30 May 2008

p's favorite things - 27 weeks!

every friday I will post something that I have encountered and really cannot "live without" these days. hey, if oprah can do it.

today, 30 may 08, the favorite thing is...

the lady grace bra extender. woo hooo!

pre-IVF(s) I was sporting the 34 A bra. now I am busting out of a 36 C. amazing. who would have thought? the bra extender is awesome because as my "girth" increases there is no need to buy yet even more larger bras. it comes in black, white and nude with 2, 3 or 4 hooks. and only $1.50 each! oh, the simple things in life that bring us joy (and comfort.)

a little update:
on a more serious note, I hope people don't think I'm miserable and complaining by my last post. I was simply stating that I'm textbook when it comes to some of the less than favorable pg symptoms. the reality is, right now I could not be happier. I am sooooo thrilled to be carrying little one around in my belly. what a miracle! what a blessing! all the bloody noses and bouts of constipation are totally worth it.

but the 3 am leg cramps and sciatica can go :::whining just a wee bit:::

28 May 2008


of course the moment NaComLeavMo begins I start by writing the most depressing and unhappy post imaginable. go figure.

well today is a new day. I'm feeling ever so slightly better and that's only because I am distracted and swamped with work. a good project (2 actually) means $$ which means some time off when little one arrives -- 3 months TODAY! it's hard to imagine that on 28 august I could literally be meeting our miracle baby for the very first time. it would be so amazing if m is around to see his new grandchild. and hopefully I will be over my disappointment and frustration with b by then. hopefully.

my role as an IF poster child/IF poster couple has been transfered to one of "WTEWYE" spokesperson. I'm accumulating and enjoying every classic less than desirable pg symptom in the book. aside from the blazing sciatica, bloody nose, swollen (and unrecognizable) ankles, constant peeing, crazy fatigue, difficulty sleeping etc, etc, I am now experiencing the joy of late night leg cramps. in other words, pain that wakes you unexpectedly and makes you want to scream your head off and vomit. "here comes tubby! not just slow and gimpy with back pain, but now with a serious limp." I had a meeting in nyc yesterday and it took me twice as long to get to my client. a sluggish, out of breath, lopsided waddle down 5th avenue -- not pretty. it was hot and humid. a sluggish, out of breath, lopsided waddle WHILE sweating with crazed hair -- even more not pretty.

so what's next? hemorrhoids? gestational diabetes? varicose veins? skin tags? (ewwww) loss of bladder control? we can only hope.

26 May 2008

a different kind of struggle

I'm living in fear... yet again. my stomach tightens and I go into a total panic every time the phone rings. I'm afraid of those terrifying words nobody wants to hear.

leaving maine yesterday hurt terribly. I've made "that" trip soooo many times before -- with my mom. with my dad. you say goodbye to a loved one dying of cancer and you wonder if you will ever see them again. you drive slowly down the driveway with tears streaming down your face. it's a haunting image in the rear view mirror -- a frail, wisp of a person, all teary eyed, watching you leave them.

I drove 60-65 mph in a haze all the way "home." I stopped at every rest area to kill time and get some sciatic relief. I hate new haven. I hate the fact that I have to spend money (that we don't have) on a new alarm system because we live surrounded by constant crime. I am not happy with b. he is terrible support. at this point point I'd much rather be alone than deal with his shitty skills during a crisis. he only gets in the way and frustrates me. I blame his crappy upbringing. I blame his fucking hideous mother the most. I'm afraid the boy is incapable of offering any substantial comfort. I gather in medicine they train you to be all about the facts. keep your distance and do not get involved emotionally. "snap out of it! you're home is NOT part of the hospital ICU! there is so much more to life (our life) than a fucking self absorbed career in surgery. it's not always about you and your arrogant dreams to be the best in robotic cardiac surgery. you have a wife who is hurting and little one (YOUR baby) is due in a few short months. I've said it before. please get your priorities straight. show me the heart doctor actually has a heart of his own." for better or for worse. in sickness and in health.

"and tell your mother to get off her high horse and her close-minded little head out of the bible and send her one and only daughter-in-law a simple $1.25 birthday card! it's time she acknowledged me in a way that is not hurtful or mean."

yes, I'm having a genuinely bad day. I'm upset by all that is going on. pregnancy hormones are not to be blamed.

23 May 2008

mixed emotions

26 weeks today! WOW! only 98 more days to go. NINETY EIGHT!

"things" are not so good up here today. I leave tomorrow and this scares me. m told me last night that he is ready to go to bed and die but he will try to stick around for the baby. what do you say to that?! how do you respond aside from tears?

many apologies. I haven't been able to follow the stories and daily escapades of all my fellow bloggers. I'm just in such a state right now. I've not logged onto my favorite IF message boards in a week. I have nothing to say. I cannot muster the energy to offer advice or support to "high fsh help needed!" or "is this beta too low?" or "which crib set do you prefer?" in time I will catch up and be back in touch.

thank you for all the kind thoughts and words of support.

