29 December 2009


it's awfully quiet around here these days.

I have a call into a professional speech therapist for ginny. at 16 months she is only "saying" (I use this word loosely) 1 word -- dog. or is it dug. when b comes home from hospital ginny gives him a giant smile and she points enthusiastically.
I hand her a hummus and whole wheat sandwich.
I get her tub ready.
it's getting to be a bit unsettling. I have a bunch of friends with children her age and they all have a growing collection of words. one little girl actually says "thank you." I'm not pushing for sentences here I'm simply looking for mama or apple or hi or even a proper dog. I should add that we do get the occasional "uh, oh."

I think her hearing is fine. she signs for milk (the cutest thing EVER!) and signals to brush her teeth. we go through hours of flashcards each day. appppple. cowwwww. flowwwwer. over and over again. nothing.
just "dug."

hopefully after the holiday season someone will call me back and we'll get ginny in to see the specialist. oh man. it's truly always something.

24 December 2009

happy happy!

wishing everyone a joyous new year!

I'm hoping things will settle down in early 2010 so I can find time to post. it's been NUTS! crazy NUTS!

08 November 2009

back from hiatus

WORK! and lots of it. like I was telling a friend - 2 days is the new 2 weeks. clients are now expecting these ridiculous creative turnarounds. it wasn't THAT long ago when I had time to think about a design project then sketch then execute. these days I barely have a (recycled) concept on my screen and the clients start ringing me up. "when can I see something?" bastards.

I was thinking the other night (major insomnia) about how super lucky b and I are with ginny in our life. first of all, how is it possible to have insomnia when you are dead tired? seriously? this little girl brings us such profound joy. just this morning I woke up in a crap and sour mood. sunday is, in theory, my morning to sleep in. but there was NO sleepin' in today or next sunday or the sunday after that because we have such a sucky mattress. your back can't tolerate anything past 8 am. how cruel! in my achy, grumpy state I was welcomed into the living room with a giant, sloppy, snotty nosed, open mouthed kiss for mumma. ahhhhh. the day is good!

even with such a beautiful miracle in our life this blog will continue to be an Infertility Blog. I dreamt on thursday night we were going to use DEs. in real life I'm not ruling that out. I'm also thinking a lot about adoption. once b finishes his training I hope to scream "piss of IF!" and continue on a different path to build our family. to be continued...

12 October 2009

09 October 2009


those shoes.

right now I'm freaking out for 3 very lovely ladies - 2 at cornell and one at ccrm. each is at a different stage of waiting and hoping in this IF bullshit. all of them have gone through multiple IVFs - a combined total close to 14. fuck! one has her DE beta on tuesday. one has her fresh cycle transfer on saturday. one is planning her uterine biopsies for her upcoming FET. each one has already been through so much. way TOO much for anyone. all 3 are living in limbo and that is a terrible way to exist. it's like you go through the motions of everyday life while holding your breath. you anticipate that moment. will it be incredibly joyful or another heartwrenching disappointment? it's full-on torture if you ask me. screw waterboarding (whatever that is.) IVF is a more effective method to induce pain and suffering.

please, please, PLEASE send extra special positive (specifically BFP) vibes and thoughts to CR, EB and AD. these strong ladies need all the support they can get. I have been in their shoes and it SUCKS horribly. not a day goes by that I forget "where I came from." if I'm not physically experiencing the shots and u/s and b/w etc., I'm living it again through so many (too many) wonderful and deserving women. I'm sad yet I'm full of hope. I want to cry tears of happiness for a change.

I'll say it agin. fuck you IF.

07 October 2009

2 turntables and a microphone

b has been working the dreaded nightshift again. when we don't see dada for a week this mama has no time to post. I'm still slowly nibbling away at my thank you notes list from ginny's birthday. "down time" is a luxury these days.

so I finally enrolled ginny in the much anticipated music class. after a lot of research I found an affordable option. dude, it's crazy to think that $245 is "affordable!" yes, it's a hike to get there. yes, it's more than PACKED. yes, it's filled with disinterested nannies and pushy moms. and yes, all the instruments are tired and/or broken. but $245 -- score!

ginny LOVED her trial class at the other place so I was very excited to find this deal. but guess what? she HATES it! today was class number 3 and she cried (full-on tears and major frown face) most of the time. a little boy pummeled her to the ground during a cure tune. seriously, who plays just like heaven in a class for toddlers? did I date this guy in college?

so after 45 minutes I packed up my very unhappy child and got the hell outta there. the little girl in polka dot tights, ruffled denim skirt and red puffy eyes. will we go back and try it again? I'm not so sure. like they say "3 strikes you're out!" all of a sudden $245 for 3 very disappointing classes doesn't seem like such a bargain.


30 September 2009

a "borrowed" post

we went to a fab birthday party (fellow cornell IVFer) last saturday and the very talented A took some really great shots. this post is stolen from becoming mom. cool!

21 September 2009

it pays to be social

and you pay BIG Time!

ginny and I went to our first official music class last week. it was a free trial and we (I) was curious to see what the hoopla was all about. first of all, it was a no nap day, we had some teething action going on (specifically molars,) and we were both a little "on the cranky side." the class was a few blocks away so what the hell. "let's give it a go!" if ginny had a complete meltdown we could easily be back in the apartment in the matter of minutes.

much to my surprise, my child could not have been happier. she squealed with delight playing all the instruments. she clapped and danced to all the singing (even her mother's.) ginny was the center of attention! she was the music together it girl!

I was sold. I had to sign up for classes asap. the weather is getting cooler and soon the park will be closed for the winter months. we have a little social butterfly on our hands so we must keep her active and entertained with kids her own age. and music is good!

good until you see the price -- $490! and that's CHEAP! cheap for the UES. the same exact class is offered in brooklyn for $185. just because we live in the most expensive neighborhood in the US (maybe the world) doesn't mean we have lots of money. on the contrary actually.

so my mission began. must. find. music class. for ginny.
oh, I found one. lots of them.

hands on... (all miniature instruments) - $560 + $35 yearly fee
... little birds (teaches elementary music theory) - $600 + $35 yearly fee
... maestros (complete with full live band) - $695!

are you friggin' kidding me?! all ginny really needs is a few friends, maybe a harmonica, a tambourine and a couple of drums. elementary music theory, my ass.


