2 infertiles' journey to 2 pink lines (and a baby girl)

the good. the bad. the ugly.

2010-06-14T08:15:00.007-05:00

the good - all moles and masses are benign. must see the dermatologist every 6 months due to "atypical" results. must have mammogram every 6 months due to calcifications that need to be monitored. good grief.

the bad - tumor and tissue in right boob must come out. it's rare, fast growing and could become malignant if left alone. I'll have surgery next month. the radiologist explained to me that a biopsy alone cannot reveal everything and they are not always correct. good grief.

the ugly - my boob. still all yellow and bruised and I had yet another "growth" removed on the right side after seeing the dermatologist for a follow-up (she wanted more testing done after hearing about the biopsy.) I've been poked and prodded far too many times for my liking. I HATE surgery and I HATE packing to move (for the 6th time.) aside from beautiful ginny, life is pretty ugly right now.

tick tock

2010-06-02T09:39:00.005-05:00

now we sit and wait a little more.

"it's going to sound like a cavity being filled. hold still."

"now it's going to feel like a staple gun. don't move."

all the bizarre sounds and sensations of a biopsy.

after carefully studying last weeks films, dr B concluded that the lump/mass on my left side is just a cyst. hurray! but he also saw "something new" on my right side. crap. so we're still at testing 2 tissue samples. no fun.

each site required a different testing method. one mass is more questionable than the other so extra tissue was needed. after all the "stapling" and "drilling" I have 2 clips (markers) that will forever be a part of me. "don't worry. you won't be setting off any alarms or anything." dr B tells me. that crazy thought never even entered my tired little head. geez.

after 90 minutes of needles and more friggin' mammograms, b and I grabbed a quick breakfast and went home and napped (he was coming off the night shift.) I woke up to a throbbing black and blue boob (the numbing agent had clearly worn off.) so now we carry on like life is normal and hope for the best. lulu still needs to be walked 3 times a day and clients still have deadlines to meet. at this point there's no time or reason to miss a beat. (((gulp.)))

(and mole results come back next thursday.)

untitled

2010-05-29T09:55:00.009-05:00

it's pretty remarkable how your life can change so dramatically in a split second. I remember hearing my first and only positive beta and in that instant everything became completely different. at 2:10 pm you're not pregnant and then at 2:11 pm you hear from the IVF nurse. viola! your life will never be the same. god, I remember that moment like it was yesterday. how it is possible ginny will be 2 years old in a few short months? geez...

well, I'm having another one of those moments. kind of. sort of. what was initially a routine mammogram had turned into additional mammograms and 2 u/s. talk about your life changing in an instant. I've spent 2 afternoons now being repeatedly poked and prodded, scanned and rescanned. you realize something just isn't quite right when you see women coming and going and the nurse keeps telling you "please go sit and wait. and keep your gown on!" this can't be good.

so after 2 hours at my second visit I was finally able to speak with the doctor. he showed me some images that he wasn't happy with. I have 2 masses -- one in each boob. the right one being more "worrisome"(?) plus both sides have lots of pesky calcifications that will require a mammogram every 6 months for the rest of my life. oh joy. the radiologist explained they could be "nothing" or... "something." he actually had a lot to say but I clearly didn't understand the english language at that point. it's very difficult to retain any information right after having 2 "suspicious" moles cut from your leg. (yes, I had 2 doctors appointments in 1 day.) stupid planning on my part but that's what you do when you have a toddler.

so next week I have the dreaded biopsy scheduled. typically I would not think much of this procedure but things are very different now. my concern, my fear is not even about me. it's all about ginny. I can't even explain exactly what that means. I have a lot of illness in my family so I go from feeling very confident to completely terrified at the drop of a hat. the uncertainty of both tests is very unsettling -- the most bizarre and surreal 2ww ever! I am no doubt the only infertile out there begging and hoping for a BFN.

yep...

2010-05-19T12:36:00.001-05:00

our journey continues and it's a whole new adventure in building our family.

:)

old friends

2010-03-30T08:01:00.008-05:00

it's so strange. the infertile world. I have met SOOOO many amazing, strong and lovely women through my IF journey. I look back during my 4 cycles and I recall dozens of positive and supportive relationships -- some IRL and many through blogs and message boards. I felt very close to those I cycled with. we cheered each other on. we grieved together. we celebrated together.

I go back now and again to check in on "my peeps" and sadly many of them have moved on and abandoned their blogs. but some are pregnant again, doing FET, or adopting and a few actually have 2 children. imagine that?! from lack of posts it's obvious keeping up with my blog has been put on the back burner these days. toddlers require a lot more attention so when I'm not working my time is all about ginny. it's difficult to update as much as I would like to.

I'm feeling sad though. when I click on a link of a past cycle buddy and the blog is no longer it hurts a little. you go from knowing very intimate details about a fellow IVFers and then she's gone. just as the IVF experience is a huge part of who I am my fellow infertiles are important to me too. so ladies if you're out there, know that there is a special place in my heart for you guys. and for those still in the middle of ttc, although from afar, I'm still cheering you on with all my might. you are all indeed an important part of a excruciating yet wonderful chapter in my life.

hard stuff.

2010-02-27T09:57:00.009-05:00

this parenting business. some days I have to admit I don't think I'm cut for this (meaning I'm forever clueless and occasionally feel out of control.) I can't imagine how my mom did it with 4 kids. FOUR! in ginny's first 18 months I believe I've aged a good many years.

I'm looking and feeling a decade older since last wednesday. a typical and simple morning breakfast turned into complete chaos and panic. ginny was wearing some crapass pjs (a gift from SIL -- I should have known better.) and the feet were twice the proper size. while running across the floor with 2 toys in her hands she took a pretty big fall. she tripped on the pjs and landed flat on her face. there were some tears but after a few boo boo kisses and hugs all was "well" again. until we started to play with the ball...

she giggled in pure delight. then the HORROR! I immediately felt faint. I wanted to vomit. I started to cry. ginny's smile revealed 2 broken (not chipped) teeth! I thought I was dreaming. this couldn't be real. her two front teeth, perfect and pearly white, were no longer as I remember them. her sweet, sweet smile forever changed.

after a few nasty messages to the pedi's useless nursing line (they never call back) we raced off to the pedi dentist as an emergency. I hadn't even brushed my own teeth yet.
"that's a pretty bad break." nice dentist tells me.
"blah blah blah blah blah blah..." that's all I remember.

later on, b spoke with nice dentist to get more "specific" details. because the nerves are so close to being exposed we will have the teeth "rebuilt" in 2 weeks. the bonding will protect what she has left. fortunately, the x-ray showed no visible damage to the adult teeth. thank god!

poor poor ginny (and poor mama.) this parenting business... hard stuff.

oy.

2010-02-04T11:16:00.011-05:00

:::deep breath:::
lots and lots and lots going on.
I have been sick. as. a. dog! I went to the ob/gyn this week to talk about my (ahem) prolapse issue (bladder not uterine) and she said "oh honey! you reeeeeally need to be on an antibiotic." this was music to my ears. all I have been hearing from b is "ride it out." 2 weeks of raging coughing fits 24 hours a day (with a possible cracked rib) -- I'm so done riding it out! this trip is OVER! even after just a couple of pills I'm feeling remarkably better. but of course I had to pass my germs on to ginny. usually it's the other way around. ginny gets a head cold and I get slammed with potential pneumonia. or ginny pukes twice and I am bedridden for a week with extreme vomiting and diarrhea. ahhh, the joys of parenting. parenting when you are completely and totally and utterly run down.

so I have been going through all the motions of life like everything is "normal," fine, and groovy. I have 2 major jobs happening simultaneously (NOT easy) while doing all that is house, dog (still peeing inside) and child. b is working hard and when he is home he's looking hard for a job. in other words, he's not "available." and now I have the added bonus of a case of man flu. yesterday he woke up with a slight cough. he called in sick and spent the entire day in bed. ummmmm. what's wrong with this picture?! oy.

my twin

2010-01-16T10:26:00.011-05:00

we first met when I moved back to the city. c-town grocery store. early afternoon. navigating through the narrow and crowded aisles with a stroller is no easy task. WIDE LOAD. we kept running into each other -- literally. then we saw one another at the corner bodega. she bought some beautiful roses. I bought some cheap-ass mums.
"nice to see you... again. I'm now off to starbucks."
"me too!"
"you're daughter is beautiful."
"thanks!" I recognized The Stare. the wheels turning in her head. I then have to explain.
"my husband is korean."
"mine TOO!"
her little boy was sound asleep but once I got a better look at him, oh yeah... blondie didn't look at all like her son. we both had little asian babies in our strollers.
we got our coffees and chatted. she lived 2 blocks away from me.
"we moved back to new york because of b's super-fellowship at hospital."
"my husband is a physician TOO!"
"ginny is our miracle baby." I went into my long-winded and much rehearsed speech on IF and IVF.
"I went to cornell TOO!"
of course you DID! you're my twin!

j has since left our fair city. she actually moved to where I just moved from. we've stayed in touch and she always calls for a play date when back in the city. my twin. I miss her so, but no doubt our paths will cross again.

speech therapy - chapter 1

2010-01-06T18:40:00.015-05:00

good grief. (my new 'b approved' swear that I can use around ginny.) the saga begins. it was a cold and windy day on the upper east side...

after numerous phone calls, wrong numbers, unreturned messages, and a HUGE dose of frustration, I finally made contact with a human. go figure. there's nobody to talk to about your child's lack of speech.

I live in manhattan. new york city. EI (early intervention services) are paid for by the city. FINALLY my tax dollars at work. they hardly plow my street when it snows but it's their mission to have my child speaking in no time. hopefully. once I got through all the referral bullshit I met with our coordinator. and she came to me -- MY home! I scanned a list of 93 contracted evaluators and randomly chose one. seriously. how can one tell the difference between First.Step and City.Pro Group and Metro.Therapy and Right.Start Inc? close your eyes, point and hope for the best.

and then it happened. the question we've all been dreading. "so... what is ginny?" white? asian? what do you think? hmmmmm. we left that particular box blank. good fucking grief. so after even more questions, additional paperwork and 283 signatures we are all set for our official evaluation. hopefully, next week.

happy new year!

2010-01-01T11:13:00.002-05:00

shhhhhhhh.

2009-12-29T15:13:00.006-05:00

it's awfully quiet around here these days.

I have a call into a professional speech therapist for ginny. at 16 months she is only "saying" (I use this word loosely) 1 word -- dog. or is it dug. when b comes home from hospital ginny gives him a giant smile and she points enthusiastically.
"dug!"
I hand her a hummus and whole wheat sandwich.
"dug."
I get her tub ready.
"dug."
it's getting to be a bit unsettling. I have a bunch of friends with children her age and they all have a growing collection of words. one little girl actually says "thank you." I'm not pushing for sentences here I'm simply looking for mama or apple or hi or even a proper dog. I should add that we do get the occasional "uh, oh."

