not a whole lot to say... out loud. I had a mini meltdown yesterday. or I should say, a standard sized meltdown with the added bonus of tears. it was my mother's birthday and I truly felt like hell. it STILL feels like yesterday when she passed away. she's really been on my mind a lot lately, my mom, as I venture into this unknown territory called motherhood. b got home "early" from work and took me out for indian food. nothing like tandoori shrimp and nan to clear one's head -- if only temporarily. I confessed that I was having a "difficult time these days." I'm visibly distracted and I cannot focus on anything for the life of me. I cannot sit through a movie, knit more than 1 row, read a magazine (never mind a book), work AND be productive, or even do laundry. everything is done in tiny shifts. take clothes out of dryer. fold them 6 days later. it's not like me.
my friend's baby is still in hospital. I fret about him and his newborn son terribly. can you believe I have enough worry left in me to spread around? to share with others? I'm losing weight. insomnia is back. bollocks! I just took part in a yale study ($80!) addressing stress and pregnancy. oh come on! this study was written for me! -- so I thought. when the final results are released my photo should be included. IF poster child takes on new role as prenatal stress spokesmodel.
well this study was clearly written by fertiles. there was not 1 (ONE!) mention of stress related to pregnancy. all the stresses had to do with finances, suffering some sort of loss, experiencing heroin withdrawal (no joke), blah blah blah. when the interviewer asked me specifically about my stress there was no category for me. pregnant (a one shot deal) after multiple IVFs, high m/c rate, subchorionic bleed, high risk 1st trimester screen. my worries didn't count. weren't valid. I needed to have survived a horrific tornado or gone through foreclosure in order to have suffered stress. fuck that.
the interviewer felt my pain though. she repeatedly shook her head and paused her tape recorder to offer kind and comforting words (off the record of course.) she "got it." she understood my weariness. my fears. afterwards we drank some tea and chatted more about my IF journey. she was genuinely interested. "oh, honey. you've been through a lot."
"I guess. thank you."