17 September 2009

holdin' down the fort

all by my lonesome. b had been away for almost 2 weeks. 1 week working the shitty night shift and the next he was in utah. man, I was so hoping he'd bring me home a wife! polygamy sounds pretty damn appealing these days. between nanny shopping and work there's been no time for posting. or knitting. or reading. or writing thank you notes (they're late!) or much of anything. but I do have a couple recent pics to share -
our sweet little miracle. the love and light of my life. I'm so flippin' lucky!

05 September 2009

we look the same

I guarantee one of your neighbors is infertile.

there we were. ginny's favorite swings at celebrity park. she literally squeals with delight and claps wildly when we enter the gate. I usually chat with the nannies, or this dude, but weekends are different. I actually get to meet the parents (a totally bizarre concept on the UES.)

angelina was to ginny's left and emma was to her right. 3 little girls (13, 12 and 15 months) all lined up and swinging in unison. very cute. we talked about first teeth, the transition to sippy cups, naps, pedipeds and alternative vaccine schedules. and of course, my crap eggs. as you know, it's my mission these days -- educate the people! infertility awareness! rock on! I guarantee you know someone.

13 month old angelina - IUI baby
15 month old emma - cornell IVF baby

we were surrounded by "my kind." we. are. everywhere.

04 September 2009

a picture's worth...

look at all these beautiful cornell babies! (and 3 others couldn't make it.) the little boy is actually an NYU IVF baby but his mom is a new patient of dr d. one of the dads nailed it -- "these are the most expensive babies in nyc!" yep. 7 babies. we could easily be talking well over $100,000.

this amazing photo was taken at ginny's party. I hid the identity just in case one of my buddies is not comfortable being outed as one of those infertiles. guess who is the exhausted, frazzled and ugly mom on the right? man! she needs a serious haircut! sigh.

27 August 2009

24 August 2009

meltdown and/or breakdown

if you could see me now. I'm the picture of complete exhaustion. ginny's first birthday party may be canceled.

I have been working my ass OFF (literally non-stop) for weeks and weeks now. I am up every single morning around 6 - 6:30 and this is after working the "night shift" and weekends. I can't even tell you the last time I slept past 7 am. I think it was when ginny gave me that horrific vomiting and diarrhea virus last winter. b "let" me sleep in one morning. thanks b.

he is so on the shit list these days. I am actually working MORE than him and taking care of ginny and all that is house related. this turkey comes home after rounds sunday morning and then NAPS! I was up even before him and this mama doesn't get to indulge in the luxury of a nap. no way man! the 3 hours a day that I consider "my" time have been dedicated to finding a new sitter/nanny. my salary is far from supplemental -- it's keeping this house afloat! BUT because b works at big fancy hospital my work is "second class." and he hates his new job. his constant moping and depression is sucking the life out of me.

I'm not eating. stress takes away my appetite and quite frankly, I don't even have the energy to eat. I'm at the mercy of demanding clients that want to see work immediately. 2 week deadlines are a fond and distant memory. now I'm banging out complete projects in a couple of days. and it shows. my hair is everywhere and my skin is a hideous shade of gray. I mumble.

it's 9:10 pm. I will save my last sad design, quit adobe illustrator and call it a night. maybe I'll even shower for the first time today. now the fun begins! I'll start searching for a new nanny for ginny. I have no tolerance for (current) sitter that simply sits next to her and sends text messages all day - at $14 an hour - after showing up late. why does she think this is acceptable? she is so fucking fired. b is fired too! his idea of fine parenting is placing ginny in her pnp while he reads his email and buys music online.

I seriously can't do this all alone!

my MIL arrives in 3 days.

oh joy.

22 August 2009

incredibly sad and tragic

a terrible day for a fellow saIFer (success after infertility.)
my heart is heavy.
three cheers for babies

16 August 2009

she's at it again

my MIL. it's all too familiar. it's p&b's 2006 wedding all over again however this time it's slightly different -- it's ginny's birthday party. her mission? ask every asian in the tri-state area to come to my tiny home and expect to be catered to with full-blown festivities and a giant meal.

it' 10:15 pm friday. b's phone rings. eeeek! it must be hospital.

"yes, this is b."

blah blah blah blah BLAH.

"oh... hi... I just recently moved back to nyc. yes, I'm married. my wife's name is p and we have a daughter virginia."

blah blah blah blah BLAH.

"I see. so we're cousins?"

blah blah blah blah FRIGGIN' BLAH!

"so there will be 5 - 7 of you coming to the party?"

b never even knew this cousin existed! his mother invited him (and god knows who else) to come to our little gathering of friends to celebrate our miracle baby's very first birthday. everyone coming knows how hard we struggled for ginny. everyone coming was so supportive during the trials of my pregnancy. everyone coming has special meaning to me, to ginny, to us. everyone...
until now.

the circus officially begins. this shit sends me into crazy person mode. can you hear me screaming my head off?!

13 August 2009

birthday time! (plus bonus rant.)

ok. so what is the deal with RSVPs? don't people do this anymore? come on! we sent out save the date emails followed by the invitation. granted we never got around to printing the invites (ran out of time) but so many people have neglected to respond yes or no. I find this rather inconsiderate -- I guess I'm old school. clearly none of our invitees read this blog so I can bitch and moan for a minute. so how many cupcakes will we order for the party? how much eggplant parm do we need? how many bottles of wine should I buy? who the hell knows! grrrrrrr.
rant over.

so here is the final invitation. I went through numerous rounds using various photos. I just couldn't commit to one picture -- until the cloth diaper tutu butt. designers always struggle designing for themselves.

the party will be sweet and simple. no silly themes. no tiny horses. no frightening mimes. just good friends (including many IVF babies) with yummy food, lots o' drink, a couple balloons and a little girl that turns one. what an amazing year to celebrate!

