28 March 2008

18w! holy crap!

the title says it all.

today will be a nice and lighthearted post (for a change.) I got a very sweet email from a friend who is SUPER thrilled that I'm pregnant. I'm always so touched by people's reactions to our news. I guess after 4 attempts at IVF, word gets around and our IF challenges become public knowledge. you can only hide for so long.

she went on to tell me that her young son had asked her where babies come from. she panicked and then immediately thought of me and a handful of other women that she knows. her response --

"through IVF, of course."

she's off the hook -- if only temporarily.

27 March 2008

such sadness

a fellow member on saIF (success after infertility) just lost her twins at 23 weeks. my heart is broken. she could use some very kind words and support right now. bustedbabymaker

26 March 2008


the amnio needle. that was one of THE worst experiences of my life. it hurt like a motherf*cker (excuse my language) and I came very close to fainting and/or puking.
NOW I'm bleeding. off to the ob for an emergency visit. b is late in picking me up.

fuck. fuck. fuck!

QUICK UPDATE: there is no "active bleeding" as of now (that my ob could see) and my cervix is closed nice and tight. I am still cramping though but it is not rhythmic which would be worrisome. I am ordered to stay off my feet for the next 2 days. ugh, more "bedrest."

I wouldn't wish an amnio on my worst enemy. more on that horrific experience later. now back to the couch I go.

21 March 2008

four hundred!

my BIL and I did a little math this morning over breakfast. we (or I should clarify) he figured I injected roughly 370 needles this past year. this includes 4 rounds of stims, PIO, and hcg. am I missing something? if you factor in the needles used for b/w then we are talking... um... 400+ syringes. damn.

even though I may have 400+ tiny holes in my body, there are no complaints. little one is COMPLETELY and TOTALLY worth each and every "ouch!"

18 March 2008

tuesday's disconnect

I'm in maine now -- the one place that brings me complete and total peace. I'm sitting here trying to type (all thumbs and terrible skills) while watching the huge waves stir up the atlantic. I can literally feel the house shake at times. it's very dramatic and beautiful. ohhh, and the salt air couldn't be better. it's glorious to be home! and lobster tonight!

I had a half of glass of pinot noir last night with dinner (first time since bfp). eeeeeek! am I a bad mother? dr f said I can "indulge in moderation" on occasion. being in maine is the perfect occasion. cheers!

I have a friend who lives in the apartment building in nyc that was hit by that infamous falling crane. he saw the entire disaster happen right outside his window! his neighbor's unit down the hall was totally destroyed. man, that was too close.

my integrated b/w results are in. we went from 1:170 for downs to 1:1500! FANTASTIC! :)

I bought a few super cute, super soft, gender neutral newborn outfits for little one today at the outlets. it was like "make-believe" shopping for such teeny tiny clothes. I met 1 pg woman and another with a 6 month old during my "saving" spree. I LOVE to talk about IF. I feel like my mission now is to educate all the fertiles out there about the joy of IVF. I think the concept initially scares people but so far everyone has been incredibly interested. you mention 4 IVFs and you suddenly turn into royalty. I could have shopped and chatted all morning. however, I'm still getting the "is this a gift for someone?" from 22 year old sales girls. NO you big dope! I know I'm old but this is for MY child. my miracle baby.

I lost 2 pounds this week.

I admit I caved last week and purchased the snoogle pg pillow. no, I don't look like the woman below smiling away while totally encased in a giant stuffed tube. in fact, it sat unopened in the corner of my bedroom for days while I contemplated introducing the massive thing to our bed. I'm still trying to "give it a go" but so far I'm not diggin' it. I find that sleeping on 4 pillows (practically sitting up) is most "comfortable." true comfort, I'm afraid, is only a memory.

little one (the size of a large pear or... ahem, a gerbil -- according to one popular pg book) should make his/her presence known in my belly any day now. I cannot wait for the tiny, bubbly kicks! but please, no more comparisons to rodents. that's nasty and wrong.

17 March 2008

please, little one, move!

you're sitting on my bladder! OY!

I drove 3 hours today and had to stop at EVERY rest area on the mass pike and 495 in order to pee... A tablespoon! it's hard enough at night to wrestle in and out of the ridiculous snoogle in order to get up again and again to pee next to nothing. dearest little one, I beg you, please move a bit to the left or right (or up or down) and give your mother a break. if it's this bad at 16w3d I cannot imagine what it will be like at 36w3d. wow. that's a lot of flushing.

