27 October 2007

blogfree week

whew. it's been a nutty week with a lot going on and super needy clients. 7 days when I didn't get a chance to post or read up on all my peeps. I have a lot of catching up to do.

reproductively, things have been slow. just tons of waiting. and waiting. what else is new? I do however have my co-culture appointment(s) scheduled. 14 and 15 november. the first day I give a TON of blood and the next morning I'll have the procedure. oh joy. it happens to coincide with b's 2 day conference in the city. we plan on spending one night at a hotel. woo hoo! like a little vacation! a little vacation where they take out a chunk of your uterus.


I started knitting again. that's big news. I'm working on giant needles with dense, chunky yarn. I need instant gratification.

I saved a dog! we rescued a stray off of a very busy street. he was literally running straight towards I 95 from downtown new haven. straight into the worst traffic one can imagine. after luring the poor puppy with a baguette -- bait, fresh sourdough bait, we got him safely into the car and to the local animal shelter. he had one blue eye and one brown eye. we called him bowie. he was beautiful! (and awfully stinky.) of course I wanted to keep him. we all know that's completely out of the question.


an old client of mine was arrested and thrown in jail. busted for printing fifties in the basement of his business. the cops found high end scanners and printers along with brand spankin' new bills. he claims he is innocent. yeah, ok. now did he pay me in cash? hmmmmm. I believe so.

our roof sprung a leak. twice.

oh! and

we made a major purchase for the apartment. something that has been needed for quite some time now (years actually) but we just couldn't commit. it's a huge financial and design investment. sure, we wanted knoll but spending $7,431 (free shipping) was not an option. I am a design snob with specifics in mind and a limited budget. we finally found a decent alternative I could live with (sort of) and bought it. I immediately called sister L and said, "I've just made your sister J very happy."
"really? what did you do?'
"come on. can't you guess?"
"no. we just bought a new sofa."

16 October 2007

dinner party meltdown


it was a very important gathering. I was meeting for the first time, b's chairman, his attendings and the fellow fellows (and all their wives.) our host (the chairman) will be operating on my nephew this winter. it was crucial that I "appear" charming and be extra polite. it was necessary to come across as happy, a pleasure to be around, and loving our new city. I had to make a good impression.

I felt "a little off" even before the party. none of my clothes fit! all my pants felt and looked like leggings. skin tight! all I needed was a polyester muumuu. I looked like shit (even though I was wearing the special eyeshadow.)

of course we got completely lost and arrived late. it was dark (I have no sense of direction once the sun sets.) when we finally got there everyone was joyously snacking on shrimp, laughing and drinking a festive pink cocktail. tequila I think.

the other fellows actually brought their young kids. they were beautiful. we all know the fellows make no money, but come on! collect your pennies people and hire a babysitter! please! for the sake of the infertiles!

"are your kids at home?" asks the perky wife with the super plunging neckline.
"no. we don't have any children."
"how do you like new haven?"
"ummm. it's ok. yeah, it's fine. but where we are located it is a little difficult to meet people. I really don't know anyone. yet."
"it's a shame you don't have kids. I have met so many great and interesting women through my daughter's play groups."


that's when it hit me. twice. 1- I don't, and may never have kids. 2- I'm missing what is necessary for me to meet great and interesting people (in this crappy town that everyone said I would love.) although I have met one great and interesting person on my own. square peg -- a fellow infertile. I like her very much but... she's MOVING away!

the uncontrollable tears came out of the blue and FAST. I excused myself and quickly got to the bathroom. I'm soooo hoping nobody noticed the official start of a genuine meltdown.

the evening was lovely. for everyone else. the food was outstanding and all the guests were incredibly nice. after dinner "the wives" and I sat in the kitchen and drank new zealand sauvignon blanc and chatted. unfortunately, 90% of the conversation was about day-care, sippy cups, and potty training. go figure. I had nothing to add. the wine was numbing. it felt good not to feel. I didn't feel infertile. I didn't feel like I had a dog at home dying of cancer(s.) I didn't feel all alone in a town full of college students. I didn't feel like I had a husband that is always taking care of someone else and is never home.

I felt nothing until I got home. and threw up.

11 October 2007

adding insult to injury

I'm considering writing a letter to CVS because of discrimination and blatant insensitivity. I drove to the pharmacy yesterday to buy some hydrocortisone cream to self-medicate my sickly rash. the parking lot was relatively empty and I chose a spot near the entrance. it was raining. I pulled in just to notice the large, blue, rectangular sign "EXPECTANT MOTHERS ONLY." Bollocks! I drove round and round feverishly looking for the sign that said "NASTY SKIN RASH PATRONS ONLY." no such luck.

this is the second time a "sign-assault" has happened to me. my first experience was at my local stop & shop. the sign screamed "PARKING FOR THOSE WITH INFANTS." in other words "BACK UP AND DRIVE AWAY INFERTILE!" or "YOU SUCK. YOU FAILED. SHOP SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

you'd think getting into your family friendly (how ironic) subaru station wagon and driving across town to get some organic rice milk, decaf coffee and paper towels would be simple -- an unemotional event. but no. I have to be reminded, yet again, of what I don't have. what I may never have. can't I just shop in peace? hey! I've recently experienced "acute emotional upset" (see previous post) and maybe I need a little care and consideration. or a nice place to park.

from now on it's walgreens. and trader joes.

