31 May 2007

this is it

egg retrieval time. friday 7 am nyc. 4 follicles (if we are lucky.) but we got ourselves a full moon! I've put my fertility in the hands of the geniuses at cornell and the celestial calendar.

this week has been rough. dead tired and super weepy. those 7 am daily appointments in the city are exhausting. hike, train, subway, walk, board "spaceship," wait, bloodwork, wait, ultrasound, walk, subway, train, hike. then have breakfast and start my day.

I am not going to talk about my anxiety. 4 follicles is painfully disappointing. why won't my body respond to the meds? why, why, WHY?! women talk about producing 20 even 30 eggs and I am lucky if I have 4 for crying out loud. speaking of crying... my 6:30 am appointment this morning included a pre-op instructional class. there I was all teary while listening to the IVF nurse ramble on and on about medrol and tetracyclene. I couldn't hold back and had to look away. nobody else was crying. how come I have all the symptoms of my meds but they are not working?

last night was b's graduation dinner. 4 chief surgery residents were honored. I was so proud of b. he looked so cute and happy standing up front and having his photo taken. he had his wedding face on (and his wedding cufflinks.) the most amazing moment of the evening was when the chairman spoke to the residents. he talked about the hectic and very demanding life of a surgeon. he said to be mindful of the most important thing about surgery - "your family."

"your son will never come home from school one day and ask how many bowel resections you did that week."

I was practically sobbing.

25 May 2007

24 may 07

I survived. barely. after 210 miles on my subaru, no proper ac in the car, 3 sets of needles, a condo closing, holiday traffic on 95 in new haven, finding a tenant for broken lease, and a dreaded birthday, I was able to enjoy a glass of champagne and scrumptious chocolate cake (weighed down heavily with far too many candles.) man, I'm old. let me rephrase that. man, my eggs are old.

cornell called with some grim news. my u/s sheduled for today was switched for sunday. that sucks. this means my E2 is still low. we need to reach 200 before they consider checking out the progress (if any) of my ovaries. I think I feel a little cramping this morning. please please please! wake up dammit! you've got a job to do! even if I only have 1 simple follicle I am going for it. this is it. our only try. with that being said, I am having a giant piece of 7 layer chocolate cake for breakfast. a layer celebrating each healthy, 8-cell embryo that we are going to have next week. now THAT would be a fantastic birthday gift.

we can only hope.

23 May 2007


I am sooooo tired all of the time now. sleepidy sleep sleeps. I wasted a beautiful sunday afternoon being unconscious on our fantastic new sheets. although I don't even feel like I have slept at all. it's crazy. my acupuncturist blames my high dose of meds and I really need to listen to what my body is telling me. my ovaries are working hard at the moment and I need the rest. all I have to say in return is that they better deliver this time.

how does one rest while working, packing to move, traveling to daily appointments, trying to rent current apartment, trying to avoid lawsuit from current landlord because of broken lease, dealing with contractor, and fighting with idiot mortgage broker and his idiotic staff. all by my lonesome. I thought marriage was a partnership? I guess it would be difficult for b to battle it out with bully landlord while trying to cut out a chunk of someone's lung. that's what was on his plate today. lung chunk removal. nice.

tomorrow is closing day. after 1 1/2 hour round trip to RE for 1 minute of b/w we will head up 1 1/2 hour north to new haven for the final walk thru and official signing of the sales contract. man, just thinking about that is exhausting. ((yawn))

19 May 2007

two words. wow!


wow! my FSH is 2.7! thank you estrogen patches AND wheatgrass!

wow! cornell is where it's at! I had my first appointment there this morning at 7 am. nothing like waking up at 4:15 on a saturday, showering, walking the dogs, and treking into manhattan in the dark. the train was packed though. some guy was actually hitting on me at 6 am. how weird is that? little did he know that I was on my way to a (not a, "THE") fertility clinic. "hi, nice to meet you. I'm on a mission now to get knocked up. beat it."

it was like a spaceship. the place was super high-tech and impeccably designed. there are computers in every room. my exam and u/s results were input by a nurse in real time at a keyboard by my feet. the RE knew all about me right off the bat. unlike the "other place" that didn't know about my missing tubes and scheduled me for an IUI. dopes. the most impressive thing is that I finally have a doctor that has an area in the exam room to place my clothes and expensive bag that I cannot afford. what a concept! a spot for your belongings!

and... everyone was pleasant and nice. another shocker. the place was spotless. AND all the magazine were current. dr k had only one issue of people magazine that I was forced to suffer through every time I was there (If you were lucky enough to snag it.) it was the golden globes issue from january. that should have been a big old red flag.

I always chuckle now when the nurse calls out my name in the waiting room. "mrs w?" (I now sport a korean surname since my nuptuals last september.) people are always a tad bit shocked when tall blondie stands up. it makes me think of that seinfeld episode when jerry meets donna chang over the phone. he gets all excited about the idea of dating an asian woman but is disappointed when a nice caucasian girl shows up. the inevitable double-takes from the nursing staff are comical.

