in an instant

I have been thinking a lot about that torturous mammogram today. I overheard the tech use the word "mass" when she was chatting with someone in the next room. she might have been talking about church for all I know and I refuse to jump to conclusions. after her conversation she came out and asked me when I last saw my doctor for an exam. "october I believe." and she was gone again.

I think most people would say "why do you ask? did you see something?" I didn't say a thing. I was thinking about how I was going to prepare the kale, swiss chard and organic brown rice I was having for dinner. first of all, a tech cannot tell you much of anything anyway regardless if she sees something questionable or not. second, I had fibroids in college. third, I really don't want to know anything. ignorance is bliss. fourth, most likely she was talking about someone else.

from day one I have gone to each doctor's appointment thinking "everything will be fine. it has to be. b and I are young and healthy." each time it seems we are hit with crappy news. this is probably why I keep ignoring the calls from my dentist. this brings me back to that sunny afternoon a few months ago. the day when the charming radiologist happened to mention in passing that I won't/can't get pregnant and my life changed in an instant -- never to be the same. I was a much happier and pleasant person literally 2 seconds before her comment. I was different. I prefer my life pre-HSG. so let's say there is something suspicious on my x-ray. I really don't care to know. I have enough on my plate right now. my injections are a week away and I need to be in a good frame of mind (if that's even possible) once we begin. bad thoughts and bad news are counter productive.