I'm living in fear... yet again. my stomach tightens and I go into a total panic every time the phone rings. I'm afraid of those terrifying words nobody wants to hear.
leaving maine yesterday hurt terribly. I've made "that" trip soooo many times before -- with my mom. with my dad. you say goodbye to a loved one dying of cancer and you wonder if you will ever see them again. you drive slowly down the driveway with tears streaming down your face. it's a haunting image in the rear view mirror -- a frail, wisp of a person, all teary eyed, watching you leave them.
I drove 60-65 mph in a haze all the way "home." I stopped at every rest area to kill time and get some sciatic relief. I hate new haven. I hate the fact that I have to spend money (that we don't have) on a new alarm system because we live surrounded by constant crime. I am not happy with b. he is terrible support. at this point point I'd much rather be alone than deal with his shitty skills during a crisis. he only gets in the way and frustrates me. I blame his crappy upbringing. I blame his fucking hideous mother the most. I'm afraid the boy is incapable of offering any substantial comfort. I gather in medicine they train you to be all about the facts. keep your distance and do not get involved emotionally. "snap out of it! you're home is NOT part of the hospital ICU! there is so much more to life (our life) than a fucking self absorbed career in surgery. it's not always about you and your arrogant dreams to be the best in robotic cardiac surgery. you have a wife who is hurting and little one (YOUR baby) is due in a few short months. I've said it before. please get your priorities straight. show me the heart doctor actually has a heart of his own." for better or for worse. in sickness and in health.
"and tell your mother to get off her high horse and her close-minded little head out of the bible and send her one and only daughter-in-law a simple $1.25 birthday card! it's time she acknowledged me in a way that is not hurtful or mean."
yes, I'm having a genuinely bad day. I'm upset by all that is going on. pregnancy hormones are not to be blamed.