dinner party meltdown

blech.

it was a very important gathering. I was meeting for the first time, b's chairman, his attendings and the fellow fellows (and all their wives.) our host (the chairman) will be operating on my nephew this winter. it was crucial that I "appear" charming and be extra polite. it was necessary to come across as happy, a pleasure to be around, and loving our new city. I had to make a good impression.

I felt "a little off" even before the party. none of my clothes fit! all my pants felt and looked like leggings. skin tight! all I needed was a polyester muumuu. I looked like shit (even though I was wearing the special eyeshadow.)

of course we got completely lost and arrived late. it was dark (I have no sense of direction once the sun sets.) when we finally got there everyone was joyously snacking on shrimp, laughing and drinking a festive pink cocktail. tequila I think.

the other fellows actually brought their young kids. they were beautiful. we all know the fellows make no money, but come on! collect your pennies people and hire a babysitter! please! for the sake of the infertiles!

"are your kids at home?" asks the perky wife with the super plunging neckline.
"no. we don't have any children."
"how do you like new haven?"
"ummm. it's ok. yeah, it's fine. but where we are located it is a little difficult to meet people. I really don't know anyone. yet."
"it's a shame you don't have kids. I have met so many great and interesting women through my daughter's play groups."

"POW!"

that's when it hit me. twice. 1- I don't, and may never have kids. 2- I'm missing what is necessary for me to meet great and interesting people (in this crappy town that everyone said I would love.) although I have met one great and interesting person on my own. square peg -- a fellow infertile. I like her very much but... she's MOVING away!

the uncontrollable tears came out of the blue and FAST. I excused myself and quickly got to the bathroom. I'm soooo hoping nobody noticed the official start of a genuine meltdown.

the evening was lovely. for everyone else. the food was outstanding and all the guests were incredibly nice. after dinner "the wives" and I sat in the kitchen and drank new zealand sauvignon blanc and chatted. unfortunately, 90% of the conversation was about day-care, sippy cups, and potty training. go figure. I had nothing to add. the wine was numbing. it felt good not to feel. I didn't feel infertile. I didn't feel like I had a dog at home dying of cancer(s.) I didn't feel all alone in a town full of college students. I didn't feel like I had a husband that is always taking care of someone else and is never home.

I felt nothing until I got home. and threw up.