27 February 2007


some good news for a change. my mortgage broker just called and my credit report "is good." a tiny bit above average actually. this is fantastic considering I had my identity stolen way before it was cool. such the trend setter. I have been meaning to follow up with my credit score for a long time to see if there were any more "lingering" fraudulent accounts. it just seems like every single time I contact experian, equifax or transunion I go completely insane with frustration. trying to clear your name with angry creditors is a tedious and hideous task. a full time job. "honest! it was NOT ME who wrote a fake $120 check to Hobby Lobby in a suburb of chicago. I am NOT a fan of scrapbooking, artificial flower arranging or tie dye. yes I knit but the yarns they sell are crap!"

now DH and I can move forward in our search for a condo in new haven.
- face reality and come to terms with sketchy credit report. check.

26 February 2007

california vintage 1998 -- dry, nice.

with bad news comes the return of bad habits. red wine.

the stress of the "male factor" Dx and a missing husband with the "male factor" Dx has been overwhelming. I've welcomed the glass of pinot with open arms. it doesn't help when b's sister gave us a wine of the month club christmas gift. a bottle of red and a bottle of white. how rude of us to ignore her generosity.

when I think back at our amazing wedding I get pissed. a large part of the day was the traditional korean ceremony. fine. I agreed to the extravanganza (I have photos to prove it) out of respect for b and his family. I agreed to wear a tiny hat that cut off the bloodflow to my head and made my big ears more pronounced. I agreed to wear a puffy polyester petticoat and layer upon layer of other festive fabrics. my dress was beautiful don't get me wrong. what pains me is the part of the ceremony when the relatives throw fruit and nuts into my apron (supposedly representing our offspring.) "may you have triplet boys!" I catch every single nut lovingly (and purposefully) tossed at me. I was cursing everyone under my breath. "who the hell is going to take care of our 72 kids?! but please, more cranberries, I want a girl. I want to name her after my mother."

well, the fruit was rotten and the nuts were bad. I blame our infertility issues on the farmers.


24 February 2007

I told him

I am so upset this morning that I am drinking caffeinated coffee. I hit the starbucks hard!

DH finally came home. I don't think I saw him for about 3-4 days. he wanted to go out for sushi but I was too drained. too tired for yellowtail and spicy tuna. now that's bad! how do I tell him we now have a "male factor" to add to our list of problems. do I tell him the way the radiologist told me my Dx? "your tubes are blocked. you can never have children naturally. talk to your RE. good bye." so while sitting on the couch I just blurted it out. I really couldn't help it. "dr k called. you have bad sperm." he looked at me with a blank expression. after what seemed like forever he said "man, they are really making this difficult for us." I wanted to correct him and say "we are making this difficult for us." he did some thinking and then blamed his test results on his medications. RMA knows exactly what pills he is taking. not the problem.

our only chance now is ICSI. of course adding this a la carte to our ever growing wishlist from the IF treatment menu will cost us an additional $2,500. ah, heck! just give us the deluxe version! the gold standard! top of the line! we feel like being indulgent.

23 February 2007

the healing process?

it's "wicked" disgusting. when I took a shower this morning I noticed a hideous transformation around my belly button incision. what used to be a sunny and happy shade of yellow has turned into a full-blown black and blue bruise. now I have a screaming physical reminder of my dysfunctional anatomy. good thing I have AMA because if I were younger I might be tempted by the cropped tee. you see, I was blessed with a flat stomach. I was ironically blessed with child bearing hips. it would be nice to notice a big growing belly instead of a modern day infertility scarlet letter.

(there are actually some red tones in my bruising.)

one word


cute dr k is getting uglier by the moment. not only is it impossible to get in touch with him, when we do speak he only delivers bad news. why do I go to great lengths to track him down? b recently had all his tests done and the results are in. (((drum roll)))... "severe." this is the word dr k used when talking about his SA (sperm analysis.) low count. impaired motility. he would like b to see a urologist to rule out any underlying issues. so. now we are both defective. broken. our odds of conceiving unnaturally continue to decline. I no longer carry the burden of responsibilty in this horrific nightmare. we are a match made in heaven.

21 February 2007

paging Dr. DH

marriages break up over infertility.

I can understand why. the ever present undercurrent of disappointment, anxiety and unhappiness is palpable. DH and I can easily snap over the smallest of issues. I of course want him to be more attentive, compassionate and "cut me some slack here." I think people who work in medicine see patients as cases of sickness and disease. a mass of cells and tissue that come with a chart of test results. they cannot connect with their patients more than on a superficial level. you can't. there are too many of them. there's no time. that damn pager goes off constantly and calls come in at all hours of the day and night. it's nice when the mobile rings at 3:30 pm (like last night) and I have to wake b up because he is so tired he doesn't hear the ringing. "wake up. someone needs you."

now I am a patient. evidently DH is having a difficult time knowing how to handle my particular case. oh, it's a tricky one! yes, he understands the physiology of my problem but he visibly struggles with anything beyond the clinical data. the thing is with infertility, most of the "side effects" are emotional and also require delicate care. if I only had a laceration and needed two dozen stitches things would be ok.