I think her hearing is fine. she signs for milk (the cutest thing EVER!) and signals to brush her teeth. we go through hours of flashcards each day. appppple. cowwwww. flowwwwer. over and over again. nothing.
just "dug."

hopefully after the holiday season someone will call me back and we'll get ginny in to see the specialist. oh man. it's truly always something.

happy happy!

2009-12-24T12:47:00.004-05:00

wishing everyone a joyous new year!

I'm hoping things will settle down in early 2010 so I can find time to post. it's been NUTS! crazy NUTS!

back from hiatus

2009-11-08T09:45:00.009-05:00

WORK! and lots of it. like I was telling a friend - 2 days is the new 2 weeks. clients are now expecting these ridiculous creative turnarounds. it wasn't THAT long ago when I had time to think about a design project then sketch then execute. these days I barely have a (recycled) concept on my screen and the clients start ringing me up. "when can I see something?" bastards.

I was thinking the other night (major insomnia) about how super lucky b and I are with ginny in our life. first of all, how is it possible to have insomnia when you are dead tired? seriously? this little girl brings us such profound joy. just this morning I woke up in a crap and sour mood. sunday is, in theory, my morning to sleep in. but there was NO sleepin' in today or next sunday or the sunday after that because we have such a sucky mattress. your back can't tolerate anything past 8 am. how cruel! in my achy, grumpy state I was welcomed into the living room with a giant, sloppy, snotty nosed, open mouthed kiss for mumma. ahhhhh. the day is good!

even with such a beautiful miracle in our life this blog will continue to be an Infertility Blog. I dreamt on thursday night we were going to use DEs. in real life I'm not ruling that out. I'm also thinking a lot about adoption. once b finishes his training I hope to scream "piss of IF!" and continue on a different path to build our family. to be continued...

surprise beach trip! thanks b!

2009-10-12T09:25:00.010-05:00

sigh

2009-10-09T09:23:00.016-05:00

those shoes.

right now I'm freaking out for 3 very lovely ladies - 2 at cornell and one at ccrm. each is at a different stage of waiting and hoping in this IF bullshit. all of them have gone through multiple IVFs - a combined total close to 14. fuck! one has her DE beta on tuesday. one has her fresh cycle transfer on saturday. one is planning her uterine biopsies for her upcoming FET. each one has already been through so much. way TOO much for anyone. all 3 are living in limbo and that is a terrible way to exist. it's like you go through the motions of everyday life while holding your breath. you anticipate that moment. will it be incredibly joyful or another heartwrenching disappointment? it's full-on torture if you ask me. screw waterboarding (whatever that is.) IVF is a more effective method to induce pain and suffering.

please, please, PLEASE send extra special positive (specifically BFP) vibes and thoughts to CR, EB and AD. these strong ladies need all the support they can get. I have been in their shoes and it SUCKS horribly. not a day goes by that I forget "where I came from." if I'm not physically experiencing the shots and u/s and b/w etc., I'm living it again through so many (too many) wonderful and deserving women. I'm sad yet I'm full of hope. I want to cry tears of happiness for a change.

I'll say it agin. fuck you IF.

2 turntables and a microphone

2009-10-07T19:29:00.010-05:00

b has been working the dreaded nightshift again. when we don't see dada for a week this mama has no time to post. I'm still slowly nibbling away at my thank you notes list from ginny's birthday. "down time" is a luxury these days.

so I finally enrolled ginny in the much anticipated music class. after a lot of research I found an affordable option. dude, it's crazy to think that $245 is "affordable!" yes, it's a hike to get there. yes, it's more than PACKED. yes, it's filled with disinterested nannies and pushy moms. and yes, all the instruments are tired and/or broken. but $245 -- score!

ginny LOVED her trial class at the other place so I was very excited to find this deal. but guess what? she HATES it! today was class number 3 and she cried (full-on tears and major frown face) most of the time. a little boy pummeled her to the ground during a cure tune. seriously, who plays just like heaven in a class for toddlers? did I date this guy in college?

so after 45 minutes I packed up my very unhappy child and got the hell outta there. the little girl in polka dot tights, ruffled denim skirt and red puffy eyes. will we go back and try it again? I'm not so sure. like they say "3 strikes you're out!" all of a sudden $245 for 3 very disappointing classes doesn't seem like such a bargain.

sucky.

a "borrowed" post

2009-09-30T13:03:00.004-05:00

we went to a fab birthday party (fellow cornell IVFer) last saturday and the very talented A took some really great shots. this post is stolen from becoming mom. cool!

it pays to be social

2009-09-21T13:11:00.012-05:00

and you pay BIG Time!

ginny and I went to our first official music class last week. it was a free trial and we (I) was curious to see what the hoopla was all about. first of all, it was a no nap day, we had some teething action going on (specifically molars,) and we were both a little "on the cranky side." the class was a few blocks away so what the hell. "let's give it a go!" if ginny had a complete meltdown we could easily be back in the apartment in the matter of minutes.

much to my surprise, my child could not have been happier. she squealed with delight playing all the instruments. she clapped and danced to all the singing (even her mother's.) ginny was the center of attention! she was the music together it girl!

I was sold. I had to sign up for classes asap. the weather is getting cooler and soon the park will be closed for the winter months. we have a little social butterfly on our hands so we must keep her active and entertained with kids her own age. and music is good!

good until you see the price -- $490! and that's CHEAP! cheap for the UES. the same exact class is offered in brooklyn for $185. just because we live in the most expensive neighborhood in the US (maybe the world) doesn't mean we have lots of money. on the contrary actually.

so my mission began. must. find. music class. for ginny.
oh, I found one. lots of them.

hands on... (all miniature instruments) - $560 + $35 yearly fee
... little birds (teaches elementary music theory) - $600 + $35 yearly fee
... maestros (complete with full live band) - $695!

are you friggin' kidding me?! all ginny really needs is a few friends, maybe a harmonica, a tambourine and a couple of drums. elementary music theory, my ass.

geez.

holdin' down the fort

2009-09-17T15:13:00.035-05:00

all by my lonesome. b had been away for almost 2 weeks. 1 week working the shitty night shift and the next he was in utah. man, I was so hoping he'd bring me home a wife! polygamy sounds pretty damn appealing these days. between nanny shopping and work there's been no time for posting. or knitting. or reading. or writing thank you notes (they're late!) or much of anything. but I do have a couple recent pics to share -
our sweet little miracle. the love and light of my life. I'm so flippin' lucky!

we look the same

2009-09-05T20:52:00.013-05:00

I guarantee one of your neighbors is infertile.

there we were. ginny's favorite swings at celebrity park. she literally squeals with delight and claps wildly when we enter the gate. I usually chat with the nannies, or this dude, but weekends are different. I actually get to meet the parents (a totally bizarre concept on the UES.)

angelina was to ginny's left and emma was to her right. 3 little girls (13, 12 and 15 months) all lined up and swinging in unison. very cute. we talked about first teeth, the transition to sippy cups, naps, pedipeds and alternative vaccine schedules. and of course, my crap eggs. as you know, it's my mission these days -- educate the people! infertility awareness! rock on! I guarantee you know someone.

13 month old angelina - IUI baby
15 month old emma - cornell IVF baby

we were surrounded by "my kind." we. are. everywhere.

a picture's worth...

2009-09-04T16:19:00.013-05:00

look at all these beautiful cornell babies! (and 3 others couldn't make it.) the little boy is actually an NYU IVF baby but his mom is a new patient of dr d. one of the dads nailed it -- "these are the most expensive babies in nyc!" yep. 7 babies. we could easily be talking well over $100,000.

this amazing photo was taken at ginny's party. I hid the identity just in case one of my buddies is not comfortable being outed as one of those infertiles. guess who is the exhausted, frazzled and ugly mom on the right? man! she needs a serious haircut! sigh.

what an amazing year!

2009-08-27T08:54:00.003-05:00

meltdown and/or breakdown

2009-08-24T19:50:00.006-05:00

if you could see me now. I'm the picture of complete exhaustion. ginny's first birthday party may be canceled.

I have been working my ass OFF (literally non-stop) for weeks and weeks now. I am up every single morning around 6 - 6:30 and this is after working the "night shift" and weekends. I can't even tell you the last time I slept past 7 am. I think it was when ginny gave me that horrific vomiting and diarrhea virus last winter. b "let" me sleep in one morning. thanks b.

he is so on the shit list these days. I am actually working MORE than him and taking care of ginny and all that is house related. this turkey comes home after rounds sunday morning and then NAPS! I was up even before him and this mama doesn't get to indulge in the luxury of a nap. no way man! the 3 hours a day that I consider "my" time have been dedicated to finding a new sitter/nanny. my salary is far from supplemental -- it's keeping this house afloat! BUT because b works at big fancy hospital my work is "second class." and he hates his new job. his constant moping and depression is sucking the life out of me.

I'm not eating. stress takes away my appetite and quite frankly, I don't even have the energy to eat. I'm at the mercy of demanding clients that want to see work immediately. 2 week deadlines are a fond and distant memory. now I'm banging out complete projects in a couple of days. and it shows. my hair is everywhere and my skin is a hideous shade of gray. I mumble.

it's 9:10 pm. I will save my last sad design, quit adobe illustrator and call it a night. maybe I'll even shower for the first time today. now the fun begins! I'll start searching for a new nanny for ginny. I have no tolerance for (current) sitter that simply sits next to her and sends text messages all day - at $14 an hour - after showing up late. why does she think this is acceptable? she is so fucking fired. b is fired too! his idea of fine parenting is placing ginny in her pnp while he reads his email and buys music online.

I seriously can't do this all alone!

my MIL arrives in 3 days.

oh joy.

incredibly sad and tragic

2009-08-22T07:40:00.005-05:00

a terrible day for a fellow saIFer (success after infertility.)
my heart is heavy.
three cheers for babies

she's at it again

2009-08-16T16:57:00.010-05:00

my MIL. it's all too familiar. it's p&b's 2006 wedding all over again however this time it's slightly different -- it's ginny's birthday party. her mission? ask every asian in the tri-state area to come to my tiny home and expect to be catered to with full-blown festivities and a giant meal.

it' 10:15 pm friday. b's phone rings. eeeek! it must be hospital.

"yes, this is b."

blah blah blah blah BLAH.

"oh... hi... I just recently moved back to nyc. yes, I'm married. my wife's name is p and we have a daughter virginia."

blah blah blah blah BLAH.

"I see. so we're cousins?"

blah blah blah blah FRIGGIN' BLAH!

