how is it possible?

to be so happy and yet so sad.

3 little letters. PPD.

yep. postpartum depression. it's hard to utter those words. it's no good.

I remember my very first acupuncture session, post surgery in early 2007. I was gearing up for IVF #1. A and I spent almost 3 hours together chatting away. we obviously discussed my health, my diet, my lifestyle. but we talked a lot about my relationship with b and what I wanted from my life. it was almost more therapy than needles and new age instrumentals. so what did I want in my life? a baby with b. a baby we'd name virginia.

I got exactly what I wished for and I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed. granted it was a draining and emotional rollercoaster for almost 2 years and we've exhausted our savings, but my glorious dream came true. a dream that required total dedication on so many levels and almost 400 injections. but she is so worth it and I wouldn't change a thing.

so what's the deal? why am I not on cloud 9? but I am! that's what's so tragic. I am over the moon thrilled don't get me wrong. but it's this sadness that constantly creeps into my daily routine. the tears at a drop of a hat. the fear. the irrational fears that are paralyzing at times. like I said, it's no good.

the irrational thoughts are... quite frankly, irrational. do I dare confess? I have moments when I get overwhelmed and panicky at the thought of driving on route 95. I'm afraid I'm going to get sick. cancer runs rampant in my family and I fear it's only a matter of time. the thought of putting ginny through what I went through with my mother's illness terrifies me. the thought of leaving her terrifies me even more. I get teary constantly. tears sometimes for no obvious or logical reason. I've said this before, it is so much easier to be sad and unhappy. it's when you feel good and at peace, that's when shit happens. my life at the moment is about waiting for the other shoe to drop. that's a horrible way to exist. I'm conscious of this and we're working on it.

so I'm back on my meds. the same drugs I took when this whole IF fiasco started. the same meds that I took after my mom passed away when I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. we're pretty confident that they'll make a difference with PPD -- something that I've been denying and battling now for a few months. I hope to be feeling better, more "even keeled," very soon. it's an amazing time right now with ginny who's growing like a little weed. we are having so many firsts these days. I refuse to look back on this time and recall a lot of gloom. fuck that. it's time to rid myself of unhealthy thoughts and feeling scared. it's time to thoroughly enjoy my dream.

there. I said it.