13 June 2007

infertile blind date

we had breakfast after my 7 am b/w. she is a really nice girl making twiglet. we actually "met" through our IF blogs. she lives in LA and was here in nyc for a couple days on business. I was terribly depressing company. all gloom and doom. I don't think she'll call back for a second date. this has been my state ever since my negative home pg test on monday. the recent cramping is all too familiar. god! I was so optimitic last week! it felt good to be positive for a change. b and I had a concrete reason (2 of them) to have hope to expect our very own miracle - EDD, my mother's birthday. the universe is terribly cruel. this fucking sucks!

my beta is in 2 days. there really is no need to go. driving 40 miles for the inevitable bad news is just adding insult to injury. the spotting has gone from what one can expect in the 2ww to something more substantial. when I spoke to b tonight I couldn't even tell him. he has been so happy these days. what's even worse than hearing the IVF didn't work is telling b the bad news. I feel like a failure on so many levels. what the fuck went wrong?

I think I am going to puke.

4 comments:

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry about all of this. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I can understand how with invitro, there's so much more to hold on to (life implanted in you).

I wish I could give you a hug :-(

Diana said...

oh sweetie! It took me 10 years to get to New York but if I get back soon I will definitely look you up for a second date! If you are ever in LA, let me know.

IF sucks, everything about it sucks. If you couldn't be in a negative state then what good is meeting another IF sister? I enjoyed meeting you and am still hoping for a bfp for you. I'm so sorry if there are AF signs, I can only imagine your pain and stress. I wish I could give you another hug and a shoulder to cry on.

Trish said...

I'm so sorry.. I'll keep hoping for a miracle..
Fuck infertility.

In and Out of Luck said...

I'm so sorry.