"so there will be 5 - 7 of you coming to the party?"

b never even knew this cousin existed! his mother invited him (and god knows who else) to come to our little gathering of friends to celebrate our miracle baby's very first birthday. everyone coming knows how hard we struggled for ginny. everyone coming was so supportive during the trials of my pregnancy. everyone coming has special meaning to me, to ginny, to us. everyone...
until now.

the circus officially begins. this shit sends me into crazy person mode. can you hear me screaming my head off?!

birthday time! (plus bonus rant.)

2009-08-13T10:29:00.012-05:00

ok. so what is the deal with RSVPs? don't people do this anymore? come on! we sent out save the date emails followed by the invitation. granted we never got around to printing the invites (ran out of time) but so many people have neglected to respond yes or no. I find this rather inconsiderate -- I guess I'm old school. clearly none of our invitees read this blog so I can bitch and moan for a minute. so how many cupcakes will we order for the party? how much eggplant parm do we need? how many bottles of wine should I buy? who the hell knows! grrrrrrr.
rant over.

so here is the final invitation. I went through numerous rounds using various photos. I just couldn't commit to one picture -- until the cloth diaper tutu butt. designers always struggle designing for themselves.

the party will be sweet and simple. no silly themes. no tiny horses. no frightening mimes. just good friends (including many IVF babies) with yummy food, lots o' drink, a couple balloons and a little girl that turns one. what an amazing year to celebrate!

our trip back home to maine

2009-08-06T14:39:00.010-05:00

same beach.
3 generations (look! I'm still blonde! -- thanks to william)
2 ginnys.

pretty darn special.

gone fishin'

2009-08-02T08:35:00.001-05:00

it's vacation time! new posts and pics coming soon.

"is this your baby?"

2009-07-19T10:14:00.006-05:00

we are very fortunate to live a few blocks away from a fantastic park. it's located right smack dab on the east river with lots of grass, shady trees and a small dog dog run -- perfect for our surly frenchie. it also has a great playground that I like to call "celebrity park." supposedly all the famous folk's kids go there (with their nannies in tow.) a suri cruise sighting is inevitable.

if we should venture to our urban oasis during the week I am usually the only mother there. it's only natural to assume that I am hired help for ginny. tall blonde lady with asian baby = imported swedish caregiver. oh well, what are you going to do. I'm already in the minority because we don't sport the UES (upper east side) required black bugaboo stroller. our stroller does the exact same thing as a bugaboo but at a fraction of the price (ha!) plus I can always spot ginny's ride in a sea of parked bugaboos by the infant swings. note to self: must teach ginny while she is young - it's good to be different. the bizarre thing is, all the nannies I have met at celebrity park take care of the children of non-working mothers. how friggin' indulgent! only in nyc would you find people to pay someone a $$$ weekly salary to raise their kids while they shop, lunch, get spa treatments, shop more...

"how old is she?" asks the old spanish woman.
10 1/2 months.

"is she walking yet?"
almost.

"look at those teeth!"
yes! she has 4 now.

"is this your baby?"
like I said, it's good to be different.

PRIVATE

2009-07-17T09:30:00.006-05:00

what's the deal with a lot of my favorite bloggers going private? did I miss something? I spend more time now "logging in" than reading and responding to posts. I can't keep everyone and every password straight anymore. I know I haven't been around much lately but why the trend?

I'm currently recovering from being slammed with 3 back to back RUSH projects. the apartment continues to be total chaos and I'm still sporting the same shorts that I moved in (washed of course.) I'm planning ginny's first birthday (can you believe it?!) when I find I have a little "down time." so far all I have done is picked out about 12 adorable party dress options (LOVE having a girl!) considered the menu and started designing the invitation. we are keeping the event simple and small (contrary to b's mother's wishes -- shit! she's my daughter! back off!) in the end we expect around 25 people. lots of fantastic cupcakes and little cornell babies! I can't wait!!!

welcome back! (with a bang! literally)

2009-07-10T08:35:00.017-05:00

or make that 10 bangs! I mean gunshots. "pop, pop, pop..."

ginny, b and I survived our second move within 1 month. we are far from settled and unpacked but the nasty, stinky apartment is history. good riddance. on the morning of the move I said to b "just you wait. the building will send up 1 old man to move us." (we were promised 3.) sure enough, the doorbell rang and there he was. 1 old man.

moving 2 floors down seems easy enough but when you have 1 old man it literally takes ALL DAY! plus the move was expensive - $300+. new boxes, tissue paper, packing tape, nanny, $ tip for the old man. b told him to use it for his medical bills. to be honest, I haven't seen our geriatric mover since he delivered our mattress. uh oh.

the only things we unpacked for our first night in the new digs were ginny's pjs and 2 wine glasses. it was while we were resting our sad invalid selves we heard the "pop, pop, pop..."
"what was that?!" (I knew it was a gun. I've heard that sound before.)

then complete and total chaos! "a cop shot!" hundreds of police below our window. men with bulletproof shields. ambulances! lots of them. helicopters! yes, plural. their spotlights beaming in our windows. familiar newscasters, photographers. the scene was straight out of a movie. really scary stuff. our little ginny slept through the entire ordeal. she's proving to be a true city girl.

come to find out there was an armed domestic dispute in the projects next door. 5 officers were at the scene when a pit bull was released and attacked the men. multiple shots were fired and the dog was killed. because the guns were at such a close range the bullet fragments injured 3 cops. an injured cop = lots and lots of drama.

NYC, we've missed you!

life (so far) in the big city

2009-07-04T07:33:00.023-05:00

we're slowwwwwly getting settled and finding a routine. our apartment is still a disaster simply because we move again on tuesday. how sucky is THAT?! it's a real shame because I love our current space. the neighbors on our floor are awesome (except for selfish nasty smoker guy) and to have to move downstairs and clean yet another unit from top to bottom really doesn't make mama happy. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. the smoke is really hideous and obviously very unhealthy. so what are we doing this glorious holiday weekend? not eating grilled veggie burgers and tofu pups or lighting sparklers and watching fireworks. PACKING! again. dammit.

go figure! why couldn't we have lived here when I was going through my IVF cycles? I can literally walk to cornell from our new digs. WALK! just a stone's throw away from my hero "new RE dr d." remember him? I wish we could attempt IVF #5 but it's not going to happen. talk about a missed opportunity.

speaking of IVF, here are a couple photos taken yesterday on the east river. fellow IVF baby "m" and ginny had a splendid play date in the park. it was very cool! m's mom will be cycling in feb with "new RE dr d" and I'm terribly jealous. I'm happy for her but I cannot deny those familiar pangs. we have all sorts of cornell "grads" scattered throughout the city. it's pretty funny because we each have a girl... or two ("m" is an nyu "grad.") as soon as the boxes are unpacked and the pictures are hung, I'm busting out the wine glasses and hosting a cornell "reunion" for all my peeps. there are currently 6 of us (8 little girls - includes 2 sets of twins) and we're always looking for new members!

yep! were finally here!

2009-06-27T19:15:00.015-05:00

however, "here" is just temporary.

sorry for the long delay in posting. things are crazed.

we moved. and as expected, it sucked. it rained, the movers stunk and I had the expected freak-out. every single move in my adult life has sent me into emotion turmoil. the stress, the cost, the anticipation, the worry, "please be very careful with that!" it all guarantees dry heaves on moving day.

but were here! back in fab nyc! on some bizarre level it almost feels like we never left. yes, the upper east side is NOT my hood but it's ok. I think it will work. no, we don't sport the UES required bugaboo stroller but who cares. ginny is adapting beautifully and lulu is happy to be back on the streets (so many smells to smell.)

I'm alone. b is still 2 hours away in new haven wrapping up his fellowship. he sleeps in the call room and occasionally sneaks in late at night to shower and grab some clean clothes. we haven't seen him in days.

I've been working with 2 clients (TWO!) while simultaneously trying to find child care (which is a full time job.) I missed an important graduation party for b because I had to interview potential nannies.

"why do you want to be in child care?"

"because I don't want to work in a store."

next!

"NO! you cannot bring your friend to the interview!

candidates #11 and #12 were by far "the best." #1 - #10 sucked. it figures I'd find the the decent ones sunday night at 6:30 pm. interviewing is hard work and exhausting. trying to find someone to care for our precious miracle is incredibly dificult! who do you really trust?

so we're unpacked about 90% and ... get this... we have to move... again! our crap ass shitty neighbor smokes incessantly. the second hand smoke is literally seeping through the walls. this is no good for ginny. we gotta go! pedi's orders. so we battled it out with our building and we will be moving 2 floors down on 7 july. the whole thing is just plain sucky. (that's an entirely separate post.)

but in the meantime, here's the view from ginny's bedroom. all pretty and sparkly at night. cool as hell!

lil update

2009-06-08T10:32:00.006-05:00

very little.

b and I are up to our eyeballs in bubble wrap, newsprint, cardboard boxes and tissue paper. the nyc move is this thursday (11 june) 8 am. we still have a ways to go with all this packing bullsh*t. I hate it!

I won't be posting for a few days and will be unable to catch up with all your updates. next post will be from manhattan, usa (complete with photos!) I can't wait! wooohooooo!

and we already have plans for friday night! ny, we've missed you!

:)

favorite things - tuesday edition

2009-06-02T09:14:00.014-05:00

wine! hey, if you can't BF then the occasional glass and/or bottle is good (for a stressed out individual and her dear husband.) we dig this label (I'm a packaging designer) however the actual wine is mediocre. and the typography is pretty crappy. oh well. but we love the idea. these days we are thoroughly enjoying the yellow tail sparkling. it's cheap and brilliant with grilled shrimp.

now that it's warm and sunny we love this! the sun shade is breathable and blocks out 98% of UV rays. we don't need ginny's beautiful pale skin to get burned! it's simple to attach and it folds up teeny tiny when the sun sets. good stuff!

where did the baby go?

2009-06-01T08:43:00.010-05:00

it now appears that we have a little girl. a tiny person that loves the swing and yellow wildflowers. the changes at 8 - 9 months are pretty dramatic. every single day we notice something new (like another tooth) and unexpected (we have a belly sleeper!) simply amazing. note to self: the first thing we do in nyc is babyproof. yes, it's that time.

this weekend we added "grown-up" foods. ginny's menu included whole wheat macaroni, chick peas, cheese and cous cous. she sits in her high chair and eats banana chunks and puffs like a champ (while simultaneously treating lulu.) I think the frenchie appreciates ginny now.

b had sunday off. we took a well deserved 2 hour break from packing and went to the park. what a glorious day. sunny, warm, slight breeze -- perfection. the little girl loved it!

9 months! NINE!