22 May 2008



my home. there is no place anywhere that is more special to me. this is where I grew up. I've witnessed some wicked storms here. I stood in this very spot and got married to b. I've attempted to swim in the cold waters off these rocks. I've enjoyed so many memorable family holidays and lobster feasts here. I've spent hours and hours sitting on this lawn mesmerized by the waves or looking at the stars. my mom passed away here.

my home.

it pains me that little one will never experience this cherished spot like all my nephews once did. I can only hope he or she will get to meet his or her grandfather. this upsets me terribly.

21 May 2008

cradle robber

we were dating. david and I. we found ourselves stranded on a median in the middle of a busy highway. he was holding my hand. sooooo cute as he looked at me and smiled. we were running very late but it didn't really matter.

we finally met up with ryan, our driver. simon was there as well in the front seat. they picked us up in an old school station wagon with the fake wood paneling on the side. off we drove to a boston T station. we had to get to the makeup studio before the show started. david wanted to use the same people that do the makeup for the cast of entourage. we arrived at the green line station but we didn't have any tokens and couldn't find the rib eye(?) stop. but we were happy. it was ok.

I couldn't believe he chose me to date when he has so many adoring fans -- so young, so pretty and not so large and pregnant. I was dating a famous person and he looked adorable! nice job p!

ok, take it easy mrs robinson! yikes.

as "happy" as I am to be home visiting and sleeping in the secure bed I grew up in, I'm exhausted. the stress and sadness I feel with m's dx is draining. every meal is a struggle as I try to get him to eat... something! anything! we all know a person cannot exist very long without any nutrition. boost has a high protein shake that m seems to "tolerate" in moderation. now drink up!

my dream of david cook was wrong on so many levels. the kid is only 25! but even in my real life I've always had a thing for musicians and I've dated enough of them (while awake and... conscious(?) maybe our "connection" had something to do with his brother who is sick with a brain tumor. my mom passed away from a brain tumor. in any case, dating a much younger semi-celeb was an innocent and refreshing departure from what is currently going on around me. my little escapade last night was an adventure. it felt good. I felt alive -- even though I was out cold.

19 May 2008

I spoke too soon

just last week I posted about a strange and foreign feeling I had been experiencing lately -- happiness. I think I am (well, was) actually at peace for the first time in a long while. I even answered a poll on a message board. "why do you feel blessed?"
1 - I can feel little one moving and kicking me as I write this
2 - I have an awesome family and everyone is healthy
3 - MIL lives far away (I couldn't resist.)

well that didn't last long. literally just a few days later I got a phone call from home. it was my stepfather. "hi m, how are you?"
"not so good."
"what's wrong?"
"I have inoperable liver cancer that has most likely has spread from my lungs."

Fuck! just in case that was not loud enough... FUCK!!!

here we go again. this will be my third (yes, THIRD) parent to die of cancer. watching a loved one suffer and slip away from this horrific disease is a terrible, heart wrenching experience. I'm so upset that it's hard to write about it at the moment. sorry.

so here I am now. home up in maine visiting my stepdad (who is down 15 lbs already.) I have RAGING sciatica (excruciating!) and can barely get around myself. it's incredibly frustrating because there is so much I can be doing and I feel completely useless and helpless.

I am not ready to go down this road... again! please tell me. educate me. how does one cope with watching a life slip away while trying grow and prepare for a new life? I'm sick over this.

happiness to helplessness and sadness in a few short days. godammit!

14 May 2008

it's still hard

I have a lovely client who is single (divorced) and just this past year suffered an early 2nd trimester m/c. she was thrilled to be pregnant (in her 40's) and had embraced the idea of being a single parent. when I got my bfp I was very hesitant to tell her about little one because I know how much she wants to be a mother. now every conversation I have with her I get sad. I know exactly how she feels and it breaks my heart.

I recognize names still struggling on the message boards. I continue to read a number of IF blogs. my heart aches and I often cry for those still "in the trenches." those all too familiar trenches are really horrible. I called them "home" for quite some time.

I may have a fab diaper bag, a half dozen cute as a button onesies, tiny leather lobster shoes and a groovy crib on the way, but I am still infertile. every time I check in with my "buddies" on IVF connections or TTTC I get all anxious and occasionally feel sick to my stomach. it was not too long ago that I was spending 4 hours a day on a train (1/2 hour on subway, 20 minutes on foot) for a 10 second blood test and a 60 second u/s. those 4 IVF experiences are a HUGE part of who I am. yes, my belly is expanding and visibly moving about with our miracle "test tube baby" but my mind is still very much in menopur mode. follistim will forever be in my blood.

something very strange happened to me this weekend. I found myself crying while standing in line for a simple egg and tomato sandwich at the local deli. I had just left my prenatal yoga class (love it now!) and the weather was gorgeous. I stood there waiting for the roll to toast and the uncontrollable tears just came out of nowhere. then I realized what was going on -- all hormones aside -- and it became pretty clear. these were good tears. for the first time in a VERY long time I was feeling something that had eluded me for months and months. happiness. genuine joy. our IF had stripped me of pleasant thoughts and positive emotions. the challenging first trimester and genetic counseling horror had me living in total fear. but today was different. was this perennial black cloud finally starting to lift? :::smile:::

she never asks about the pregnancy. my client. I don't blame her. I know how terribly "it" hurts. even though I may be feeling... different, maybe even... happy (was that out loud?) it's still hard.