16 February 2007

the lingo

while walking home (in frigid 16 degrees temperature) from my cranky morning dogwalk, I watched a woman pathetically try to parallel park. she obviously has never lived in mahattan. good lord! she had 100 feet in front and in back of her. over and over she tried. while watching (and chuckling, which I don't normally do in the morning because of the "cruel no caffeine rule") I noticed one of those ubiquitous, white, oval, european stickers on the back of her subaru. yes, she and I share the same car (mine's newer) and she's making it look bad! the sticker said "CM." in my circle "CM" means cervical mucus.

we constantly talk about CM on the TTC message boards like we are talking about the weather. "it's 16 degrees out and my CM..."

I guess it is possible to find some humor in this giant mess.

14 February 2007

where's the logic?

WOW. my belly is super crampy. I have had this pain for the last 2 days. should I be concerned?

I'd ask b but he is surrounded by serious illness all day every day. one of his patients just had a perforated bowel repaired after she was recovering from an ovarian cancer operation. this poor woman had recently gone through treatment for a cancerous brain tumor. it sounds terribly familiar.

I'd ask dr k. but he is too hard to get in touch with. you'd think spending $15,000 would guarantee excellent customer service. "can I please speak with your supervisor?"

why is it that when I had those sickly fallopian tubes I felt normal and fine? now that they are gone and out of my life, I feel like crap. total crap! shouldn't it be the other way around?

13 February 2007


the ring is staying.

I busted DH last night (2 days before valentine's day) trying to buy me jewelry online. he had 5 minutes (5:55 pm) to place his order and have guaranteed valentine's delivery. nice. I glanced over at him (5:57 pm) and it looked like he had a black and white image of an egg being injected with a needle. I swear! "ooooh. what is that?" I'm thinking WOW! he's finally showing some interest in all of this. "why are you so nosy? it's a necklace and it was supposed to be a gift." well it is now past 6 pm. you lose. actually, I lose.

the weirdest thing about this is that he didn't really look carefully at the design. I think it was a last minute (literally) frantic purchase. "what can I get for under $75?" anyway, it was circular pendant with an abstract pattern on it. come to find out, the design was the word "mom" repeated over and over and spelled out in different languages.

thanks for asking

I ran into someone yesterday on one of my 3 daily dog walks. I don't care for him right now. when he asked how I was feeling I mentioned some soreness and the constant achiness in my belly.

"why do you even want to have kids?" he thinks he's being funny. "you should just have more dogs. spend 30 bucks every month for food (not with the brands I buy), they love you unconditionally, you don't have to pay for higher education..." he went on and on. he then got started on his idiotic 35 year old nephew that STILL lives at home. yeah, no argument there. I agree the nephew is a stupid jackass, I met him. I also met both of his parents. I think they are even more annoying. whatever. this was an awkward, inappropriate and rather hurtful statement. did he notice I wasn't laughing? did he notice me walking away from him? I need to add this to my list of things NOT to say to someone TTC. #4 - "just get more dogs."
next time I'll keep my mouth shut and say "everything is fine. thanks for asking."

12 February 2007

the babysitter

how can I be the only one?! the only person in the vast nyc suburbs coping with IVF and having daily meltdowns. I can understand the lack of meltdowns but the IVF part? it would be so great to find just one other woman that I could chat with on occasion. "how are your injections this week?" "what is your estrogen level today?" maybe we could meet in person over a disgusting high protein whey shake. I have learned the hard way that the best "support" comes from individuals experiencing the same situation as you. when my mom was slowly dying of a cancerous brain tumor I found a lot of comfort in a weekly visit to Guilda's Club. there were some truly lovely people there. unfortunately we were all watching a loved one succumb to a hideous disease. sometimes I went for a 1/2 hour just to say hi to my friends. sometimes I talked for an hour straight. I wasn't the only one who could spontaniously burst into tears while waiting for the downtown #6 local train.

my RE recently offered an infertility support group. nobody signed up except me. how can I be the only one?!

while waiting in the check-out line the other day at trader joe's I noticed a youngish white woman with 2 asian babies. while I was pushing a cart filled with costly organic produce, vitamins, spelt bread, tofu and decaf coffee, she was pushing a stroller filled with assorted cans, cereal, juice, fruit and 2 little girls. I wanted to tap her on the shoulder. "excuse me. do you have infertility problems like me?" "I know you didn't give birth to those girls. did you adopt them?" "does your husband have a low sperm count?" "is it bad endometriosis?" "having tubal surgery sucks, I know." the poor woman was just shopping for her family. little did she know she had an infertile, highly emotional, stalker eyeing her every move. but, it's her! she's the other one!

after I watched her leave for the parking lot I got to thinking. that woman may just not be the mother of those girls. she was probably the nanny for some high-powered-lawyer-couple working in the city and living in rye. my hopes of meeting and relating to someone in my shoes quickly vanished in a minivan.