2009-05-29T07:52:00.013-05:00

how is this possible? what a shame that the first few months are a big blur.

yesterday's pedi appointment stats:
20 lbs 13 oz (83 %ile)
27.4" tall (43 %ile)

for some reason I thought she was pushing 24+ lbs and was much taller. her buddy isabel (12 months old) is a tiny peanut next to ginny. so why are we buying (and fitting into) 18 month clothes?

our birthday girl loves to wave, eat finger foods, giggle, play patty cakes, say mama and uh oh. but with all these new and exciting milestones comes some separation/stranger anxiety. not so fun. the best is when b comes home from work and ginny absolutely lights up when she sees him. it's amazing to watch. love it!

here she is on our favorite play mat. it's got a mirror, plush toys and squeaky things built right into it. very cute and so entertaining. the panda (also from ikea) is her new best friend (sorry lulu.)

click on the photo and you can really see her chubster legs. wow!

yet another crapola birthday

2009-05-26T10:35:00.023-05:00

sucky.

I told b a few weeks ago that all I wanted for my birthday was the opportunity to sleep in and some long overdue, full-on foot pampering (aka professional $25 pedicure.) don't spend any money. we need to save the few funds that we have.

I woke up sunday morning and practically begged b to get up with ginny. it was 6:30 am. after a lot of sighing and exaggerated yawns he reluctantly changed the baby and took her downstairs for breakfast. man! what drama! how could I possibly go back to sleep and enjoy it? (happy friggin' birthday p.)

9 am, I go downstairs. b and ginny are on the couch watching tv. nobody takes notice of the birthday girl. the coffee pot is cold and empty.

"should we hit the basement first?" I ask while making the coffee. today is a HUGE packing day. we plan out our strategy. moving bites.

"um, aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday?"

"oh yeah. you beat me to it." LAME! (happy friggin' birthday p.)

so I spent the entire day in the dark basement weeding through crap, shuffling around more crap and filling boxes with other crap. horrible. however... I knew that later on we'd have a sitter (the third time since august), we had reservations at a nice restaurant AND we were going to scalp tickets for david cook (I pathetically admit -- my silly cougar crush.) things were looking up. woo hoo! pack, shower, david cook! (did I really say that out loud?)

then b's blackberry rang. SHIT! this usually means it's (a) his charming mother or (b) the hospital. any way you look at it I lose. big time.

it was (b.) and it was a transplant. (happy friggin' birthday p.)

so he canceled the reservations and I sulked -- heavily! I opened up my card from b and checked out the gift certificate. hmmmmm. urban outfitters. since when did they start catering to the geriatric set? geez. I haven't shopped there since high school. I then poured myself a glass of wine, looked at my hideous toes and neglected feet and watched the local tornado warnings on tv. yikes! there was a good chance I'd be spending more time in the basement today.

b arrived home early monday morning. the long overnight transplant was a huge success. the 42 year old woman got a new heart and a brand new start on life. fantastic! happy birthday to her!

it really doesn't matter

2009-05-21T15:35:00.004-05:00

that I'm sick with a bad cold right now. that b is home vomiting with a stomach bug. that I'm way behind with work deadlines. that my hair has never looked worse -- seriously! that my skinny waist and flat tummy have been replaced with excess skin and horrific flab. that my ass is still fat (nothing new.) that we don't have amazing plans (or ANY plans) for the holiday weekend (aside from packing.) that I'm stuck inside today when the weather is fantabulous. that I'm so friggin' tired that I could literally close my eyes and sleep at my desk. that we have nothing in the fridge for dinner (b isn't eating anyway.) that I have at least 4 loads of laundry to fold, a filthy house and a giant stack of bills to pay.

it really doesn't matter because ginny said "mama!"

weeeeeeee!

never in my life

2009-05-18T16:38:00.021-05:00

"OK now you're really living my dream life."

this brought tears to my eyes when I read this after my last post (and I'm teary now.) never EVER in my wildest dreams would I think anyone could possibly think this let alone say it out loud. I realize it's just a casual expression but it still takes my breath away.

I've forever heard "you have the worst luck" and "it figures it would happen to you." things have never come easy for me as there always seems to be some degree of struggle involved. it's just that way -- my life. I consistently take the "long route" with whatever I do. yes, I think I have have accomplished a lot (up through my AMA years) but always with the extra effort. maybe this is a good thing. I certainly don't take things for granted. when my friends announce honeymoon and "oooops" babies, ginny truly stands out as extra special. yes, there was a lot of heartache, pain, unhappiness, stress and $40,000 involved but she was worth the entire experience. I wouldn't change a thing. if IVF #2 had worked out then I would never have met the little girl who's giggles and "uh, ohs! make my day and my life so rich.

so it catches me completely off guard to hear someone say I am living their "dream life." it makes me happy. it makes me sad. I've had a lot of loss (3 parents taken by cancer) but I've also had a lot of good. things with b are great (at the moment) and I have a miracle child that I absolutely, positively adore beyond words. even though I bitch and complain about many things - packing, moving, working. fuck! things are good! we have our health and a roof over our heads (((touch wood)))

davs, your time will come. I know it! hang in there and one day you will be living a dream life. next time you're in nyc, we are so hanging out! drinks are on me!

in a nutshell

2009-05-15T13:04:00.004-05:00

packing, packing, packing.
working, working, working.
we found tenants for our condo. thank god!
packing, packing, packing.
working, working, working.
we found a kick-ass apartment in manhattan. what a HUGE relief!
packing, packing, packing.
working, working, working.

stressed out!

we move in less than 4 friggin' weeks! FOUR! how the hell is this going to happen? at this point -- completely and totally impossible.

shit.

mother's day (beginner's version.)

2009-05-11T14:41:00.017-05:00

10 may 09. I never imagined I'd get to celebrate mother's day aside from being a "dog parent."

I woke up at 6:30 am. sleeping in was a nice idea but not going to happen. b was on call and ginny cried and coughed herself awake at the crack of dawn. poor love bug has a cold. you can hear it in her chest. you can see it in the runny, snotty nose. so sad.

out of bed at 6:40 am. it's sunday. ginny had her bottle and then proceeded to puke. full-on projectile vomit! 8 oz of expensive formula all over me, on the rug and in between the cushions of the leather couch. what a disaster.

then I opened up (the dreaded) greeting card from MIL. "celebrating your first mother's day." oh man. on the cover was an illustration of an african american baby boy. I kid you not. I know she wanted a grandson but virginia is very much a girl. AND I'm white! this is just another shining example of her blatantly not accepting who I am. she hated me even before she met me. inside the card was filled with all sorts of religious scribble to get me worked up and aggravated. "a woman who fears god is praised blah blah blah." talk about passive/aggressive. geez.

then I went down to the basement to start organizing for our move to nyc -- in 1 month! it was mother's day -- beautiful and sunny and I was stuck in a damp and dingy basement packing and going through yard sale/goodwill crap. I did this until the tears.

then b and I argued (gently disagreed) about the legal documents for our new tenants. it was mother's day and I was deep in a dispute over security deposits and official lease jargon (I have a long history of being screwed with rental apartments. must do this correctly.)

then I went upstairs to get ready for dinner. we were going out! woohoo! things were looking up... until I had to get dressed. nothing (seriously!) NOTHING fits this flabby 8 months pp body. it's hideous and gross. I know, I know... sit-ups. but when?

then we drove to the restaurant. closed.

then we drove to a favorite italian spot. the wait was forever and we had concert tickets. of course we got to the show late and... then... there he was. my ex's good friend and band mate. he is also the drummer in the opening band. how do I say hi when I'm giant and fat and smell like broccoli rabe with stinky garlic?

mother's day 2009. perfect? maybe not but I wouldn't change a thing. I have the greatest, most amazing gift of all. that makes this mother very happy.

chomp!

2009-05-06T09:56:00.004-05:00

it's official. behind those chubster cheeks we finally have a tooth! wow! baby v is getting too big too fast.

happy 8 months (and 3 days) virginia!

2009-04-30T12:58:00.003-05:00

mia

2009-04-30T08:23:00.008-05:00

it's been awhile since my last post. busy, busy. I have 2 more days of favorite things, a uterus update and many new photos to post...
of an 8 month old! 8 months! wowza!

b and I (I mean just "I") have been trying to find decent tenants for our condo. decent being the key word here. it's a friggin' full time job. let's just say craigslist = wackos. tons of them! hours and hours of sifting through emails and setting up viewing appointments -- and nobody shows.

fab 2 BR apartment on yale shuttle

"I think the apartment is cute. would you consider reducing the rent by $400 a month?"

"sure, why not. b and I don't need that $4800 a year to pay our mortgage. when can you move in? I'd love to pay your utility bill as well!

"is the unit soundproof?"

beat it.

"we have 2 cats and 3 big dogs (but they're eight years old.)"

ahhhhhhhh. no.

"you say it's available 15 june. could you hold it until august?"

piss off.

is the apartment near the shuttle?

mama p doesn't want to be a landlord. poop.

you can't make this shit up

2009-04-21T09:41:00.020-05:00

I go to pick up ginny at the sitter's yesterday afternoon. she is in a bouncy chair fussing a bit and feeding, god knows what, from a bottle. s (the babysitter from a far away land) tells me (in her broken english) that she will bring ginny to the apartment once she finishes eating. fair enough.

b comes home and surprises me a coffee. we sit and chat until s and ginny arrive at the door. ginny's bib is filthy nasty! what the hell? s gives me the rundown of the day -- nap time, bottles, poopage.
"so what did virginia have for lunch today?" I ask.

"sweet potatos, zucchini, and whale."

"what?"

"ahhhhhh, sweeeeet potaaatos, zucchiiiini, and vale." (mind you, her english, not so good.)

b and I look at each other. words escape us.

"wh...wh...wh...whale?" my voice starts to quiver. I'm pretty passionate about whales (hence my trip to alaska to help study the cooperative feeding of humpbacks.)

she laughs. "whale. no fish. baby from cow. mooooo."

"do you mean (do I dare say it) veal?"

"YES!" (take it easy with the enthusiasm.)

I don't know what is worse actually. meat from my beloved sea creature or flesh from a confined and tortured baby calf. both VERY BAD! there is a reason why momma is a vegetarian.

ginny's nasty, meaty bib - straight into the garbage. s and I then had a "little chat." she heard my english loud and clear.

favorite things - thursday edition

2009-04-16T09:53:00.013-05:00

all uterus drama aside, the return of our favorites.
soooooo, today I'm starting with 2 amazing websites for those who make their own baby food. I tell ya, once you start, it's addictive. I have so many frozen organic meals in my freezer, it's ridiculous. check out wholesome baby food and nurture baby. great fruit/veggie combinations! yum yum yum in the tum tum tum.

who doesn't love babylegs and all the fab patterns? b digs the pink skull and crossbones -- surprise, surprise. ginny is no doubt my child (once you see her chubster thighs.) tights are not the best especially if you cloth diaper. fluffy butts are big! babylegs are an awesome solution for girls and boys. I have a client that met the (oh so young) woman that started the company. $,$$$,$$$. all it takes is a clever idea.

next is hanna andersson. I adore all that is hanna! especially the pjs. easy on, easy off (for diaper changes) and super adorable (in a very dr seuss sort of way.) we get ginny's at our local outlet. these pjs rule!

my uterus is falling! my uterus is falling!

