the good. the bad. the ugly.

the good - all moles and masses are benign. must see the dermatologist every 6 months due to "atypical" results. must have mammogram every 6 months due to calcifications that need to be monitored. good grief.

the bad - tumor and tissue in right boob must come out. it's rare, fast growing and could become malignant if left alone. I'll have surgery next month. the radiologist explained to me that a biopsy alone cannot reveal everything and they are not always correct. good grief.

the ugly - my boob. still all yellow and bruised and I had yet another "growth" removed on the right side after seeing the dermatologist for a follow-up (she wanted more testing done after hearing about the biopsy.) I've been poked and prodded far too many times for my liking. I HATE surgery and I HATE packing to move (for the 6th time.) aside from beautiful ginny, life is pretty ugly right now.

tick tock

now we sit and wait a little more.

"it's going to sound like a cavity being filled. hold still."

"now it's going to feel like a staple gun. don't move."

all the bizarre sounds and sensations of a biopsy.

after carefully studying last weeks films, dr B concluded that the lump/mass on my left side is just a cyst. hurray! but he also saw "something new" on my right side. crap. so we're still at testing 2 tissue samples. no fun.

each site required a different testing method. one mass is more questionable than the other so extra tissue was needed. after all the "stapling" and "drilling" I have 2 clips (markers) that will forever be a part of me. "don't worry. you won't be setting off any alarms or anything." dr B tells me. that crazy thought never even entered my tired little head. geez.

after 90 minutes of needles and more friggin' mammograms, b and I grabbed a quick breakfast and went home and napped (he was coming off the night shift.) I woke up to a throbbing black and blue boob (the numbing agent had clearly worn off.) so now we carry on like life is normal and hope for the best. lulu still needs to be walked 3 times a day and clients still have deadlines to meet. at this point there's no time or reason to miss a beat. (((gulp.)))

(and mole results come back next thursday.)

untitled

it's pretty remarkable how your life can change so dramatically in a split second. I remember hearing my first and only positive beta and in that instant everything became completely different. at 2:10 pm you're not pregnant and then at 2:11 pm you hear from the IVF nurse. viola! your life will never be the same. god, I remember that moment like it was yesterday. how it is possible ginny will be 2 years old in a few short months? geez...

well, I'm having another one of those moments. kind of. sort of. what was initially a routine mammogram had turned into additional mammograms and 2 u/s. talk about your life changing in an instant. I've spent 2 afternoons now being repeatedly poked and prodded, scanned and rescanned. you realize something just isn't quite right when you see women coming and going and the nurse keeps telling you "please go sit and wait. and keep your gown on!" this can't be good.

so after 2 hours at my second visit I was finally able to speak with the doctor. he showed me some images that he wasn't happy with. I have 2 masses -- one in each boob. the right one being more "worrisome"(?) plus both sides have lots of pesky calcifications that will require a mammogram every 6 months for the rest of my life. oh joy. the radiologist explained they could be "nothing" or... "something." he actually had a lot to say but I clearly didn't understand the english language at that point. it's very difficult to retain any information right after having 2 "suspicious" moles cut from your leg. (yes, I had 2 doctors appointments in 1 day.) stupid planning on my part but that's what you do when you have a toddler.

so next week I have the dreaded biopsy scheduled. typically I would not think much of this procedure but things are very different now. my concern, my fear is not even about me. it's all about ginny. I can't even explain exactly what that means. I have a lot of illness in my family so I go from feeling very confident to completely terrified at the drop of a hat. the uncertainty of both tests is very unsettling -- the most bizarre and surreal 2ww ever! I am no doubt the only infertile out there begging and hoping for a BFN.

yep...

our journey continues and it's a whole new adventure in building our family.

:)

old friends

it's so strange. the infertile world. I have met SOOOO many amazing, strong and lovely women through my IF journey. I look back during my 4 cycles and I recall dozens of positive and supportive relationships -- some IRL and many through blogs and message boards. I felt very close to those I cycled with. we cheered each other on. we grieved together. we celebrated together.

I go back now and again to check in on "my peeps" and sadly many of them have moved on and abandoned their blogs. but some are pregnant again, doing FET, or adopting and a few actually have 2 children. imagine that?! from lack of posts it's obvious keeping up with my blog has been put on the back burner these days. toddlers require a lot more attention so when I'm not working my time is all about ginny. it's difficult to update as much as I would like to.

I'm feeling sad though. when I click on a link of a past cycle buddy and the blog is no longer it hurts a little. you go from knowing very intimate details about a fellow IVFers and then she's gone. just as the IVF experience is a huge part of who I am my fellow infertiles are important to me too. so ladies if you're out there, know that there is a special place in my heart for you guys. and for those still in the middle of ttc, although from afar, I'm still cheering you on with all my might. you are all indeed an important part of a excruciating yet wonderful chapter in my life.

hard stuff.

this parenting business. some days I have to admit I don't think I'm cut for this (meaning I'm forever clueless and occasionally feel out of control.) I can't imagine how my mom did it with 4 kids. FOUR! in ginny's first 18 months I believe I've aged a good many years.

