01 June 2008

a stims farewell

like I said before, it still isn't easy. on saturday I had lunch with a fellow infertile that I "met" on an IF message board. after multiple unsuccessful IUIs she is gearing up for her first IVF at cornell. she came to new haven because I had a tiny bit of chilled follistim sitting in my fridge and I offered her some of my leftovers. she has no IF insurance coverage at all and everything is totally OOP. I was more than happy to share and donate to a friend in need.

she is such a nice girl. I feel anxious for her as she prepares to begin this whole process called IVF. like it was yesterday, I remember how it felt -- IVF #1. I was terrified. I was excited. the syringes scared the shit out of me. the unknown was overwhelming. if only IVF came with a guarantee.

just talking with her brought back a lot of memories and emotions for me. god, I could not possibly handle being in that place again. all the traveling, the waiting, the stress, the side effects, the $$$, the isolation. four times was definitely enough for me. I had my fill. packing up the meds that had been such a huge part of my life for a year was almost therapeutic. why had I been holding onto them for so long? security? it was time that we parted. the fact I was helping out someone, a "cycle sista," felt great.

when I got home I had moments when I actually felt pangs of guilt for being one of the lucky ones. I am just so sad for j that she has to go through this. I am sad for all of those who are still shooting up daily and getting ready for the torture of the 2ww. it's not easy. maybe this guilt and sadness, on some level, is part of the reason why pregnancy after IF isn't so easy.

I'll be thinking about j as she ventures into her IVF. I'll also be thinking about all the other women getting ready for or currently going through an ART cycle. from deep in my heart I feel for each and every one of them. the fertile world can be a very cold and lonely place when undergoing treatments. I only wish there was more I could do.

11 comments:

My name is Andy. said...

I'm stopping by from NaComLeaMo.

It's hard to not feel guilty, isn't it?

But I'm sure your friend appreciated seeing you and knowing she has someone to turn to.

DC said...

Thanks for thinking of us infertiles! :) I have a fridge full of meds that I can only hope I'll be able to use (if I ever get to cycle again). If not, I'll be donating them to another IF.

Jendeis said...

What a lovely post. I appreciate your thoughts.

margalit said...

Hi from NaComLeavMo!

My battle with infertility is long over with, but I still feel the same way you do. I want to help anyone I can to navigate the delightful world of ART. It's so hard and although most of my information is out of date, I still remember those shots and the ultrasounds and blood tests.

Kim said...

I feel the same way. The guilt. Wishing there was something, anything that I could do. I donated my meds back the re for someone to else to use. It was a start but I still feel like ther should be something else...NCLM

Nit said...

Awww....you are very sweet. Don't feel bad for leaving the rest of us "infertiles" behind...all things happen in time, right?

I am gearing up for my first IVF & I have to keep myself from getting too excited because I know all too well that the chances of it not working are good.

But, you give me hope. You are a good friend & I'm sure she appreciated it!

DAVs said...

It's nice to you to never forget..it really does mean a lot. I'm gearing up for IVF #4 (all OOP and we're about to go broke!) and I can say that it will be enough. I am scared to death of it because it will be the last, but reading your blog helps get me through. So keep posting! Your light shines bright for the rest of us!

Mama Bear said...

that great that you are passing on the meds to someone else - and it seems that pain is still so fresh - Iknow how that feels even after I have a daughter (through adoption) just reading your post - I could feel that sting ---

Vanessa said...

What a great blog! I hope all is going well with yo and the little one! I'm sure your friend appreciated all you could give her, in both support and from your stash.
...viaNaComLeavMo...

Christi said...

via Nacomleavmo...

your post and thoughts are really lovely. I'm venturing onto IVF #3 and wondering if this is ever going to work.

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