14 March 2008

slumber police

wow. am I tired or what. I have not had a decent nights sleep since monday -- the day before I was instructed to change my sleeping ways.

I am a HUGE back sleeper. big fan. but sadly, no more. at week 16 you are no longer allowed to sleep on your back because this position puts added pressure on the aorta and vena cava. you risk cutting off blood flow to the baby. what a scary thought.

so now each and every night I struggle (literally) to get comfy on my side. not happening. I have tried the strategic propping of assorted pillows. not working. my shoulders get sore and my arms fall asleep. I inevitably end up on my back and officer teeth grinder next to me makes sure I roll onto my side. I toss and turn until I have to get up and pee. then I toss and turn more until the next pee.

this is unfortunate because lately sleeping is my MOST favorite activity. love it and cannot get enough of it. what used to bring me so much joy now results in anxiety and... unrest. I have searched high and low for a clever solution for my issue. sure, there are a number of awkwardly designed pregnancy pillows out there -- boopies, snoggles... "english please!" many of these are human-sized, stuffed monstrosities that require their own bed. I really don't feel like adding another body to our already overcrowded sleeping ensemble (thanks lulu.) one obscene design actually requires wrestling moves in order to use it. physical battle with a pillow does not promote restful sleep.

it's hard enough not drinking coffee in the morning or enjoying a nice glass of sauvignon blanc with dinner. I am constantly tempted by an everpresent starbucks. now back sleeping is one of those forbidden pregnancy things. who would have thought? this morning I indulged for about 10 minutes. it was glorious! flat on my back while b took his shower. I felt comfortable for the first time in hours. comfortable... but guilty. like I had just polished off a hefty frozen margherita with salt.

11 March 2008

a few disjointed thoughts for a tuesday

I never celebrated my blog anniversary (blogversary or something.) I've been misspelling words (grammatical errors aplenty!) bitching and moaning, and torturing a few unlucky readers now for 1 year, 1 month and 11 days. wow. that's quite a commitment for me. I usually become disinterested and bored with my projects -- and there are many. this explains the unfinished handknit sweater(s) stored in my basement.

speaking of knitting. I have spent the last 2 weeks designing my own "heirloom" baby blanket. I did a couple of test gauges and finally committed to a size, color and pretty groovy pattern that I created on my own. I'm excited. it will be most challenging and unfortunately, slow-going. who knows how it will actually look in the end. I cast on 168 stitches and I figure if I knit 2 rows a night I will be done by the time little one arrives. good lord. what have I gotten myself into?

I realized I tolerated(?) 76 PIO injections with this pregnancy. that is 38 1.5" shots in each cheek. you know my ass is STILL sore from all those bloody needles.

little one is roughly 4 1/2 inches now, about the size of a grapefruit.

I've gained 10 lbs! I now weigh more than b! "the shrinking skeleton" does NOT eat at hospital -- and we all know how many hours a week he spends there. not good.

little one... I think... is a boy. I believe I saw a little something during my last u/s. b and I finally agreed to not find out the sex if at all possible. call me old fashioned (we all know I'm old.) I just love the idea of this AMAZING surprise coming in august. it's also illegal in korea to find out the sex of a baby until it is born. contrary to what b's mother thinks, we don't live in korea so that's really beside the point.

this is korean for expectant mother. pretty cool!

09 March 2008

the dangers of spending money while saving money

so today I feel good... which scares me. I don't feel pregnant. I have a newfound energy and after a giant breakfast of eggs, toast, spinach salad and an odwalla juice I don't feel a morsel nauseated. uh oh. it's very odd. when I feel bad I feel "good." but when I feel good, I feel scared and/or bad. get it? oh, how the wacky mind of a nervous pregnant lady works.

yesterday I felt completely different. as a matter of fact, saturday goes down as a significant (and most memorable) day in the pregnancy journal (if I had such a thing.) I started to faint in a busy department store. oy. I was standing in a long line with my measly $11 purchase. everyone in front of me had at least 5-10 items. it was a damn good sale -- so many bargains. as I stood and waited that "oh so familiar" nausea appeared. I ended up awkwardly leaning on the counter for support as that "twinkly" lightheaded feeling started to set in. I actually asked the surly woman in front of me if I could possibly buy my one item before her as I was not feeling well. "please?" she looked at my belly. "go ahead. I've been there." she was visibly inconvenienced. I stumbled to the register where the cashier was ringing up item after item. I unstably held onto the counter with all my might. "where is the closest chair?" he looked at me. he looked alarmed. ummmm, over there by the entrance. are you... umm... ok?"


