it stays with you.

it's who I am, I'm afraid.

pregnancy after infertility. some of my cycle buddies are pg again or are gearing up for a FET or more clomid or another IUI or IVF. ouch. some are even pg from a break cycle. ouch, OUCH!

I know, I know, I know, I KNOW! I'm being a greedy, selfish, horrible person. I KNOW! but I cannot deny that pang of (do I dare say it?) jealousy. it's incredibly real. it hits you hard and deep in your belly (or empty uterus.) you'd think after "conquering" infertility (if only temporarily) one would be at peace. no such luck.

I had the pleasure of experiencing it the other day "in real life." I was at a neighbor's home (she has a 9 month old) and she had 2 friends visiting with their tiny ones. the small talk immediately turned to having a second baby. ugh. I sat there and smiled. my stomach in knots. please don't ask me. please don't ask me.

"so p, will you and b be starting again soon for another?"
these women have NOOOOO idea. I mumble quietly to myself, "don't go there."

"don't you think ginny would like to have a little sister or brother?"
stupid question. for the first time ever, I'm speechless. the reality is, I have plenty to say, but...

"as soon as I stop BFing we'll start trying. we would love to have 3! maybe 4!"
I listened to this while feeding ginny FORMULA from a plastic bottle. god, I clearly suck as a parent. infertile AND incapable of BFing. loooooser! maybe this is why I've subconsciously avoided these playdates. they make you feel like shit.

I listened to the talk of stopping BCPs and minivans needed to cart the brood around town in. I sat there, tuning them out, and simply enjoyed watching ginny. she was content and clearly digging all the new and unfamiliar toys. this child of mine is the joy and love of my life. this little miracle that amazes me every single morning when I wake up and see her giggling and smiling away at "momma." it kills me. I don't take this for granted for a single second. I am blessed beyond words.

I'm happy for my fellow infertiles that are onto child number 2. I wish you/them nothing but good luck and success. genuine good luck and success. but it's still there. it will always be there. that pang.

little miss giggles

and look at those curls!

"secret recipe"

so after countless emails asking about my last protocol I am finally posting the formula for our success. grandma's secret recipe. maybe not.

IVF #4
first of all, I believe we went to the best RE out there (in the world maybe) for a high FSH/AMA/DOR/crappy eggs/poor responder dx. yes, this is my simple opinion but many people (with proper medical training) feel the same as I do. dr davis at cornell is a genius! his wait list is very long but he is so worth it. after being "fired" from my first RE, "new RE dr d" was the only one who gave me a morsel of hope. remember, we are talking 1% chance here. my FSH was 16 point something going into IVF #3.

before I completely assaulted my body with hardcore hormones I did a little fine tuning to my diet. my acupuncturist who specializes in IF had me commit to changes that were necessary for my particular dx. I did a lot of research on my own as well.
- no wheat (I ate lots of brown rice and spelt toast with almond butter.)
- no caffeine (I had 1 cup of organic decaf a day.)
- reduce sugar intake dramatically
- no alcohol (not going to lie. I did have the occasional glass of wine here and there. and here and there...)
- no soy (very bad for fertility)

I included
- TONS of protein for egg quality issues (whey shakes, eggs, almonds, fish)
- lots and lots of organic fruit and dark green veggies (kale, spinach, broccoli...)
- fresh (almost daily) 1 oz nasty wheatgrass shot (powdered or pill form is not as effective.)
- omega 3's
- co-q10
- DHEA (75 mg for at least 3 months) really only recommended for AMA
- l'arginine
- pnvs
- folic acid
- specific herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist

b reluctantly included
- folic acid
- zinc
- maca
- fertilaid supplements
- omega 3's
while whining "the pills are too big and hard to swallow."
(insert :::slap, slap, SLAP:::)

co-culture! brilliant! I truly believe this was the "magic bullet" for our bfp. cornell is known for this procedure. it's not for everyone and does come with a high price tag. I'm talkin' HUGE! they literally do a cervical scraping (oh, and it hurts!) and then freeze your cells. it's awesome for those with repeat "questionable" embryo quality. it allows the embies to grow and develop in your own "fluids." makes sense to me.

for round 4 I was put on EPP/MDL (estrogen priming/microdose lupron -- a VERRRRY long protocol.) I was injecting 525 IU follistim and 75 menopur -- 5 shots a day total!

at ER I had 4 total (and decent) follies going in. we were incredibly disappointed. dr g retrieved 4 mature eggs which were all fertilized with ICSI. at my 3dt we had 3 embies that were ready for transfer (NOT implantation!) hoping at least 1 would indeed implant and stick around for 9 months. I did acupuncture immediately before and right after ET. I spent 1 day in bed and ate fresh pineapple core for a week. each day I listened to guided imagery by belleruth naparstek (goofy, I know, but the woman has a serious calming effect.) I was so convinced the cycle was a bust that I took major walks with the dog every afternoon during the 2ww to keep from going insane. but... there it was. 8dp3dt. that teeny tiny hint of a line that literally, only I could see. was it for real? I kept it a secret although I did share the news with lulu. she's good like that. 10dp3dt (day before beta) I did officially POAS. 2 lines! an image strong enough for all to see. what a glorious sight! one of the most fantastic, shocking, brings tears to your eyes, magical, overwhelming, takes your breath away, unbelievable, amazing moments of my life. (I think I left out magnificent.)

thanks uncle mike!

for taking such fab photos. you're the best!

first trip to nyc

it went beautifully! ginny was such a trooper and she did incredibly well. we're so proud of her.

unfortunately we missed out on seeing my buddy john and his band at joes' pub -- sold out! good for him, bad for us. supposedly he is a real rock star with the toddler set. I cannot wait for ginny to get old enough to take music lessons from him.

brunch was great (although very $$) and it was awesome to see everyone. we are REALLY looking forward to moving back. I cannot wait!


















here is ginny with her pal mika (born 1 week before our little one.)

















and here is uncle mike. ginny was diggin' him (and the bamboo tree.)

the little girl has been set free!

(if only temporarily.) we go back for more photos and measuring to determine if head band #2 is necessary. terrible thought, I know.

projectile! volume 2

"I'm rundown and at the end of my rope here."

my turn. 24 hours straight of raging vomit and diarrhea (not so pretty when one continues to have post-partum incontinence issues.) 3 pairs of pjs, 3 showers and one bathmat later I figured it out. sit on toilet and puke into wastebasket (sorry to be so graphic.)

it came fast and furious. like when you're at the beach on a beautiful day and all of a sudden a few clouds appear. then in an instant it begins to pour heavily. the wind picks up and you gather all your crap and sprint to the car. you're soaked. "where the hell did THAT come from?" at 4 pm on saturday this is exactly what happened in my belly. one minute I'm "fine" (rundown but fine) the next, every bone in my body felt broken and I couldn't get warm. the puking was not too far behind. I got slammed. big time!

see what happens when you try to do everything? now back to bed. email client, get hydrated, sleeeeep.

it's about time!

for a "real" layout. I'm working on it...