the song

there is one particular and lovely song that when we hear it, we think of my mother. it is a song that she wanted a soloist to sing at the church before she was to be buried. it is a song that will forever make us think of her. it is a song that makes me cry.

the hours after my wedding were all about changing into jeans, beer, pizza, and "hanging out" under the stars. my nephew brought a stereo outside to add to the post-reception party. on goes the radio, on comes "the song." we all look at each other. I know my mother was present on my wedding day. I have a photo of a single butterfly hovering over our heads during the vows to prove it.

my life BHSG (Before HSG) was so incredibly different. on my way to the radiologist to get that excruciating exam that changed my life, I heard the song on the radio. I hadn't heard it since my wedding day in september. I pulled into the parking lot and immediately became very emotional. I found a parking spot and sat there until the song ended. I headed into my exam convinced that everything would be "ok."

this brings me that horrible 7 am saturday appointment that b and I recently experienced. we got off the elevator on the 10th floor of 59th and madison and walked into my ex-RE's office. and there it was. the song.

I signed us in and then took a seat next to b. I sat there all teary eyed and literally physically shaking until the song ended. again, I headed into my exam convinced that everything would be "ok."

we all know things didn't turn out ok. in hindsight I believe the song was a powerful message of comfort. a message of support. regardless of the outcome, my mother was there for me during some of the worst days of this journey.