29 May 2010

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it's pretty remarkable how your life can change so dramatically in a split second. I remember hearing my first and only positive beta and in that instant everything became completely different. at 2:10 pm you're not pregnant and then at 2:11 pm you hear from the IVF nurse. viola! your life will never be the same. god, I remember that moment like it was yesterday. how it is possible ginny will be 2 years old in a few short months? geez...

well, I'm having another one of those moments. kind of. sort of. what was initially a routine mammogram had turned into additional mammograms and 2 u/s. talk about your life changing in an instant. I've spent 2 afternoons now being repeatedly poked and prodded, scanned and rescanned. you realize something just isn't quite right when you see women coming and going and the nurse keeps telling you "please go sit and wait. and keep your gown on!" this can't be good.

so after 2 hours at my second visit I was finally able to speak with the doctor. he showed me some images that he wasn't happy with. I have 2 masses -- one in each boob. the right one being more "worrisome"(?) plus both sides have lots of pesky calcifications that will require a mammogram every 6 months for the rest of my life. oh joy. the radiologist explained they could be "nothing" or... "something." he actually had a lot to say but I clearly didn't understand the english language at that point. it's very difficult to retain any information right after having 2 "suspicious" moles cut from your leg. (yes, I had 2 doctors appointments in 1 day.) stupid planning on my part but that's what you do when you have a toddler.

so next week I have the dreaded biopsy scheduled. typically I would not think much of this procedure but things are very different now. my concern, my fear is not even about me. it's all about ginny. I can't even explain exactly what that means. I have a lot of illness in my family so I go from feeling very confident to completely terrified at the drop of a hat. the uncertainty of both tests is very unsettling -- the most bizarre and surreal 2ww ever! I am no doubt the only infertile out there begging and hoping for a BFN.

9 comments:

Aunt Becky said...

Oh noes. Saying my prayers for you. This is terrifying news and I'm sitting remotely, holding your hand.

Orodemniades said...

Good grief - I hope it's just nothing and that you've just got lumpy boobs. No matter what happens, I'll be here, reading and supporting as best I can.

Our Little Bonbon said...

Sending lots of love, hugs and prayers your way. ♥

Trish said...

oh sweetie. :(
I was lucky that my one lump was nothing (fatty cyst) when they took it out, but it was still terrifying. and I never heard "worrisome."
Praying for you guys..

Betty M said...

Very scary news for you but hoping it all turns out ok.

Diana said...

Glad to see you aare blogging again but very unhappy with the subject matter. I hope your future tests reveal this as nothing. My prayers are with you.

lastchanceivf said...

Sending only positive thoughts and prayers your way.

Sue said...

So sorry - that's scary. I'm hoping for a BFN right along with you.

squarepeg said...

Thinking of you, P - this sucks donkey balls.