2009-04-15T09:17:00.006-05:00

to add insult to injury.

talk about a uterus recall! shit! even when NOT TTC my reproductive organs are problematic. I really thought I was harboring yet another UTI since ginny's birth. a few rounds of antibiotics never seemed to get rid of that pesky infection.
so I thought.

my last pee-in-a-cup adventure came up clear -- no bacteria, nothing, nada, you're "fine."

"however... I think you may have uterine prolapse. come see me." says dr f - my favorite.

ok, prolapse. whatever. it sounded pretty uneventful until I had a small chat with dr google. for the love of god! you have got to be fucking kidding me!

"Uterine prolapse means your uterus has descended from its position in the pelvis farther down into your vagina. Normally, your uterus is held in place by the muscles and ligaments that make up your pelvic floor. Uterine prolapse occurs when pelvic floor muscles and ligaments stretch and weaken, providing inadequate support for the uterus. The uterus then descends into the vaginal canal."

if this is indeed what I have, life is cruel. hours and hours of trying to push out a sunny-side-up child was traumatic and completely destroyed my pelvic floor (b's words.) I'm totally unable to do a kegel, I feel like I always need to pee and I have major pressure when I walk too much or too fast. these symptoms scream falling uterus and/or bladder. we shall see.

oh joy.
this sucks.

favorite things - tuesday edition

2009-04-14T10:15:00.013-05:00

love, love, LOVE these! they're perfect for trips to the outside world. if ginny smiles or decides to "chat" out falls the pacifier and then momma is out of luck (if the mood should happen to change.)

I got the beat! how cute is THIS?! nothing like an anatomically correct plush toy for the surgeon's daughter. in fact, this company carries most vital organs. unfortunately they just recalled the uterus. faulty ovaries or something. I can totally relate!

a week of favorite things! weeeeeee!

2009-04-13T14:25:00.016-05:00

in our travels, virginia and I have stumbled upon many things that we find pretty groovy. during my pregnancy, (most/some) fridays were dedicated to my fave things. no more belly butters or maternity undies. now it's all about baby, baby.

the beaba babycook rules! this all-in-one machine makes cooking your own organic baby food a snap. it steams AND purees/chops! I make an entire week of dinners in no time and with very little effort or clean-up. $$$ but it rules! (especially when you don't have to pay for it.) ginny looooves her fresh pears with avocado!
I recommend the beaba BPA-free multiportion freezer tray as well.

got drool? next is the organic cotton drool bib. ginny has been a toothless drooling machine for months now and we love these bibs. they are super absorbent and small enough not to ruin a cute outfit. we like that! good stuff. now where are those teeth?

happy happy easter!

2009-04-10T11:35:00.007-05:00

ok. enough of this crap.

2009-04-09T16:18:00.015-05:00

why do grocery stores insist on hiring idiots?
help me out here. I need to figure out how to respond to all these jackasses.
because it happened again, yesterday.

"awwwwww. she is so cute! how old?" asks the 17 year old girl at the register.

"thank you! she's 7 months old. and thanks for acknowledging that she's a girl. we get a lot of "boy" comments."

"are you kidding?! how could anyone think she's a boy?"

I'm psyched. finally! this might be my first normal conversation with a cashier.
until...

"is she yours?" like that is a reasonable question.

yep.
geeez, people! I know I'm a geriatric mother with an asian inspired baby, but... come on!

in hindsight, I should have said - (I'm not terribly quick on my feet.)

"are THOSE yours?" pointing to her giant boobs spilling out of her skin tight, belly baring, and soooo inappropriate for the workplace tank top.

"and it's 36 friggin' degrees outside fool!"

the return of p & v's favorite things

2009-04-08T09:31:00.014-05:00

this entire week was going to be dedicated to our new "favorite things" but a lot has been going on. a fellow saIF buddy lost her twins, phoebe and evan, after being born at 24w 1d. the news is absolutely heartbreaking. I cannot even imagine having to bury a child let alone two. C and I emailed back and forth quite a bit last fall and I felt a real connection to her. her loss is something that I cannot fathom. my (broken) heart goes out to her and her husband R. what a tragedy.

we also had some great news as well. square peg got an amazing fert report from her first DE cycle. she transferred 2 beautiful 5 day blasts yesterday. hurray! she and D have struggled through numerous (4 maybe?) IVFs. this has got to be "it" for them. I had a vivid dream last night that she was carrying twins! she also had a very cool orange stroller (I don't think it really exists.) I was terribly jealous. fingers and toes crossed everyone, for her upcoming beta!

and... a fellow cornell IVFer delivered a gorgeous baby girl, isabella, this week. B and I cycled together twice -- both failures. I'm looking forward to seeing her again (but not in a hospital gown and paper slippers) once we move back to nyc. what a glorious reunion!

a little update: awesome and encouraging news for IVF 40+! her beta for IVF #2 has more than doubled. this is fantastic!

it feels good!

2009-04-06T12:52:00.010-05:00

to knit again! AND to actually finish a project! hats are fab. they're super easy, they provide instant gratification and they make a (certain) baby (wink, wink) look pretty darn cute. not bad, right?

wanna talk infertility?

2009-04-03T09:34:00.008-05:00

I finally uploaded the IF awareness logo to cafe press (late at night when I finally had a moment to myself.) they've got bibs, organic onesies, mousepads, mugs and tees. spread the word. IF is nothing to be ashamed of.
I'll tell you all about my miracle.

it stays with you.

2009-03-24T19:41:00.016-05:00

it's who I am, I'm afraid.

pregnancy after infertility. some of my cycle buddies are pg again or are gearing up for a FET or more clomid or another IUI or IVF. ouch. some are even pg from a break cycle. ouch, OUCH!

I know, I know, I know, I KNOW! I'm being a greedy, selfish, horrible person. I KNOW! but I cannot deny that pang of (do I dare say it?) jealousy. it's incredibly real. it hits you hard and deep in your belly (or empty uterus.) you'd think after "conquering" infertility (if only temporarily) one would be at peace. no such luck.

I had the pleasure of experiencing it the other day "in real life." I was at a neighbor's home (she has a 9 month old) and she had 2 friends visiting with their tiny ones. the small talk immediately turned to having a second baby. ugh. I sat there and smiled. my stomach in knots. please don't ask me. please don't ask me.

"so p, will you and b be starting again soon for another?"
these women have NOOOOO idea. I mumble quietly to myself, "don't go there."

"don't you think ginny would like to have a little sister or brother?"
stupid question. for the first time ever, I'm speechless. the reality is, I have plenty to say, but...

"as soon as I stop BFing we'll start trying. we would love to have 3! maybe 4!"
I listened to this while feeding ginny FORMULA from a plastic bottle. god, I clearly suck as a parent. infertile AND incapable of BFing. loooooser! maybe this is why I've subconsciously avoided these playdates. they make you feel like shit.

I listened to the talk of stopping BCPs and minivans needed to cart the brood around town in. I sat there, tuning them out, and simply enjoyed watching ginny. she was content and clearly digging all the new and unfamiliar toys. this child of mine is the joy and love of my life. this little miracle that amazes me every single morning when I wake up and see her giggling and smiling away at "momma." it kills me. I don't take this for granted for a single second. I am blessed beyond words.

I'm happy for my fellow infertiles that are onto child number 2. I wish you/them nothing but good luck and success. genuine good luck and success. but it's still there. it will always be there. that pang.

little miss giggles

2009-03-19T11:27:00.010-05:00

and look at those curls!

"secret recipe"

2009-03-14T09:18:00.051-05:00

so after countless emails asking about my last protocol I am finally posting the formula for our success. grandma's secret recipe. maybe not.

IVF #4
first of all, I believe we went to the best RE out there (in the world maybe) for a high FSH/AMA/DOR/crappy eggs/poor responder dx. yes, this is my simple opinion but many people (with proper medical training) feel the same as I do. dr davis at cornell is a genius! his wait list is very long but he is so worth it. after being "fired" from my first RE, "new RE dr d" was the only one who gave me a morsel of hope. remember, we are talking 1% chance here. my FSH was 16 point something going into IVF #3.

before I completely assaulted my body with hardcore hormones I did a little fine tuning to my diet. my acupuncturist who specializes in IF had me commit to changes that were necessary for my particular dx. I did a lot of research on my own as well.
- no wheat (I ate lots of brown rice and spelt toast with almond butter.)
- no caffeine (I had 1 cup of organic decaf a day.)
- reduce sugar intake dramatically
- no alcohol (not going to lie. I did have the occasional glass of wine here and there. and here and there...)
- no soy (very bad for fertility)

I included
- TONS of protein for egg quality issues (whey shakes, eggs, almonds, fish)
- lots and lots of organic fruit and dark green veggies (kale, spinach, broccoli...)
- fresh (almost daily) 1 oz nasty wheatgrass shot (powdered or pill form is not as effective.)
- omega 3's
- co-q10
- DHEA (75 mg for at least 3 months) really only recommended for AMA
- l'arginine
- pnvs
- folic acid
- specific herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist

b reluctantly included
- folic acid
- zinc
- maca
- fertilaid supplements
- omega 3's
while whining "the pills are too big and hard to swallow."
(insert :::slap, slap, SLAP:::)

co-culture! brilliant! I truly believe this was the "magic bullet" for our bfp. cornell is known for this procedure. it's not for everyone and does come with a high price tag. I'm talkin' HUGE! they literally do a cervical scraping (oh, and it hurts!) and then freeze your cells. it's awesome for those with repeat "questionable" embryo quality. it allows the embies to grow and develop in your own "fluids." makes sense to me.

for round 4 I was put on EPP/MDL (estrogen priming/microdose lupron -- a VERRRRY long protocol.) I was injecting 525 IU follistim and 75 menopur -- 5 shots a day total!

at ER I had 4 total (and decent) follies going in. we were incredibly disappointed. dr g retrieved 4 mature eggs which were all fertilized with ICSI. at my 3dt we had 3 embies that were ready for transfer (NOT implantation!) hoping at least 1 would indeed implant and stick around for 9 months. I did acupuncture immediately before and right after ET. I spent 1 day in bed and ate fresh pineapple core for a week. each day I listened to guided imagery by belleruth naparstek (goofy, I know, but the woman has a serious calming effect.) I was so convinced the cycle was a bust that I took major walks with the dog every afternoon during the 2ww to keep from going insane. but... there it was. 8dp3dt. that teeny tiny hint of a line that literally, only I could see. was it for real? I kept it a secret although I did share the news with lulu. she's good like that. 10dp3dt (day before beta) I did officially POAS. 2 lines! an image strong enough for all to see. what a glorious sight! one of the most fantastic, shocking, brings tears to your eyes, magical, overwhelming, takes your breath away, unbelievable, amazing moments of my life. (I think I left out magnificent.)

thanks uncle mike!

