31 December 2008

sad news

sad for me.

we finally had our meeting with the cranial specialists. virginia was diagnosed with plagiocephaly. the flatness on the left side of her head is affecting her ear (shifting forward) and eye (facial asymmetry.) she was measured and photographed repeatedly for her custom designed helmet. because she is growing so quickly she starts treatment next week. we tried at-home positional therapy and it obviously didn't work. I am having a fit.

ginny has always favored the left side of her head. we're told that most likely this started in-utero. sleeping on her back (as you know, to avoid SIDS) has only added to the problem. we are instructed to do physical therapy as well to help strengthen the muscles in the right side of her neck. she hates it! tummy time is usually a battle with lots of tears. we have a lot of work to do.

in the meantime I will join (yet another) online group for support. the therapist suggested we do so to "talk" with other parents. ginny is expected to sport the helmet for at least 2 months, 23 hours a day. we will see the specialist once a week for adjustments. it's a 45 minute drive each way. shit. nothing is easy. but after extreme infertility, an anxious pregnancy, HORRIFIC labor and delivery, hospitalization for jaundice, episiotomy incontinence, seriously infected nipples, never ending UTIs, a bout of colic, breastfeeding "gone wrong," and single parenthood, why should anything be easy?

if anyone has any experience with plagiocephaly I'd love to hear your story. in the meantime we will have to take tons of pictures of our beautiful ginny with those sweet, wispy locks.

24 December 2008

happy happy!

wishing everyone a very joyous and healthy new year filled with love, hope and miracles!

happy holidays!

-p, b, and baby v
(and lulu doggie)

23 December 2008

yes virginia, there is a santa claus.

you knew this post was coming!

and yes virginia, santa does take lunch -- a break between 1:00 and 2:00. we learned this the hard way when we arrived at 2:05 at the worst mall in america. we strolled around for 50 minutes trying to find one decent store to browse in. nothing. even the food court sucked. so by 2:00, ginny (with a terrible cold -- note: runny nose and drooly mouth) had had it. enough.

it was touch and go with santa. she was on the cusp of full blown tears when this photo was taken. her mother was on the cusp of full blown tears when the idiotic woman in front of her insisted on having a redo of her kid's portrait. she sucked up an additional 10 minutes of santa's precious time. I guess she didn't notice the 75 stressed out adults with crying infants and squirmy toddlers waiting in line.

but santa was awesome! so authentic with his thick, white (and very real) beard, big belly and rosy cheeks. however his southern accent really caught me off guard. who knows. maybe he moved his wife, elves and entire operation down to the south pole where it's warm and sunny. whatever.

18 December 2008

18 december

I was sitting in the exact same spot as I am now. same chair. same desk. different client.
it was the same day. different year (2007.)
same tragic hairstyle. different weight (ohhhh. to be that weight again.)

it was sunny out. cold but pleasant.

I don't know what possessed me to do it. I was only 8dp3dt. I had family coming the next day. my beta was in 2 days. like they say, "ignorance is bliss."

but I had a whole stash left over. so I did it.


it was a cheap internet test. but there it was! an ever-so-subtle hint of the infamous second line. it was soooooo faint but I saw something. I felt like throwing up. those tests were crazy inexpensive so how trustworthy were they? was this some cruel evaporation line?

I couldn't take my eyes off it. was my brain playing tricks on me? I stared at it for hours. I'd put it down for a minute then pick it back up. I used natural light. I used the lights in the kitchen. I went to the front door (east light). I went to the back door (west light.)

I saw our UPS guy come down the driveway. I was moments away from asking him if he could see the second line. but I was too scared to hear his response. no doubt he would think I was insane. I didn't want him to ruin my moment. let me have this glorious time. it was nice (and so awkward) to feel hopeful.

I emailed a fellow T TTC buddy. she demanded that I test again. so off to walgreens I went. a million miles an hour. I got home and peed on the very popular and supposedly accurate FRER. I was shaking. I waited. and waited. and waited. and there it was...


fuck. I was crushed. I decided to keep this little secret to myself. my sister and nephew would be arriving in the morning and I didn't want to be upset and depressed. I decided to wait until the negative beta and then have my official devastated breakdown.

18 december 2007. history was about to be made.

10 December 2008

ginny's first photo

exactly one year ago today I had my less than stellar ET. it was a pretty terrible day to be honest. going in I felt defeated. in my heart I was convinced it was yet another failed cycle. only 4 eggs (total) retrieved. 3 embies after ICSI. 3 embies transferred -- 5, 8, and 10 cell. AND another car accident. talk about adding insult to injury.

as I look back at this photo I wonder which one is ginny. I think about the other two. sisters? brothers? one of each? I have to admit, it makes me a little sad.

but look at what this tiny cluster of cells has turned into. the love of my life. I will forever and ever be grateful to my hero (dr d) at cornell. he didn't "fire me" like that other clinic. he gave me a tiny bit of hope that "it" could possibly work. the end result is looking at me right now with chubby cheeks and a giant, drooly smile. beautiful.

09 December 2008

a fresh start

it's time for a new (and much improved) title.

(see above)

08 December 2008

100 day birthday

supposedly this is big in the korean culture. who knows...

poor little ginny had to wear this tragic (size 12 months) "pimp" coat from his mother (b said it, not me!) for all the photos. 100 days does not = 12 months.

the raisins on the massive 30 lb rice cake spell out congratulations 100 days. now my entire freezer is filled to capacity with leftovers that taste like absolutely nothing.

oh christmas tree oh christmas tree...

ginny's first christmas. I love it! too bad mama looks like santa -- BIG and FAT!