we had breakfast after my 7 am b/w. she is a really nice girl making twiglet. we actually "met" through our IF blogs. she lives in LA and was here in nyc for a couple days on business. I was terribly depressing company. all gloom and doom. I don't think she'll call back for a second date. this has been my state ever since my negative home pg test on monday. the recent cramping is all too familiar. god! I was so optimitic last week! it felt good to be positive for a change. b and I had a concrete reason (2 of them) to have hope to expect our very own miracle - EDD, my mother's birthday. the universe is terribly cruel. this fucking sucks!
my beta is in 2 days. there really is no need to go. driving 40 miles for the inevitable bad news is just adding insult to injury. the spotting has gone from what one can expect in the 2ww to something more substantial. when I spoke to b tonight I couldn't even tell him. he has been so happy these days. what's even worse than hearing the IVF didn't work is telling b the bad news. I feel like a failure on so many levels. what the fuck went wrong?
I think I am going to puke.
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our 7 lb 4 oz miracle born 27aug08
1998 - 1 nov 2007
an open and honest struggle with infertility (x2) and IVF (x4) with ICSI plus random thoughts on dogs, cancer, ppd, cloth diapers, plagiocephaly, having a bi-racial child, being an older mom, life back in fab new york city, and learning how to be positive.
virginia
our 7 lb 4 oz miracle born 27aug08
our BFP
lulu
chilli
1998 - 1 nov 2007
in a nutshell
we are infertility poster children.
my dx - AMA with high FSH, DOR and no fallopian tubes.
poor responder to stims.
b's dx - low count and low motility.
very challenged swimmers.
tubal surgery and 4 attempts at IVF
all in 1 year.
my dx - AMA with high FSH, DOR and no fallopian tubes.
poor responder to stims.
b's dx - low count and low motility.
very challenged swimmers.
tubal surgery and 4 attempts at IVF
all in 1 year.
A loved one is not gone
until they are forgotten.
And to live in the hearts
of those left behind
is to live forever.
until they are forgotten.
And to live in the hearts
of those left behind
is to live forever.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
- Leonard Cohen
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
- Leonard Cohen
"the problem with infertility is
that I am mourning children
that do not exist
and I'm the only one
who misses them."
that I am mourning children
that do not exist
and I'm the only one
who misses them."
my peeps
expecting lil' peeps
with lil' peeps in tow
IVF history
IVF #1 - cancelled at ER - too few follies
IVF #2 - 2 embies transfered. bfn
IVF #3 - cancelled at ER - too few follies
IVF #4 - 3 embies transfered. BFP! 21 dec 07
IVF #2 - 2 embies transfered. bfn
IVF #3 - cancelled at ER - too few follies
IVF #4 - 3 embies transfered. BFP! 21 dec 07
email me
pfwnyc@gmail.com
baby stuff
other assorted links
4 comments:
I'm so sorry about all of this. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I can understand how with invitro, there's so much more to hold on to (life implanted in you).
I wish I could give you a hug :-(
oh sweetie! It took me 10 years to get to New York but if I get back soon I will definitely look you up for a second date! If you are ever in LA, let me know.
IF sucks, everything about it sucks. If you couldn't be in a negative state then what good is meeting another IF sister? I enjoyed meeting you and am still hoping for a bfp for you. I'm so sorry if there are AF signs, I can only imagine your pain and stress. I wish I could give you another hug and a shoulder to cry on.
I'm so sorry.. I'll keep hoping for a miracle..
Fuck infertility.
I'm so sorry.
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