the burbs

we just discovered that our little condo community is mostly chinese. our neighbors have really welcomed DH (even though he is korean.) we learned that many of the young families here bring their parents over from china to take care of the children. I have yet to encounter anyone who speaks english. I think the elders fear/avoid me because of our 2 very ferocious (and small and gassy and bagel obsessed) dogs. I don't feel very welcome.

I came home yesterday (after tracking down the elusive trader joes) to find a large blow-up pool right in front of our unit. there must have been 5 or 6 small children splashing around and screaming with joy. they were all very cute and so happy. I couldn't help but imagine our own child playing in the pool with all the little neighbors. I immediately went inside, turned on the ac to drown (?) out the noise, and put a sheet in the window to block the view.

last night the pregnant woman in the returns line at home depot made me cry. she must have been close to 8 months pregnant and she looked great. I don't like being surrounded by all this fertility. why didn't b apply for a fellowship in nyc? the suburbs equal children. and lots of them.

post lobster

we have returned. back to the filth of incomplete home renovations, boxes of hastily packed junk and a massive "to do" list. the contractor/plummer/electrician is nowhere to be found. the heat and humidity are dreadful (our fans are far away in a westchester storage unit.) AND I have still yet to find a grocery store that is not 3 towns away. a fridge with $6 organic 100% cranberry juice and follistim cartridges isn't going to cut it.

I cannot even shower. I am waiting for an important call from dr s. after a ton of thought and many tears I decided to postpone our next IVF. there is too much going on at the moment and my frame of mind couldn't be further away from brown rice, ultrasounds and shooting up. emotionally and physically I am not prepared for a july cycle. we are taking a month off. a july IVF could never in a million years possibly give us positive results. I am defeated even before I start.

actually it is kind of nice to feel "human" again. I'm enjoying being normal for the time being. once we get a bit settled and I start working again I hope to feel more confident for round 2. or is it round 3? anyway, the lobster in maine was truly awesome. as usual I slipped into "seagull mode" and attacked everyone's leftover carcasses in search of undiscovered morsels of meat. for a vegetarian that's pretty hardcore. b once said he has never seen me happier than when I have a lobsta in front of me. now I'm wicked hungry.

home sweet new home

today is saturday 23 june. 5:45 pm. I just now had my first shower since thursday 7 am. the move was looong and haaard. we finally have hot water and I can shove aside some boxes of crap and sit on the couch and relax for 5 minutes. my back hurts.

my diet has gone to shit. very few quality greens, too much wine, wheat, cheese... ughhh. new haven is all about the pizza. my sister L, nephew B, and DH and I had a pizza last night with, no joke, mashed potatoes on top. it rocked! I need to get my post-move act together to gear up for the next round of IVF.

I am dead tired and I still need to get a bag ready for our trip home to maine tomorrow. I guess all I can really pack is my toothbrush. boxes of clothing are god knows where. at least the drive north is a bit shorter from our new address. what's the first thing I'll do when I get "downeast?" a loooooong deep breath of ocean air... and then a giant 2 lb. hardshell lobster. now we're talkin'.

oh, the horror

my mourning period has been cut short. our apartment is upsidedown and literally separated into hundreds of boxes. boxes that were packed in an unhappy and depressed frenzy. we move tomorrow. shit. we move into an apartment mid renovation. we can only hope the bathroom is complete and functioning. we have house guests arriving the next day. oh, and the french bulldog has bad diarrhea and it is raining outside.

OFFICE (box # 1,627)
- epson printer
- xmas throw rug
- cocktail napkins
- x-ray (HSG of blocked tubes)

I anticipate hardcore unpacking anger. "where the hell are the tiffany champagne flutes from the wedding? simple. they are in the box with the bedroom lampshades, the silver birkenstocks, and the fedex envelopes." nice.

we met with dr s yesterday to talk about our/my failed IVF. she would really like for us to try again. again? really? the embryos were actually pretty decent quality but there just weren't enough of them. her plan of action is a different protocol with the addition of clomid and lupron. b and I are pretty firm on doing co-culture as well. we will find out today if that decadent procedure can be fit into their july schedule.

dr s had an interesting point of view. "this is the first "real" time ever that the two of you "tried" to get pregnant." she's right. the first time bypassing the tubal problems and addressing the sperm issues. it was the first time in history that it could have been possible. you can't throw in the towel after one sincere and honest attempt.

so let's plant some wheatgrass, find a new haven acupuncturist, and start again. new haven to nyc is a long trek. am I up for it?

absolutely.

the day after

what happened?! my eyes are incredibly swollen this morning. I was much happier asleep. why did the man with the baby twins have to talk to me during my dog walk? they were IVF twins no doubt. "shooo! go away. leave me alone please."

where do you turn when one of the best (if not the best) IF clinics in the world fails you? (my turn to fingerpoint.) these guys at cornell are geniuses so what the hell?

how do you tell the huge number of people that have been rooting for you that the IVF didn't work? infertility is already an awkward topic and hard to talk about.

