good mornin' sunshine

I've been up since 4:15 am. when I say "up" I mean literally on my swollen and tingling paddle-like feet pacing and snacking. up the stairs. down the stairs. my routine lately has been wake up starving between 4 and 4:30, eat and drink a little, pee and then go back to bed. well not anymore. there is just too much swirling around in my head these days. AND I'm nauseated and too damn uncomfortable in bed. sleeping actually hurts! how cruel is that?! you'd think your body would give you a little tiny break right before you deliver. people say "oh, you'll never have a good night's sleep again until the child is 18." I know, I know! so pleeeaaase... why can't I rest now?! I'm tired, unprepared and feeling mighty cranky.

this certainly doesn't help. I have a ridiculous week by week pregnancy book that I stupidly thumb through every wednesday. I like to know what to expect in the coming week. however each chapter always ends on a real downer.

"week 28 - your baby weighs 2 1/2 lbs and now has eyebrows and eyelashes! brain tissue is increasing... now let's talk placenta previa and bird flu."

"week 36 - you've gained 25 - 30 lbs by now. your uterus is up under your ribs... now let's talk umbilical-cord prolapse and hyaline membrane disease."

"week 38 - you're big and fat and exhausted. now let's talk postpartum distress syndrome. acute depression, cannot sleep or eat, feel worthless and isolated, sad, extremely anxious, restless and agitated. watch out if you..
- have experienced a major life change recently. m's death.
- suffered pms before pregnancy. yep.
- had fertility treatments to achieve pregnancy. hormone fluctuations may be more severe! oh YEAH!
- have a personal history of depression. unfortunately, yes.
(here we go. confession time. I was treated for an eating disorder years ago. I expect to hear the phone start ringing anytime now.)
- have a perfectionist personality. ugh.
- have a husband who works 115+ hour weeks and sleeps when he is not at hospital." my own personal addition.

I'm doomed. bring on the hardcore meds and book a year's worth of bi-weekly therapy sessions. I know this is part of the reason why I cannot sleep. am I ready for all of "this?" I consider myself a pretty good "dog parent" to lulu (and chilli) but a "human parent?" am I too old? too tired? too much in dept? can I really handle being a single parent? b's work schedule really won't change much... until he retires.

:::panic sets in. again:::

the sun is up now. I go see dr f in a few hours to check on any cervical activity. yikes.