urine management

it's been awhile since my last post. put it this way, "dopey client." it's one thing to work as a freelancer/consultant for a big design firm. it's another thing to work with your own client. two completely separate beasts.
big design firm = 6 - 8 design concepts with a round of revisions and a set fee. done.
own client = bigger budgets with a lot of "hand holding" and hair pulling frustration. never done. did I mention the phone calls at 8 pm? on a saturday? oy. I've been busy.

so that's what I've been up to, aside from CDing (cloth diapering.) love it! (only after an intense and overwhelming education on the art of CDing.) shit, man! there is a huge CD subculture out there with an enormous, passionate following. BFing and CDs -- talk about serious emotions! you mention "sposies" (disposables) on a certain message board (I'm so not naming names) and watch out, girl! fear for your life!

so b and I spent an entire rainy sunday morning sipping coffee and researching the chore/hobby of CDing. literally HOURS were spent trying to sort through what to purchase for our "collection." blueberries, bum genius 3.0, thirsties, chinese prefolds, indian prefolds, kissaluvs, pockets, swaddlebees, wahmies, snappies, good mamas, AIO (all in ones) contours, happy heiny, fuzzibunz, imse vimse... get the picture? flannel, wool, hemp, organic? snaps vs. velcro? the confusion. the expense. the horror!

what ever happened to the cloth diapers I grew up with? simple cotton rectangles, a couple of safety pins and some good old rubber pants? done! geez. nowadays you need some sort of online degree from GMD (green mountain diapers) ridiculous! and washing them? not so easy. you have to consider hard water vs. soft water. pockets vs. prefolds. choosing the appropriate detergent was a challenging experience as well. I wasn't one to want to wash my bum genius 3.0 (not bum genius 1.0) separately from my kissaluv contours. fuck that. the point is to save money and the environment not do 7 additional loads of laundry every single day. and cost? wow! some diapers run $35... EACH!

after the initial shock ($) and being totally and completely aggravated (with a major bout of diaper rash) we have muddled our way through the murky waters of CDs -- and all is good. very good. in fact, I LOVE my CDs! I have to admit, we bought a few stinkers but we have quickly discovered our faves. we have a nice, uncomplicated routine happenin' now. ginny's rash has cleared up beautifully and I only do 1 extra load of laundry every 2/3 days. couldn't be simpler. no more expensive "sposies" filling up my garbage can (and the earth's landfills.) and those bizarre absorbing crystals left on ginny's bum? gone. but what about the poop? until ginny is out eating chilidogs and spicy beef tacos with her dad (please god, NO!) her poops are unremarkable and pretty benign.

the truth is, yes, CDing requires a little more work but so do a lot of things that are better for our earth and well being. this self proclaimed "recycling bully" is now a little greener. and it feels awwwesome!

another step backwards

for us infertiles.

I wish the media would get it straight! geez louise! (I'm working on my potty mouth. I don't want ginny's first words to be "fucking checkbook.") the idiotic newscasters continue to say "implant" embryos instead of the correct term "transfer" embryos. no, the octuplets were not a result of IVF and implanting 8 embryos. not all transfered embryos IMPLANT people! grrrrrrr.

so here we go again. we are forced to defend IVF and try to teach the public how the process works (when done "correctly.")

IVF 101 -
embryos (usually 1 - 2) are transfered into the uterus with the hope that one will implant and develop into a fetus and ultimately a baby.

dumbass with access to fertility drugs 101 -
my theory on the octuplets? I believe the woman took stims on her own. she clearly responded well to the meds and developed many follicles. any intelligent RE would either cancel the IUI/TI or convert to IVF so he/she had some "control." an u/s would obviously indicate numerous follies. nobody (a responsible professional) would transfer 8 embryos or do an IUI with the potential of producing such a large number of eggs. that's bullshit. this woman already has 6 kids so she's proven she's "kinda" fertile. I think she took the meds with no supervision, hence multiple fertilized eggs (who knows, maybe 15) and the implantation of 8 embryos. idiot.

happy 5 months virginia!

