as a poor responder. more distressing news. all those promising follicles that we saw a few days ago are no longer. where did they go? I am now back to 2 (maybeee 3) on my left ovary and 1 on my right. goddammit! what the hell?! my 8 3/4 month pregnant RE said "I'm sorry." she's sorry?!
I blame the 3 months of bcps. "don't over-suppress the poor responder!" I tried with all my might to not completely fall apart in the middle of rush hour in grand central. the lump in my throat actually hurt. all I wanted to do was collapse and sob on the #6 train platform. do we continue with this cycle? the reality is this whole IVF thing is probably just a fantasy. an indulgent, exhaust the savings, challenge the marriage, risk major depression, full-on fantasy.
the realization of possibly never getting pregnant in my lifetime hit very, VERY hard. it's an "awareness" that you want to have when you are safe at home with family not running to catch the commuter train to new haven. this is it. for real. if the IVF is not a success it's an entirely new challenge that I am not prepared for. this morning when I woke at 4:00 I sincerely had hope. I believed I had multiple follicles filled with potential. it's b's birthday and I was banking on having fantastic news to celebrate. we could use some good news in this house.
happy birthday b! and I'm sorry.