14 August 2008

good mornin' sunshine

I've been up since 4:15 am. when I say "up" I mean literally on my swollen and tingling paddle-like feet pacing and snacking. up the stairs. down the stairs. my routine lately has been wake up starving between 4 and 4:30, eat and drink a little, pee and then go back to bed. well not anymore. there is just too much swirling around in my head these days. AND I'm nauseated and too damn uncomfortable in bed. sleeping actually hurts! how cruel is that?! you'd think your body would give you a little tiny break right before you deliver. people say "oh, you'll never have a good night's sleep again until the child is 18." I know, I know! so pleeeaaase... why can't I rest now?! I'm tired, unprepared and feeling mighty cranky.

this certainly doesn't help. I have a ridiculous week by week pregnancy book that I stupidly thumb through every wednesday. I like to know what to expect in the coming week. however each chapter always ends on a real downer.

"week 28 - your baby weighs 2 1/2 lbs and now has eyebrows and eyelashes! brain tissue is increasing... now let's talk placenta previa and bird flu."

"week 36 - you've gained 25 - 30 lbs by now. your uterus is up under your ribs... now let's talk umbilical-cord prolapse and hyaline membrane disease."

"week 38 - you're big and fat and exhausted. now let's talk postpartum distress syndrome. acute depression, cannot sleep or eat, feel worthless and isolated, sad, extremely anxious, restless and agitated. watch out if you..
- have experienced a major life change recently. m's death.
- suffered pms before pregnancy. yep.
- had fertility treatments to achieve pregnancy. hormone fluctuations may be more severe! oh YEAH!
- have a personal history of depression. unfortunately, yes.
(here we go. confession time. I was treated for an eating disorder years ago. I expect to hear the phone start ringing anytime now.)

- have a perfectionist personality. ugh.
- have a husband who works 115+ hour weeks and sleeps when he is not at hospital." my own personal addition.

I'm doomed. bring on the hardcore meds and book a year's worth of bi-weekly therapy sessions. I know this is part of the reason why I cannot sleep. am I ready for all of "this?" I consider myself a pretty good "dog parent" to lulu (and chilli) but a "human parent?" am I too old? too tired? too much in dept? can I really handle being a single parent? b's work schedule really won't change much... until he retires.

:::panic sets in. again:::

the sun is up now. I go see dr f in a few hours to check on any cervical activity. yikes.

6 comments:

**G** said...

I always felt like the late pregnancy sleeplessness was so that when the baby does come and you only have to wake up twice during the night it was a break from those last weeks before delivery! Being more physically comfortable for those night-time feedings made a big difference!

You're getting really close here! Hang in there!

Rebecca said...

OMG...what a miserable morning. I can't sleep either. I think I'm a day behind you with my due date and it's ridiculous...all I want to do is sleep and it hurts like a son of a bitch! If I had to watch myself actually get out of bed, I'd probably laugh at myself b/c it's so freaking dramatic...you're not alone and from what people tell me, this waking up this is "normal." They say it's your body's way of getting you ready to get up with the kid...cruel joke if you ask me...let me sleep!!!

Aunt Becky said...

*hugs*

Those books say notoriously frightening things. And you know what? I literally wanted to kill anyone and everyone by the time I was 37 weeks.

It's almost over!

Portia P said...

I'm sorry about your sleeping. I've not slept right through virtually since I got pregnant. I also feel it's so unfair as this is the last chance we'll get (fingers crossed) for a long time.

Still - it's what we wished for! xx

orodemniades said...

I'm going to tell you right now that the first 6 weeks are hell on Earth, and then it all gets better, and better, and BETTER. Learning your baby's signs is tough...

...you're going to be a brilliant mom. Just don't expect it to happen overnight.

Oh, and try not to kill your husband.

But don't be surprised by the depths of your rage, either...

Diana said...

just wait, the perfect antidote will come in a few short weeks in the form of a toothless grin.