10 October 2007

now what?!

I have a sickly skin condition. it's ugly and it's spreading. it started in the middle of the left side of my back and has been slowly creeping down and NOW over to my belly. a pattern of red, oddly shaped blotches. they are not "raised" and they don't itch. they are just... there.

b is perplexed. I noticed a small rash after my one and only "successful" IVF cycle. (success in terms of finally getting to ER and ET.) is it a reaction to the smorgasbord of IVF meds and vitamin supplements? the pio shots maybe? b went to his/our medical bookshelf (all my books are stored in the basement) and found some pretty interesting information. I was convinced I had ringworm just because it's so nasty and gross. or even the flesh eating disease. well, it's not ringworm and there's no flesh eating going on. it appears to be some kind of blah blah blah psoriasis. "manifestations of the condition can occur following infection or (get this) acute emotional upset." that's me! the one with the acute emotional upset!

so which upset exactly brought on the sickly skin condition? the move? the botched renovations? the rapidly growing dept? the rapidly growing weight? the multiple failed IVFs? the multiple canine cancers? I wonder. at this point I'm expecting total body coverage of the mysterious red welts.

b said to make an appointment with a dermatologist just to be on the safe side. no way! not now. with all of the time I have spent at cornell and at the oncologist's office I am NOT adding another physician to my life. until I start to scratch or the rash ventures to where the public can see it, I'm simply going to ignore the presence of the blah blah blah...whatever.

05 October 2007

to acupuncture or not?

I'm really struggling with this one. acupuncture was a significant part of my one and only ER (1 out of 3 attempts) so I am really considering adding it to my IVF #4 regimen -- wheat grass, whey protein shakes, 20 some odd vitamin supplements, no caffeine... the cost is what is holding me back. I just don't think we can swing it at the moment especially because our dog is so sick with cancer(s). do we continue to add to and inflate our IVF dept? do we suck it up and open up a new credit card? I need some advice here ladies (and you too (in)fertile frank.)

b had a long conversation the other night with his mother. I should clarify and say he had a long "listen" to his mother the other night. she went on and on and on about her acupuncturist... in chicago. she is adamant that we travel out there to see her. yeah, ok. are you paying?

silence. "our acupuncturist is great." b said.

long silence. "no, she is NOT korean."

silence. "she's trained and specializes in fertility."

extra long silence. "YES, I have met her and I like her a lot. she's taught us a great deal about nutrition, positive thinking and preparing for IVF emotionally."

here we have another shining example of her not accepting me or my choices. just because I don't see her acupuncturist mine must be bad. all wrong. I'm just so sick and tired of all her judgments. if I am unable to give her a biological grandchild it is because I didn't do it "the right way - her way."

so back to my predicament. do I spend the "extra" funds and go for the weekly needles? what to do. what to do.

03 October 2007

I'm back

and feeling pretty good. chilli had his chemo on wednesday and after I headed north home to maine for a few days. I have a nice little satellite office set up there, a big open yard for the dogs to roam, and nothing but ocean to look at (when not staring at my mac.) oh, and lobster. lots of it!

some friends were visiting the area from ny for a long weekend. b came up saturday night from ct and we had them over for a lobster/clam feast complete with martinis -- straight up with olives -- my friend's specialty. NOTHING beats sitting on the deck overlooking the atlantic watching the sky and water change colors with the sunset. after the lobster massacre we had defrosted wedding cake for dessert. fyi, frozen fondant is very similar to tupperware. shocking to us all, the cake was quite good. or maybe it was the champagne that our friends brought that made it taste so yummy. in keeping with the celebration, I sported my veil from last year (complete with festive ostrich feathers.) I loooved that veil. it's too bad I was only allowed to wear it for like 20 minutes at my own wedding. even with the IVF weight gain, the veil still fit!

so the salt air, sun, and beach did us good. I feel more optimistic and encouraged to start our next cycle and chilli is "side-effect-free." business is great (and relatively creative.) it's nice to be back and feeling good.

01 October 2007

the dream

I was back in college. I was in a familiar dorm room hanging out and chatting with 2 friends that I haven't thought of in years. literally years. it was actually quite nice to "see" them and visit for a bit. we had a lot of catching up to do. unlike me, they hadn't aged a morsel. those 1980's hairstyles were looking pretty current and rather hip.

I said I was having fertility issues and was going through IVF. I wanted to be open and honest with everyone. I was going to need some help with the dogs and had to explain the reason for my early morning (monitoring) trips to nyc from... syracuse!

"don't wait until your my age to start having children. it's so much harder when your eggs are old."

they were visibly flustered and bothered by my confession and clearly wanted nothing to do with me or my reproductive words of advice. wow.


I was upset and needed answers. I went to track down my roommate at the school of architecture. I found her sitting at a drafting table chatting with her husband and 2 kids. I told her about my conversation back at kimmel hall (the old dorm.) she started to explain why my friends were so disinterested. so incredibly cold.

and I woke up.