09 May 2008

24 weeks!

exactly 1 year ago I was doing the LH surge POAS jig gearing up for IVF #2. I was excited, nervous, hopeful, terrified... completely freaked out. well, we all know how that particular scenario ended up. had I known that 1 year later I would be 24 weeks pregnant the whole traumatic experience would have been entirely different -- like a dress rehearsal (with 2 more to follow.) they say life is all about the journey not the destination. in this case, I don't know about that.

I had a much anticipated ob appointment yesterday. of course cute dr f was not around (I even wore mascara dammit!) and I had a ridiculously short visit with dr surly. she sucks. I so look forward to my appointments. any chance to hear the h/b and talk about little one is still so thrilling for me. anyway, dr surly said my 20+ lb weight gain (gulp) was right on target and that little one is a very active one. "any questions?" "ummmm, I can't think of any at the moment." and she was gone.

so here is a shot of little one (I mean active one) from our fetal echo appointment at 22 weeks. we are so in love.

07 May 2008

playing hooky and lovin' it!

we couldn't help ourselves. the weather was absofrigginlutely spectacular. b was post call and NOT exhausted for a change (even though he only slept 1.5 hours the night before.)

I shut down my mac -- so sorry, the office is CLOSED! we took miss lulu to the beach. we sat outside at a cafe and had lunch in the sun. we went to ikea and struck gold! the changing table and wardrobe we wanted were listed as out of stock. but guess what? they were very much IN stock! got the furniture home and then off to the movies we went. brilliant! I think these pieces will look pretty groovy with the crib (which is en route btw.) so clean and simple AND affordable. we like that!

03 May 2008

babies and porn

I spent most of saturday researching and finalizing our final 3 crib choices. it's time to make a decision already. unfortunately my bible, baby bargains, hazed our favorite nursery collection giving it a pretty horrible review. booo! our second choice has major shipping issues and we would have to pay an additional $80 on top of the tax and standard S&H fees. too much. our third favorite is from walmart and b absolutely refuses to shop there simply because "it's walmart." back to square one.

I had to put a call into babiesRus because I wanted to know if it was possible to see a particular crib in a particular store. simple right? the website said contact 1.800toysrus. makes sense. then I noticed babyrus had its own direct number. cool. so I called.

the phone rang. a woman picked up. "mmmmm. hot, sweet phone p*ssy is dripping..."


I hung up and dialed the number again. "mmmmm. hot, sweet..."

that's a fine greeting from a store that sells nothing but newborn goods and toddler gear. nice. then I realized what I had done. I dialed 1.800 as opposed to 1.888. instead of boppy pillows and babybjorn I got an earful of cheap ($1.99 a minute?) nasty phone sex.

sooooo, in the end we found and fell in love with a completely different crib (complete with positive reviews, free shipping, no tax, and no unsolicited phone porn.) rock and roll!

and the winner is...

02 May 2008

down 5+ lbs

deflated and sick (again) in bed (dr's orders.)

little one and I are sporting a nice infection at the moment (sorry little one. my fault.) the coughing. the sneezing. my eyes ache. even my teeth hurt for crying out loud! and believe me, I've cried.

today is the first day I am up and about "functioning." I'm behind with work and our place is a disaster. b is also sickly (sorry b. my fault.)

when I first started to feel like total crap (in pic below) I of course called my favorite, dr f. the staff (they suck) said I needed to see a gp for a dx. when I explained that I didn't have a pcp, they gave me a few names to call. I proceeded to contact each and every dr but nobody could see me (as a new patient)... until june! "it's april people! I'm 22 weeks pregnant and very sick!" a few dumbasses suggested a local walk-in clinic. are you joking? I live in an incredibly sketchy part of town. god only knows what I/we could catch at my friendly neighborhood clinic. so here I am caught in the middle of medical no-man's land, 22 weeks pregnant and very sick, and nobody will see me.

the worst part is that I cannot take anything (kinda like drugs) for some relief! I literally wept while watching b enthusiastically sip theraflu. "GIVE ME A HIT!" no way. I was left to inhale a simple pot of boiled water with chamomile tea bags. lame.

hopefully now ((touch wood)) I am on the mend. time to eat much and plump back up!