yesterday was ginny's 5 month birthday. shocking! it was a big day for all of us. we officially switched over to cloth diapers (an overwhelming experience.) the tiny, shiny crystals left on her bum from disposables really disturbed me (more on this later.) and ginny began to eat rice cereal like a pro. we are also 3 weeks into the torturous head band (only 5 more to go!... hopefully.) I miss seeing and kissing her little head.

auntie jen was here for a visit. it was great! we shopped, drank wine, took walks, drank wine, shopped a little more, and... drank a little more wine. one of the highlights(?) of her stay was being sucked into the sick, sick world of the duggar family. what a bunch of fucking freaks! (excuse my language.) geez. the wedding of the son was bizarre. and that mother! we figured she has spent her entire adult life pregnant. what do you think her uterus looks like? so if each of her 18 kids has 18 children each, we're talking 324 grandchildren -- 3 times the size of my high school graduating class! these people must be stopped!

how is it possible?

to be so happy and yet so sad.

3 little letters. PPD.

yep. postpartum depression. it's hard to utter those words. it's no good.

I remember my very first acupuncture session, post surgery in early 2007. I was gearing up for IVF #1. A and I spent almost 3 hours together chatting away. we obviously discussed my health, my diet, my lifestyle. but we talked a lot about my relationship with b and what I wanted from my life. it was almost more therapy than needles and new age instrumentals. so what did I want in my life? a baby with b. a baby we'd name virginia.

I got exactly what I wished for and I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed. granted it was a draining and emotional rollercoaster for almost 2 years and we've exhausted our savings, but my glorious dream came true. a dream that required total dedication on so many levels and almost 400 injections. but she is so worth it and I wouldn't change a thing.

so what's the deal? why am I not on cloud 9? but I am! that's what's so tragic. I am over the moon thrilled don't get me wrong. but it's this sadness that constantly creeps into my daily routine. the tears at a drop of a hat. the fear. the irrational fears that are paralyzing at times. like I said, it's no good.

the irrational thoughts are... quite frankly, irrational. do I dare confess? I have moments when I get overwhelmed and panicky at the thought of driving on route 95. I'm afraid I'm going to get sick. cancer runs rampant in my family and I fear it's only a matter of time. the thought of putting ginny through what I went through with my mother's illness terrifies me. the thought of leaving her terrifies me even more. I get teary constantly. tears sometimes for no obvious or logical reason. I've said this before, it is so much easier to be sad and unhappy. it's when you feel good and at peace, that's when shit happens. my life at the moment is about waiting for the other shoe to drop. that's a horrible way to exist. I'm conscious of this and we're working on it.

so I'm back on my meds. the same drugs I took when this whole IF fiasco started. the same meds that I took after my mom passed away when I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. we're pretty confident that they'll make a difference with PPD -- something that I've been denying and battling now for a few months. I hope to be feeling better, more "even keeled," very soon. it's an amazing time right now with ginny who's growing like a little weed. we are having so many firsts these days. I refuse to look back on this time and recall a lot of gloom. fuck that. it's time to rid myself of unhealthy thoughts and feeling scared. it's time to thoroughly enjoy my dream.

there. I said it.

"I'm ok. I'm just reshaping."

she's not so happy, our little sensitive one. ginny is very much aware of the head band. I don't care what people say, she definitely knows it's there sitting tight and hard on her tiny head. we have a game that we play whenever we're on the couch. these days it is a very different experience.

"one, two... THREEEEEEE" and I lift her high above my head so she can see her drooly reflection in the mirror. I used to (past tense) get huge smiles and giggles. NOW all I get is a blank expression. how sad is THAT?!

"ohhhh. how cute. how old is she?" a typical comment on a typical trip to walgreens. NOW all I get is a quick glance into the infant seat and then they're gone. the general public is terrified of the head band. TERRIFIED I tell you! ginny has gone from being rather popular and adored to being completely neglected and ignored. "it's not contagious people!"

so when someone says that this is harder on me than it is on her I beg to differ. it's a nice thought but it's not true. the head band has no give whatsoever and constantly pulls on her wispy locks. it's a sweaty mess when I take it off for that one precious hour each night. the sharp point in the front was bruising her left eyelid when she slept (it has since been filed down.) it's bulky and gets in the way when we cuddle. it just plain sucks.

so please, my fair readers, do me a favor. if you come across a wee one in your travels sporting a similar head band (aka dynamic orthotic cranioplasty for plagiocephaly -- say that 10 times fast!) please give him/her a nice, big, heartfelt "hello there! you look very cute today."

