rollercoaster

today is a bad day. nervous nelly has returned with a vengeance and she is wicked.

I had pretty significant pains/aches 2 nights ago. I spent the early evening flat on my back on new comfy couch and then went to bed early. the pains were below my bellybutton and deep within my stomach (and a little to the left.) I have never had these sensations before. when I woke up the next morning I still felt some discomfort. more achiness than pain. I can only describe the residual feeling as kinda "muscular." god knows I wasn't doing any sit-ups recently. maybe in gym class in 1979.

because people think I am totally losing my mind and acting like a crazy person I ignored the pains. that was until b called from work (he got a spare minute. woohoo!) and told me to call my ob. "are you concerned?" I asked. "yes, but not overly. just call him."

dr f is great. such a nice guy. he didn't have a whole lot to say based on my pathetic symptomatic descriptions. I'm a visual person! I draw pictures for a living, remember? in any case, he said he was glad I was going in to see him thursday. I apologized for bothering him and he said again "these times are especially hard for those who have gone though IVF." he didn't think my call was unwarranted. he was relieved to hear there was no bleeding or the pain was not cyclical or rhythmic. "take it easy for now and I will see you in 2 days."

well the fear has crept back in. hardcore irrational thinking. I feel "different" today. on some strange level the pain yesterday was reassuring - there was activity going on in there. now there is nothing. nothing but a sick and nervous stomach. what exactly was that cramping all about? I was incredibly stressed earlier that day. maybe it was my growing uterus. possibly round ligament pain. maybe it was a leftover cyst. nobody can tell me. nobody but little one knows for sure. give a creative person a few things to mull over and the ideas and scenarios can be remarkable. some very bleak. of course.

b arrived home last night at 9 o'clock with a $75 ticket in hand. we live literally 2 miles from the hospital. he was pulled over for driving without his lights on. bastard cop. give the poor, exhausted guy who spends his entire life helping people a break! a much needed break. go pick on the neighbors down the block that sell drugs and participate in illegal (key word) dog fighting. earlier I got verbally assaulted AGAIN by the ornery tree killing bully. because I have a dog it must be me, and only me, who doesn't scoop the poop. for the record, I DO clean up after lulu (in her pink ruffled collar) and I DON'T appreciate this repeated, high volume abuse. I warn you. don't piss off a hormonally charged, anxiety ridden, highly emotional pregnant lady! who knows what I am capable of.

I feel the universe is not on our side these days and this scares me. little one is the size of a small plum right now. a little something I so dearly want to keep.

positive vibes. positive thoughts please. my u/s is only 26 hours away (and counting.)

9w3d - livin' the single life

again, I'm alone in dealing with "all of this." I went though multiple IVFs "alone." I experienced my one and only bfp alone. I give myself daily PIO shots (not easy even though my ass and childbearing hips are getting larger.) I spent the end of last week and most of the weekend sick in bed and totally miserable. yes... alone. b logged in 140 hours last week at the hospital. one hundred and forty! I didn't see him for 4 days straight. when he comes home he is literally an empty shell, nothing left, for anyone. and so thin! it's very difficult going through the torture and worries of the first trimester when you don't have any support from your husband. it's very difficult experiencing the joy and happiness of a new pregnancy, one WE worked so hard for, when single parenthood seems inevitable.

140 hours is criminal (and COMPLETELY illegal, people!) b gives all he has to the hospital and to his demanding attendings. fuck all of them! this fellowship sucks! I worry for his health and state of mind. I worry about the care he is giving (or not giving.) I worry about our marriage. things are very different now. it's not just me, sitting home alone, it's us. our miracle, little one, needs to come first.

can we please be happy and enjoy this... together?
what a strange request.

I got to thinking

the insomnia has set in yet again. with a growing uterus pressing on my bladder, it's only natural to get up not once, but sometimes twice, a night to use the bathroom. I pee for what seems like 10 minutes and then go back to bed only to lie awake...thinking. sometimes my thoughts are positive. usually not. sometimes my active brain puts me into full-on panic mode. the worry tends to makes my stomach hurt and my heart beat too fast. I cannot wait to be out of this first trimester!

the other night at around 4:30 am, surrounded by a chorus of snoring (french bulldog and b in perfect harmony) I had a brilliant idea. I think mattel is missing out on a huge opportunity. IVF Barbie.

IVF Barbie would be a great tool in educating the public (and she'd be so much fun to play with too! just think of all the scenarios!) IF wouldn't be so hush hush anymore. she would bring long overdue awareness of the suffering too many of us live with. I think I have the details figured out.

