scattered update

yes, it's been quite some time since my last post. thanks for all the concerned emails. I'm sorry I have no idea of what's going on with my fellow bloggers. or even what's happening in the world.

I'm feeling totally overwhelmed, upset and borderline out of control (on top of, of course, extreme exhaustion that I just cannot shake.) the tension headaches (something new and exciting this 3rd trimester) are a given every night.

m is dying. I've been in maine for a week doing my best to be as helpful and supportive as possible. it's hard work emotionally. he needs round the clock care/monitoring at this point. I had a major meltdown this weekend. lots and lots of tears. this being the third parent we've watch literally suffer and die of cancer, trying to be creative and work on a job, and having to put up with constant "benign(?)" jabs from a certain family member "...there are too many people in this world." "we are so glad we never had kids."

hello. I'm sitting right here. did you happen to notice my big belly? and no, I'm not trying to be difficult when I say I cannot eat swordfish because of the high mercury levels. when you spend over $40,000 on a baby and your ob says ABSOLUTELY NO SWORDFISH, you listen. and you listen hard.
"can you eat brownies?"
piss off.

I lost it.

I came back to charming new haven (my favorite place, wrong!) for a few days to pull myself together and give little one some quality attention and peace. I've been a terrible mother lately because of neglect. b is very concerned because he claims the baby is experiencing everything I am experiencing. the emotions and stress (tripled by pregnancy) are not healthy. he assured me that m would not die during the 2 days I am away. still, leaving was incredibly difficult and I do feel selfish for taking off.

it's quiet here. no calls from annoyed hospice workers. no tension so thick you can cut it with a butter knife. b is in chicago. I slept until 10:30 yesterday and napped on and off throughout the afternoon. it's just lulu, little one and me catching our breath and gearing up for tomorrow's journey back north to maine.