the junkie. the pain

the doctor added yet another stim injection. now it's three a day. three guaranteed new bruises. he also added another vial of the repronex to my "habit." this shit is painful. pain equals progress, right? progress equals results, right? the entire area around my bellybutton feels raw and there is nowhere else to go. put it this way, my underwear hurts.

I arrived at the clinic in nyc at 7:03 am. the place was packed. after signing in a nurse called out a number of names. "mary r, jane t, lucy w, betsy k..." the women were corralled into another room. when it was my turn I was wisked away for my monitoring. dr c (the "main man") did the ultrasound and then gave me the tragic results. 4 follicles. 4 follicles total. if I don't produce more by saturday the cycle is canceled. over. done. failed. you lose.

the pain in my abdomen is remarkable. the pain in my heart is overwhelming.