just last week I posted about a strange and foreign feeling I had been experiencing lately -- happiness. I think I am (well, was) actually at peace for the first time in a long while. I even answered a poll on a message board. "why do you feel blessed?"
1 - I can feel little one moving and kicking me as I write this
2 - I have an awesome family and everyone is healthy
3 - MIL lives far away (I couldn't resist.)
well that didn't last long. literally just a few days later I got a phone call from home. it was my stepfather. "hi m, how are you?"
"not so good."
"I have inoperable liver cancer that has most likely has spread from my lungs."
Fuck! just in case that was not loud enough... FUCK!!!
here we go again. this will be my third (yes, THIRD) parent to die of cancer. watching a loved one suffer and slip away from this horrific disease is a terrible, heart wrenching experience. I'm so upset that it's hard to write about it at the moment. sorry.
so here I am now. home up in maine visiting my stepdad (who is down 15 lbs already.) I have RAGING sciatica (excruciating!) and can barely get around myself. it's incredibly frustrating because there is so much I can be doing and I feel completely useless and helpless.
I am not ready to go down this road... again! please tell me. educate me. how does one cope with watching a life slip away while trying grow and prepare for a new life? I'm sick over this.
happiness to helplessness and sadness in a few short days. godammit!