06 August 2009

our trip back home to maine

same beach.
3 generations (look! I'm still blonde! -- thanks to william)
2 ginnys.

pretty darn special.

02 August 2009

gone fishin'

it's vacation time! new posts and pics coming soon.

19 July 2009

"is this your baby?"

we are very fortunate to live a few blocks away from a fantastic park. it's located right smack dab on the east river with lots of grass, shady trees and a small dog dog run -- perfect for our surly frenchie. it also has a great playground that I like to call "celebrity park." supposedly all the famous folk's kids go there (with their nannies in tow.) a suri cruise sighting is inevitable.

if we should venture to our urban oasis during the week I am usually the only mother there. it's only natural to assume that I am hired help for ginny. tall blonde lady with asian baby = imported swedish caregiver. oh well, what are you going to do. I'm already in the minority because we don't sport the UES (upper east side) required black bugaboo stroller. our stroller does the exact same thing as a bugaboo but at a fraction of the price (ha!) plus I can always spot ginny's ride in a sea of parked bugaboos by the infant swings. note to self: must teach ginny while she is young - it's good to be different. the bizarre thing is, all the nannies I have met at celebrity park take care of the children of non-working mothers. how friggin' indulgent! only in nyc would you find people to pay someone a $$$ weekly salary to raise their kids while they shop, lunch, get spa treatments, shop more...

"how old is she?" asks the old spanish woman.
10 1/2 months.

"is she walking yet?"

"look at those teeth!"
yes! she has 4 now.

"is this your baby?"
like I said, it's good to be different.

17 July 2009


what's the deal with a lot of my favorite bloggers going private? did I miss something? I spend more time now "logging in" than reading and responding to posts. I can't keep everyone and every password straight anymore. I know I haven't been around much lately but why the trend?

I'm currently recovering from being slammed with 3 back to back RUSH projects. the apartment continues to be total chaos and I'm still sporting the same shorts that I moved in (washed of course.) I'm planning ginny's first birthday (can you believe it?!) when I find I have a little "down time." so far all I have done is picked out about 12 adorable party dress options (LOVE having a girl!) considered the menu and started designing the invitation. we are keeping the event simple and small (contrary to b's mother's wishes -- shit! she's my daughter! back off!) in the end we expect around 25 people. lots of fantastic cupcakes and little cornell babies! I can't wait!!!

10 July 2009

welcome back! (with a bang! literally)

or make that 10 bangs! I mean gunshots. "pop, pop, pop..."

ginny, b and I survived our second move within 1 month. we are far from settled and unpacked but the nasty, stinky apartment is history. good riddance. on the morning of the move I said to b "just you wait. the building will send up 1 old man to move us." (we were promised 3.) sure enough, the doorbell rang and there he was. 1 old man.

moving 2 floors down seems easy enough but when you have 1 old man it literally takes ALL DAY! plus the move was expensive - $300+. new boxes, tissue paper, packing tape, nanny, $ tip for the old man. b told him to use it for his medical bills. to be honest, I haven't seen our geriatric mover since he delivered our mattress. uh oh.

the only things we unpacked for our first night in the new digs were ginny's pjs and 2 wine glasses. it was while we were resting our sad invalid selves we heard the "pop, pop, pop..."
"what was that?!" (I knew it was a gun. I've heard that sound before.)

then complete and total chaos! "a cop shot!" hundreds of police below our window. men with bulletproof shields. ambulances! lots of them. helicopters! yes, plural. their spotlights beaming in our windows. familiar newscasters, photographers. the scene was straight out of a movie. really scary stuff. our little ginny slept through the entire ordeal. she's proving to be a true city girl.

come to find out there was an armed domestic dispute in the projects next door. 5 officers were at the scene when a pit bull was released and attacked the men. multiple shots were fired and the dog was killed. because the guns were at such a close range the bullet fragments injured 3 cops. an injured cop = lots and lots of drama.

NYC, we've missed you!

04 July 2009

life (so far) in the big city

we're slowwwwwly getting settled and finding a routine. our apartment is still a disaster simply because we move again on tuesday. how sucky is THAT?! it's a real shame because I love our current space. the neighbors on our floor are awesome (except for selfish nasty smoker guy) and to have to move downstairs and clean yet another unit from top to bottom really doesn't make mama happy. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. the smoke is really hideous and obviously very unhealthy. so what are we doing this glorious holiday weekend? not eating grilled veggie burgers and tofu pups or lighting sparklers and watching fireworks. PACKING! again. dammit.

go figure! why couldn't we have lived here when I was going through my IVF cycles? I can literally walk to cornell from our new digs. WALK! just a stone's throw away from my hero "new RE dr d." remember him? I wish we could attempt IVF #5 but it's not going to happen. talk about a missed opportunity.

speaking of IVF, here are a couple photos taken yesterday on the east river. fellow IVF baby "m" and ginny had a splendid play date in the park. it was very cool! m's mom will be cycling in feb with "new RE dr d" and I'm terribly jealous. I'm happy for her but I cannot deny those familiar pangs. we have all sorts of cornell "grads" scattered throughout the city. it's pretty funny because we each have a girl... or two ("m" is an nyu "grad.") as soon as the boxes are unpacked and the pictures are hung, I'm busting out the wine glasses and hosting a cornell "reunion" for all my peeps. there are currently 6 of us (8 little girls - includes 2 sets of twins) and we're always looking for new members!

