22 weeks

and she has a face! (a very tired, pale, puffy, and sooo sickly one.) so why am I posting this unflattering shot?! I am pretty ill at the moment. I have a terrible sore throat and a hideous, relentless cough. I wake up at night in fits of coughing and I cannot catch my breath. I told b I think it's time I stop smoking (... joke.) this then brings on serious round ligament pain. ohhhhh. it's awful. "would you kindly remove this dagger from my abdomen? pretty please?!"

little one had his/her fetal echo on friday. my ob explained that IVF babies are more prone to heart defects. yet ANOTHER thing to worry about! the u/s was pretty great though! we saw little one all wiggly active -- post peanut butter on whole wheat. at one point we saw him/her actually sucking on his/her toes. super cute. and then the hiccups. adorable. it was surreal to see the movements on the screen AND feel them at the same time. then the cooperation stopped. "flip over little one, please move! we need more shots." the tech had great difficulty finding specific details of the heart so I had to repeatedly bring my feet up on the examination table and slam my ass up and down a half dozen times. now that was scary. did you all feel the tremors around 3 pm? yep. that was me.

so tubby here is passing down the weight gain baton to little one. he or she is a plump 1 lb 1 oz! wow! at this point he/she should be 12-13 oz. uh oh. I have no plans on delivery some sort of 10 lb baby. NOT going to happen. 7 lbs or 10 lbs, little one has a beautiful heart. his cardio thoracic surgeon father could not be any prouder.

2nd official baby product purchase

little one's mother is from maine. tiny leather lobster shoes are a must!

maybe now it's time to focus on more significant items such as car seats, strollers, cribs, monitors, diaper genies, breast pumps... not as much fun.

call me tubby! I'M HUGE!

21w3d. yikes! I've got fat feet!

something happened during this past week. not only did I really "pop" I'm expanding universally -- every possible direction (except in hair growth.) long golden locks will continue to be an unattainable fantasy. I was away for a few days up at my sister's. we did a lot of shopping (summer mat clothes and misc gear for little one) and every mirror that I passed was even more shocking than the one before. I have almost completely grown out of round 1 maternity wear AND I have 18 more weeks to go. oh my. super tight does not = a super good look.

b was out in the midwest (yes, he woke up to the earthquake) at a 3 day cardio thoracic fellows meeting (good times no doubt.) when I saw him on sunday he asked if my sisters had noticed a big change in... "my girth." nice. my child bearing hips are in full swing now (and then some.)

little one has been very active since the 20w milestone. I felt him/her kick from the outside for the very first time while in bed on saturday night. this was crazy exciting! (and I have to admit, a little odd too.) then last night while sitting and chatting on the couch b felt his son or daughter for the first time as well. he got to experience a nice big kick (or was it a punch? -- non aggressive I hope) talk about an amazing "welcome home dad!"

IF and friendship - part 1

there was an interesting conversation on an IF message board recently. a woman talked about how she had to remove and "protect herself" from certain friendships while going through treatments. there were many women that responded that they had done the exact same thing. I agree. I found myself avoiding a few friends with small children and turning down invites to birthday parties and baby showers. I simply couldn't handle IVF(s) with its uncertainty AND a room full of toddlers or talk of babies. high doses of follistim and fisher-price do NOT mix.

I have one friend in particular that I really avoided. she and I have known one another for years. we are good friends. we are not great friends. she is unfortunately one of those people that seems "happy" when you're down. know what I mean? I usually kept her at arm's length and that was fine. it worked.

until she got pregnant. pregnant with a child she never wanted.

historically we would drink wine and bitch about our challenged relationships with guys in nyc. they're a tough lot. we'd drink more and fantasize about our futures. we both desired roughly the same things... except children. she was adamant about keeping her lifestyle "as is." traveling was in her blood and motherhood was not appealing. she actually felt guilty for not wanting a family but she was firm in her "child-free" beliefs. that's fine with me. no judgments whatsoever. she liked kids but just didn't want any of her own. I, on the other hand, was hoping for at least 2. that was my plan (...little did I know.) the last time we talked about this was on my back porch in late summer 2006. it was a gorgeous evening. I recall it perfectly.

I got a phone call last year right after I had my HSG. right before my tubes were scheduled to be chopped off and thrown in the garbage. "hi p! guess what? I'm 3 months pregnant!" oh god.

she caught me WAYYYYY off guard. "are you ok with this?"
"I'm thrilled."
"really? what about... what about..?"
"oh, I've ALWAYS wanted a child. it happened that weekend we were upstate. first try!"

my heart sank. not because she was pregnant (maybe just a little) but because she lied to me. just be honest. it's ok to change your mind but please don't lie straight to my face. what the hell was she thinking? deep down she and I both know this child of hers was not part of her "agenda" or what she hoped for. now she was saying that she always wanted this. did she forget who she was talking to? fuck that.

I said congratulations. I guess it was heartfelt. at least semi heartfelt. I was confused. after a bit of thinking I emailed her saying I was happy for her but why the blatant dishonesty with me? did she think I was stupid? she stuck to her made up story about always wanting to be a mother and this was a dream come true. "first try!" I explained I was gearing up for surgery and needed a little time to absorb all this. I'd be in touch when I was ready.

well surgery lead to IVF 1. then IVF 2. then IVF 3. then IVF 4 -- a year chock full of hormonal extremes and constant disappointments. I sent her a baby gift around the time when she was due. we emailed generic news on occasion. until now...

to be continued.

weekend recap

first of all, little one is squirming around BIG TIME! I love it! he/she is especially active when I snack or drink anything sweet. that's when I feel all the little "bubbles" and "thumps" in my belly. b is convinced it's gas. he can be such a buzz kill at times.

