19 May 2008

I spoke too soon

just last week I posted about a strange and foreign feeling I had been experiencing lately -- happiness. I think I am (well, was) actually at peace for the first time in a long while. I even answered a poll on a message board. "why do you feel blessed?"
1 - I can feel little one moving and kicking me as I write this
2 - I have an awesome family and everyone is healthy
3 - MIL lives far away (I couldn't resist.)

well that didn't last long. literally just a few days later I got a phone call from home. it was my stepfather. "hi m, how are you?"
"not so good."
"what's wrong?"
"I have inoperable liver cancer that has most likely has spread from my lungs."

Fuck! just in case that was not loud enough... FUCK!!!

here we go again. this will be my third (yes, THIRD) parent to die of cancer. watching a loved one suffer and slip away from this horrific disease is a terrible, heart wrenching experience. I'm so upset that it's hard to write about it at the moment. sorry.

so here I am now. home up in maine visiting my stepdad (who is down 15 lbs already.) I have RAGING sciatica (excruciating!) and can barely get around myself. it's incredibly frustrating because there is so much I can be doing and I feel completely useless and helpless.

I am not ready to go down this road... again! please tell me. educate me. how does one cope with watching a life slip away while trying grow and prepare for a new life? I'm sick over this.

happiness to helplessness and sadness in a few short days. godammit!


Sue said...

I'm so sorry about your stepfather's diagnosis. I work in oncology research and it sucks every time someone falls on the wrong side of the statistics. You and your family are in my thoughts.

nickoletta100 said...

OH P, you just can't get a break. This really sucks. I am so very sorry.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 15 weeks pregnant with twins after 7 IVF cycles, 7 IUI's, etc, and my once extremely healthy father has cancer all over over his body. Diagnosed two months ago. It's impossible to understand.

Erin said...

I am so sorry. I too have 4 parents, and it always seems like it's something. It's OK to still feel happy about your pregnancy. It doesn't take away from you being sad for your stepfather. Our emotions are complex that way.

Jill said...

I am so sorry to hear about your stepfather. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Portia P said...

I'm so so sorry. I watched my full of life, vital father die of cancer almost 5 years ago. It stinks.

My nephew - Daddy's granson was born just about 9 months later - and I took some comfort from that even though my Dad never even knew of his existence.
Sort of like a chain of life continuing.

I'm sure that's no comfort right now, but perhaps it will be.

Again, i'm so very sorry. xxx

AwkwardMoments said...

P- I am just saddened by this news. I am so sorry for your experience in this topic. I am sending you thoughts

DAVs said...

I am really sorry. I used to be a hospice nurse and I know how difficult this road is/will be. This may be way too soon, and I do not mean this to be offensive or overstepping bounds of random blog commenter, but consider hospice help sooner rather than later...it can be so very helpful to the family and to the patient, and can keep them at home where they can be where they want to be.
Hang in there.

Rachel Inbar said...

How horrible. He must feel very glad that you are there for him and happy to know that you have good things to look forward to.

and... I couldn't help laughing at #3 on your list of why you feel blessed :-)

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this (again!) just when you were finally feeling settled and happy.. it's just not fair :(

Aunt Becky said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry.

JJ said...

I am so very sorry about your stepfather-