27 June 2009

yep! were finally here!

however, "here" is just temporary.

sorry for the long delay in posting. things are crazed.

we moved. and as expected, it sucked. it rained, the movers stunk and I had the expected freak-out. every single move in my adult life has sent me into emotion turmoil. the stress, the cost, the anticipation, the worry, "please be very careful with that!" it all guarantees dry heaves on moving day.

but were here! back in fab nyc! on some bizarre level it almost feels like we never left. yes, the upper east side is NOT my hood but it's ok. I think it will work. no, we don't sport the UES required bugaboo stroller but who cares. ginny is adapting beautifully and lulu is happy to be back on the streets (so many smells to smell.)

I'm alone. b is still 2 hours away in new haven wrapping up his fellowship. he sleeps in the call room and occasionally sneaks in late at night to shower and grab some clean clothes. we haven't seen him in days.

I've been working with 2 clients (TWO!) while simultaneously trying to find child care (which is a full time job.) I missed an important graduation party for b because I had to interview potential nannies.

"why do you want to be in child care?"

"because I don't want to work in a store."


"NO! you cannot bring your friend to the interview!

candidates #11 and #12 were by far "the best." #1 - #10 sucked. it figures I'd find the the decent ones sunday night at 6:30 pm. interviewing is hard work and exhausting. trying to find someone to care for our precious miracle is incredibly dificult! who do you really trust?

so we're unpacked about 90% and ... get this... we have to move... again! our crap ass shitty neighbor smokes incessantly. the second hand smoke is literally seeping through the walls. this is no good for ginny. we gotta go! pedi's orders. so we battled it out with our building and we will be moving 2 floors down on 7 july. the whole thing is just plain sucky. (that's an entirely separate post.)

but in the meantime, here's the view from ginny's bedroom. all pretty and sparkly at night. cool as hell!

08 June 2009

lil update

very little.

b and I are up to our eyeballs in bubble wrap, newsprint, cardboard boxes and tissue paper. the nyc move is this thursday (11 june) 8 am. we still have a ways to go with all this packing bullsh*t. I hate it!

I won't be posting for a few days and will be unable to catch up with all your updates. next post will be from manhattan, usa (complete with photos!) I can't wait! wooohooooo!

and we already have plans for friday night! ny, we've missed you!


02 June 2009

favorite things - tuesday edition

wine! hey, if you can't BF then the occasional glass and/or bottle is good (for a stressed out individual and her dear husband.) we dig this label (I'm a packaging designer) however the actual wine is mediocre. and the typography is pretty crappy. oh well. but we love the idea. these days we are thoroughly enjoying the yellow tail sparkling. it's cheap and brilliant with grilled shrimp.

now that it's warm and sunny we love this! the sun shade is breathable and blocks out 98% of UV rays. we don't need ginny's beautiful pale skin to get burned! it's simple to attach and it folds up teeny tiny when the sun sets. good stuff!

01 June 2009

where did the baby go?

it now appears that we have a little girl. a tiny person that loves the swing and yellow wildflowers. the changes at 8 - 9 months are pretty dramatic. every single day we notice something new (like another tooth) and unexpected (we have a belly sleeper!) simply amazing. note to self: the first thing we do in nyc is babyproof. yes, it's that time.

this weekend we added "grown-up" foods. ginny's menu included whole wheat macaroni, chick peas, cheese and cous cous. she sits in her high chair and eats banana chunks and puffs like a champ (while simultaneously treating lulu.) I think the frenchie appreciates ginny now.

b had sunday off. we took a well deserved 2 hour break from packing and went to the park. what a glorious day. sunny, warm, slight breeze -- perfection. the little girl loved it!

29 May 2009

9 months! NINE!

how is this possible? what a shame that the first few months are a big blur.

yesterday's pedi appointment stats:
20 lbs 13 oz (83 %ile)
27.4" tall (43 %ile)

for some reason I thought she was pushing 24+ lbs and was much taller. her buddy isabel (12 months old) is a tiny peanut next to ginny. so why are we buying (and fitting into) 18 month clothes?

our birthday girl loves to wave, eat finger foods, giggle, play patty cakes, say mama and uh oh. but with all these new and exciting milestones comes some separation/stranger anxiety. not so fun. the best is when b comes home from work and ginny absolutely lights up when she sees him. it's amazing to watch. love it!

here she is on our favorite play mat. it's got a mirror, plush toys and squeaky things built right into it. very cute and so entertaining. the panda (also from ikea) is her new best friend (sorry lulu.)

click on the photo and you can really see her chubster legs. wow!

26 May 2009

yet another crapola birthday


I told b a few weeks ago that all I wanted for my birthday was the opportunity to sleep in and some long overdue, full-on foot pampering (aka professional $25 pedicure.) don't spend any money. we need to save the few funds that we have.

I woke up sunday morning and practically begged b to get up with ginny. it was 6:30 am. after a lot of sighing and exaggerated yawns he reluctantly changed the baby and took her downstairs for breakfast. man! what drama! how could I possibly go back to sleep and enjoy it? (happy friggin' birthday p.)

9 am, I go downstairs. b and ginny are on the couch watching tv. nobody takes notice of the birthday girl. the coffee pot is cold and empty.

"should we hit the basement first?" I ask while making the coffee. today is a HUGE packing day. we plan out our strategy. moving bites.

"um, aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday?"

"oh yeah. you beat me to it." LAME! (happy friggin' birthday p.)

so I spent the entire day in the dark basement weeding through crap, shuffling around more crap and filling boxes with other crap. horrible. however... I knew that later on we'd have a sitter (the third time since august), we had reservations at a nice restaurant AND we were going to scalp tickets for david cook (I pathetically admit -- my silly cougar crush.) things were looking up. woo hoo! pack, shower, david cook! (did I really say that out loud?)

then b's blackberry rang. SHIT! this usually means it's (a) his charming mother or (b) the hospital. any way you look at it I lose. big time.

it was (b.) and it was a transplant. (happy friggin' birthday p.)

so he canceled the reservations and I sulked -- heavily! I opened up my card from b and checked out the gift certificate. hmmmmm. urban outfitters. since when did they start catering to the geriatric set? geez. I haven't shopped there since high school. I then poured myself a glass of wine, looked at my hideous toes and neglected feet and watched the local tornado warnings on tv. yikes! there was a good chance I'd be spending more time in the basement today.

b arrived home early monday morning. the long overnight transplant was a huge success. the 42 year old woman got a new heart and a brand new start on life. fantastic! happy birthday to her!

