the honest truth

I am completely irritated with DH right now. he is currently spending some "quality" time with his mother out in illinois. of course she had to comment (unfavorably) on the huge assortment of vitamins and herbs that b is traveling with. each bottle has its own role in helping produce more and better quality swimmers. there were a good 10 or so bottles packed in the suitcase.

"so what did your mom have to say about your situation and challenges?" I asked. "nothing. I didn't tell her."

brilliant. now his mother has one more reason to despise me. for god's sake! even if I was in tip top shape reproductively we would still being going down this IVF path. even if I produced 50 high quality eggs on my own each and every month, IVF with ICSI and AH would still be in our cards. NOW, I (me and only me) am the infertile one who cannot give the MIL grandchildren. thanks b, for making things clear in your mother's mind. thanks for adding fuel to the already blazing fire.

it is a terrible feeling knowing how much someone dislikes you. I am not from MIL's homeland and I cannot change that. I don't go to church and that's my choice. I have a hundred reasons not to have organized religion a part of my life. these crazed and extreme christians I believe are a problem in our country. b's mother made it rather clear to all her friends and family how much she was against me and ultimately our marriage. she told me that she would not love me until I started going to church. nice, casual, holiday chit chat at the dining room table. that thanksgiving I went insane preparing and cooking an entire meal for her and her family. I cooked a fucking turkey and I don't even eat meat! I did it for b and I did it for her out of respect. it's odd, when I was little and went to sunday school I don't recall jesus being so hateful and judgmental. I don't know what bible she's reading. it's that kind of distorted thinking that makes religion really undesirable and something to fear. she never gave me a chance to show that I am a good person and a loving and supportive wife to her son. I was doomed from the start because I don't pray before dinner.

so here I am now, damaged goods, broken, wrong yet again, and unable to produce a grandchild. I'm the one responsible. that's icing on the devil's foodcake. no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never be good enough or accepted. it sucks.