12 March 2007

I have had it with all this shit. I am spent. we had been waiting for b's second SA results now for days. I emailed my RE this morning asking about the new numbers and some additional pre IVF testing. I got a response WITH attitude AND b's numbers are worse than before. now I am really worried about his health. I cannot tell b the bad news or be honest about my feelings. his private hell at work is complete torture and very much ILLEGAL. his chairman gets off on humiliating and abusing the fifth year chief residents. "piss off dr s. you suck you big bully!"

I am unable take this anymore. the odds of a successful IVF for our situation are ridiculous. I am not by nature a gambler and the stakes now are way too high. I'm tired of preparing for the inevitable and realistic (most likely negative) pregnancy test. this whole process is too risky on so many levels. I'm tired of getting the "pre-collection" letters in the mail for unpaid medical bills for things not covered. I'm tired of pretending that life is normal. how can you when every single day I am reminded that this is our reality? it comes in the form of a call from the RE's billing department. or the insurance company rings me up needing pre-approval. my fertility acupuncturist's office leaves a voicemail confirming an appointment. by the way, may I suggest you not share your space with pediatricians? I am tired of fucking brown rice. I am tired of the constant anxiety and frequent insomnia. I have put all my energy into being positive, educated and hopeful. who am I fooling? it would be less painful and traumatic to throw 17K into the hudson river. better yet, I would feel much happier, at ease and productive if I took those funds and gave them to the aspca, cancer research or peta. now that's money well spent with a guaranteed positive output.

2 comments:

Diana said...

I am so sorry you are going through this IF hell and yes it is hell. That's it, no stupid words of useless advice, just an "I understand" comment.

becoming-home said...

Dr. K sent you an email with attitude? Im starting not to like him!!