21 May 2009

it really doesn't matter

that I'm sick with a bad cold right now. that b is home vomiting with a stomach bug. that I'm way behind with work deadlines. that my hair has never looked worse -- seriously! that my skinny waist and flat tummy have been replaced with excess skin and horrific flab. that my ass is still fat (nothing new.) that we don't have amazing plans (or ANY plans) for the holiday weekend (aside from packing.) that I'm stuck inside today when the weather is fantabulous. that I'm so friggin' tired that I could literally close my eyes and sleep at my desk. that we have nothing in the fridge for dinner (b isn't eating anyway.) that I have at least 4 loads of laundry to fold, a filthy house and a giant stack of bills to pay.

it really doesn't matter because ginny said "mama!"


18 May 2009

never in my life

"OK now you're really living my dream life."

this brought tears to my eyes when I read this after my last post (and I'm teary now.) never EVER in my wildest dreams would I think anyone could possibly think this let alone say it out loud. I realize it's just a casual expression but it still takes my breath away.

I've forever heard "you have the worst luck" and "it figures it would happen to you." things have never come easy for me as there always seems to be some degree of struggle involved. it's just that way -- my life. I consistently take the "long route" with whatever I do. yes, I think I have have accomplished a lot (up through my AMA years) but always with the extra effort. maybe this is a good thing. I certainly don't take things for granted. when my friends announce honeymoon and "oooops" babies, ginny truly stands out as extra special. yes, there was a lot of heartache, pain, unhappiness, stress and $40,000 involved but she was worth the entire experience. I wouldn't change a thing. if IVF #2 had worked out then I would never have met the little girl who's giggles and "uh, ohs! make my day and my life so rich.

so it catches me completely off guard to hear someone say I am living their "dream life." it makes me happy. it makes me sad. I've had a lot of loss (3 parents taken by cancer) but I've also had a lot of good. things with b are great (at the moment) and I have a miracle child that I absolutely, positively adore beyond words. even though I bitch and complain about many things - packing, moving, working. fuck! things are good! we have our health and a roof over our heads (((touch wood)))

davs, your time will come. I know it! hang in there and one day you will be living a dream life. next time you're in nyc, we are so hanging out! drinks are on me!

15 May 2009

in a nutshell

packing, packing, packing.
working, working, working.
we found tenants for our condo. thank god!
packing, packing, packing.
working, working, working.
we found a kick-ass apartment in manhattan. what a HUGE relief!
packing, packing, packing.
working, working, working.

stressed out!

we move in less than 4 friggin' weeks! FOUR! how the hell is this going to happen? at this point -- completely and totally impossible.


11 May 2009

mother's day (beginner's version.)

10 may 09. I never imagined I'd get to celebrate mother's day aside from being a "dog parent."

I woke up at 6:30 am. sleeping in was a nice idea but not going to happen. b was on call and ginny cried and coughed herself awake at the crack of dawn. poor love bug has a cold. you can hear it in her chest. you can see it in the runny, snotty nose. so sad.

out of bed at 6:40 am. it's sunday. ginny had her bottle and then proceeded to puke. full-on projectile vomit! 8 oz of expensive formula all over me, on the rug and in between the cushions of the leather couch. what a disaster.

then I opened up (the dreaded) greeting card from MIL. "celebrating your first mother's day." oh man. on the cover was an illustration of an african american baby boy. I kid you not. I know she wanted a grandson but virginia is very much a girl. AND I'm white! this is just another shining example of her blatantly not accepting who I am. she hated me even before she met me. inside the card was filled with all sorts of religious scribble to get me worked up and aggravated. "a woman who fears god is praised blah blah blah." talk about passive/aggressive. geez.

then I went down to the basement to start organizing for our move to nyc -- in 1 month! it was mother's day -- beautiful and sunny and I was stuck in a damp and dingy basement packing and going through yard sale/goodwill crap. I did this until the tears.

then b and I argued (gently disagreed) about the legal documents for our new tenants. it was mother's day and I was deep in a dispute over security deposits and official lease jargon (I have a long history of being screwed with rental apartments. must do this correctly.)

then I went upstairs to get ready for dinner. we were going out! woohoo! things were looking up... until I had to get dressed. nothing (seriously!) NOTHING fits this flabby 8 months pp body. it's hideous and gross. I know, I know... sit-ups. but when?

then we drove to the restaurant. closed.

then we drove to a favorite italian spot. the wait was forever and we had concert tickets. of course we got to the show late and... then... there he was. my ex's good friend and band mate. he is also the drummer in the opening band. how do I say hi when I'm giant and fat and smell like broccoli rabe with stinky garlic?

mother's day 2009. perfect? maybe not but I wouldn't change a thing. I have the greatest, most amazing gift of all. that makes this mother very happy.

06 May 2009


it's official. behind those chubster cheeks we finally have a tooth! wow! baby v is getting too big too fast.

30 April 2009

happy 8 months (and 3 days) virginia!


it's been awhile since my last post. busy, busy. I have 2 more days of favorite things, a uterus update and many new photos to post...
of an 8 month old! 8 months! wowza!

b and I (I mean just "I") have been trying to find decent tenants for our condo. decent being the key word here. it's a friggin' full time job. let's just say craigslist = wackos. tons of them! hours and hours of sifting through emails and setting up viewing appointments -- and nobody shows.

fab 2 BR apartment on yale shuttle

"I think the apartment is cute. would you consider reducing the rent by $400 a month?"

"sure, why not. b and I don't need that $4800 a year to pay our mortgage. when can you move in? I'd love to pay your utility bill as well!