11 February 2007

introductory 0% fixed APR. No Annual Fee

why am I so tired these days? my surgery was over a week ago. is it residual anesthesia? I am just so sluggish no matter how much I sleep. it's most likely depression. the financial strain (in addition to the emotional turmoil) is really kicking in. fifteen thousand dollars is not even money anymore. I can't even imagine what that kind of cash looks like. is it the kind of money that fills a briefcase?

I do know that it is a 10% down payment of a $150,000 condominium in new haven. a home plastered in hideous metallic wallpaper and covered in nasty carpeting. it's paying off my subaru station wagon (oh, the irony) loan. it's being completely debt free. it's one hell of a piece of diamond jewelry!

$15,000 IVF should come with a guarantee. really! or if, god forbid, it doesn't work, the second time should cost only a couple hundred dollars. the clinic already knows you by then. I don't even blink twice when I write a weekly $125 check for fertility acupuncture. this is why we have credit cards. DH and I don't live an extravagant lifestyle by any means. what are we supposed to cut out of our living expenses? (aside from my new leather bag.) really! yes, organic groceries cost more but they're healthier and considerably more nutritious. the better prepared my body is physically, the greater chance of a succesful IVF. it is like the saying "you have to spend money in order to make money." or in my case, "you have to spend money in order to make baby."

09 February 2007


the ring is going back.
the bag is staying.

a thou g ht on desi gn (and grammar)

please, please, PLEASE do not think the layout of this site reflects my design style, sense of taste or creative vision. it is a generic format that's cumbersome and has limited options. it also does not come with an editor who knows how to spell and write sentences good. I mean well.

don't even get me started on the letterspacing. this reminds me of a story of a guy I dated years ago. his job was in production and he often created the mechanical files for my work. he was very skilled in what he did but his use of type was, on occasion, heavy handed. I stupidly told him one day that I appreciated his work but could he possibly be a little more "type sensitive?" good lord! you'd think I 'd attacked his character! we were together for many years and that particular term "type sensitive" came up again and again to haunt me. lesson learned? choose your words (and your typefaces) carefully and never bring up the subject of letterspacing!

post-op appointment

I met with dr k yesterday. he was very happy with the results of my surgery. good to hear. I mentioned some chronic soreness and tightness in my belly. he proceeded to beat me up because I was no longer, by choice, taking any pain medication. duh. I took 6 advil when I got home. I felt like a million bucks! actually, a tired 100,000 bucks.

dr k showed me these amazing photos of both my tubes. they made me squirm. he seemed impressed with his photography skills. my thought? stick with medicine. "normally I would give my patient their pictures but I would like to hold onto these." no argument there. "keep them! please! I told b about what I saw. "I would really like to have those." he tells me, clearly disappointed. I can see it now. nestled among my wedding photos and pictures of the dogs, my mom, my family, there it is. framed. my bilateral hydrosalpinx.

07 February 2007

no such thing as a coincidence

I am exhausted. my session with angela this morning was tiring -- physically and emotionally. I went to my appointment weepy to begin with and it was the first time driving since the operation. after our surgical chat she went on to tell me a story. she said how she was deeply moved when she heard my initial voicemail requesting an appointment for fertility acupuncture. her last client, literally, in california had struggled with IF for many years. she recalls their first visit together. "I am here hoping you can help me get pregnant. I want to have a girl and her name will be Patience." angela and the woman went through 2 rounds of IVF. the second one was "successful" but ended up as an ectopic pregnancy. over time, they went through 2 more cycles. angela then moved to new york to start a new practice. this past thanksgiving she received a call from napa valley. Patience was born.

up or down?

"it's all uphill from here." or is it "it's all downhill from here."?

I never quite understood this comment. I know the person saying this to me is being kind. but if you really think about it, going uphill can be difficult and tiring. it makes me think of an uphill battle.

going downhill doesn't sound optimistic or encouraging either. "man, she is going downhill rapidly!"

I think I prefer things on an even keel.

before I forget. did I tell you?

"dr k said he was pleased with the results. my uterus looks good!"
"I spoke with dr k earlier"
"my belly really hurt so I rang dr k"
"dr k said I should feel like I got hit by a car these next few days."
"did I tell you that I spoke with dr k?"
"dr k said I should take 800 mg ibuprofin between the codeine doses"
"I called dr k, did I mention that?"

