postponed and/or canceled

I've been away for a few days. nothing like traveling with a zippity quick macbook pro laptop and no power cord. my virtual life and all its connections were just an outlet away. I was so denied.

cd2 b/w and u/s revealed some bad news. a cyst. a 20mm cyst. it's producing a ton of estrogen and my levels are too high to proceed. IVF # 3 (or is it 2.5) is postponed and/or canceled. I am so upset. I was instructed to take 2 more weeks of bcps and then drag my ass back in for more tests. up at 4 am to take the 1 hour 45 minute "express" train to nyc. I am not taking this news very well. the constant stumbling blocks are really taking a toll on me. my state of mind. my will to move forward with all of this. it's just becoming too hard - this "tiptoe" living. I'm emotionally exhausted. I try my hardest not to to be and I am rather skilled now at fooling people. the cracks however, are beginning to show.

it just took me 20 minutes to unearth some tylenol. my head is throbbing. the pressure only gets worse when I glance over at the giant bag of IVF meds that I picked up earlier today (along with a $25 parking ticket.) maybe after some good quality sleep (sans pug gas AND with the added luxury of air conditioning) I will feel stronger and less... cracked.

"we're living large tonight b! the ac is going ON!"

move = $$,$$$

the money we have spent since the move to a cheaper part of the world is ridiculous. it hurts actually. I feel physical pain.

yale's healthplan is crap. super crap! even with an "employee discount," we only get $1,000 a year towards IVF. come on. that's insulting. I would be less offended if they offered nothing. we have no choice but to stick with cobra and dish out $1,000 a month. delaying our upcoming cycle because of the stressful condo purchase/renovation/move was pretty indulgent. so selfish of me.

I now have connecticut plates and I hate them! my car insurance went up an additional $1,000 a year. fuck! I spent 4 hours (8:15 - 12:15) at the always pleasant dmv yesterday. I went in with an expired license and a temporary one that was good for 2 more days. my current car inspection had inspired and I have a new, and pretty damn cumbersome, hyphenated married name. if I didn't get a valid license that day I would have had to take a written and driving test. no way man.

after the silly VIN inspection, I waited 15 minutes in line just to be told I needed my license first. "go to room 5." I filled out all my paperwork and got in yet another line. 45 minutes later jerky behind the desk told me a copy of my marriage license was not acceptable for my hyphenated name change. "use my maiden name then. I really don't care at this point." but the piece of mail I brought had a hyphen. either way I had to go back home and get the proper documentation - mail sans hyphen or the marriage license. dmv bastards.

after rummaging like a banshee through box after box I found the license. I drove back to the dmv totally pissed. jerky in room 5 gave me a pass to go to the head of the line when I returned. nice, I thought. when I did that I pissed off an entire room. jerky said "wait here a momment" and he proceeded to go ON A BREAK! 20 minutes later someone else replaced him. NOW I am really mad. on hour later (after eye exam and hideous photo session) I had my new valid drivers license. I felt like I looked in my photo. beat up. defeated. 1000 years old.

then the drama with the plates and registration. back to room 1. I cut in line AGAIN to get a numbered ticket to wait in yet another line. 25 people in front of me! and no book or magazine! dammit! "number 285." the bully was wickedly rude right off the bat. (dmv employees clearly hate their jobs.) after going through all my papers she denied me new plates. "your name on your insurance doesn't match your license. so sorry." ohhhh. the hyphenation pain!

"it IS my name! plus a little something extra!" give me a break! I was desperate at this point. the bully "sensed my unhappiness" and reluctantly gave me a fax number. I was instructed to call the dopes at the insurance company and have then fax over a the proper name adjusted document. 15 minutes later the fax arrived but had the wrong state on it. COME ON!!!! the bully was irritated as well by now and proceeded to lecture me on driving with inaccurate paperwork. piss off. just give me my stupid plates.

4 hours and $292 later, I am a legal (and very poor) connecticut resident. I hate it here. lessons learned? stay where you are. I'll say it again. moving sucks. and...

"first name maiden name" does NOT equal "first name maiden name - surname." with marriage you become an entirely different person.

baby name rant

I have been biting my tongue for a very long time on this particular subject. this post is long overdue.

super trendy baby names. bleck.

what ever happened to meaningful names? tradition? family names passed down from generation to generation. I keep hearing about these "so 2007" names and made up, distorted, ridiculous spellings - it's incredibly annoying. absurd actually.