IVF is incredibly difficult -- torture really. the efforts completely take over all aspects of your life. you work sooooo hard emotionally and logistically and put your body through sooooo much to hopefully get to the point where you are able to hold a photo of your potential child/children. the picture is so satisfying, so sweet -- like an award of achievement. the infertility oscar. "look! this is really possible! you guys did it!" then the future and optimism are painfully ripped out of you with a 5 second blood test and phone call. "I'm sorry." the nurse was very kind and she seemed genuinely sad. I couldn't utter a single word.

I am heartbroken. I am pissed that we are being denied what so many people take for granted. take for granted!

and I do know that I have many wonderful things to be thankful for and happy about. I have an amazing family, fantastic friends, and a husband I adore. "things" have really clicked for us during this last year. we've been "tested" constantly and we learned a ton and ultimately grew closer. the good in my life was even more evident when I was bedridden after the ET. I have not lost perspective and I recognize all the great in my life. but it is the "loss" -- the obvious loss. and the loss of our dream. this is not about not getting what we want. we are battling instict as well.

a biological child. a "luxery item" that just seems so out of our reach. that hurts.

the call

negative.

too upset to speak (or even function properly.)

infertile blind date

we had breakfast after my 7 am b/w. she is a really nice girl making twiglet. we actually "met" through our IF blogs. she lives in LA and was here in nyc for a couple days on business. I was terribly depressing company. all gloom and doom. I don't think she'll call back for a second date. this has been my state ever since my negative home pg test on monday. the recent cramping is all too familiar. god! I was so optimitic last week! it felt good to be positive for a change. b and I had a concrete reason (2 of them) to have hope to expect our very own miracle - EDD, my mother's birthday. the universe is terribly cruel. this fucking sucks!

my beta is in 2 days. there really is no need to go. driving 40 miles for the inevitable bad news is just adding insult to injury. the spotting has gone from what one can expect in the 2ww to something more substantial. when I spoke to b tonight I couldn't even tell him. he has been so happy these days. what's even worse than hearing the IVF didn't work is telling b the bad news. I feel like a failure on so many levels. what the fuck went wrong?

I think I am going to puke.

drive-by shooting

DH is on call. it's 8:45 pm and my progesterone shot is due in 15 minutes. I pack my ziplock baggy with all my drug paraphernalia. PIO, check. alcohol swabs, check. syringe, check. 22G 1 1/2 needle, check. car keys, check.

I usually meet b in hospital but he's busy tonight. I pull into the main entrance, park by the front door and page him. our secret code is 111 - "I'm here." while I sit and wait I observe all the hospital activity. crutches, flowers, lots of families. there he his looking all handsome in his sparkling white, impeccably pressed lab coat. it's pretty obvious I don't do his laundry. engine still running, he jumps in, qives a quick kiss and prepares the goods. I get out of the car, run around to the passenger side, pull down my pants and "OUCH! ya' got me!" we can only hope that my bruised, puffy, naked ass didn't ruin someone's meal in the hospital cafeteria. so sorry.

relief

I don't tiptoe around the house anymore and I finally feel ok about peeing. I no longer need the assistance of the bathroom faucet running full blast in order to empty my reluctant bladder. the first few days after ET I was so terrified and convinced that I would pee the embies out. dumb, I know. borderline idiotic even.

"do you really think your doctor put the embryos in your bladder?"

oh my.

now who sounds like the bigger dope? DH is awfully bright but his question concerns me a tad bit. yikes.

FRAGILE handle with care

packing sucks! I am tired. I am hot. I am a total nervous nelly. I've had a constant lingering ache (not cramp) on my left side since yesterday and it concerns me. my left ovary was the hardworking and cooperative ovary. it actually bothered me all through my stims. you'd think a week post ER I would feel back to "normal." what is normal these days anyway? I called my RE and she is out today goofin' off. an on-call fellow rang me back.

