as a poor responder. more distressing news. all those promising follicles that we saw a few days ago are no longer. where did they go? I am now back to 2 (maybeee 3) on my left ovary and 1 on my right. goddammit! what the hell?! my 8 3/4 month pregnant RE said "I'm sorry." she's sorry?!
I blame the 3 months of bcps. "don't over-suppress the poor responder!" I tried with all my might to not completely fall apart in the middle of rush hour in grand central. the lump in my throat actually hurt. all I wanted to do was collapse and sob on the #6 train platform. do we continue with this cycle? the reality is this whole IVF thing is probably just a fantasy. an indulgent, exhaust the savings, challenge the marriage, risk major depression, full-on fantasy.
the realization of possibly never getting pregnant in my lifetime hit very, VERY hard. it's an "awareness" that you want to have when you are safe at home with family not running to catch the commuter train to new haven. this is it. for real. if the IVF is not a success it's an entirely new challenge that I am not prepared for. this morning when I woke at 4:00 I sincerely had hope. I believed I had multiple follicles filled with potential. it's b's birthday and I was banking on having fantastic news to celebrate. we could use some good news in this house.
happy birthday b! and I'm sorry.
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our 7 lb 4 oz miracle born 27aug08
1998 - 1 nov 2007
an open and honest struggle with infertility (x2) and IVF (x4) with ICSI plus random thoughts on dogs, cancer, ppd, cloth diapers, plagiocephaly, having a bi-racial child, being an older mom, life back in fab new york city, and learning how to be positive.
virginia
our 7 lb 4 oz miracle born 27aug08
our BFP
lulu
chilli
1998 - 1 nov 2007
in a nutshell
we are infertility poster children.
my dx - AMA with high FSH, DOR and no fallopian tubes.
poor responder to stims.
b's dx - low count and low motility.
very challenged swimmers.
tubal surgery and 4 attempts at IVF
all in 1 year.
my dx - AMA with high FSH, DOR and no fallopian tubes.
poor responder to stims.
b's dx - low count and low motility.
very challenged swimmers.
tubal surgery and 4 attempts at IVF
all in 1 year.
A loved one is not gone
until they are forgotten.
And to live in the hearts
of those left behind
is to live forever.
until they are forgotten.
And to live in the hearts
of those left behind
is to live forever.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
- Leonard Cohen
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
- Leonard Cohen
"the problem with infertility is
that I am mourning children
that do not exist
and I'm the only one
who misses them."
that I am mourning children
that do not exist
and I'm the only one
who misses them."
my peeps
expecting lil' peeps
with lil' peeps in tow
IVF history
IVF #1 - cancelled at ER - too few follies
IVF #2 - 2 embies transfered. bfn
IVF #3 - cancelled at ER - too few follies
IVF #4 - 3 embies transfered. BFP! 21 dec 07
IVF #2 - 2 embies transfered. bfn
IVF #3 - cancelled at ER - too few follies
IVF #4 - 3 embies transfered. BFP! 21 dec 07
email me
pfwnyc@gmail.com
baby stuff
other assorted links
6 comments:
wow- I'm tired of the bad news yo have been receiving - infact im mad as hell about it. i am very sorry you are having to go throught this AND while waiting for the subway in all of hte publics eyes. I am very sorry
Uggh. Sorry for the bad news. Hang in there!
Oh honey, I am so sorry. Did your doctor suggest cancelling? Could it change? If they disappeared, can they come back? I want to have hope for you!!!!
I'm so sorry about your missing follies! Why is it that things go wrong just when we are finally starting to have some hope and get excited about them? Anyway, I wish you the best and I completely get it about mourning the kids that don't exist. This morning I woke up and my first 2 thoughts were:
"I can't believe I'm not pregnant" and "What if I never have a baby?"
IF sucks!
argh!
I'm sorry. What are they saying? Upping meds? Try again?
Still rooting for you..
I'm sorry, too. I know that feeling all too well. Not responding well, and you feel responsible. I wish I had some assvice to give, but I'm afraid I don't. This whole thing just sucks. Good luck.
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