18 december

I was sitting in the exact same spot as I am now. same chair. same desk. different client.
it was the same day. different year (2007.)
same tragic hairstyle. different weight (ohhhh. to be that weight again.)

it was sunny out. cold but pleasant.

I don't know what possessed me to do it. I was only 8dp3dt. I had family coming the next day. my beta was in 2 days. like they say, "ignorance is bliss."

but I had a whole stash left over. so I did it.

poas.

it was a cheap internet test. but there it was! an ever-so-subtle hint of the infamous second line. it was soooooo faint but I saw something. I felt like throwing up. those tests were crazy inexpensive so how trustworthy were they? was this some cruel evaporation line?

I couldn't take my eyes off it. was my brain playing tricks on me? I stared at it for hours. I'd put it down for a minute then pick it back up. I used natural light. I used the lights in the kitchen. I went to the front door (east light). I went to the back door (west light.)

I saw our UPS guy come down the driveway. I was moments away from asking him if he could see the second line. but I was too scared to hear his response. no doubt he would think I was insane. I didn't want him to ruin my moment. let me have this glorious time. it was nice (and so awkward) to feel hopeful.

I emailed a fellow T TTC buddy. she demanded that I test again. so off to walgreens I went. a million miles an hour. I got home and peed on the very popular and supposedly accurate FRER. I was shaking. I waited. and waited. and waited. and there it was...

ERROR

fuck. I was crushed. I decided to keep this little secret to myself. my sister and nephew would be arriving in the morning and I didn't want to be upset and depressed. I decided to wait until the negative beta and then have my official devastated breakdown.

18 december 2007. history was about to be made.