it's a "go!"

I got the green light to proceed with IVF #3 (or is it #2.5?) the cyst has fizzled to an unremarkable size and my estrogen levels are spectacular. FINALLY!

I have more follicles this time too! 3 on one side and 4 on the other. the last cycle I only had 2, total, to start with.

:::::: lifting our new simon pearce wine glass high in the air (wedding gift received a week ago) with a splash of pinot noir (for the sake of celebration) :::::::

cheers to a positive cycle! cheers to our little chilli! to growing follicles and shrinking tumors!

4 am wake up call

off to cornell tomorrow (try again) to see if I can start my stims. my meds are getting all dusty. this IVF cycle has been delayed way, way too long now. if that infamous cyst is still lingering I am going to demand they get rid of it right then and there. I'm not getting any younger.

hmmm.

I'm amazed by something every single day. sometimes it's a good thing. sometimes, well, not so good.

how can a giant suv with a mountain bike on the back and kayak on the roof be parked in a handicapped space at the post office? nice.

how can a little dog be so full of cancer? 2 completely unrelated cancers!

how can a small condominium be so much work and so expensive to maintain? I'm wicked (I'm from maine) tired of people saying "oh, but you are married to a doctor." yeah, he is indeed a physician but he is also a "student." students don't make money! students don't have a salary! some students owe $$$,$$$ in school loans (take note of the number of dollar signs.) yikes! the financial drama here on prospect street is genuine. the ancient, not to code pipes in our newly renovated "master bath" (tee hee) are no exaggeration. I really wish we had rented.

how can our contractor sleep at night knowing he totally took advantage of us, the infertiles (x2)? he did a crappy, low budget job and basically stole our money. another life lesson. lesson #396,885.

a new attitude?

patience over at the impatient patient brought up a very interesting question. "are you a different person online and on your blog?"

I was amazed at the number of people that said they censored their blogs in order to not offend anyone. that they are not being true to what they are thinking and feeling. wow. I am the total opposite. if you can't be honest here where can you be honest? (that's just my point of view. no offense please.) this silly site of mine is MY relief. this is where I can type like a raving lunatic and be open and vent. we all know IF is wicked. I (sort of) get it out of my system before b comes home from work. it's my "dear diary, I had a shitty day. IVF sucks..." and it happens to be public. I'd rather bitch and moan about MIL online than do something stupid in real life that I would regret later on. believe me, I am not all gloom and doom, angry, a total debbie downer. starting today I will end each post on a positive note -- excerpts from my grateful journal. if only I could find it.

3 very eventful and positive things happened just yesterday. three! do good things come in 3's as well?

1 - chilli, who had a terrible, nauseated day on wednesday, started to eat again. a pug that rejects hand fed roast beef is a real reason for serious concern. wednesday was day 5 after his chemo and arrogant vet (vet #3) anticipated that he would be in bad shape during this time. well it passed. he actually has a little spring in his step again. woohoo!

2 - b passed his surgical boards!!! congratulations b! he is always so dramatic after he takes these medical exams. "I failed!" well, you didn't. I knew he didn't. he is postponing the oral exams until may. he thinks we have "a lot going on right now." he thinks?

drum role please. 3 - MIL is not coming labor day weekend. that's all I am going to say.

a new attitude? no, not really. just a little less pessimistic grumpiness and more of my "what a glorious day" side. whatever.

little follow-up after "a's" comment below

I just have to make it incredibly clear that I have treated my MIL from day 1 with nothing but respect. for example, I spent the majority of my wedding day in a korean costume after a VERY long traditional korean ceremony. I barely had any time in the beautiful white silk dress that cost me a fortune and that I loved so much. the ceremony was so time consuming and once it was over my guests started to leave. how is that for respect?

she is in america now and we do things a little differently over here. I don't bow to my elders but I am certainly very respectful towards them. that is how I was raised. I am also devoted to her son. I was able to help him out financially on many occasions and buy our home based on my personal funds I earned from my own business and tons of hard work. I clean the house. I shop for groceries. I cook the majority of the meals. she has got to snap out of this religious haze and accept the reality that I can be "not korean" AND a good person. if she loves her son it's time she learned(?) to be nice to me. isn't that what jesus would do?

and what if b and I should have a child? her visits will be few and far between unless I start getting the respect I deserve.

sorry "a" you struck a nerve. I could go on and on with stories about her rejecting me. that would be a different blog entirely.

they say

bad things come in 3's.