"lulu doggie ruff ruff"

ok. what do you think?

thanks auntie laura!

our very brave little girl

she hates it.

I hate it.

this sucks!

today's the day.

the dreaded day. we pick up the helmet.

this sweet, chubby, drooly face. she has no idea what's coming -- poor thing. she had her 4 month shots on monday and has been in a state ever since -- fever, loss of appetite, serious crankiness. I've been in a state myself. I nearly pummeled the plumber yesterday who came to investigate the mysterious source of our christmas morning flood in the basement (2 inches of water in some spots.) of course the water is long gone now thanks a wet vacuum. "there's no leak. it's dry down here." he tells me in. dumbass. he's lucky he got out of my basement alive.

what a shitty week.

(but take note of those awesome neck muscles! good job little girl!)

life with an biracial baby

shaws supermarket. monday 5 jan 09. 4:20 pm.

"Is that your grandbaby?"

huh? "what?... ummm... no. she's mine."

I REALLY feel like vomiting. shit, I know I'm old.

"ohhhhh. you adopted!"

(((gulp))) "no. I had her myself."

long awkward silence.

"but she looks like. looks to be... "

"asian?"

"yeah!"

"my husband is korean."

"oh. paper or plastic?"

"neither. I brought my own bags"

sad news

sad for me.

we finally had our meeting with the cranial specialists. virginia was diagnosed with plagiocephaly. the flatness on the left side of her head is affecting her ear (shifting forward) and eye (facial asymmetry.) she was measured and photographed repeatedly for her custom designed helmet. because she is growing so quickly she starts treatment next week. we tried at-home positional therapy and it obviously didn't work. I am having a fit.

ginny has always favored the left side of her head. we're told that most likely this started in-utero. sleeping on her back (as you know, to avoid SIDS) has only added to the problem. we are instructed to do physical therapy as well to help strengthen the muscles in the right side of her neck. she hates it! tummy time is usually a battle with lots of tears. we have a lot of work to do.

in the meantime I will join (yet another) online group for support. the therapist suggested we do so to "talk" with other parents. ginny is expected to sport the helmet for at least 2 months, 23 hours a day. we will see the specialist once a week for adjustments. it's a 45 minute drive each way. shit. nothing is easy. but after extreme infertility, an anxious pregnancy, HORRIFIC labor and delivery, hospitalization for jaundice, episiotomy incontinence, seriously infected nipples, never ending UTIs, a bout of colic, breastfeeding "gone wrong," and single parenthood, why should anything be easy?

if anyone has any experience with plagiocephaly I'd love to hear your story. in the meantime we will have to take tons of pictures of our beautiful ginny with those sweet, wispy locks.

happy happy!

wishing everyone a very joyous and healthy new year filled with love, hope and miracles!

happy holidays!

-p, b, and baby v
(and lulu doggie)

yes virginia, there is a santa claus.

you knew this post was coming!

and yes virginia, santa does take lunch -- a break between 1:00 and 2:00. we learned this the hard way when we arrived at 2:05 at the worst mall in america. we strolled around for 50 minutes trying to find one decent store to browse in. nothing. even the food court sucked. so by 2:00, ginny (with a terrible cold -- note: runny nose and drooly mouth) had had it. enough.

it was touch and go with santa. she was on the cusp of full blown tears when this photo was taken. her mother was on the cusp of full blown tears when the idiotic woman in front of her insisted on having a redo of her kid's portrait. she sucked up an additional 10 minutes of santa's precious time. I guess she didn't notice the 75 stressed out adults with crying infants and squirmy toddlers waiting in line.

but santa was awesome! so authentic with his thick, white (and very real) beard, big belly and rosy cheeks. however his southern accent really caught me off guard. who knows. maybe he moved his wife, elves and entire operation down to the south pole where it's warm and sunny. whatever.