IVF Barbie would not be decked out in typical plastic doll high fashion. no mink stole or tiny skirt. she would actually be sporting her partner ken's navy sweatpants (complete with the patriots logo) and a simple black gap turtleneck - think multiple branding opportunities! the IVF bloat makes regular skinny girl clothes hard to fit into. her hair would be pulled back into a ponytail in order to hide the disheveled style and dark roots. appointments at the hairdresser are not in the budget at the moment and there is really no time for such indulgences. there would be no makeup except for some cover-up under her eyes to disguise the obvious dark circles (and possibly some tinted burt's bees lip balm for a hint of glamour.) IVF Barbie would also be tooling around town in red converse sneakers. no stilettos during stims! instead of a gem embellished clutch, she would carry your classic canvas LL Bean boat and tote. it would be full of all kinds of goodies! spare 22G syringes, "the couple's guide to IVF," alcohol prep pads, an ipod with pre-retrieval meditations, consent forms, wheatgrass tablets, $7 cash. what really makes IVF Barbie unique and stand out from, let's say, Red Carpet Glam Hilary Duff Barbie and Stolen Magic Barbie is that she is anatomically correct - for all those pesky ultrasounds... maybe not.

just think of all the adventures IVF Barbie could have. hours of fun and entertainment! and don't forget, she's educational too!

I love robert de niro

I just don't like looking like him in raging bull (minus the gloves.)

I have a full-blown sinus infection. my nose is red and swollen - giant, unrecognizable! the space between my eyes is all puffy. I cannot even touch my nose (it's incredibly sore) or think about blowing it. forgetaboutit! who is that bizarre person in my mirror brushing her teeth and wearing my pajamas?

8w1d

little one's first visit to the ob went well yesterday. my, how much we've grown! we all liked dr f quite a bit, however, I was a little disappointed in the "low tech" feel of the office. I am keeping my appointment at big high risk clinic scheduled a week from monday. I have a feeling we'll stick with dr f. there is something so nice, and yet so unfamiliar, about personal attention. I could get used to that.

little one (or upsidedown gummy bear) is measuring right on target. 8w! I accused dr f of eavesdropping in on our conversation about how far along I was. he assured me he was not listening outside the exam room door. the measurements were accurate and true. we also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. how cool is THAT! I recall a heartbeat of 171 bpm. b recalls 178 bpm. in order to keep straight, I think we need a third party (maybe a stenographer) to accompany us to all future appointments.

unfortunately, also visible on the u/s was some more blood. dr f warned me that I may have yet another bleeding episode in my future. this scares the crap out of me. it is still unclear as to why I was bleeding in the first place. yikes. another mystery in the world of obstetrics I guess. he also upped my PIO to 1 cc again. I was looking forward to fewer injections but I like the idea of the extra hormonal support. but man, my ass hurts!

today will be a VERY quiet day. if I have the energy later on I may head out to la perla for some new underwear. I am clearly busting out of my 34 a/b bras. (I'm joking - about la perla - not the busting out. we're talking more target style or better yet, kohl's.) I woke up with a terrible sore throat and I cannot stop sneezing. "thanks b!" he hasn't been well these last few days and now I'm afraid it's a family affair. it's cold out and I feel crappy. but at least I have this beautiful picture to make me smile.

new state of mind, new layout

how come I see so many simple and beautifully designed blogs out there? I am a graphic designer for crying out loud and THIS is the best I can do? blogger doesn't offer many creative options yet I see all sorts of custom blogs using this site. how do you all do it? please educate me! I am ashamed of my lack of control with type and imagery. the insensitive letter spacing. the unruly leading. it pains me!

I figured with the new year I'd try an extreme makeover. my old layout was for tryingin2007 and there was a lot of sadness that year. the surgery, the failed cycles, moving farther away from my friends (and deeper into isolation,) numerous car dramas, chilli's illness and death. but don't get me wrong, we did end on a brilliant and amazing note -- 20dec was cutting it pretty close.

I wake up every morning now so incredibly grateful that we made it through another day, another night. so thankful that little one has chosen to hang on. 7w5d - one day closer to our due date. another 24 hours has passed incident-free (((touch wood.))) after that horrific bleeding episode and ER visit I live in constant fear. every trip to use the bathroom is a nerve wracking experience. every unrecognizable cramp gives me heart palpitations. it's a terrible way to live but yet, at the same time, I feel truly blessed and thrilled beyond words. how's this possible? I'm no longer tryingin2007 but tryingtobepositive08. BUT... I am still holding on tightly to my leftover vials of menopur and stash of follistim in the fridge. I am far from being "out of the woods" and this is a very dense forest with a gazillion trees, vines, dangerous predators, quick sand...

hopefully by the end of this week I will have in my possession (thank you amazon.com) my 2 new pregnancy meditation cds. I found the IF and IVF versions really helpful while cycling and post ET. they were key in my learning how to relax and cope with unreasonable thoughts (if only temporarily.) if anyone's head is spinning out of control with negativity and paranoia, ohhhh... it's mine! my new ipod is all charged up and ready to go. now where IS this UPS guy? I've got A LOT of work to do. tryingtobepositive08 is difficult stuff!

another "quiet" weekend

quiet because I was stuck in bed. doctor's orders after a 1 am ER visit thursday night.