"is the unit soundproof?"

beat it.

"we have 2 cats and 3 big dogs (but they're eight years old.)"

ahhhhhhhh. no.

"you say it's available 15 june. could you hold it until august?"

piss off.

is the apartment near the shuttle?

mama p doesn't want to be a landlord. poop.

21 April 2009

you can't make this shit up

I go to pick up ginny at the sitter's yesterday afternoon. she is in a bouncy chair fussing a bit and feeding, god knows what, from a bottle. s (the babysitter from a far away land) tells me (in her broken english) that she will bring ginny to the apartment once she finishes eating. fair enough.

b comes home and surprises me a coffee. we sit and chat until s and ginny arrive at the door. ginny's bib is filthy nasty! what the hell? s gives me the rundown of the day -- nap time, bottles, poopage.
"so what did virginia have for lunch today?" I ask.

"sweet potatos, zucchini, and whale."


"ahhhhhh, sweeeeet potaaatos, zucchiiiini, and vale." (mind you, her english, not so good.)

b and I look at each other. words escape us.

"wh...wh...wh...whale?" my voice starts to quiver. I'm pretty passionate about whales (hence my trip to alaska to help study the cooperative feeding of humpbacks.)

she laughs. "whale. no fish. baby from cow. mooooo."

"do you mean (do I dare say it) veal?"

"YES!" (take it easy with the enthusiasm.)

I don't know what is worse actually. meat from my beloved sea creature or flesh from a confined and tortured baby calf. both VERY BAD! there is a reason why momma is a vegetarian.

ginny's nasty, meaty bib - straight into the garbage. s and I then had a "little chat." she heard my english loud and clear.

16 April 2009

favorite things - thursday edition

all uterus drama aside, the return of our favorites.
soooooo, today I'm starting with 2 amazing websites for those who make their own baby food. I tell ya, once you start, it's addictive. I have so many frozen organic meals in my freezer, it's ridiculous. check out wholesome baby food and nurture baby. great fruit/veggie combinations! yum yum yum in the tum tum tum.

who doesn't love babylegs and all the fab patterns? b digs the pink skull and crossbones -- surprise, surprise. ginny is no doubt my child (once you see her chubster thighs.) tights are not the best especially if you cloth diaper. fluffy butts are big! babylegs are an awesome solution for girls and boys. I have a client that met the (oh so young) woman that started the company. $,$$$,$$$. all it takes is a clever idea.

next is hanna andersson. I adore all that is hanna! especially the pjs. easy on, easy off (for diaper changes) and super adorable (in a very dr seuss sort of way.) we get ginny's at our local outlet. these pjs rule!

15 April 2009

my uterus is falling! my uterus is falling!

to add insult to injury.

talk about a uterus recall! shit! even when NOT TTC my reproductive organs are problematic. I really thought I was harboring yet another UTI since ginny's birth. a few rounds of antibiotics never seemed to get rid of that pesky infection.
so I thought.

my last pee-in-a-cup adventure came up clear -- no bacteria, nothing, nada, you're "fine."

"however... I think you may have uterine prolapse. come see me." says dr f - my favorite.

ok, prolapse. whatever. it sounded pretty uneventful until I had a small chat with dr google. for the love of god! you have got to be fucking kidding me!

"Uterine prolapse means your uterus has descended from its position in the pelvis farther down into your vagina. Normally, your uterus is held in place by the muscles and ligaments that make up your pelvic floor. Uterine prolapse occurs when pelvic floor muscles and ligaments stretch and weaken, providing inadequate support for the uterus. The uterus then descends into the vaginal canal."

if this is indeed what I have, life is cruel. hours and hours of trying to push out a sunny-side-up child was traumatic and completely destroyed my pelvic floor (b's words.) I'm totally unable to do a kegel, I feel like I always need to pee and I have major pressure when I walk too much or too fast. these symptoms scream falling uterus and/or bladder. we shall see.

oh joy.
this sucks.

14 April 2009

favorite things - tuesday edition

love, love, LOVE these! they're perfect for trips to the outside world. if ginny smiles or decides to "chat" out falls the pacifier and then momma is out of luck (if the mood should happen to change.)

I got the beat! how cute is THIS?! nothing like an anatomically correct plush toy for the surgeon's daughter. in fact, this company carries most vital organs. unfortunately they just recalled the uterus. faulty ovaries or something. I can totally relate!

13 April 2009

a week of favorite things! weeeeeee!

in our travels, virginia and I have stumbled upon many things that we find pretty groovy. during my pregnancy, (most/some) fridays were dedicated to my fave things. no more belly butters or maternity undies. now it's all about baby, baby.

the beaba babycook rules! this all-in-one machine makes cooking your own organic baby food a snap. it steams AND purees/chops! I make an entire week of dinners in no time and with very little effort or clean-up. $$$ but it rules! (especially when you don't have to pay for it.) ginny looooves her fresh pears with avocado!
I recommend the beaba BPA-free multiportion freezer tray as well.

got drool? next is the organic cotton drool bib. ginny has been a toothless drooling machine for months now and we love these bibs. they are super absorbent and small enough not to ruin a cute outfit. we like that! good stuff. now where are those teeth?

10 April 2009

09 April 2009

ok. enough of this crap.

why do grocery stores insist on hiring idiots?
help me out here. I need to figure out how to respond to all these jackasses.
because it happened again, yesterday.

"awwwwww. she is so cute! how old?" asks the 17 year old girl at the register.

"thank you! she's 7 months old. and thanks for acknowledging that she's a girl. we get a lot of "boy" comments."

"are you kidding?! how could anyone think she's a boy?"

I'm psyched. finally! this might be my first normal conversation with a cashier.

"is she yours?" like that is a reasonable question.

geeez, people! I know I'm a geriatric mother with an asian inspired baby, but... come on!

in hindsight, I should have said - (I'm not terribly quick on my feet.)