my rubber legs BARELY got me to the bench as I made my way grasping onto whatever was in my path. I was soaked with sweat and shaking as I threw my head between my knees. everything was spinning and looked like confetti and glitter -- but without the festivities. it was a VERY close call. I was moments away from fainting and unconsciousness. shit! that was scary! my fear was more about the actual fall to the ground -- and being alone. after about 15 minutes I slowly stood up (sweaty amex still in hand) and made my way back to the counter. this time it was the cashier, poor kid, who was looking rather peaked. he immediately stopped what he was doing (pissing everyone off) and rang me up. he was both overwhelmed and concerned. "I'm fine now, thanks very much."

nobody else in that giant line bothered to check on me or think twice if I was ok (or not.) I was obviously unwell. pregnant and unwell. nice. I'm afraid this is how our world works these days. and that sucks.

but I did get a good deal on a cute top.

07 March 2008

I'm back!

sort of. my locks (as thin and stringy as they are) are golden blonde again! whew! this was a long time coming. the wintery, drab, first trimester "don't color your hair!" mousiness is history and I feel good. b said " you're beautiful!" (I haven't heard those words in that order in quite some time.)

yesterday was fantastic! I shed my sweat pants and polar fleece uniform and donned an official maternity outfit (for the first time) and spent the day in nyc. even though it was very tiring, it felt good to be home. I met up with a great friend for a quick lunch and then spent the afternoon with one of my favorite people. w. (I'm so sorry he has to share that famous initial. nasty.) my w has been doing my hair since I first moved to brooklyn some 15 odd years ago. he has known me during most of my adult dating life. oh, the stories! he is such a joy to be around. my 1,374 strands of hair (oh, it's thin!) take almost 3 hours to do and we chat and giggle the entire time. when I first told him about b 6 years ago, I whispered in his ear "he's asian." he stopped dead in his tracks and stepped back a few feet away from my chair. silence. I was shocked at his response. he'd always been so supportive of my gentleman callers -- EVEN when they didn't have jobs. or drank too much guinness. or both. so what the hell?! after a bit of awkwardness he apologized and confessed he was a tiny bit caught off guard to hear I was seeing someone... "who's EIGHTY!"

good times.
and always, good hair.

04 March 2008


not a whole lot to say... out loud. I had a mini meltdown yesterday. or I should say, a standard sized meltdown with the added bonus of tears. it was my mother's birthday and I truly felt like hell. it STILL feels like yesterday when she passed away. she's really been on my mind a lot lately, my mom, as I venture into this unknown territory called motherhood. b got home "early" from work and took me out for indian food. nothing like tandoori shrimp and nan to clear one's head -- if only temporarily. I confessed that I was having a "difficult time these days." I'm visibly distracted and I cannot focus on anything for the life of me. I cannot sit through a movie, knit more than 1 row, read a magazine (never mind a book), work AND be productive, or even do laundry. everything is done in tiny shifts. take clothes out of dryer. fold them 6 days later. it's not like me.

my friend's baby is still in hospital. I fret about him and his newborn son terribly. can you believe I have enough worry left in me to spread around? to share with others? I'm losing weight. insomnia is back. bollocks! I just took part in a yale study ($80!) addressing stress and pregnancy. oh come on! this study was written for me! -- so I thought. when the final results are released my photo should be included. IF poster child takes on new role as prenatal stress spokesmodel.

well this study was clearly written by fertiles. there was not 1 (ONE!) mention of stress related to pregnancy. all the stresses had to do with finances, suffering some sort of loss, experiencing heroin withdrawal (no joke), blah blah blah. when the interviewer asked me specifically about my stress there was no category for me. pregnant (a one shot deal) after multiple IVFs, high m/c rate, subchorionic bleed, high risk 1st trimester screen. my worries didn't count. weren't valid. I needed to have survived a horrific tornado or gone through foreclosure in order to have suffered stress. fuck that.

the interviewer felt my pain though. she repeatedly shook her head and paused her tape recorder to offer kind and comforting words (off the record of course.) she "got it." she understood my weariness. my fears. afterwards we drank some tea and chatted more about my IF journey. she was genuinely interested. "oh, honey. you've been through a lot."
"I guess. thank you."