2009-03-12T14:57:00.010-05:00

for taking such fab photos. you're the best!

first trip to nyc

2009-03-09T14:53:00.021-05:00

it went beautifully! ginny was such a trooper and she did incredibly well. we're so proud of her.

unfortunately we missed out on seeing my buddy john and his band at joes' pub -- sold out! good for him, bad for us. supposedly he is a real rock star with the toddler set. I cannot wait for ginny to get old enough to take music lessons from him.

brunch was great (although very $$) and it was awesome to see everyone. we are REALLY looking forward to moving back. I cannot wait!

here is ginny with her pal mika (born 1 week before our little one.)

and here is uncle mike. ginny was diggin' him (and the bamboo tree.)

the little girl has been set free!

2009-03-05T14:38:00.004-05:00

(if only temporarily.) we go back for more photos and measuring to determine if head band #2 is necessary. terrible thought, I know.

projectile! volume 2

2009-03-03T10:10:00.008-05:00

"I'm rundown and at the end of my rope here."

my turn. 24 hours straight of raging vomit and diarrhea (not so pretty when one continues to have post-partum incontinence issues.) 3 pairs of pjs, 3 showers and one bathmat later I figured it out. sit on toilet and puke into wastebasket (sorry to be so graphic.)

it came fast and furious. like when you're at the beach on a beautiful day and all of a sudden a few clouds appear. then in an instant it begins to pour heavily. the wind picks up and you gather all your crap and sprint to the car. you're soaked. "where the hell did THAT come from?" at 4 pm on saturday this is exactly what happened in my belly. one minute I'm "fine" (rundown but fine) the next, every bone in my body felt broken and I couldn't get warm. the puking was not too far behind. I got slammed. big time!

see what happens when you try to do everything? now back to bed. email client, get hydrated, sleeeeep.

it's about time!

2009-03-01T15:49:00.001-05:00

for a "real" layout. I'm working on it...

projectile!

2009-02-28T12:38:00.014-05:00

vomit.

all last night. poor ginny had a very sick tummy. I suspected she wasn't feeling well when she started to scream halfway through her favorite thing "yum yum in the tum tum" -- the rice cereal. I thought that was rather odd. her usual enthusiasm was replaced with dramatic tears, an arching back and a little spit-up. not good. the full-on vomit came around 9:30 pm. that horrible noise then splat then wahhhhhhh. b was home (for a change) and this made me happy. I had a team mate to help out with a sick child and all the additional laundry a la puke. but then the reality of the situation hit me. oh, and it hit hard. not only was I dealing with infant belly distress I had a horrific case of chronic manflu on my hands. b was tired.

I'm rundown and at the end of my rope here. I'm sorry but one individual cannot possibly do all things house related, food related, dog related, baby related, work AND stay sane. after the 3rd pajama change and 2nd sheet/mattress pad change I brought ginny into bed with us. she was still having dry heaves and I didn't want her on her back. I literally threw off the hideous head band (yes, filled with vomit) to give the poor child a break. I kept her upright and rocked her to sleep. I eventually put her back into her bed while I stayed up all night keeping an eye on her. I admit I was pretty nervous. every tiny sound that came from the crib sent me leaping out of bed a million miles an hour. she vomited a few more times. she puked, b slept. she dry heaved, b snored. she got up at 8 am. b slept until 10:45 am. until...

"it's not MY job to do absolutely EVERYTHING!" (remember, I'm rundown.)

I gently handed ginny to b while he was still snoozing away. she had already pooped and peed through 3 diapers and 2 outfits. it was only 10:30! she had on an undershirt, a top, socks and a big ass (literally) cloth diaper. I collected the remaining stinky puke items to do even more laundry. when I can up from the basement b was standing at the top of the stairs. "should she be wearing pants?"

"sure." I said

"where would I find them?"

ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

to be continued

happy birthday virginia!

2009-02-27T18:09:00.005-05:00

6 months! today! that's 1/2 a year old.
amazing (and very scary) how time flies.

now let's all join hands and sing "happy 6 months birthday to you, happy..."

a little update

2009-02-20T17:16:00.007-05:00

I've been VERY busy this week and I wanted to let everyone know that I'm behind in responding to your emails. after my ppd post AND head band post AND cloth diapers post, I received a ton of emails. I intend to answer each and every one of them. I'm so sorry for the delay. apparently my ppd post hit home for many. it goes to show you that women continue to suffer (or get treatment) in private. some are even ashamed. it's that damn stigma thing again. you can always count on me to continue to add to my collection of stigmas and be open about them. infertility, formula feeding, post-partum depression... what's next? I can only imagine.

new camera! new carrots!

2009-02-19T17:30:00.006-05:00

thanks ariana for hooking us up with this fab camera. here is our first shot. yummmy.

urine management

2009-02-09T18:02:00.017-05:00

it's been awhile since my last post. put it this way, "dopey client." it's one thing to work as a freelancer/consultant for a big design firm. it's another thing to work with your own client. two completely separate beasts.
big design firm = 6 - 8 design concepts with a round of revisions and a set fee. done.
own client = bigger budgets with a lot of "hand holding" and hair pulling frustration. never done. did I mention the phone calls at 8 pm? on a saturday? oy. I've been busy.

so that's what I've been up to, aside from CDing (cloth diapering.) love it! (only after an intense and overwhelming education on the art of CDing.) shit, man! there is a huge CD subculture out there with an enormous, passionate following. BFing and CDs -- talk about serious emotions! you mention "sposies" (disposables) on a certain message board (I'm so not naming names) and watch out, girl! fear for your life!

so b and I spent an entire rainy sunday morning sipping coffee and researching the chore/hobby of CDing. literally HOURS were spent trying to sort through what to purchase for our "collection." blueberries, bum genius 3.0, thirsties, chinese prefolds, indian prefolds, kissaluvs, pockets, swaddlebees, wahmies, snappies, good mamas, AIO (all in ones) contours, happy heiny, fuzzibunz, imse vimse... get the picture? flannel, wool, hemp, organic? snaps vs. velcro? the confusion. the expense. the horror!

what ever happened to the cloth diapers I grew up with? simple cotton rectangles, a couple of safety pins and some good old rubber pants? done! geez. nowadays you need some sort of online degree from GMD (green mountain diapers) ridiculous! and washing them? not so easy. you have to consider hard water vs. soft water. pockets vs. prefolds. choosing the appropriate detergent was a challenging experience as well. I wasn't one to want to wash my bum genius 3.0 (not bum genius 1.0) separately from my kissaluv contours. fuck that. the point is to save money and the environment not do 7 additional loads of laundry every single day. and cost? wow! some diapers run $35... EACH!

after the initial shock ($) and being totally and completely aggravated (with a major bout of diaper rash) we have muddled our way through the murky waters of CDs -- and all is good. very good. in fact, I LOVE my CDs! I have to admit, we bought a few stinkers but we have quickly discovered our faves. we have a nice, uncomplicated routine happenin' now. ginny's rash has cleared up beautifully and I only do 1 extra load of laundry every 2/3 days. couldn't be simpler. no more expensive "sposies" filling up my garbage can (and the earth's landfills.) and those bizarre absorbing crystals left on ginny's bum? gone. but what about the poop? until ginny is out eating chilidogs and spicy beef tacos with her dad (please god, NO!) her poops are unremarkable and pretty benign.

the truth is, yes, CDing requires a little more work but so do a lot of things that are better for our earth and well being. this self proclaimed "recycling bully" is now a little greener. and it feels awwwesome!

another step backwards

2009-02-02T10:32:00.017-05:00

for us infertiles.

I wish the media would get it straight! geez louise! (I'm working on my potty mouth. I don't want ginny's first words to be "fucking checkbook.") the idiotic newscasters continue to say "implant" embryos instead of the correct term "transfer" embryos. no, the octuplets were not a result of IVF and implanting 8 embryos. not all transfered embryos IMPLANT people! grrrrrrr.

so here we go again. we are forced to defend IVF and try to teach the public how the process works (when done "correctly.")

IVF 101 -
embryos (usually 1 - 2) are transfered into the uterus with the hope that one will implant and develop into a fetus and ultimately a baby.

dumbass with access to fertility drugs 101 -
my theory on the octuplets? I believe the woman took stims on her own. she clearly responded well to the meds and developed many follicles. any intelligent RE would either cancel the IUI/TI or convert to IVF so he/she had some "control." an u/s would obviously indicate numerous follies. nobody (a responsible professional) would transfer 8 embryos or do an IUI with the potential of producing such a large number of eggs. that's bullshit. this woman already has 6 kids so she's proven she's "kinda" fertile. I think she took the meds with no supervision, hence multiple fertilized eggs (who knows, maybe 15) and the implantation of 8 embryos. idiot.

happy 5 months virginia!

2009-01-28T10:35:00.005-05:00

yesterday was ginny's 5 month birthday. shocking! it was a big day for all of us. we officially switched over to cloth diapers (an overwhelming experience.) the tiny, shiny crystals left on her bum from disposables really disturbed me (more on this later.) and ginny began to eat rice cereal like a pro. we are also 3 weeks into the torturous head band (only 5 more to go!... hopefully.) I miss seeing and kissing her little head.

auntie jen was here for a visit. it was great! we shopped, drank wine, took walks, drank wine, shopped a little more, and... drank a little more wine. one of the highlights(?) of her stay was being sucked into the sick, sick world of the duggar family. what a bunch of fucking freaks! (excuse my language.) geez. the wedding of the son was bizarre. and that mother! we figured she has spent her entire adult life pregnant. what do you think her uterus looks like? so if each of her 18 kids has 18 children each, we're talking 324 grandchildren -- 3 times the size of my high school graduating class! these people must be stopped!

how is it possible?

2009-01-20T10:23:00.015-05:00

to be so happy and yet so sad.

3 little letters. PPD.

yep. postpartum depression. it's hard to utter those words. it's no good.

I remember my very first acupuncture session, post surgery in early 2007. I was gearing up for IVF #1. A and I spent almost 3 hours together chatting away. we obviously discussed my health, my diet, my lifestyle. but we talked a lot about my relationship with b and what I wanted from my life. it was almost more therapy than needles and new age instrumentals. so what did I want in my life? a baby with b. a baby we'd name virginia.

