rollercoaster

today is a bad day. nervous nelly has returned with a vengeance and she is wicked.

I had pretty significant pains/aches 2 nights ago. I spent the early evening flat on my back on new comfy couch and then went to bed early. the pains were below my bellybutton and deep within my stomach (and a little to the left.) I have never had these sensations before. when I woke up the next morning I still felt some discomfort. more achiness than pain. I can only describe the residual feeling as kinda "muscular." god knows I wasn't doing any sit-ups recently. maybe in gym class in 1979.

because people think I am totally losing my mind and acting like a crazy person I ignored the pains. that was until b called from work (he got a spare minute. woohoo!) and told me to call my ob. "are you concerned?" I asked. "yes, but not overly. just call him."

dr f is great. such a nice guy. he didn't have a whole lot to say based on my pathetic symptomatic descriptions. I'm a visual person! I draw pictures for a living, remember? in any case, he said he was glad I was going in to see him thursday. I apologized for bothering him and he said again "these times are especially hard for those who have gone though IVF." he didn't think my call was unwarranted. he was relieved to hear there was no bleeding or the pain was not cyclical or rhythmic. "take it easy for now and I will see you in 2 days."

well the fear has crept back in. hardcore irrational thinking. I feel "different" today. on some strange level the pain yesterday was reassuring - there was activity going on in there. now there is nothing. nothing but a sick and nervous stomach. what exactly was that cramping all about? I was incredibly stressed earlier that day. maybe it was my growing uterus. possibly round ligament pain. maybe it was a leftover cyst. nobody can tell me. nobody but little one knows for sure. give a creative person a few things to mull over and the ideas and scenarios can be remarkable. some very bleak. of course.

b arrived home last night at 9 o'clock with a $75 ticket in hand. we live literally 2 miles from the hospital. he was pulled over for driving without his lights on. bastard cop. give the poor, exhausted guy who spends his entire life helping people a break! a much needed break. go pick on the neighbors down the block that sell drugs and participate in illegal (key word) dog fighting. earlier I got verbally assaulted AGAIN by the ornery tree killing bully. because I have a dog it must be me, and only me, who doesn't scoop the poop. for the record, I DO clean up after lulu (in her pink ruffled collar) and I DON'T appreciate this repeated, high volume abuse. I warn you. don't piss off a hormonally charged, anxiety ridden, highly emotional pregnant lady! who knows what I am capable of.

I feel the universe is not on our side these days and this scares me. little one is the size of a small plum right now. a little something I so dearly want to keep.

positive vibes. positive thoughts please. my u/s is only 26 hours away (and counting.)