I have a lovely client who is single (divorced) and just this past year suffered an early 2nd trimester m/c. she was thrilled to be pregnant (in her 40's) and had embraced the idea of being a single parent. when I got my bfp I was very hesitant to tell her about little one because I know how much she wants to be a mother. now every conversation I have with her I get sad. I know exactly how she feels and it breaks my heart.
I recognize names still struggling on the message boards. I continue to read a number of IF blogs. my heart aches and I often cry for those still "in the trenches." those all too familiar trenches are really horrible. I called them "home" for quite some time.
I may have a fab diaper bag, a half dozen cute as a button onesies, tiny leather lobster shoes and a groovy crib on the way, but I am still infertile. every time I check in with my "buddies" on IVF connections or TTTC I get all anxious and occasionally feel sick to my stomach. it was not too long ago that I was spending 4 hours a day on a train (1/2 hour on subway, 20 minutes on foot) for a 10 second blood test and a 60 second u/s. those 4 IVF experiences are a HUGE part of who I am. yes, my belly is expanding and visibly moving about with our miracle "test tube baby" but my mind is still very much in menopur mode. follistim will forever be in my blood.
something very strange happened to me this weekend. I found myself crying while standing in line for a simple egg and tomato sandwich at the local deli. I had just left my prenatal yoga class (love it now!) and the weather was gorgeous. I stood there waiting for the roll to toast and the uncontrollable tears just came out of nowhere. then I realized what was going on -- all hormones aside -- and it became pretty clear. these were good tears. for the first time in a VERY long time I was feeling something that had eluded me for months and months. happiness. genuine joy. our IF had stripped me of pleasant thoughts and positive emotions. the challenging first trimester and genetic counseling horror had me living in total fear. but today was different. was this perennial black cloud finally starting to lift? :::smile:::
she never asks about the pregnancy. my client. I don't blame her. I know how terribly "it" hurts. even though I may be feeling... different, maybe even... happy (was that out loud?) it's still hard.