thursday am I did the usual trek into nyc to see dr d for another f/u appointment and u/s. everything looked good. we had a strong heartbeat of 160 bpm. a huge sigh of relief. dr d even suggested we start weening me off of the PIO. now THAT'S progress! no b/w either. things were "right on track."

until... 4:30 pm. my train home was delayed because of a suicide on the tracks. horrible. when I got home I started to feel crampy. I had been queasy and light-headed on and off all day but I figured this was the start of classic m/s. well the cramps continued for hours and came in waves of intensity. I imagined them being similar to teeny tiny contractions. they felt very unfamiliar. then later in the evening the blood started. it was "minor" spotting at first and I was not prepared for what was to come around midnight. "whooosh!" lots of (WARNING! turn away) very thick and mucousy bright red blood mixed with brown blood in a huge gush.

I was horrified! this was not good and I anticipated the worst. off to the ER.

and the waiting began. after finally getting into a room we met with the 17 year old ER resident. he had no idea what I meant when I said this was an IVF pregnancy. yikes. he proceeded to do an external u/s which didn't reveal a thing. it just freaked me out even MORE (if possible) because he could not find a heartbeat. I was literally shaking uncontrollably during the entire exam while holding back the hysterics.

more waiting. they wanted to do an internal exam. "not necessary! just get me an internal u/s for god's sake!"

around 5 am I was wheeled into radiology for my u/s. I studied b's and the poker faced tech's expressions looking for some sort of positive signal. a smile maybe. and there it was. finally. the tiny beating heart. the little one was still holding on.

and more waiting. this time for the radiologist's report. at this point the bleeding had stopped and the cramps were long gone. I felt relief for a moment. a short lived moment. as I was getting dressed the ER nurse came back with the b/w results. my beta hcg was 1480! are you kidding? it was 1580 over a week and a half ago. this was bad, bad news. the ER attending couldn't explain this. "I suggest you speak with your dr."

we got home around 6:30. I tried to rest until the dr's offices opened. yeah right. every person I spoke with was indeed concerned and very bothered/perplexed by the low beta. it seemed impossible. this was bad though. the inevitable (I cannot say it) I figured would happen soon. I was heartbroken.

dr d said it was good though that we had a heartbeat. now I had to wait 4 MORE days for another u/s and b/w. (((big sigh)))

then they arrived! my amazing sisters! like angels they descended upon me bearing food, comfort and joy. b was nowhere to be found. the hospital had sucked him in deep. my sisters saved me! literally. they got me more PIO, they returned my rental car, they bought me organic milk, they walked miss lulu, they bought me swedish fish! they CLEANED my entire house! more importantly, they came with lots of love and support. I owe them both big time for their generosity. they are the best! mom would be so very proud.

when b finally emerged from on-call/OR hell he had my official ER report in hand. and there it was in all its glory. the correct beta hcg. the dopey (and ironically pregnant) nurse had reported the number wrong. it was 14800 not 1480. what a huge mistake this was. but in the end the sense of relief was so much bigger. we're "ok" for now.
... but still holding my breath.

a "quiet" weekend

I had my first m/s experience. woo hoo! b was eating leftover sweet and sour soup (10 am) and I started to gag. I took lulu out to get some fresh new haven air and I almost fainted. I cannot stop eating red swedish fish - they're all I crave! (but they don't have any calcium or protein or folic acid or vitamin c... sucky.) I napped. b fixed his flat tire. we took down the christmas crap. we went to a party where I was told (at 6w1d) "don't tell too many people, don't buy nursery furniture and don't choose names until at LEAST 8 weeks." the hostess is an ob. I freaked out! I've already ruined the fun of a BFP on my own, thank you. I napped more. I knit nothing. we fixed MY flat tire. went grocery shopping. had tears of joy! got locked out of the apartment. b had to bust through the ac unit in the side of the house (after waiting for a neighbor who owned tools.) went out for breakfast and ate too much (food tasted like nothing. b said it was good.) had more tears - fear induced this time. wrote thank you notes. read 4 pages of my book. stepped in dog poop (not lulu's.) obsessed over how slow these days are until "at LEAST 8 weeks." marveled over the fact that someone hit the smurf mobile (aka rental car) smashed the light and destroyed the bumper while parked in my designated, and supposedly safe, spot at the condo. thanks for the hit and run asshole!

like I said, it was a "quiet" weekend.

5w6d

brace yourselves!

we have a heartbeat!

"new RE dr d" warned me before the u/s that it is still very early and I should not be disappointed if we don't see one yet. well, I am FAR from disappointed. I'm shocked! I'm thrilled to tears (literally.) there it was. the tiny flutter on the screen. my hero assured me that everything is measuring as expected. the amniotic sac is positioned perfectly. this abstract concept -- pregnancy -- is now becoming a reality. my reality.

at 10:50 am this morning I fell in love.

our little one.