I'm looking and feeling a decade older since last wednesday. a typical and simple morning breakfast turned into complete chaos and panic. ginny was wearing some crapass pjs (a gift from SIL -- I should have known better.) and the feet were twice the proper size. while running across the floor with 2 toys in her hands she took a pretty big fall. she tripped on the pjs and landed flat on her face. there were some tears but after a few boo boo kisses and hugs all was "well" again. until we started to play with the ball...

she giggled in pure delight. then the HORROR! I immediately felt faint. I wanted to vomit. I started to cry. ginny's smile revealed 2 broken (not chipped) teeth! I thought I was dreaming. this couldn't be real. her two front teeth, perfect and pearly white, were no longer as I remember them. her sweet, sweet smile forever changed.

after a few nasty messages to the pedi's useless nursing line (they never call back) we raced off to the pedi dentist as an emergency. I hadn't even brushed my own teeth yet.
"that's a pretty bad break." nice dentist tells me.
"blah blah blah blah blah blah..." that's all I remember.

later on, b spoke with nice dentist to get more "specific" details. because the nerves are so close to being exposed we will have the teeth "rebuilt" in 2 weeks. the bonding will protect what she has left. fortunately, the x-ray showed no visible damage to the adult teeth. thank god!

poor poor ginny (and poor mama.) this parenting business... hard stuff.

oy.

:::deep breath:::
lots and lots and lots going on.
I have been sick. as. a. dog! I went to the ob/gyn this week to talk about my (ahem) prolapse issue (bladder not uterine) and she said "oh honey! you reeeeeally need to be on an antibiotic." this was music to my ears. all I have been hearing from b is "ride it out." 2 weeks of raging coughing fits 24 hours a day (with a possible cracked rib) -- I'm so done riding it out! this trip is OVER! even after just a couple of pills I'm feeling remarkably better. but of course I had to pass my germs on to ginny. usually it's the other way around. ginny gets a head cold and I get slammed with potential pneumonia. or ginny pukes twice and I am bedridden for a week with extreme vomiting and diarrhea. ahhh, the joys of parenting. parenting when you are completely and totally and utterly run down.

so I have been going through all the motions of life like everything is "normal," fine, and groovy. I have 2 major jobs happening simultaneously (NOT easy) while doing all that is house, dog (still peeing inside) and child. b is working hard and when he is home he's looking hard for a job. in other words, he's not "available." and now I have the added bonus of a case of man flu. yesterday he woke up with a slight cough. he called in sick and spent the entire day in bed. ummmmm. what's wrong with this picture?! oy.

my twin

we first met when I moved back to the city. c-town grocery store. early afternoon. navigating through the narrow and crowded aisles with a stroller is no easy task. WIDE LOAD. we kept running into each other -- literally. then we saw one another at the corner bodega. she bought some beautiful roses. I bought some cheap-ass mums.
"nice to see you... again. I'm now off to starbucks."
"me too!"
"you're daughter is beautiful."
"thanks!" I recognized The Stare. the wheels turning in her head. I then have to explain.
"my husband is korean."
"mine TOO!"
her little boy was sound asleep but once I got a better look at him, oh yeah... blondie didn't look at all like her son. we both had little asian babies in our strollers.
we got our coffees and chatted. she lived 2 blocks away from me.
"we moved back to new york because of b's super-fellowship at hospital."
"my husband is a physician TOO!"
"ginny is our miracle baby." I went into my long-winded and much rehearsed speech on IF and IVF.
"I went to cornell TOO!"
of course you DID! you're my twin!

j has since left our fair city. she actually moved to where I just moved from. we've stayed in touch and she always calls for a play date when back in the city. my twin. I miss her so, but no doubt our paths will cross again.

speech therapy - chapter 1

good grief. (my new 'b approved' swear that I can use around ginny.) the saga begins. it was a cold and windy day on the upper east side...

after numerous phone calls, wrong numbers, unreturned messages, and a HUGE dose of frustration, I finally made contact with a human. go figure. there's nobody to talk to about your child's lack of speech.

I live in manhattan. new york city. EI (early intervention services) are paid for by the city. FINALLY my tax dollars at work. they hardly plow my street when it snows but it's their mission to have my child speaking in no time. hopefully. once I got through all the referral bullshit I met with our coordinator. and she came to me -- MY home! I scanned a list of 93 contracted evaluators and randomly chose one. seriously. how can one tell the difference between First.Step and City.Pro Group and Metro.Therapy and Right.Start Inc? close your eyes, point and hope for the best.

and then it happened. the question we've all been dreading. "so... what is ginny?" white? asian? what do you think? hmmmmm. we left that particular box blank. good fucking grief. so after even more questions, additional paperwork and 283 signatures we are all set for our official evaluation. hopefully, next week.

happy new year!