beta updates and Happy New Year!

saturday (done behind "new Re dr d's" back - so sneaky) 833
monday (today) 1529

we're doubling people! (or close to it.) we are far from being "out of the woods" but I'm feeling a little more joy and and little less terrified. VERY little less.

I spoke with a nurse about the low numbers. "are you at all concerned?" I asked. voice and hands shaking. a giant piece of toblerone in my mouth.

"no. not at all. no more b/w for you. we'll see you on thursday for an u/s."

"new RE dr d " will be back from holiday by then. FINALLY I can speak with my doctor instead of getting all my information from google MD and nurse yahoo.

no fun

I'm sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. I've been in beta hell. I am still there actually and it sucks bad.

thanks everyone for the kind words, congrats and well wishes posted here and privately through email. you guys are the best!

beta hell journey started over the holidays. I waited 6 loooong days for beta #2 and it was torture. it was ridiculously hard to enjoy christmas knowing my 1st beta was low and I had to wait (forever) for the next blood draw. well, it came back yesterday (20dpo) at a sluggish 424. the IVF nurse is concerned but not overly concerned. what does that mean exactly? she wishes it was in the 500 range. she said to come into the city for b/w on saturday -- no more OOT labs. crap! 2 more days of waiting. an hour later she called back "come in on monday. I forgot. we are closed this weekend." are you kidding me?! 4 MORE days of living in this terrible limbo. it's just not right!

I have spent every waking moment scouring every possible beta hcg website I could google. I've read every post on every beta message board... twice. I did every doubling calculator I stumbled upon. they've been pretty consistent. they've been consistently discouraging.

doubling time = 2.27 days (or 54 hours)
daily rate increase 36%
2 day rate increase 84 %
total increase 524%

I don't know what to make of these numbers really. I just know at 20dpo the number should be much higher.

what's really painful is that I was only able to enjoy a much anticipated BFP for about 5 minutes. I'm trying, with all my might, to stay on a positive track -- consciously optimistic, and it's INCREDIBLY HARD dammit it!

I beg you! please, PLEASE stay little one! I promise to make it worth your while!

11dp3dt

drum roll please...




beta number 1...




68!




cornell called and said "congratulations! you're pregnant!" it's official!!!!! I'm PREGNANT!!!!! (can I say that out loud now?)

talk about a christmas miracle!

10dp3dt

2 LINES! 2 LINES! never in my life have I seen 2 such glorious lines!!!!! FRER, I love you! dr davis and cornell, I love you more!

beta tomorrow.

6dp3dt

I can't stand this torture of waiting, especially now. it's christmas! I have a ton to do, a big job going on AND I am consciously trying to take it easy. but maybe all this laying low is a waste of energy (or lack of.) do I sit tight and hope for the best or say fuck it and plow forward and live my life as usual -- as a "normal" person. I don't feel very optimistic about this cycle anyway. how could I with what we experienced on transfer day? that's 2 freak car accidents in 1 month. don't forget the death of my little chilli. AND the financial stresses of all of this are really hitting hard. b has been in a state -- a total funk -- and it's making me weary. I need his support, not his depressed mood swings. yes, this IVF has been particularly rough since day one. cd 1. but this cycle, in actuality, has been going on for a year now and I'm TIRED. tired of it all! the struggles and disappointments. this constant holding of my breath... and waiting.

dr suess

for the last 3 days I have witnessed and suffered through a terrible crime. the rundown and neglected apartment complex next door made the selfish decision to chop down all these beautiful, majestic and perfectly healthy trees. a total massacre.

the fatso super was in his glory. this is a man that for hours on end would use one of those obnoxious leaf blowers. the noise was so loud I couldn't speak with my clients in my office. he would blow the leaves CONSTANTLY but never pick them up. that's brilliant.

his solution was to simply destroy and chop up the problem. his lazy ass can now get fatter because the land is barren. one tree in particular was full of active bird feeders. it was also shelter for a very sweet feral cat that called the tree "home."

in this day and age with the destruction of our environment this egocentric act was completely irresponsible. yes, the trees lived on his property and he can do what he pleases. but these healthy trees helped everyone's air quality, not just his own. his raking and aimlessly blowing days are over now. the leaves that are so spectacular each fall here in new england are history. the same leaves that helped the air his own children (I guess this means he's fertile) happen to breath. here's another shining example of this "me, me, me" mentality that is so prevalent now. this type of thinking makes me insane!