"jewelz" "jozlyn" "katen" "breeley" "graycyn" "quade" what the hell? JEWELZ?! are you kidding me? don't do it! you'll regret it. think mullet haircuts and gouchos. there was a time when they were both acceptable. they were even considered cool.

I can speak from experience. I was given a extremely unusual and rare (some might say odd) name when I entered this world. a name that has tortured me on and off my entire life. I've been made fun of, laughed at and questioned "so really. what is your birth name?" piss off.

my point is, please be minful when choosing your child's name and its spelling. he/she has to live with it foorreevveerr. and forever is a very long time to be stuck in a groovy trend.

stuff

no more. I've reached my limit with personal belongings. NO MORE THINGS!

I was born into a family of hardcore shoppers. I remember the days of being very small and sitting and waiting on the steps of the original filene's basement in downtown boston. "meet me back here in 2 hours. here's money for a hotdog." my mom would say. off she went to spend (while saving) money. saks and barneys for less. many bargains to behold.

I cannot escape it. shopping is in my blood. high FSH is in my blood. I cannot rid myself of that either. shit.

I have a small and growing collection of generous wedding/birthday giftcards. no joke. target. villeroy and boch. 2 separate macy's cards. pottery barn. tj maxx. a consumer's dream come true - all that plastic! and no aprs or late fees! these are fantastic and very much appreciated gifts don't get me wrong. we just really need to be very selective and conscious of our purchases. no more shoes! ( I cannot believe I am saying that.) we will be packing boxes and moving yet again after b's fellowship ends. 2 - 3 years from now. gross.

moving changes your perspective on stuff. packing puts you in touch with every single item you own. do I really require all these candle holders, rolls of wrapping paper or black turtlenecks? this past month I realized b and I have everything we could possibly need or want in our life. however, there is just one thing blatantly (and painfully) missing. a child of our own.

home improvement 1-2-3

paint kitchen. hate the sheen. repaint kitchen.

paint bathroom. hate the color. repaint bathroom.

we spackled, primed and painted so much yesterday that our feet literally hurt. our feet!

moving sucks. I just really, REALLY want to feel settled once again. I wake up every morning feeling pretty good. then... I look around our bedroom. gross. boxes everywhere. crap stacked upon more crap. I'm good at that. I collect crap then I store it.

it feels awesome to be working again. my new project is fantastic and I'm diggin' it. it's pretty damn creative and interesting. but when one is working one is not unpacking or painting or repainting. the money will be good though - we sooooo need it. IVF stims start in less than 2 weeks. b's first paycheck as a fellow came on friday and it is considerably smaller than what we are used to. nothing like working harder and having more responsibility and making less. american express is really loving me right now. as we slip deeper into infertility dept all I have to show for it is an overflowing sharps container, 2 leftover cartridges of follistim and an empty uterus.

finally!

a male infertile that blogs. it's "refreshing." it's sad (of course.) it's a totally different point of view. it's about time.

check out this particular and very touching post. welcome to the vortex of doom...

thank you frank!

a "fresh" start

huh?

I met with my new "infertility" acupuncturist. oh man. he is a far cry from angela. I asked around (the 3 people I've met) and his name kept coming up as being the best (or maybe the ONLY) acupuncturist in town. he did say he had a few IVF patients from the yale clinic. after some more detailed discussions, a few turned into 1 - ONE! as far as I know this patient is undergoing acupuncture for sciatica relief.

"do you every experience bouts of anger?"

"it's funny you should ask that." the pug is torturing me. since the move he has yet to find any spots worthy of his pee and poop. what a dope. he constantly lifts his leg and then decides he'd rather move on to find a better, more desirable tree to pee on. he loves to relieve himself at the dog park though. he pooped there 3 times yesterday! so now he won't go in the morning or at night and just holds it until the 5 pm dog park walk. he holds it!!!! if we are lucky I'll get a tablespoon out of him. dopey.

this morning the heat and humidity were painful. the pug had consumed a lot of water last night and I knew he had to go. the frenchie (panting heavily after 30 seconds outside) was "empty" in a matter of moments. "good girl pookie." the pug, as always, dragged the three of us up and down the streets of new haven (in the scorching sun mind you) searching for "the spot." the elusive spot. it was so friggin' hot I could feel the sweat literally running down the back of my legs. poor lulu was struggling to breath and had to be carried. I carried her! and the pug - sniff, sniff, sniff, snort, sniff - NOTHING!

oh...... I experienced a bout of anger. I wanted to kill him (well not really.) and it cannot be healthy for his kidneys waiting every 24 hours to pee. but what do you do? I tried rewarding him with treats but he is a pug. if he knows I have food all he does is walk 3 steps, stare at me, walk 3 steps, stare...