1 - cancelled/postponed IVF #3 (or is it #2.5)
2 - chilli's diagnosis of 2 cancers
3 - MIL coming labor day

oh no. why does she have to visit now? why does she have to visit at all? I have so much on my plate at the moment and her arrival could easily push me over the edge. I am teetering there right now.

she "doesn't care for me." that is putting it mildly. the thing is, she doesn't even know me. her strong opinions are based on me not being a church goer and having religion a significant part of my life. I guess if I am not in church I must, no doubt, be worshiping the devil and committing all sorts of sins. that's me -- busting all the commandments! "thou shall..."

she loves to send me religious books. I am an earth conscious person that cares about the world's future. they go right into the recycling bin.

she better be on her best behavior. if she starts in with the criticism and speaking only in korean (to blatantly exclude me) I will have a total fit. the house is still not settled from the move. I have accomplished what I am capable of and it's not a whole lot. who cares. the kitchen is not completely painted, the bedroom still has boxes as dressers, and my office is a post-move dumping ground. I don't care. if she is mean to me I cannot be responsible for what I might say. and oh, I have a lot to say.

I've let her talk down to me in the past. I've let her negative comments and judgments get under my skin and upset me. not anymore. I'm trying my best to function normally while watching my dog struggle to breath and my successful IVF dreams disappear.

this was very telling. I met MIL's brother for the first time at our wedding rehearsal dinner. "wow. you are actually very pretty." he is clearly shocked and perplexed. she must have painted a hideous picture of me to all the relatives -- a disgusting and rude ogre of a person. well, I am not. surprise, surprise.

nyc to boston appointments

thursday. nyc. cornell. the cyst is still there and producing too much estrogen. IVF canceled again. goddammit! I had a borderline argument with my RE's aggravating receptionist (who happens to share the same name as MIL. figures.) I called to "speak with" not leave a message with RE. aggravating receptionist insists I call MIA IVF nurse. fuck off. I NEED to have a conversation with dr s. what part don't you understand?! dr s called back an hour later. so I guess she really does exist. oh, and she is very much pregnant with her first.

"blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, cyst. blah, blah, blah, cyst blah. no IVF for you. blah, blah, blah."

"thanks for calling me back -- ("finally." which I mumbled under my breath). oh, and congratulations on your pregnancy dr s."

"thank you. I am more motivated now to help my patients get pregnant."

what the hell does THAT mean? was she giving me some half-assed treatment up until now? what does motivated mean exactly? I am happy to hear this but at the same time I am a little pissed.

friday. boston. chilli's oncologist. it was a very overwhelming experience. vet #3 has not a morsel of decent bedside manner. he rambled off cancer jargon and various protocols like he was giving a lecture to an auditorium full of vet students. he got visibly annoyed if I asked a question that had anything to do with part of his presentation that he had already gone over. "like I SAID..." he should have said "weren't you listening, stupid?" I was put on the spot to make to major decisions concerning our little guy's care. I should not have been alone at this appointment. how can an obviously confused and sobbing person know what to do?

chilli had his first round of chemo. it was difficult to watch. he wimpered and shook the entire time he had the IV in his little arm. I have never seen him like that. all I know is that this mysterious cancer in his chest is very advanced and very invasive. the unrelated liver lymphoma has been put on "the back burner." how can a 26 lb dog have so much cancer? the chemo will hopefully reduce the size of the mass (a mass that is so rare and, this amazes me, unidentifiable) and give chilli some relief until...

our intention is to keep him comfortable and pain free. I anticipate a rough road ahead.