I find that people seem to react only when something effects them personally. the big picture is not their concern. I continue to find large amounts of cardboard, plastic bottles, glass and cans in the dumpster. when we finally reach a crisis situation then maybe my neighbors will consider recycling. until then, the issues destroying our earth -- their children's future -- are "not their problem."

"I am the lorax. I speak for the trees.
I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues."

bedrest

short and sweet. it's very difficult typing with one hand and flat on my back. we (actually dr s - I love him) transfered 3 embryos yesterday.

"they're a good group! they look real nice!"

this happened post 5 car accident in front of the hospital. yes, my car was one of the innocent victims, AGAIN! slammed front and back by 2 giant suvs. fucking idiotic driver. what's wrong with you?

"you better have fucking good insurance." and I walked into the hospital for my IVF transfer, trying desperately to be calm and hoping we had a way to get home.

ER

it was a very, VERY long day. there were 15 of us on the ER schedule. 15 of us plus husbands/partners and a few scattered parental bodies -- and about 20 chairs. I went in with 4 strong follicles with 2-3 that had potential. dr c assured me the 2-3 would be part of the ER. well, dr g just went for the 4 and "called it a day." 4 follicles = 4 eggs.

the whole experience was considerably rougher this time. coming out of anesthesia was much slower and the cramping and bloating was pretty intense. for whatever reason I didn't have those issues last retrieval. b and I had some comforting hot soup before heading back to new haven. before the nightmare began. what took us 1 hour and 15 minutes at 5 am took us 5 1/2 almost 6 hours mid afternoon (in holiday/rush hour traffic with about 17 snowflakes.) 5-10 miles an hour on the merritt parkway the ENTIRE trip. no tylenol. I felt like crap. I wanted to beat the hell out of b just because I was so frustrated, uncomfortable and annoyed. poor b, don't take it personally. I longed to be resting flat on my back in bed.

all 4 eggs were mature. all fertilized with ICSI. 24 hours later we have 3 embryos hopefully dividing and thriving in my own fluids (thank you coculture!) ET is 2:45 monday. I have acupuncture scheduled for pre and post transfer. these little ones need all the help they can get.

cd 14 - trigger time

"ooooh. your lining is beautiful! perfect." dr c said today.

"that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all week."

we've got 2 nice follicles on the right and 2 really nice (and 3 kinda nice) on the left. there is still time for a little growth to happen. I've never had such enthusiasm over my ovaries. my tired, old, and uncooperative ovaries. HCG tonight at 1:35 am.

ER is scheduled for friday. fingers crossed!

cd 12

2 (possibly 3) follicles on my left. 2 on my right. this sucks BAD because I had 5 (possibly 6) just yesterday. sorry for the lack of posts and/or comments. I am just not feeling well at all this cycle. b woke up at 4 am with me yesterday and got to experience the joy and excitement of my sunrise monitoring journey. he looked exhausted by mid afternoon (we got home at 1 pm) even though my appointment lasted only 1 hour -- he had it easy. we were in bed (don't laugh) by 8:30. how pathetic are we?! "new RE dr d" did my monitoring this morning. I practically squealed with joy when I saw him in the hallway. I haven't seen him this entire cycle but I know he's there, behind the curtain, making all the important decisions and calling the shots. oh yes, I blame him for my very bruised, bloated, and raw belly. I was told there was "a method to his madness." we can only hope.

"it's a go." were the last words he said to me as he left the examination room, all festive in his christmas tie. he smiled, and was gone.

ER is scheduled for thursday, maybe friday. come on little follies! there's time to catch up!