07 September 2007

my life

as a poor responder. more distressing news. all those promising follicles that we saw a few days ago are no longer. where did they go? I am now back to 2 (maybeee 3) on my left ovary and 1 on my right. goddammit! what the hell?! my 8 3/4 month pregnant RE said "I'm sorry." she's sorry?!

I blame the 3 months of bcps. "don't over-suppress the poor responder!" I tried with all my might to not completely fall apart in the middle of rush hour in grand central. the lump in my throat actually hurt. all I wanted to do was collapse and sob on the #6 train platform. do we continue with this cycle? the reality is this whole IVF thing is probably just a fantasy. an indulgent, exhaust the savings, challenge the marriage, risk major depression, full-on fantasy.

the realization of possibly never getting pregnant in my lifetime hit very, VERY hard. it's an "awareness" that you want to have when you are safe at home with family not running to catch the commuter train to new haven. this is it. for real. if the IVF is not a success it's an entirely new challenge that I am not prepared for. this morning when I woke at 4:00 I sincerely had hope. I believed I had multiple follicles filled with potential. it's b's birthday and I was banking on having fantastic news to celebrate. we could use some good news in this house.

happy birthday b! and I'm sorry.

6 comments:

Fertilize Me said...

wow- I'm tired of the bad news yo have been receiving - infact im mad as hell about it. i am very sorry you are having to go throught this AND while waiting for the subway in all of hte publics eyes. I am very sorry

Frank N. Beans said...

Uggh. Sorry for the bad news. Hang in there!

Diana said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. Did your doctor suggest cancelling? Could it change? If they disappeared, can they come back? I want to have hope for you!!!!

lady in waiting said...

I'm so sorry about your missing follies! Why is it that things go wrong just when we are finally starting to have some hope and get excited about them? Anyway, I wish you the best and I completely get it about mourning the kids that don't exist. This morning I woke up and my first 2 thoughts were:
"I can't believe I'm not pregnant" and "What if I never have a baby?"
IF sucks!

Trish said...

argh!
I'm sorry. What are they saying? Upping meds? Try again?
Still rooting for you..

Rachel said...

I'm sorry, too. I know that feeling all too well. Not responding well, and you feel responsible. I wish I had some assvice to give, but I'm afraid I don't. This whole thing just sucks. Good luck.