bad news gets worse

our little boy is full of cancer. 2 different kinds. I was told (by vet #2) to keep our appointment with the oncologist (vet #3) in boston this friday. I am really not so sure why as he is full of disease and treatment is not likely. I have my own appointment at cornell tomorrow to see about this pending IVF cycle. I've spent the last week literally trying to make contact and get simple answers from the medical community - both human and canine. every attempt has been a huge disappointment. I can only seem to communicate (wrong word) with pissy receptionists, random bitter staff, and voicemail. it's next to impossible to speak with anyone who knows anything of substance - i.e. my RE or chilli's vet. nobody at cornell can tell me definitively when I am supposed to have my post cyst/post bcps follow-up appointment. my dopey IVF nurse gave me 2 completely different instructions. of course she is out of the office until friday. remember? this woman NEVER works. chilli's vet #1 had us in limbo for 3 days for scheduling a visit with vet #2/#3. when we got the "appointment" and showed up they said they had never even heard of us. how can this be? both my vet and RE are "for profit" organizations (HUGE, gigantic profit) and the care and attention has been shit.

we are at critical points here. my very special dog is dying of cancer and I am literally lost in the IVF chaos of cornell. we have both fallen through the cracks. falling doesn't feel very good.

I'm heartbroken

our little guy is very very sick. we just found out he has a massive cancerous tumor in his chest and it's pressing on his lungs. his breathing has been compromised. we are off to boston to meet with an oncologist to get more details, and, we hope and pray, a treatment protocol. please send positive thoughts his way.



fucking cancer has hit my family once again. fuck you tumor!

typical response

if I hear this once more I think I will scream my head off. please note - this is not directed towards you jwp. we simply need support, good friends, and a whole lot understanding (especially if I appear a little out of sorts - which is usually the case.) we are not seeking out answers (except at cornell.)

adoption. yes! it is truly a fantastic thing. I'm just tired of people suggesting that we go down that road. it's become the oh so popular and generic solution to our "problem." lots of people we know, CLIENTS EVEN, throw the word around so easily like it's that simple. "if the third IVF doesn't work just adopt." yeah, ok. now why didn't I think of that?

I look at my sisters and my brother. I see both of my parents in all 3 of them. it's an amazing feeling/connection to see such a strong resemblance especially when both parents have passed away. it's familiar. it's comforting. my mother died 9 years ago this coming november. I see her constantly (physical traits, certain mannerisms, expressions) in my siblings and this makes me incredibly happy. wow. she's gone but I can still see her.

I recall one of my sisters saying that she enjoyed being pregnant. I take it back. she loved it. I want that amazing experience. they (the fertiles) say there is nothing else like it. call me selfish. call me self-absorbed. call me narcissistic. but I want it! I want to get big and fat. I want to feel that first kick. I want to have a child with b. I want that powerful family connection. the artist and the physician. the white girl and the asian guy. our child would no doubt be an unusual combination (and very earth conscious and skilled at recycling.)

I'm not ruling out adoption. I actually always sort of imagined having a few foster children in my life. wednesday's child on the news always touched me. b and I have not talked about the "a" word so I have no idea how he feels about it. I take that back too. we have discussed the gigantic price tag that goes with adopting a child but that's about it. god, they really don't make this easy for us. parenthood.

honesty is not the best policy

this is why we infertiles keep to ourselves and on occasion, tell a blatant lie. I have been avidly avoiding all baby showers and parties that are centered around small children. these events are just too much for me at the moment. it is hard enough to walk past the baby section at target without feeling a sharb jab of emptiness.

I recently received an evite for a baby's birthday party this weekend. my friend has a ton of siblings and cousins that all have infants and toddlers. estimated ratio: 1-3 kids per adult. I cannot do it. it's too hard. I idiotically decided to be open and honest instead of the old "b and I have made other plans already, sorry." I sent her a gracious and very apologetic email explaining my state of mind. I was hoping she'd "understand." here's the kicker. she had her son via cornell center for reproductive medicine and infertility.

her reply - "sometimes you have to put on a tough face. It makes you stronger and able to manage things better if you face your problems."

face my problems? my infertility problems? my lack of fallopian tubes? my DH's few and highly challenged sperm? I was so upset that I posted her response on one of the IF message boards that I frequent. I got 16 responses

"- I think I'd be tempted to reply that my "problem" is with unsupportive and self-centered friends. It sounds like she's just pissed because you aren't coming to her party.