16 May 2007

and the results are in (not idol related)

blahhh. I am now existing with a constant low-grade nausea. b thinks it's caused by the meds as well as the lack of meds (aka antidepressant withdrawal.) I feel very out of sorts and it's difficult to stay focused. my work these days has been suffering big time. I wish I could be honest with my clients. yeah right. "I'm so sorry I spelled the brand name wrong on the packaging. kindly keep in mind those three simple letters I taught you. I, V, F ."

and I cannot button my pants. bloat, injection soreness, and the fear of a dislocated patch. it's nice to be able to work from home in my undies. unattractive, but nice. "hark! is that the doorbell?"

b had his follow-up with dr urologist. come to find out he has a genentic disorder that is affecting his swimmers. it is something that he would no doubt pass down to our son if we were to have one. this concerns dr urologist and he is suggesting PGD, heavily. any son of ours would most likely be completely infertile. with PGD they would only select girl embryos to tranfer. well you know what? that's not going to happen. at this point we don't even know if I will respond to my new and improved protocol and get any eggs to fertilize. these people are talking about poking around and editing our embryos. we decided if the genetic issues were more "serious" we would consider continuing the conversation. this whole thing sucks but there is no guarantee a son would be 100% infertile. like anything IVF related, there are no guarantees.

14 May 2007

mother's day

the pug surprised me with a decorative bag attached to his collar. "the kids" got me a cute (and very small) pajama set and a card with a photo of a dog apologizing for being a pain in the ass. it couldn't be more appropriate -- the card that is. it's nice to think that DH imagines me as a tiny person. it's sweet but not very perceptive. for dinner he took me out for thai food. hey! where did he get that extra cash?

aside from the generous gifts and fantastic weather the day was a little sad. of course it was sad. there were mothers everywhere! but in my case, my mom has passed away, the infertility treatments failed me and b's mom hates me. "mom" is a very sensitive subject around here. why can't there be a day to celebrate those who are trying with all their power to be mothers? "infertile's day." a day to recognize those who are unhappy and struggling with the heartache, all the waiting, the hormonal assaults! shit! we have a secretary's day! it's the infertiles that live in silence and isolation that really need a kind note or tulips to show support (and of course a pleasant meal out.) I can see it now. hallmark. "to my lovely wife. thanks for shooting up twice a day and tolerating the unpleasant bloating and all the menopur inspired breakdowns. Happy Infertile's Day! love ya!"

we're off and running! actually, it's more like a slow, lumbering stroll when you have a french bulldog in tow. I applied my first estrogen patch yesterday, mother's day, for IVF #2. my ganirelix injections begin tonight at 7 pm. dr s took me off my antidepressant. oh, joy.

10 May 2007

what a day!

woke up this morning and my car was dead. crap. b and I tried to jump start it (thank god he was post call) and of course that didn't work. I'll say it again, crap. b asked about the amount of gas I had in the tank. I had to confess that I had been driving around all day yesterday on empty. dead car. my fault.

we filled up the neon plastic container at the local station. I went out of my way to not go to exxon. I am still furious with them for not taking responsibility for the valdez oil spill years ago. selfish bastards. despicable company.

while the attendant was getting us our change the guy next to us proceeded to drive away with the hose still in his car. everyone started screaming and the guy kept on going and tore the hose right out of the machine. what a boob.

even with $8.92 worth of gas in the car it still would not start. we finally got it running after we jumped it a second time. whew. finally. I then raced off to acupuncture at top speed.

my session was rudely interupted by a call from my RE. we talked about her IVF nurse repeatedly not getting the correct information to me. it either comes too late or not at all. you really have to be on top of your own care with this one. I am pissed now because it is most likely too late for a co-culture. bad IVF nurse. BAD!

when I got to the pharmacy to finally pick up my meds that dumbass IVF nurse forgot to call in, I noticed my lights did not and could not go out on my car. ah hah! it wasn't the driving on empty. it's the lights!

"hi dan!" "HEY P!" I love my pharmacist. I wish he was my IVF nurse. I got all teary when he handed me not 1, but 2 bags of meds. I am getting that scared feeling all over again. scared of being terribly disappointed. scared of what might "not" happen.

I then called b in a panic. he made an emergency appointment at the new local subaru dealer. I had to see someone asap because if I turned my car off the battery would die again. come to find out, when I had my car washed yesterday, someone hit a hidden switch (that I didn't know existed) that turned on the lights. the subaru guy said he sees this everyday. I think subaru needs a bit of a redesign to address this everyday problem. duh.

I got home just in time to get my precious meds into the fridge. it was after all our first real hot and humid day. come to find out the ac in my car doesn't work. is there some sort of mysterious and hidden cooling switch I don't know about?