"are THOSE yours?" pointing to her giant boobs spilling out of her skin tight, belly baring, and soooo inappropriate for the workplace tank top.

"and it's 36 friggin' degrees outside fool!"

08 April 2009

the return of p & v's favorite things

this entire week was going to be dedicated to our new "favorite things" but a lot has been going on. a fellow saIF buddy lost her twins, phoebe and evan, after being born at 24w 1d. the news is absolutely heartbreaking. I cannot even imagine having to bury a child let alone two. C and I emailed back and forth quite a bit last fall and I felt a real connection to her. her loss is something that I cannot fathom. my (broken) heart goes out to her and her husband R. what a tragedy.

we also had some great news as well. square peg got an amazing fert report from her first DE cycle. she transferred 2 beautiful 5 day blasts yesterday. hurray! she and D have struggled through numerous (4 maybe?) IVFs. this has got to be "it" for them. I had a vivid dream last night that she was carrying twins! she also had a very cool orange stroller (I don't think it really exists.) I was terribly jealous. fingers and toes crossed everyone, for her upcoming beta!

and... a fellow cornell IVFer delivered a gorgeous baby girl, isabella, this week. B and I cycled together twice -- both failures. I'm looking forward to seeing her again (but not in a hospital gown and paper slippers) once we move back to nyc. what a glorious reunion!

a little update: awesome and encouraging news for IVF 40+! her beta for IVF #2 has more than doubled. this is fantastic!

06 April 2009

it feels good!

to knit again! AND to actually finish a project! hats are fab. they're super easy, they provide instant gratification and they make a (certain) baby (wink, wink) look pretty darn cute. not bad, right?

03 April 2009

wanna talk infertility?

I finally uploaded the IF awareness logo to cafe press (late at night when I finally had a moment to myself.) they've got bibs, organic onesies, mousepads, mugs and tees. spread the word. IF is nothing to be ashamed of.
I'll tell you all about my miracle.

24 March 2009

it stays with you.

it's who I am, I'm afraid.

pregnancy after infertility. some of my cycle buddies are pg again or are gearing up for a FET or more clomid or another IUI or IVF. ouch. some are even pg from a break cycle. ouch, OUCH!

I know, I know, I know, I KNOW! I'm being a greedy, selfish, horrible person. I KNOW! but I cannot deny that pang of (do I dare say it?) jealousy. it's incredibly real. it hits you hard and deep in your belly (or empty uterus.) you'd think after "conquering" infertility (if only temporarily) one would be at peace. no such luck.

I had the pleasure of experiencing it the other day "in real life." I was at a neighbor's home (she has a 9 month old) and she had 2 friends visiting with their tiny ones. the small talk immediately turned to having a second baby. ugh. I sat there and smiled. my stomach in knots. please don't ask me. please don't ask me.

"so p, will you and b be starting again soon for another?"
these women have NOOOOO idea. I mumble quietly to myself, "don't go there."

"don't you think ginny would like to have a little sister or brother?"
stupid question. for the first time ever, I'm speechless. the reality is, I have plenty to say, but...

"as soon as I stop BFing we'll start trying. we would love to have 3! maybe 4!"
I listened to this while feeding ginny FORMULA from a plastic bottle. god, I clearly suck as a parent. infertile AND incapable of BFing. loooooser! maybe this is why I've subconsciously avoided these playdates. they make you feel like shit.

I listened to the talk of stopping BCPs and minivans needed to cart the brood around town in. I sat there, tuning them out, and simply enjoyed watching ginny. she was content and clearly digging all the new and unfamiliar toys. this child of mine is the joy and love of my life. this little miracle that amazes me every single morning when I wake up and see her giggling and smiling away at "momma." it kills me. I don't take this for granted for a single second. I am blessed beyond words.

I'm happy for my fellow infertiles that are onto child number 2. I wish you/them nothing but good luck and success. genuine good luck and success. but it's still there. it will always be there. that pang.

19 March 2009

little miss giggles

and look at those curls!

14 March 2009

"secret recipe"

so after countless emails asking about my last protocol I am finally posting the formula for our success. grandma's secret recipe. maybe not.

IVF #4
first of all, I believe we went to the best RE out there (in the world maybe) for a high FSH/AMA/DOR/crappy eggs/poor responder dx. yes, this is my simple opinion but many people (with proper medical training) feel the same as I do. dr davis at cornell is a genius! his wait list is very long but he is so worth it. after being "fired" from my first RE, "new RE dr d" was the only one who gave me a morsel of hope. remember, we are talking 1% chance here. my FSH was 16 point something going into IVF #3.

before I completely assaulted my body with hardcore hormones I did a little fine tuning to my diet. my acupuncturist who specializes in IF had me commit to changes that were necessary for my particular dx. I did a lot of research on my own as well.
- no wheat (I ate lots of brown rice and spelt toast with almond butter.)
- no caffeine (I had 1 cup of organic decaf a day.)
- reduce sugar intake dramatically
- no alcohol (not going to lie. I did have the occasional glass of wine here and there. and here and there...)
- no soy (very bad for fertility)

I included
- TONS of protein for egg quality issues (whey shakes, eggs, almonds, fish)
- lots and lots of organic fruit and dark green veggies (kale, spinach, broccoli...)
- fresh (almost daily) 1 oz nasty wheatgrass shot (powdered or pill form is not as effective.)
- omega 3's
- co-q10
- DHEA (75 mg for at least 3 months) really only recommended for AMA
- l'arginine
- pnvs
- folic acid
- specific herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist

b reluctantly included
- folic acid
- zinc
- maca
- fertilaid supplements
- omega 3's
while whining "the pills are too big and hard to swallow."
(insert :::slap, slap, SLAP:::)

co-culture! brilliant! I truly believe this was the "magic bullet" for our bfp. cornell is known for this procedure. it's not for everyone and does come with a high price tag. I'm talkin' HUGE! they literally do a cervical scraping (oh, and it hurts!) and then freeze your cells. it's awesome for those with repeat "questionable" embryo quality. it allows the embies to grow and develop in your own "fluids." makes sense to me.