I got exactly what I wished for and I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed. granted it was a draining and emotional rollercoaster for almost 2 years and we've exhausted our savings, but my glorious dream came true. a dream that required total dedication on so many levels and almost 400 injections. but she is so worth it and I wouldn't change a thing.

so what's the deal? why am I not on cloud 9? but I am! that's what's so tragic. I am over the moon thrilled don't get me wrong. but it's this sadness that constantly creeps into my daily routine. the tears at a drop of a hat. the fear. the irrational fears that are paralyzing at times. like I said, it's no good.

the irrational thoughts are... quite frankly, irrational. do I dare confess? I have moments when I get overwhelmed and panicky at the thought of driving on route 95. I'm afraid I'm going to get sick. cancer runs rampant in my family and I fear it's only a matter of time. the thought of putting ginny through what I went through with my mother's illness terrifies me. the thought of leaving her terrifies me even more. I get teary constantly. tears sometimes for no obvious or logical reason. I've said this before, it is so much easier to be sad and unhappy. it's when you feel good and at peace, that's when shit happens. my life at the moment is about waiting for the other shoe to drop. that's a horrible way to exist. I'm conscious of this and we're working on it.

so I'm back on my meds. the same drugs I took when this whole IF fiasco started. the same meds that I took after my mom passed away when I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. we're pretty confident that they'll make a difference with PPD -- something that I've been denying and battling now for a few months. I hope to be feeling better, more "even keeled," very soon. it's an amazing time right now with ginny who's growing like a little weed. we are having so many firsts these days. I refuse to look back on this time and recall a lot of gloom. fuck that. it's time to rid myself of unhealthy thoughts and feeling scared. it's time to thoroughly enjoy my dream.

there. I said it.

"I'm ok. I'm just reshaping."

2009-01-15T14:54:00.018-05:00

she's not so happy, our little sensitive one. ginny is very much aware of the head band. I don't care what people say, she definitely knows it's there sitting tight and hard on her tiny head. we have a game that we play whenever we're on the couch. these days it is a very different experience.

"one, two... THREEEEEEE" and I lift her high above my head so she can see her drooly reflection in the mirror. I used to (past tense) get huge smiles and giggles. NOW all I get is a blank expression. how sad is THAT?!

"ohhhh. how cute. how old is she?" a typical comment on a typical trip to walgreens. NOW all I get is a quick glance into the infant seat and then they're gone. the general public is terrified of the head band. TERRIFIED I tell you! ginny has gone from being rather popular and adored to being completely neglected and ignored. "it's not contagious people!"

so when someone says that this is harder on me than it is on her I beg to differ. it's a nice thought but it's not true. the head band has no give whatsoever and constantly pulls on her wispy locks. it's a sweaty mess when I take it off for that one precious hour each night. the sharp point in the front was bruising her left eyelid when she slept (it has since been filed down.) it's bulky and gets in the way when we cuddle. it just plain sucks.

so please, my fair readers, do me a favor. if you come across a wee one in your travels sporting a similar head band (aka dynamic orthotic cranioplasty for plagiocephaly -- say that 10 times fast!) please give him/her a nice, big, heartfelt "hello there! you look very cute today."

"lulu doggie ruff ruff"

2009-01-13T10:32:00.000-05:00

ok. what do you think?

2009-01-12T16:39:00.006-05:00

thanks auntie laura!

our very brave little girl

2009-01-08T11:24:00.005-05:00

she hates it.

I hate it.

this sucks!

today's the day.

2009-01-07T10:52:00.010-05:00

the dreaded day. we pick up the helmet.

this sweet, chubby, drooly face. she has no idea what's coming -- poor thing. she had her 4 month shots on monday and has been in a state ever since -- fever, loss of appetite, serious crankiness. I've been in a state myself. I nearly pummeled the plumber yesterday who came to investigate the mysterious source of our christmas morning flood in the basement (2 inches of water in some spots.) of course the water is long gone now thanks a wet vacuum. "there's no leak. it's dry down here." he tells me in. dumbass. he's lucky he got out of my basement alive.

what a shitty week.

(but take note of those awesome neck muscles! good job little girl!)

life with an biracial baby

2009-01-05T17:38:00.012-05:00

shaws supermarket. monday 5 jan 09. 4:20 pm.

"Is that your grandbaby?"

huh? "what?... ummm... no. she's mine."

I REALLY feel like vomiting. shit, I know I'm old.

"ohhhhh. you adopted!"

(((gulp))) "no. I had her myself."

long awkward silence.

"but she looks like. looks to be... "

"asian?"

"yeah!"

"my husband is korean."

"oh. paper or plastic?"

"neither. I brought my own bags"

sad news

2008-12-31T13:10:00.014-05:00

sad for me.

we finally had our meeting with the cranial specialists. virginia was diagnosed with plagiocephaly. the flatness on the left side of her head is affecting her ear (shifting forward) and eye (facial asymmetry.) she was measured and photographed repeatedly for her custom designed helmet. because she is growing so quickly she starts treatment next week. we tried at-home positional therapy and it obviously didn't work. I am having a fit.

ginny has always favored the left side of her head. we're told that most likely this started in-utero. sleeping on her back (as you know, to avoid SIDS) has only added to the problem. we are instructed to do physical therapy as well to help strengthen the muscles in the right side of her neck. she hates it! tummy time is usually a battle with lots of tears. we have a lot of work to do.

in the meantime I will join (yet another) online group for support. the therapist suggested we do so to "talk" with other parents. ginny is expected to sport the helmet for at least 2 months, 23 hours a day. we will see the specialist once a week for adjustments. it's a 45 minute drive each way. shit. nothing is easy. but after extreme infertility, an anxious pregnancy, HORRIFIC labor and delivery, hospitalization for jaundice, episiotomy incontinence, seriously infected nipples, never ending UTIs, a bout of colic, breastfeeding "gone wrong," and single parenthood, why should anything be easy?

if anyone has any experience with plagiocephaly I'd love to hear your story. in the meantime we will have to take tons of pictures of our beautiful ginny with those sweet, wispy locks.

happy happy!

2008-12-24T10:03:00.009-05:00

wishing everyone a very joyous and healthy new year filled with love, hope and miracles!

happy holidays!

-p, b, and baby v
(and lulu doggie)

yes virginia, there is a santa claus.

2008-12-23T09:48:00.014-05:00

you knew this post was coming!

and yes virginia, santa does take lunch -- a break between 1:00 and 2:00. we learned this the hard way when we arrived at 2:05 at the worst mall in america. we strolled around for 50 minutes trying to find one decent store to browse in. nothing. even the food court sucked. so by 2:00, ginny (with a terrible cold -- note: runny nose and drooly mouth) had had it. enough.

it was touch and go with santa. she was on the cusp of full blown tears when this photo was taken. her mother was on the cusp of full blown tears when the idiotic woman in front of her insisted on having a redo of her kid's portrait. she sucked up an additional 10 minutes of santa's precious time. I guess she didn't notice the 75 stressed out adults with crying infants and squirmy toddlers waiting in line.

but santa was awesome! so authentic with his thick, white (and very real) beard, big belly and rosy cheeks. however his southern accent really caught me off guard. who knows. maybe he moved his wife, elves and entire operation down to the south pole where it's warm and sunny. whatever.

18 december

2008-12-18T10:38:00.015-05:00

I was sitting in the exact same spot as I am now. same chair. same desk. different client.
it was the same day. different year (2007.)
same tragic hairstyle. different weight (ohhhh. to be that weight again.)

it was sunny out. cold but pleasant.

I don't know what possessed me to do it. I was only 8dp3dt. I had family coming the next day. my beta was in 2 days. like they say, "ignorance is bliss."

but I had a whole stash left over. so I did it.

poas.

it was a cheap internet test. but there it was! an ever-so-subtle hint of the infamous second line. it was soooooo faint but I saw something. I felt like throwing up. those tests were crazy inexpensive so how trustworthy were they? was this some cruel evaporation line?

I couldn't take my eyes off it. was my brain playing tricks on me? I stared at it for hours. I'd put it down for a minute then pick it back up. I used natural light. I used the lights in the kitchen. I went to the front door (east light). I went to the back door (west light.)

I saw our UPS guy come down the driveway. I was moments away from asking him if he could see the second line. but I was too scared to hear his response. no doubt he would think I was insane. I didn't want him to ruin my moment. let me have this glorious time. it was nice (and so awkward) to feel hopeful.

I emailed a fellow T TTC buddy. she demanded that I test again. so off to walgreens I went. a million miles an hour. I got home and peed on the very popular and supposedly accurate FRER. I was shaking. I waited. and waited. and waited. and there it was...

ERROR

fuck. I was crushed. I decided to keep this little secret to myself. my sister and nephew would be arriving in the morning and I didn't want to be upset and depressed. I decided to wait until the negative beta and then have my official devastated breakdown.

18 december 2007. history was about to be made.

ginny's first photo

2008-12-10T16:10:00.016-05:00

exactly one year ago today I had my less than stellar ET. it was a pretty terrible day to be honest. going in I felt defeated. in my heart I was convinced it was yet another failed cycle. only 4 eggs (total) retrieved. 3 embies after ICSI. 3 embies transferred -- 5, 8, and 10 cell. AND another car accident. talk about adding insult to injury.

as I look back at this photo I wonder which one is ginny. I think about the other two. sisters? brothers? one of each? I have to admit, it makes me a little sad.

but look at what this tiny cluster of cells has turned into. the love of my life. I will forever and ever be grateful to my hero (dr d) at cornell. he didn't "fire me" like that other clinic. he gave me a tiny bit of hope that "it" could possibly work. the end result is looking at me right now with chubby cheeks and a giant, drooly smile. beautiful.

a fresh start

2008-12-09T18:18:00.003-05:00

it's time for a new (and much improved) title.

(see above)

100 day birthday

2008-12-08T12:00:00.011-05:00

supposedly this is big in the korean culture. who knows...

poor little ginny had to wear this tragic (size 12 months) "pimp" coat from his mother (b said it, not me!) for all the photos. 100 days does not = 12 months.

the raisins on the massive 30 lb rice cake spell out congratulations 100 days. now my entire freezer is filled to capacity with leftovers that taste like absolutely nothing.

oh christmas tree oh christmas tree...

2008-12-08T11:47:00.009-05:00

ginny's first christmas. I love it! too bad mama looks like santa -- BIG and FAT!

thanksgiving 2007

2008-11-25T11:22:00.010-05:00

what a difference a year makes. b (post call and irritable) and I spent thanksgiving alone (and arguing if I recall correctly.) my entire family was in maine and I was incredibly sad not to be up there with them. I was expected to be at cornell at 7 am the day after thanksgiving -- cd 3 b/w for IVF #4. at this point I was simply going through the motions. get up at 4 am, get on the train, get off at 125th street/harlem (still dark out) take #6 train to 68st, walk east to cornell and sit in waiting room for my name to be called. this was my routine. nothing remarkable or out of the ordinary. my life.

like I said "what a difference a year makes." this thursday I will be in maine with my family and virginia will be the extra special added bonus. AMAZING! if you had asked me last year if I thought we'd be celebrating thanksgiving 2008 with a baby I would have responded "nope." 3 IVFs didn't work so why would #4?

so what am I thankful for this year? hmmmmmm. I wonder.

speechless

2008-11-21T12:59:00.004-05:00

I have a tearful moment
every
single
day.
man, I am sooo lucky...

she did it! I did it!

