the reality

we got a hideous message on the answering machine. "hi, your IVF has been cancelled. sorry. the office is now closed." click.

I asked b to make sure the message had my name in it. the call had to be a mistake and they meant to contact some other poor soul.

it all started when the alarm went off at 4:30 am. b and I drove to manhattan in the dark early saturday morning to have yet more blood drawn and another ultrasound. we listened to the local news and heard about a newborn baby girl found lifeless in a plastic bag. we were speeding down the highway in pursuit of our very own newborn. god, how can the universe be so cruel?!

the chubby doctor saw only 2 follicles with potential and 2 others that were simply too small. you could tell by the look on his face that this was not good. b asked big bad baldy a simple question only to get a snippy, defensive response "I know what I am doing here, believe me." what an ass. we are not here discussing plantars warts. do you think you could be a tiny bit sensitive? you are basically telling the two of us indirectly that we cannot have children. oh, and by the way, DH went to medical school so don't be so fucking condescending. chubby really belongs in a podiatry clinic. ingrown toenails seem more his speed than stressed out couples struggling with infertility.

I spent the rest of the day in bed. I felt at peace only while sleeping and the idea of waking up scared me. the reality is just too devastating and hard to accept. I've never seen b so disappointed and it broke my heart. while I grieved under the covers he feverishly searched the internet trying to find a morsel of hopeful information. nothing. a woman my age with an FSH of 16 has a 1% chance of conceiving even through IVF. I cannot help but to feel like we are being punished. and that poor little thing who somebody simply threw away was never given a chance. we would have safely and lovingly taken her into our home in a heartbeat. what a sin.