26 May 2008

a different kind of struggle

I'm living in fear... yet again. my stomach tightens and I go into a total panic every time the phone rings. I'm afraid of those terrifying words nobody wants to hear.

leaving maine yesterday hurt terribly. I've made "that" trip soooo many times before -- with my mom. with my dad. you say goodbye to a loved one dying of cancer and you wonder if you will ever see them again. you drive slowly down the driveway with tears streaming down your face. it's a haunting image in the rear view mirror -- a frail, wisp of a person, all teary eyed, watching you leave them.

I drove 60-65 mph in a haze all the way "home." I stopped at every rest area to kill time and get some sciatic relief. I hate new haven. I hate the fact that I have to spend money (that we don't have) on a new alarm system because we live surrounded by constant crime. I am not happy with b. he is terrible support. at this point point I'd much rather be alone than deal with his shitty skills during a crisis. he only gets in the way and frustrates me. I blame his crappy upbringing. I blame his fucking hideous mother the most. I'm afraid the boy is incapable of offering any substantial comfort. I gather in medicine they train you to be all about the facts. keep your distance and do not get involved emotionally. "snap out of it! you're home is NOT part of the hospital ICU! there is so much more to life (our life) than a fucking self absorbed career in surgery. it's not always about you and your arrogant dreams to be the best in robotic cardiac surgery. you have a wife who is hurting and little one (YOUR baby) is due in a few short months. I've said it before. please get your priorities straight. show me the heart doctor actually has a heart of his own." for better or for worse. in sickness and in health.

"and tell your mother to get off her high horse and her close-minded little head out of the bible and send her one and only daughter-in-law a simple $1.25 birthday card! it's time she acknowledged me in a way that is not hurtful or mean."

yes, I'm having a genuinely bad day. I'm upset by all that is going on. pregnancy hormones are not to be blamed.

17 comments:

Diana said...

oh P - hugs to you. I have no words for what you are going through other than I am sorry. I hope b and MIL see the light and shape up. I hope the sunshine starts poking through that dark cloud soon.

alicia said...

I am sorry about your horrible day! I hope b can start supporting you better. And good luck with the MIL, man they can be a pain.

here from NaComLeavMo

Fertilized said...

You are entitled to a bad day! You are dealing with massive traumas all around.

Thinking of you

Kelly D said...

Boy I can relate. There was a time right after we had our twins - thanks to IVF - I was ready to leave my husband. His parents & sister didn't help things either. At one point his father said that I was trying to "take their son away from them." It was ridiculous as I was on the verge of divorcing my husband partly because of them.

I've learned to adjust how I fell about the in-laws and their place in our family. Because of that mindset change we no longer fight about them.

It's not fun. And it sucks when you feel like your DH is not supporting you or sticking up for you. I recommend finding what works and go with it.

Duck said...

NaComLeavMo

Wow sorry to hear about the terrible day, wanted you to know that I don't think that the coldness is just among doctor husbands, mine is sometimes like that too, he does it to protect himself, but it makes it fustrating and hurtful when i'm dealing with all the infertility crap.

Trish said...

Oh sweetie..
I wish I could come beat some sense into b. And maybe just beat your MIL.

Is it your b-day?

I think you're allowed a day (or so) of wallowing. You've got plenty going on. :(

Kim said...

Happy 26 weeks! Hope you have a better day! My mil sends a card but doesn't offer much else...

Heidi said...

I am so sorry that you are having such a rotten day. I hope tomorrow brings some smiles.

Nine said...

Hi- I have lurked for months, but wanted to offer my support. I can't imagine how hard it is losings someone close to you, but I do know what it's like to not have the support you need from your DH. Take care!

Baby Step said...

I found you from NaComLeavMo. I am SO sorry, it sounds like you are going through a rough patch. I am about to start IVF#3 and we have MF and bad eggs to boot, so it gives me hope that you got your BFP after IVF#4 (we have one more chance after this one if it doesn't work). I hope your DH wakes up and his mom sounds horrible, I hope she does acknowledge your birthday in a nice way.

Erin said...

I'm here from NaComLeavMo, and can only offer my sympathies. This must be so terribly difficult for you and all of your loved ones. I hope that B provides some better support for you, because there cannot be a time in your life that you need it more than now.

Kate said...

Here from NCLM. I am sorry that you aren't feeling supported. That is really hard. I hope that he does realize how much you need him.

Aunt Becky said...

My stomach feels the same. Different reasons, same sorts of grief. I hope things start to ease up for us both.

*hugs*

Katt said...

Oh, I don't even know you and I want to give you a big hug.

Pregnancy hormones made everything ten times worse for me. And my husband was less than supportive during my second trimester and a bit past. It sucked, and really rocked our marriage. I'm still not sure I am over it, and baby boy is six months old.

So sorry about your step-dad too!

On a lighter note, I'm here from NCLM. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog. From your intro bit it sounds like we have quite a bit in common.

Jendeis said...

I'm so sorry about your terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Hopefully b will shape up as well as his mother. I sympathize with you, having a poorly-raised DH myself. Hope that things start looking up on a new day.

Jen said...

Here from NCML.

I'm sorry you aren't feeling supported - that is a terrible feeling. One to which I can relate, unfortunately.
I hope things look up for you soon.

Busted said...

Big hugs, sweetie. I'm so sorry you are having such a terrible time right now. Your MIL, as always, sounds like a peach...