for round 4 I was put on EPP/MDL (estrogen priming/microdose lupron -- a VERRRRY long protocol.) I was injecting 525 IU follistim and 75 menopur -- 5 shots a day total!

at ER I had 4 total (and decent) follies going in. we were incredibly disappointed. dr g retrieved 4 mature eggs which were all fertilized with ICSI. at my 3dt we had 3 embies that were ready for transfer (NOT implantation!) hoping at least 1 would indeed implant and stick around for 9 months. I did acupuncture immediately before and right after ET. I spent 1 day in bed and ate fresh pineapple core for a week. each day I listened to guided imagery by belleruth naparstek (goofy, I know, but the woman has a serious calming effect.) I was so convinced the cycle was a bust that I took major walks with the dog every afternoon during the 2ww to keep from going insane. but... there it was. 8dp3dt. that teeny tiny hint of a line that literally, only I could see. was it for real? I kept it a secret although I did share the news with lulu. she's good like that. 10dp3dt (day before beta) I did officially POAS. 2 lines! an image strong enough for all to see. what a glorious sight! one of the most fantastic, shocking, brings tears to your eyes, magical, overwhelming, takes your breath away, unbelievable, amazing moments of my life. (I think I left out magnificent.)

12 March 2009

thanks uncle mike!

for taking such fab photos. you're the best!

09 March 2009

first trip to nyc

it went beautifully! ginny was such a trooper and she did incredibly well. we're so proud of her.

unfortunately we missed out on seeing my buddy john and his band at joes' pub -- sold out! good for him, bad for us. supposedly he is a real rock star with the toddler set. I cannot wait for ginny to get old enough to take music lessons from him.

brunch was great (although very $$) and it was awesome to see everyone. we are REALLY looking forward to moving back. I cannot wait!

here is ginny with her pal mika (born 1 week before our little one.)

and here is uncle mike. ginny was diggin' him (and the bamboo tree.)

05 March 2009

the little girl has been set free!

(if only temporarily.) we go back for more photos and measuring to determine if head band #2 is necessary. terrible thought, I know.

03 March 2009

projectile! volume 2

"I'm rundown and at the end of my rope here."

my turn. 24 hours straight of raging vomit and diarrhea (not so pretty when one continues to have post-partum incontinence issues.) 3 pairs of pjs, 3 showers and one bathmat later I figured it out. sit on toilet and puke into wastebasket (sorry to be so graphic.)

it came fast and furious. like when you're at the beach on a beautiful day and all of a sudden a few clouds appear. then in an instant it begins to pour heavily. the wind picks up and you gather all your crap and sprint to the car. you're soaked. "where the hell did THAT come from?" at 4 pm on saturday this is exactly what happened in my belly. one minute I'm "fine" (rundown but fine) the next, every bone in my body felt broken and I couldn't get warm. the puking was not too far behind. I got slammed. big time!

see what happens when you try to do everything? now back to bed. email client, get hydrated, sleeeeep.

01 March 2009

it's about time!

for a "real" layout. I'm working on it...

28 February 2009



all last night. poor ginny had a very sick tummy. I suspected she wasn't feeling well when she started to scream halfway through her favorite thing "yum yum in the tum tum" -- the rice cereal. I thought that was rather odd. her usual enthusiasm was replaced with dramatic tears, an arching back and a little spit-up. not good. the full-on vomit came around 9:30 pm. that horrible noise then splat then wahhhhhhh. b was home (for a change) and this made me happy. I had a team mate to help out with a sick child and all the additional laundry a la puke. but then the reality of the situation hit me. oh, and it hit hard. not only was I dealing with infant belly distress I had a horrific case of chronic manflu on my hands. b was tired.

I'm rundown and at the end of my rope here. I'm sorry but one individual cannot possibly do all things house related, food related, dog related, baby related, work AND stay sane. after the 3rd pajama change and 2nd sheet/mattress pad change I brought ginny into bed with us. she was still having dry heaves and I didn't want her on her back. I literally threw off the hideous head band (yes, filled with vomit) to give the poor child a break. I kept her upright and rocked her to sleep. I eventually put her back into her bed while I stayed up all night keeping an eye on her. I admit I was pretty nervous. every tiny sound that came from the crib sent me leaping out of bed a million miles an hour. she vomited a few more times. she puked, b slept. she dry heaved, b snored. she got up at 8 am. b slept until 10:45 am. until...

"it's not MY job to do absolutely EVERYTHING!" (remember, I'm rundown.)

I gently handed ginny to b while he was still snoozing away. she had already pooped and peed through 3 diapers and 2 outfits. it was only 10:30! she had on an undershirt, a top, socks and a big ass (literally) cloth diaper. I collected the remaining stinky puke items to do even more laundry. when I can up from the basement b was standing at the top of the stairs. "should she be wearing pants?"

"sure." I said

"where would I find them?"

ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

to be continued

27 February 2009

happy birthday virginia!

6 months! today! that's 1/2 a year old.
amazing (and very scary) how time flies.

now let's all join hands and sing "happy 6 months birthday to you, happy..."

20 February 2009

a little update

I've been VERY busy this week and I wanted to let everyone know that I'm behind in responding to your emails. after my ppd post AND head band post AND cloth diapers post, I received a ton of emails. I intend to answer each and every one of them. I'm so sorry for the delay. apparently my ppd post hit home for many. it goes to show you that women continue to suffer (or get treatment) in private. some are even ashamed. it's that damn stigma thing again. you can always count on me to continue to add to my collection of stigmas and be open about them. infertility, formula feeding, post-partum depression... what's next? I can only imagine.

19 February 2009

new camera! new carrots!

thanks ariana for hooking us up with this fab camera. here is our first shot. yummmy.