24 March 2009

it stays with you.

it's who I am, I'm afraid.

pregnancy after infertility. some of my cycle buddies are pg again or are gearing up for a FET or more clomid or another IUI or IVF. ouch. some are even pg from a break cycle. ouch, OUCH!

I know, I know, I know, I KNOW! I'm being a greedy, selfish, horrible person. I KNOW! but I cannot deny that pang of (do I dare say it?) jealousy. it's incredibly real. it hits you hard and deep in your belly (or empty uterus.) you'd think after "conquering" infertility (if only temporarily) one would be at peace. no such luck.

I had the pleasure of experiencing it the other day "in real life." I was at a neighbor's home (she has a 9 month old) and she had 2 friends visiting with their tiny ones. the small talk immediately turned to having a second baby. ugh. I sat there and smiled. my stomach in knots. please don't ask me. please don't ask me.

"so p, will you and b be starting again soon for another?"
these women have NOOOOO idea. I mumble quietly to myself, "don't go there."

"don't you think ginny would like to have a little sister or brother?"
stupid question. for the first time ever, I'm speechless. the reality is, I have plenty to say, but...

"as soon as I stop BFing we'll start trying. we would love to have 3! maybe 4!"
I listened to this while feeding ginny FORMULA from a plastic bottle. god, I clearly suck as a parent. infertile AND incapable of BFing. loooooser! maybe this is why I've subconsciously avoided these playdates. they make you feel like shit.

I listened to the talk of stopping BCPs and minivans needed to cart the brood around town in. I sat there, tuning them out, and simply enjoyed watching ginny. she was content and clearly digging all the new and unfamiliar toys. this child of mine is the joy and love of my life. this little miracle that amazes me every single morning when I wake up and see her giggling and smiling away at "momma." it kills me. I don't take this for granted for a single second. I am blessed beyond words.

I'm happy for my fellow infertiles that are onto child number 2. I wish you/them nothing but good luck and success. genuine good luck and success. but it's still there. it will always be there. that pang.

9 comments:

IVF 40+ said...

i hear ya! Our neighbors have 2 kids and another one on the way, the other neighbors have 1 kid and they all play in hallway. I have to walk through the screaming brood to get to the elevator nearly everyday. It makes me want to scream! Hey, good luck to them and us!
EB

Fertilized said...

OH YOU are not at this party alone. I know. I think this is why I have SUCH a hard time finding my way at the playdates. They discuss ttc for kid#3-6 and I sit there wondering what it is like to actually say "My husbnad and I want another baby in 12 months so I stopped bcp now" ...

DAVs said...

I still suffer terrible jealousy when one of my IFers who has struggled with me crosses the line. I feel so left behind. I feel like I've cycled with everyone, and almost everyone has succeeded. I imagine I would still feel that way even if I did succeed once, and then wanted another.
Infertility, the gift the keeps on giving.

Anniep said...

*UGH*... 'nuff said.

Trish said...

Amen.

I have my "IF BFF" who got pregnant 10w before I got pregnant with Robbie (and of course, had her daughter 4w after Robbie was born) and she's already had her initial consult with "our" RE to TTC #2.

We'd love to have 2, but right now I'm still working on getting Robbie somewhere close to "normal" and then there's that whole pesky "we both almost died" thing.. and the fact that he wasn't exactly born of a drunken romp in the backseat.. and well..

The pang.

Orodemniades said...

hells yeah.
Also, how much do I love the new logo?

Diana said...

Oh yes, I hear you on this one. I have regular old fertile friends that are pg with #2 and that makes me jealous. Very jealous. I don't even want another baby right now but I still am jealous, what's up with that?

Mrs.McJeep said...

I have the same pangs you do..and some days I feel like it's silly because I have 2 beautiful boys...but I would like another. We are all entitled to these days/periods.

Portia P said...

Snap.

I'm right there with you. I feel sooooooo lucky to have pulled it off minutes before I hit 40. To expect another miracle baby now is just not realistic but I can't help yearning to do it all again....