- That is awful!! How are you NOT "facing your problem"?! Does she think that by going to the stupid bday party, you will be able to better come to terms with T TTC? At least you can be assured that YOU did the right thing by writing a thoughtful/apologetic email, and she was the one that acted inappropriately.

- Oh gosh girl. WHAT an insensitive friend--especially since she experienced IF herself. I am so sorry she acted that way--you completely don't deserve it! You took the higher road here--rest assured. Self -preservation is EXTREMELY important during IF. Some people can handle certain situations better than others--how about this? I haven't gone to my niece or nephew's b-day parties in over a year OR any baby showers either. You know what? TOO BAD! I have to deal with IF and IVF---I am more important than anything else that bothers me and upsets me and that I can avoid. My sil and bil were fine with it (and even if they weren't, I still wouldnt've have gone--I see them all the time but birthday parties with tons of kids and preggos is not my idea of fun at all) Sorry she's so self absorbed that she can't dig back into her memory of when she suffered from IF and be a supportive friend. (((HUGS))) Do what's good FOR YOU!!!!!!!

- Granted I'm quite hormonal right now but her response made me very angry. I'm sorry your friend has lost her damn mind, not to mention her manners. I think birthday parties for kids are fantastic things but I really don't get some people's obsession with having ALL their friends there for their child's party. IF they want to come, YAY! But to actually get miffed if they don't? Beyond me.... I'm sorry again, hang in there.

- wow, are you going to respond back that you are facing your problems, on your own away from a bunch of babies and kids? i almost understand naive people saying stupid things but she is supposed to be a part of ourt club! That's it, I'm kicking her out!!!!

- And how does sitting through a baby's birthday party qualify as "facing your problems?" How is that going to help your state of mind at all? Ugh. I would celebrate that kid's birthday with a bottle of wine out on my patio."

reduce, reuse, recycle.

on a very sad note, Trish over at fertile hope is coping with a m/c. I am very sad for her. I was thrilled to add her to my BFP peeps list. poor thing.

on an angry note, some might think I verbally assaulted a neighbor's elderly father this morning. I am turning into the condo dumpster police recycling bully. the older, non-english speaking, chinese man had an armful of plastic and he was on his way to the dumpster. if there is one thing I am passionate about, it's recycling. it's easy to do. it takes so little effort. it makes a difference! of the 22 units in our complex only 8 recycle. EIGHT! that's criminal! I counted the bins before they were picked up yesterday morning. come on people! not recycling is yet another example of selfish me me me behavior.

I stopped the poor man in his tracks and tried my best to communicate "NO! NO dumpster! recycle please." the more I repeated this the louder it got. he laughed but I think he understood me in the end. my new mission now is to get on the condo board and make recycling a priority around here. I am the condo dumpster police recycling bully and I am watching you!

secret handshake

there she was. I knew her deal immediately after I set up my towel and beach chair about 10 feet away from her.

she was around my age - although a little younger. she was sporting a wedding band and solitaire - and a nice one too! she was also reading, like me, a hardcover book. she was not, like me, slathered in high spf suntan lotion. silly girl. you should know better in this day and age.

it was her fantastic "beach bag" that gave her away. there was no way that that bag has ever carried a plastic pail and shovel in it. the inside has never been exposed to sand, loose cherrios, or soggy diapers. there she was. at the beach on a beautiful day, alone like me, surrounded by tons of mothers chasing small children. a fellow infertile.

she had to be. beaches in the summertime are all about families. I suspected pcos or maybe "unexplained." I just sensed it. was she resting up before starting an IVF cycle? did she just have an IUI earlier this week? does her husband have zero motility? who knows. what I do know is that she doesn't have a child. maybe this was her choice. but with the high percentage of women out there experiencing infertility the chances are pretty good she is "one of us."

all we need now is some sort of handshake to clearly identify one another.