"are you doubled-over in pain?"
"no."
"your estrogen and progesterone levels seem fine. it's probably not torsion."...(what's torsion?)
"should I worry?"
"cramping is normal."...(it's an ache.)
"so I should ignore it?"
"don't ignore it."
"ok. thanks for calling."

what the hell did we just talk about? that conversation was as productive as my right ovary.

of course my little head (with ancient ratty haircut and lacking professional "sun kissed" highlights) has been spinning. a person my age and with my tubal surgery history has a 20-50% chance of ectopic. crap. if it's not one thing to worry about it's another. the 2ww should really be the 2www. the 2 week wait and worry.

6dpER (6dpo) or 3dpET

I can say I'm officially in the 2ww. FINALLY! I have only read about what it must be like to be in this position. the waiting. oh, the waiting. that's all we IVF/IUI gals do. wait. and wait... I've been counting days and anticipating this moment since my Dx in january. it's torture! this whole experience is torture.

being bedridden is very difficult if you are not feeling sickly. I had all these grand plans of what I would accomplish these last few days. I tell you something. doing nothing is exhausting.

so here they are right before the day 3 tranfer. little one left and little one right. people actually have symptoms at this point. I feel nothing but residual ER cramping and nauseating high level anxiety. but if I brush my teeth long and hard enough I can make my gums bleed (a typical early pg sign.) it would be nice to have some sort of "symptom" to hold on to to give us some hope.

we did it!

actually, cornell did it. 2 embies transfered! 1 7 cell and 1 13 cell. stay tuned! pictures coming soon!

IVFcam

what a cool idea. b thought of this when we were discussing our 2 embryos that are currently growing/dividing in a petri dish on the upper east side of manhattan. 2 out of the 4 fertilized. 1 was immature and the 3rd, for whatever reason, decided not to fertilize. so we have 2! a live IVFcam would be awesome. divide baby divide!

I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I was petrified. are the eggs healthy? are they too old? did any fertilize? are b's swimmers and my eggs compatible? would they dig each other? oh, the thoughts going through my little head. I knew we would get "the call" sometime between 10 am and 1 pm. I figured the closer the call was to 10 the better the news would be. a call at 12:45 could only mean no embryos. the woman ringing everyone up saves the worst for last, right? I was up at 7:45 waiting by my phone(s). I even carried them with me to the bathroom. it rang at 10:40. whew. the news must be positive.

after calling b and my family I rang my acupuncturist. she has 3 possibly 4 transfers on monday. this means 4 of us had successful ERs on friday -- the full moon. she has never experienced so many transfer sessions in one day. I will have a one hour appointment before the transfer and then she will come to my home post transfer for another set of needles. she is following the same protocol that was published in that infamous article. the study that had amazing results when adding acupuncture before and after embryo transfer. then I will be bedridden for 2 days. thank god for professional dog walkers.

2 little embryos. the potential for 2 little lives that are just beginning. what a miracle this would be.

the moon is full

"The moon affects water, tides, our bodily fluids and the sap in plants, and for centuries planting and harvesting have been guided by the moon. The moon has also long been associated with women, magic and fertility."

"The phases of the Moon relate to the relation between the Sun and the Moon with the point of view of the land. In the feminine cycle, the Full Moon corresponds to the ovulation. It is the period of fertility, of fullness, where it has the possibility to generate life. In agriculture, the Full Moon marks the moment of the harvest for medicinal plants and it also marks the time to sow fruitful trees."

4 eggs retrieved today. I am tired and crampy at the moment but I do feel much better than expected. and no vomiting or nausea! woo hoo! it is so friggin' hot and humid though. I was excited to take b's car into the city this morning because he has functioning air conditioning. it functioned for about 5 minutes only. and we got a $65 parking ticket. oh well. another unexpected dip into our ever-dwindling IVF fund.

4 tiny eggs. we find out in the morning how many, if any, fertilized. it is a strange feeling thinking that possibly the begining of our little family is growing in a petri dish at this very moment. it's indeed possible. "stay positive! it only takes one." I'm already feeling protective, maternal. no doubt our cells are in the best hands and are getting great care.

"the moon is full and gorgeous! cornell work your magic! grow and multiply tiny cells! grow!"