05 February 2007

I repeat.

the last couple of days have been a big blur. no doubt I am annoying everyone with the same "conversation" over and over and over.

"my belly really hurt so I rang dr k"
"dr k said I should feel like I got hit by a car these next few days."
"did I tell you that I spoke with dr k?"
"dr k said I should take 800 mg ibuprofin between the codeine doses"
"I called dr k, did I mention that?"
"dr k said he was pleased with the results. my uterus looks good!"
"I spoke with dr k earlier"

04 February 2007

have patience, patient patience

having the name patience AND being in a hospital AND being married to a physician makes me want to change my name immediately.

after surgery I could hear b in the recovery room. "I am looking for patience." the nurses respond "which one? we have a lot of patients." that conversation was inevitable.

what do you think of the name "Mary?"

superbowl bar brawl

man oh man!

did I go out last night? was I at the celtic corner drinking pints of lager? did a fight break out between irrate football fans? I must have somehow got caught in the middle. I believe I was sucker-punched in the belly. or maybe someone repeatedly hit me with a 2"x 4".

oh, right. it was dr klein who did this to me. he's not so cute anymore.

it starts with a $5 bill and 3 singles

debit card transaction 1: begins with the purchase of a low budget basal thermometer from rite aid. – $8

I had the 6 am morning ritual of taking my temp and charting the results. the problem with the generic thermometer was that it wasn't reliable. I ended up splurging on a more sophisticated version which had a memory function AND it glowed. cool. – $14

debit card transaction 2: the fancy thermometer was not sufficient. I proceeded to purchase a single month OPK (ovulation prediction kit) from CVS. each day started with the temperature taking then POAS (peeing on a stick.) – $21

debit card transaction 3: saveontests.com. I placed a giant order of OPKs and HPTs. you can't beat the savings when buying in bulk. but really, who needs 7 dozen test strips? I subscribed to fertilityfriend.com (for a fee of course) to keep track of and analyze my CDs (cycle days.) – $55 and $16.95

debit card transaction 4: I moved on to the highly recommended CBEFM (Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor.) EVERYONE on BOTB (babies on the brain message board) gets pregnant the first month using it. I am psyched! not only does it detect the LH surge, it reveals your estrogen levels. now THAT sounds serious. I can't possibly "fail" now. I figure I'd rather spend our funds investing in high quality ovulation predictor devices instead of costly ART (assisted reproductive technology.) – $132 on ebay, NIB, plus 30 free test strips. BARGAIN!

bank loan 1: the surgery bill has not come in yet. big bucks no doubt.

bank loan 2: IVF invoice due on 23 feb 07. $9,215.00 plus $750 for anesthesia.

1/2 and 1/2 with no half and half

with total disregard to my previous post, I am drinking coffee and lovin' it! this is my first cup since last wednesday. today is sunday. the woman who works in admissions at the hospital had a giant starbucks cup next to her computer. in all seriousness, I offered her $5 for her coffee. she laughed. I was not joking. she probably wanted to keep it because it cost her a small fortune. $8 for coffee these days seems reasonable and quite the norm.

I am actually getting used to and enjoying my 1/2 decaf 1/2 reg coffee with the silk brand soymilk creamer. "NOW Smoother & Creamier!" I cannot begin to imagine what it was like before the improvement.

03 February 2007

a chinese proverb

"when the soil is well prepared, the harvest will be boutiful."

hence all the tofu, no coffee, brown rice, no sugar, eggs, no carbs, dark green vegetables, no dairy, raw almonds and no...

...no wine.

"when taking this medicine DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL

OR watch jewelry television."

these instructions need to be spelled out clearly on the little yellow sticker on my bottle of narcotics. in a drug induced haze I find myself very entertaind by qvc and shopnbc. where was DH last night when I picked up the phone to place my order? it's all his fault that I ended up purchasing a big yellow gold ring. what the??? it was on clearance so I guess I was a little lucid. after I placed my order, the southern gentleman asked me if I wanted to speak on-air. "no thank you. I just had surgery."

the pain! the pain!

it's been 2 days since my bilateral salpingectomy. not fun. I am "fine" (and very tired and very dopey) as long as my medications are working. once they wear off, ohhhh, excruciating knife-like PAIN! the kind of pain where you cannot move and it hurts to breath. all you can do is just hope the meds kick in quickly. I woke up at 5 am with multiple daggers in my belly. it took 1 HOUR (I repeat 1 HOUR) for my assorted pills to take effect. b was sound asleep, comfy cozy, grinding his teeth and snoring. I wanted to punch him in the back. I wanted him to suffer a little (not nice, I know.) the poor guy was post-call and sleep deprived BUT so what!

I am done for the day.