18 June 2008

no words

m passed away from cancer very early tuesday morning. he was home surrounded by family and I am so grateful I was able to say goodbye. this amazing photo of a rainbow (literally right outside our door) was taken just hours after his passing.

you're at peace now m.
we love you and will miss you very, very much.
say hi to mom for us.

16 June 2008

scattered update

yes, it's been quite some time since my last post. thanks for all the concerned emails. I'm sorry I have no idea of what's going on with my fellow bloggers. or even what's happening in the world.

I'm feeling totally overwhelmed, upset and borderline out of control (on top of, of course, extreme exhaustion that I just cannot shake.) the tension headaches (something new and exciting this 3rd trimester) are a given every night.

m is dying. I've been in maine for a week doing my best to be as helpful and supportive as possible. it's hard work emotionally. he needs round the clock care/monitoring at this point. I had a major meltdown this weekend. lots and lots of tears. this being the third parent we've watch literally suffer and die of cancer, trying to be creative and work on a job, and having to put up with constant "benign(?)" jabs from a certain family member "...there are too many people in this world." "we are so glad we never had kids."

hello. I'm sitting right here. did you happen to notice my big belly? and no, I'm not trying to be difficult when I say I cannot eat swordfish because of the high mercury levels. when you spend over $40,000 on a baby and your ob says ABSOLUTELY NO SWORDFISH, you listen. and you listen hard.
"can you eat brownies?"
piss off.

I lost it.

I came back to charming new haven (my favorite place, wrong!) for a few days to pull myself together and give little one some quality attention and peace. I've been a terrible mother lately because of neglect. b is very concerned because he claims the baby is experiencing everything I am experiencing. the emotions and stress (tripled by pregnancy) are not healthy. he assured me that m would not die during the 2 days I am away. still, leaving was incredibly difficult and I do feel selfish for taking off.

it's quiet here. no calls from annoyed hospice workers. no tension so thick you can cut it with a butter knife. b is in chicago. I slept until 10:30 yesterday and napped on and off throughout the afternoon. it's just lulu, little one and me catching our breath and gearing up for tomorrow's journey back north to maine.

06 June 2008

p's favorite things - 28 weeks!

can I say it again? 28 weeks! 7 months! 3rd trimester!

today, 6 june 08, the 1st favorite thing is...

bio oil. this rules. I use it every day and it gives me amazing (non-greasy) relief from a tight, itchy belly. with a (ummmmm, almost) 30 lb weight gain I don't have one single stretch mark. not one! and with lavender, calendula and rosemary oils, it smells yummy too! burt's bees mama bee belly butter is another fave.

2nd favorite thing - cat naps.

I'm so lucky to work from home. every day around 2:30 I "rest my eyes" for 30 - 45 minutes. it's brilliant! all of a sudden I'm just so tired these days and a little mid afternoon snooze makes all the difference. I go back to work and I'm way more productive and clearheaded. yesterday I had about 20 men up on my roof ripping off and replacing shingles. it was crazy loud and unbelievably distracting. but tubby here had no problem dozing right through the destruction and hammering. between 2 - 2:30 I was out cold. ooooh! I love the nap.

05 June 2008

a light hearted and positive post

for a change.

I passed my GTT (glucose tolerance test) with "flying colors" according to cute dr f. hurray!

::: huge sigh of relief ::: that test was truly awful. after consuming that horrid drink (literally in between audible gags) I asked the nice blood lady if I could go get a paper. "no! you sit yourself right down and don't get up for the next hour." huh? "you're not leaving this office. if you move around you risk burning off all the sugar." so I sat and sat and sat, while thumbing though an early fall issue of cosmo. it's june.

as I watched the hands on the clock barely move the nausea set in. I needed fresh air. water. the crowded waiting room was hot. the woman screaming to her buddy in spanish for a half hour ("she's sitting right next to you!") certainly didn't help. but I did it. and I managed not to puke. well done p!

all vomit talk aside, little one's "nursery prints" arrived. I'll frame them up and hang them over the changing table. love em!

01 June 2008

a stims farewell

like I said before, it still isn't easy. on saturday I had lunch with a fellow infertile that I "met" on an IF message board. after multiple unsuccessful IUIs she is gearing up for her first IVF at cornell. she came to new haven because I had a tiny bit of chilled follistim sitting in my fridge and I offered her some of my leftovers. she has no IF insurance coverage at all and everything is totally OOP. I was more than happy to share and donate to a friend in need.

she is such a nice girl. I feel anxious for her as she prepares to begin this whole process called IVF. like it was yesterday, I remember how it felt -- IVF #1. I was terrified. I was excited. the syringes scared the shit out of me. the unknown was overwhelming. if only IVF came with a guarantee.

just talking with her brought back a lot of memories and emotions for me. god, I could not possibly handle being in that place again. all the traveling, the waiting, the stress, the side effects, the $$$, the isolation. four times was definitely enough for me. I had my fill. packing up the meds that had been such a huge part of my life for a year was almost therapeutic. why had I been holding onto them for so long? security? it was time that we parted. the fact I was helping out someone, a "cycle sista," felt great.

when I got home I had moments when I actually felt pangs of guilt for being one of the lucky ones. I am just so sad for j that she has to go through this. I am sad for all of those who are still shooting up daily and getting ready for the torture of the 2ww. it's not easy. maybe this guilt and sadness, on some level, is part of the reason why pregnancy after IF isn't so easy.

I'll be thinking about j as she ventures into her IVF. I'll also be thinking about all the other women getting ready for or currently going through an ART cycle. from deep in my heart I feel for each and every one of them. the fertile world can be a very cold and lonely place when undergoing treatments. I only wish there was more I could do.