2008-11-09T19:22:00.005-05:00

she slept through the night! not once but twice! the first time I tucked her in comfy cozy (our little burrito baby) around 10 pm. b was on call and she and I set up camp downstairs due to strong paint fumes (long story) in the bedroom. lulu and I curled up on the couch and slept soundly until... 5:45 am! a record!

the next night was even better. ginny went to bed again at 10 pm and woke up after 6 am! mama is verrrrry happy! a bit more rested and very happy.

what did I do? I wore a pair of pre-preg pants! even though I couldn't button them I was able to get my flabby pp ass into a decent pair of pants. b and I went to a dinner party saturday night and I actually, sort of, looked like my old self. I had my hair cut and colored and I was sporting mascara AND lipstick. man... it felt good.

10 years ago today

2008-11-05T11:18:00.006-05:00

we lost my mom, virginia, "ginny" to cancer.

it feels like it was just yesterday.

the sadness is still overwhelming.

especially now.

one year ago today

2008-11-01T10:00:00.009-05:00

we lost our little boy chilli.

2nov07

we will forever miss him.

my very special pug.

the birth story - chapter 2

2008-10-29T17:24:00.019-05:00

finally!
pitocin sucks!

27 august 08. it was around 6 am when perky nurse came in to wake me up. not a problem considering I was never really sleeping. I showered and moaned about being completely constipated (thanks a bundle zofran.) nothing like going into labor and feeling rather... puffy. b arrived around 7 am and I was then wisked away to my new floor and private birthing room. very exciting! the room was ok -- nothing like the large, model version I saw on my hospital tour. the view was so so. once we got settled, pitocin was added to my IV. "we're on. rock and roll!"

grumpy nurse was far from sympathetic to my bowel issues. her primary job was to keep checking the monitors and, well, be grumpy. she scared me. the thought of her guiding me through the rigors of labor was super upsetting. "she's going to ruin it. she's surly, mean and bossy!"

"oooooh! I feel something. it's not bad. just some pressure." so I started to knit. I propped myself up in the rocker and proceeded to complete 2 full rows of the infamous, never ending baby sweater. I had all afternoon to hang out and knit. suffer through a couple contractions, knit and ultimately have a baby. cool! easy breezy.

"OUCH! the pitocen is REALLY kickin' in." I had to stop knitting mid row and quickly pack up the yarn. it didn't take long to feel full-on contractions. I couldn't find a position to get comfortable in. I couldn't sit, I couldn't walk, I couldn't be in bed. I told b that I was really hurting and that this whole thing kind of sucked. he kindly responded that I knew pain would be part of labor. (nice.) then the tears came. and more pain. and, thankfully, a new labor nurse. the 14 year old. teenage nurse.

teenage nurse was awesome! she rubbed my back and kept calling me "hon." very sweet. she was terribly kind when I was holding onto the side of the bed for dear life crying in agony. "I need meds!" within moments I had a huge syringe in my ass. ahhhhh. relief. it was short lived.

now at this point I am a mess -- gripping the bed rail as hard as I could, crying, eyes permanently closed. even in a drugged haze (I felt stoned) the pitocen induced contractions were relentless. vicious. cruel actually. the shot was crap. bring on the epidural AND fast! in came the anesthesiologist with her resident. I recall saying (not politely) over and over "don't let HIM do it!" the poor guy. I had a fellow do my amnio and there was no way in hell that a resident/fellow would give me the epidural. fuck that. I needed experience here!

then everything became a terrible blur. a torturous, sickening, excruciating blur. there was no relief to be found. there were no breaks in between contractions. AND I hadn't even started to push.

to be continued - chapter 3

spread the word!

2008-10-18T10:20:00.003-05:00

feel free to use these logos on your blog, message boards, facebook...

twins version

2008-10-17T21:26:00.002-05:00

TTTC version

2008-10-17T21:01:00.004-05:00

logo "work in progress"

2008-10-17T19:33:00.004-05:00

6 weeks. time management issues

2008-10-11T15:46:00.012-05:00

wow.

where do the days go when you have a newborn? is 6 weeks still considered a newborn?

most days I don't get to shower until oprah (that's 4 pm here in ct. and I don't even watch oprah.) if I'm lucky I get to brush my teeth for the first time by 11 am. little ginny (at 10 lbs 14 oz) totally runs the house. I have to admit it's been VERY difficult coordinating her feeding/her lack of sleeping/dog walking/grocery shopping/bill paying/dinner making(?)/breast pumping/manual expression/thank you writing (gifts keep coming)/laundry doing/finding time for me to sleep... all I can say is, how do people manage with twins?! impossible!

I have so many topics for my blog just no time to really sit down and update. I start work again on monday. that SUCKS! it will be "part time" for the moment. we really need to find someone who can come into my home and watch ginny for a few hours a day. there is NO way I can focus on a project now and give any client my full attention. that's not right. so how does one go about finding a child care solution? where do you begin looking? who do you trust?

on another note, we just got back from a week in maine. it was bittersweet. I loved LOVED being home with my sisters but the house just wasn't the same. I thought a lot about m and my mom. both would have been so thrilled with virginia (who, mind you, is named after my mom.) the ocean air was glorious -- awesome for sleeping. I was really hoping ginny would experience the effects of the calming atlantic breezes. no such luck. sleeping is such a challenge for her. I mean her sleeping is such a challenge for me.

so here is virginia sporting her new hat (although I'm not so sure she is diggin' the look.) being the only niece in a family of nephews means lots of shopping -- polka dot dresses, flowered onesies, striped tights, leopard print hats! being in maine with all the outlets (hanna andersson rules!) also means lots of shopping. never has there been so much pink in my home. I love it!

I feel sick to my stomach

2008-09-30T10:36:00.005-05:00

I am totally heartbroken for elm city dad. I haven't heard something this tragic in quite some time. please go and support him. as I type this I can see virginia's squirmy arms and chubby legs coming from the bassinet. my god, I feel so lucky.

4 weeks!

2008-09-25T14:36:00.004-05:00

little virginia in her cozy hoodie that b gave her for her 4 week birthday. I actually have the same one but in a much larger/chubbier version. believe me, I don't look half as cute.

the birth story - chapter 1

2008-09-23T12:39:00.006-05:00

the induction
bring it on! (famous last words)

26 august 08. I went into hospital at 9 am for my BPP monitoring. fluid levels were good. little one's hb was nice and strong. dr c from dr f's office checked for any softening or dilation. if you can believe it, I had progressed(?) backwards. it appears that ron the midwife was being awfully generous in observing my cervical changes during my last few ob visits. liar. big dopey liar.

dr c gave me my first ripening treatment around 11 am. I was all set to get dressed and go home when she told me that I was being sent up to the 10th floor -- maternal medicine... for good.
"did you bring your bag with you?"
"ahhhh... no."
I had really intended on going home. I had my birthing ball there. my stop watch. my 100% fruit popsicles. I was hoping to "ripen" and start early labor in my own comfy surroundings (with premium cable.) what a fantasy that was. dream on sister.

so there I was. pacing and watching the giant clock in a small, sterile hospital room (with a fantastic view, mind you) anxiously anticipating the birth of little one. b had gone home to get my bag as well as take care of lulu. I was alone, nauseated and starting to freak out. throughout the day and into the night I continued to get the ripening injections from assorted ob residents. each one saying the same exact thing, "cervix still long and hard. no dilation." the last injection was given to me by what seemed to be a 15 year old. she had great difficulty positioning the syringe and it actually hurt and burned. not cool. I couldn't eat because of a major sour stomach and nausea. the knife pain in my belly (a form of contraction) made it hard to get comfortable in bed or even stroll 15 yards down the hallway. plus I had to be hooked up to the baby monitors. it was the day before labor started and I was already weak and exhausted. thank god for zofran though. it took care of the nausea but nobody told me it was constipating.

oy.

to be continued.

we made contact!

2008-09-18T10:55:00.004-05:00

at ginny's 3 week birthday I was finally able to BF! woo hoo! we had a couple brilliant latch-ons and guess what? they didn't hurt! this is very exciting for "mummy" as I am practically reduced to tears every time I mix up a batch of powder formula. hideous stuff. it stinks. literally.

so it only took 3 appointments (2-3 hours each meeting) with a BF specialist (whose practice sees more women than any other in the us.) dr s is a genius! after seeing the damage done to my nipples she said she hadn't seen a case like mine in years! that figures! she actually wanted to photograph my boobs! but we were able to clear up the infection with antibiotic cream and she tackled my major fear and emotional nursing issues. my mission now is to build up my weak milk supply. this won't be easy but I will do what I have to do. this seems to be the theme with our little virginia. nothing is easy and everything requires a bit more work and effort. but she is SOOOOO worth it!

and happy anniversary b! (2 days late.) the poor kid had a birthday and wedding anniversary and he got the big "goose egg" from his wife. oh well. next year. he actually bought me a comfy cozy hoodie for our "cotton anniversary" - year 2. too bad it's made out of polyester.

2 infertiles' journey to 2 pink lines (and a baby girl)

the good. the bad. the ugly.

tick tock

untitled

yep...

old friends

hard stuff.

oy.

my twin

speech therapy - chapter 1

happy new year!

shhhhhhhh.

happy happy!

back from hiatus

surprise beach trip! thanks b!

*sigh*

2 turntables and a microphone

a "borrowed" post

it pays to be social

holdin' down the fort

we look the same

a picture's worth...

what an amazing year!

meltdown and/or breakdown

incredibly sad and tragic

she's at it again

birthday time! (plus bonus rant.)

our trip back home to maine

gone fishin'

"is this your baby?"

PRIVATE

welcome back! (with a bang! literally)

life (so far) in the big city

yep! were finally here!

lil update

favorite things - tuesday edition

where did the baby go?

9 months! NINE!

yet another crapola birthday

it really doesn't matter

never in my life

in a nutshell

mother's day (beginner's version.)

chomp!

happy 8 months (and 3 days) virginia!

mia

you can't make this shit up

favorite things - thursday edition

my uterus is falling! my uterus is falling!

favorite things - tuesday edition

a week of favorite things! weeeeeee!

happy happy easter!

ok. enough of this crap.

the return of p & v's favorite things

it feels good!

wanna talk infertility?

it stays with you.

little miss giggles

"secret recipe"

thanks uncle mike!

first trip to nyc

the little girl has been set free!

projectile! volume 2

it's about time!

projectile!

happy birthday virginia!

a little update

new camera! new carrots!

urine management

another step backwards

happy 5 months virginia!

how is it possible?

"I'm ok. I'm just reshaping."

"lulu doggie ruff ruff"

ok. what do you think?

our very brave little girl

today's the day.

life with an biracial baby

sad news

happy happy!

sigh