18 december

I was sitting in the exact same spot as I am now. same chair. same desk. different client.
it was the same day. different year (2007.)
same tragic hairstyle. different weight (ohhhh. to be that weight again.)

it was sunny out. cold but pleasant.

I don't know what possessed me to do it. I was only 8dp3dt. I had family coming the next day. my beta was in 2 days. like they say, "ignorance is bliss."

but I had a whole stash left over. so I did it.

poas.

it was a cheap internet test. but there it was! an ever-so-subtle hint of the infamous second line. it was soooooo faint but I saw something. I felt like throwing up. those tests were crazy inexpensive so how trustworthy were they? was this some cruel evaporation line?

I couldn't take my eyes off it. was my brain playing tricks on me? I stared at it for hours. I'd put it down for a minute then pick it back up. I used natural light. I used the lights in the kitchen. I went to the front door (east light). I went to the back door (west light.)

I saw our UPS guy come down the driveway. I was moments away from asking him if he could see the second line. but I was too scared to hear his response. no doubt he would think I was insane. I didn't want him to ruin my moment. let me have this glorious time. it was nice (and so awkward) to feel hopeful.

I emailed a fellow T TTC buddy. she demanded that I test again. so off to walgreens I went. a million miles an hour. I got home and peed on the very popular and supposedly accurate FRER. I was shaking. I waited. and waited. and waited. and there it was...

ERROR

fuck. I was crushed. I decided to keep this little secret to myself. my sister and nephew would be arriving in the morning and I didn't want to be upset and depressed. I decided to wait until the negative beta and then have my official devastated breakdown.

18 december 2007. history was about to be made.

ginny's first photo

exactly one year ago today I had my less than stellar ET. it was a pretty terrible day to be honest. going in I felt defeated. in my heart I was convinced it was yet another failed cycle. only 4 eggs (total) retrieved. 3 embies after ICSI. 3 embies transferred -- 5, 8, and 10 cell. AND another car accident. talk about adding insult to injury.

as I look back at this photo I wonder which one is ginny. I think about the other two. sisters? brothers? one of each? I have to admit, it makes me a little sad.

but look at what this tiny cluster of cells has turned into. the love of my life. I will forever and ever be grateful to my hero (dr d) at cornell. he didn't "fire me" like that other clinic. he gave me a tiny bit of hope that "it" could possibly work. the end result is looking at me right now with chubby cheeks and a giant, drooly smile. beautiful.

a fresh start

it's time for a new (and much improved) title.

(see above)

100 day birthday

supposedly this is big in the korean culture. who knows...

poor little ginny had to wear this tragic (size 12 months) "pimp" coat from his mother (b said it, not me!) for all the photos. 100 days does not = 12 months.

the raisins on the massive 30 lb rice cake spell out congratulations 100 days. now my entire freezer is filled to capacity with leftovers that taste like absolutely nothing.

oh christmas tree oh christmas tree...

ginny's first christmas. I love it! too bad mama looks like santa -- BIG and FAT!

thanksgiving 2007

what a difference a year makes. b (post call and irritable) and I spent thanksgiving alone (and arguing if I recall correctly.) my entire family was in maine and I was incredibly sad not to be up there with them. I was expected to be at cornell at 7 am the day after thanksgiving -- cd 3 b/w for IVF #4. at this point I was simply going through the motions. get up at 4 am, get on the train, get off at 125th street/harlem (still dark out) take #6 train to 68st, walk east to cornell and sit in waiting room for my name to be called. this was my routine. nothing remarkable or out of the ordinary. my life.

like I said "what a difference a year makes." this thursday I will be in maine with my family and virginia will be the extra special added bonus. AMAZING! if you had asked me last year if I thought we'd be celebrating thanksgiving 2008 with a baby I would have responded "nope." 3 IVFs didn't work so why would #4?

so what am I thankful for this year? hmmmmmm. I wonder.

speechless

I have a tearful moment
every
single
day.
man, I am sooo lucky...