I started knitting a teeny tiny sweater for when we leave the hospital. it's knit out of bamboo, if you can believe it, and it's remarkably soft. who would have thought? I'll buy 2 sets of buttons (pink and blue) and sew those on after little one makes an appearance. little sweaters knit quickly and are instant gratification. it will be so damn cute!

prenatal yoga was quite good this week. did I really say that? I actually enjoyed it I think. maybe not so much on sunday -- I was pretty sore. but it was a good sore. the poses are still very awkward though when sporting a belly. my stretching partner is 39 weeks and was experiencing weird pains. please, PLEASE do not let your water break while I'm supporting you in this pose.

I purchased my first official baby product (thanks baby twiglet!) now only 119 more items to go!


b and I finally agreed on a crib and changing table. I love this bedding as well (if little one should happen to be a he.)



and... I'm half way there! 20 weeks!!!

deep breaths

I'm sorry for the lack of posts and blog reading this past week. work has kicked into high gear again and our miss lulu has been playing the role of diarrhea vomit dog. our little monkey has been VERY sick. this brought back SERIOUS and terribly sad flashbacks to chilli's chemo treatments. so between constant spot cleaning of rugs and bedding, ob and vet appointments, needy and design illiterate clients, I've been overwhelmed.

my dr's appointment went great on tuesday. man, I love that practice! I met with a new ob who could not have been any nicer. we spent most of the time chatting (of course after the important stuff -- listening to little one's beautiful heartbeat.) I'm now a whopping 151 lbs! this explains why I cannot even fit into my drawstring pajamas! my comfy clothes are no longer... comfy.

dr h went on and on about how he/they treat their IVF patients with extra special care. music to my ears! he dabbled in IVF years ago so he is very familiar with what he calls "an assault." "yes your pregnancy is the same physiologically as any other pregnant woman's. BUT it is a completely different experience emotionally and psychologically. we recognize this." again, I love these guys!

eventually we got to the topics of childbirth classes, labor, pain management, pediatricians... so soon? I have spent so much time, money and energy getting this child into me and the thought never really occurred that he/she has to come out. I'm not ready for this discussion! he made it quite clear that the "good" classes fill up early and that I best be registering soon. the class is 7 weeks long so "start making some phone calls when you get home." today? (((gulp)))

this is all happening so quickly! I'm getting that panicky feeling.

ommmmm

so I FINALLY made it to my first prenatal yoga class early saturday morning (conflicting with my much anticipated and cherished time to sleep in.) just because pregnant women are not out until the wee hours drinkin' and livin' it up doesn't mean we're awake at the crack of dawn. grrrrr.

I figured I'd be one of just a few students. man, was I wrong! the class was packed with all sorts of assorted shapes and sizes! there are a lot of pregnant women in new haven! where are they hiding during regular hours? we had to introduce ourselves, say how far along we are and talk about any pains/complaints.

"hi. my name is "p" and I am 19 weeks. no matter how hard I try, I cannot sleep on my side at night. I'm very grumpy." ooooh! my yogamates loved that! there was a lot of agreement and of nodding heads. good answer.

back in the day I used to practice yoga in nyc. I got pretty good at it (headstands and all) for someone NOT so very flexible. I would would leave class with the most amazing posture and a shitload of energy. I felt great. my fond memories made me excited to take this prenatal class. I longed to feel that good again.

this class was slightly different. it was HARD! and SWEATY! I had no sense of balance and my muscles could not have been any tighter. put it this way, I had great difficulty shaving my legs earlier that morning. I simply cannot bend over never mind all those elaborate stretches. it sucked. I'm tall and you have further to go than those who are "closer to the ground." at times I got a little light headed. the teacher told us to go into the child's pose to relax when your body is feeling stressed. well, that child's pose is no picnic either. is class over yet? one crazy stretch we had to partner up with someone. of course I got the woman who was coughing away with a terrible cold -- just what I wanted and needed. AND she complained about the constant gas she was having. nice. I declined (very gently) to continue. "thanks but no thanks."

I made it through class and with just 1 pee. woohoo! all that bending and pressure on my bladder -- good lord. the whole experience was nothing like I recall. moving around and pretending to exercise is pretty awkward now with a protruding belly. I actually felt like I was doing more damage than good. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. THEN I heard my name. it was b's attending's (boss's) very pregnant wife calling me. we had met at that infamous party where I blacked out and puked. remember? I was just coming off of a failed IVF cycle and all that toddler talk pushed me over the edge (and into more wine.) "oh, hi." (think back. who is she? who is she? who is she?!) she was kind enough to REintroduce herself. "yes, yes! nice to see you... again." I think.

I made it home. I was exhausted, shaky and completely out of sorts. my posture sucked. I slept for 3 hours straight and still felt like crap.

I'm so looking forward to doing this again next week.

ommm shanti peace, peace, peace.

this is good stuff

it's what a lot of us infertiles have been thinking. well said a little pregnant!

"they" just called

the news came days early.

the waiting has been sickening.

the amnio results are in.

I was visibly shaking.

little one's chromosomes are perfect!

all the other tests (no recollection) were within normal range.

I cannot stop crying.

any thoughts?

any other ideas?

18w4d belly pic

clearly not taken professionally but you get the idea. I apologize for the decapitation. bad hair day.

please note: butt and boobs are considerably larger than pre-pregnancy. objects may appear smaller in photo.

and still no flutters or bubbles or "goldfish sensations." I'm so bummed.