06 May 2007

smile for the camera!

I got the surge! twice! my luteinizing hormone surge that I have been patiently waiting for.


04 May 2007

the honest truth

I am completely irritated with DH right now. he is currently spending some "quality" time with his mother out in illinois. of course she had to comment (unfavorably) on the huge assortment of vitamins and herbs that b is traveling with. each bottle has its own role in helping produce more and better quality swimmers. there were a good 10 or so bottles packed in the suitcase.

"so what did your mom have to say about your situation and challenges?" I asked. "nothing. I didn't tell her."

brilliant. now his mother has one more reason to despise me. for god's sake! even if I was in tip top shape reproductively we would still being going down this IVF path. even if I produced 50 high quality eggs on my own each and every month, IVF with ICSI and AH would still be in our cards. NOW, I (me and only me) am the infertile one who cannot give the MIL grandchildren. thanks b, for making things clear in your mother's mind. thanks for adding fuel to the already blazing fire.

it is a terrible feeling knowing how much someone dislikes you. I am not from MIL's homeland and I cannot change that. I don't go to church and that's my choice. I have a hundred reasons not to have organized religion a part of my life. these crazed and extreme christians I believe are a problem in our country. b's mother made it rather clear to all her friends and family how much she was against me and ultimately our marriage. she told me that she would not love me until I started going to church. nice, casual, holiday chit chat at the dining room table. that thanksgiving I went insane preparing and cooking an entire meal for her and her family. I cooked a fucking turkey and I don't even eat meat! I did it for b and I did it for her out of respect. it's odd, when I was little and went to sunday school I don't recall jesus being so hateful and judgmental. I don't know what bible she's reading. it's that kind of distorted thinking that makes religion really undesirable and something to fear. she never gave me a chance to show that I am a good person and a loving and supportive wife to her son. I was doomed from the start because I don't pray before dinner.

so here I am now, damaged goods, broken, wrong yet again, and unable to produce a grandchild. I'm the one responsible. that's icing on the devil's foodcake. no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never be good enough or accepted. it sucks.

03 May 2007

jenny craig

I'm getting pudgy. gross.

I have strict orders to eat 3 meals a day and healthy snacks in between. before trouble TTC I very rarely ate lunch. sure, I would now and then nibble on a muffin or bagel after my 3 cups of morning coffee. I was also a fan of the occassional swiss cheese and tomato on a roll after knitting class. when I am deep into a project I tend to forget to eat. this explains the size small wedding dress (I'm 5' 8".) this explains my very low glucose level.

"food as medicine" is my new mantra. as if the daily wheatgrass is not brutal enough, I subject myself to a hearty whey protein shake made with rice milk. it's jam packed with frozen fruit, gary null's red stuff, flax seed, and an entire banana. I gag when it goes down with the fear it may come back up to haunt me. the last time I ate a banana was when I vomited all over my cousin's driveway in wisconsin right before going to church. I think I was 10. let's blame the banana/church association for the lack of religion in my life. yeah, that's it. the banana vomit.

in addition to eating CONSTANTLY, I swallow, no joke, 30 pills a day! thirty! sometimes 31 or 32 if I should have a headache from taking all those pills and shoving raw kale down my throat.

why can't my body function normally? I treat it now with complete and total respect. maybe it was all those late nights I spent in dive bars in the east village drinking pints and listening to firehose, the cult, alice in chains, depeche mode, pavement, the jam, tom waits, and yo la tengo on the jukebox. fond memories (from what I can remember.) youth -- I'm afraid I took my health for granted and I didn't really take good care of myself. another lesson learned too late in life. lesson # 15,782.

01 May 2007

ooo la la

man, is he cute or what? and so very sweet. he has beautiful dark skin and very, VERY light brown eyes. the kind that are hard to look at actually. I see him almost every single day at the bar. "the usual hun?" please. he gives me my shot and a slice of lemon. after I throw down the shot and torture myself with the lemon (YIKES) I sit and chat with him for a bit. he probably wonders what is wrong with me -- coming in every single day. he must think I have serious issues.

I do have serious issues. this infertility stuff is really getting to me. I am now back to POAS every day twice a day. I cannot risk missing my surge this month. the estrogen patches and ganirelex injections begin 10 days after the LH surge. IVF #2 officially starts at that point. here we go again. am I ready? is b ready to deal with the hormonal tears and mood swings? and I'm not just talking about him. maybe he should stay in chicago. I really miss him but I think he is safer there. I take that back. I need him here! shit, we have our closing coming up in a couple of weeks. we need to find a contractor. we need to gut and rebuild the bathroom. we need to clean and paint. we need to PACK! where the hell is he?

moving and IVF? god help me. I may just have to increase my daily wheatgrass habit at the juicebar because of all the stresses on the horizon. "the usual hun?" yes, please. but make it a double from now on.