it's who I am, I'm afraid.
pregnancy after infertility. some of my cycle buddies are pg again or are gearing up for a FET or more clomid or another IUI or IVF. ouch. some are even pg from a break cycle. ouch, OUCH!
I know, I know, I know, I KNOW! I'm being a greedy, selfish, horrible person. I KNOW! but I cannot deny that pang of (do I dare say it?) jealousy. it's incredibly real. it hits you hard and deep in your belly (or empty uterus.) you'd think after "conquering" infertility (if only temporarily) one would be at peace. no such luck.
I had the pleasure of experiencing it the other day "in real life." I was at a neighbor's home (she has a 9 month old) and she had 2 friends visiting with their tiny ones. the small talk immediately turned to having a second baby. ugh. I sat there and smiled. my stomach in knots. please don't ask me. please don't ask me.
"so p, will you and b be starting again soon for another?"
these women have NOOOOO idea. I mumble quietly to myself, "don't go there."
"don't you think ginny would like to have a little sister or brother?"
stupid question. for the first time ever, I'm speechless. the reality is, I have plenty to say, but...
"as soon as I stop BFing we'll start trying. we would love to have 3! maybe 4!"
I listened to this while feeding ginny FORMULA from a plastic bottle. god, I clearly suck as a parent. infertile AND incapable of BFing. loooooser! maybe this is why I've subconsciously avoided these playdates. they make you feel like shit.
I listened to the talk of stopping BCPs and minivans needed to cart the brood around town in. I sat there, tuning them out, and simply enjoyed watching ginny. she was content and clearly digging all the new and unfamiliar toys. this child of mine is the joy and love of my life. this little miracle that amazes me every single morning when I wake up and see her giggling and smiling away at "momma." it kills me. I don't take this for granted for a single second. I am blessed beyond words.
I'm happy for my fellow infertiles that are onto child number 2. I wish you/them nothing but good luck and success. genuine good luck and success. but it's still there. it will always be there. that pang.