"pee dammit! just pee for crying out loud! this majestic oak tree is perfect! that beautiful birch tree is an awesome spot! these hosta plants couldn't be better! peeeeee please!"

it was nice while it lasted

b's fellowship has kicked in. those 2 weeks post residency that he wasn't working were such a luxury. now I am all alone left to unpack and organize, deal with cranky contractor/plummer/electrician, and tend to all the other assorted challenging home owner responsibilities. we were initially told he could take call from home. well that was a blatant lie. even post-call b doesn't get home until late the next day. I cannot possibly paint this entire place, hang curtains and go through IVF #3 without his assistance. he better be up front and honest with his attendings straight away before the days of ER and ET arrive. they'll be here before you know it. "so sorry. no cardiac surgery for you! I need to have my eggs retrieved!"

we had dinner the other night with a fellow resident from westchester. he is also now technically a fellow. so I guess we had dinner with a fellow fellow. I was all excited for a new and instant friend - his wife. the anesthesiologist had recently moved up here as well. they brought their 15 month old daughter (very cute and sweet) to dinner AND they mentioned in passing that they were pregnant. no ordinary pregnancy. an unplanned pregnancy - a mistake goddammit! the wife didn't even know how far along she was. based on her stats I informed her she was probably due the second week in march. she looked at me like I was totally nutty. how could I possibly know that? I just suffered through a failed IVF missy. oh, I know these things.

I cannot be friends with a pregnant lady right now. especially one who doesn't want to be pregnant. our friendship was certainly short and sweet. at least my meal was yummy.

where's the "welcome" casserole?

the neighbors so far kinda suck. our contractor/plummer/electrician was hoping to access the troubled pipes through kind neighbor 16's apartment. we discovered their bathroom is renovated with the exception of our shared shower wall. "so let let guy in please!" nope. kind neighbor 16 literally hung up on our contractor/plummer/electrician. HUNG UP!

with the move I brought 7 containers filled with assorted plants and flowers. they are the talk of the new hood so I hear. the "condo president" was so impressed that he asked if I could possibly plant the giant empty planter in front of our units. fine. I have nothing better to do, right? I went to home depot, yet again, and spent $50 on whatever was on sale. while up to my elbows in dirt, peatmoss and perlite our fellow condo owners walked right by with no acknowledgment of what I was doing. one lady was clearly annoyed by the dogs which were tied to our front door. Come ON! a simple "hey, that looks nice." or " thanks for taking care of that eyesore." nada!

neighbor 22 was so bold as to ask b how much we spent on our unit. what? I figure the next time I run into her I will ask her what her salary is after taxes. she saw b come home from work wearing scrubs and proceeded to follow him and ask for medical advice. now THAT has got to stop. we are not operating a free clinic here. the doctor is NOT in!

the rest of the neighbors continue to stop, stare and linger right in front of our windows. it's very creepy. when will the novelty of being "new" wear off?

blog title change

I am totally exhausted and my back hurts like bloody hell.

my $200 le klint hanging lamp was totally crushed in the move (thanks to b's brilliant packing skills. thank god he has other talents.) our "new" shower is leaking into the neighbor's renovated bathroom. yikes! an emergency plummer is needed. at this point we need to go through the ceiling in order to address the disaster. THEN b literally put his foot through the neighbor's floor (ultimately the kitchen ceiling) while discussing the leaking "new" shower. AND I cannot seem to make any headway in the unpacking. I am constantly having to clean up stinky pug vomit. chilli insists on puking repeatedly on his bed, on our couch, and in random spots (under our bed and on the stairs) throughout the apartment.

a change in my blog description is a must. I no longer knit.

a not so private struggle with infertility (x2) and other random thoughts on home ownership and dogs