04 March 2008


not a whole lot to say... out loud. I had a mini meltdown yesterday. or I should say, a standard sized meltdown with the added bonus of tears. it was my mother's birthday and I truly felt like hell. it STILL feels like yesterday when she passed away. she's really been on my mind a lot lately, my mom, as I venture into this unknown territory called motherhood. b got home "early" from work and took me out for indian food. nothing like tandoori shrimp and nan to clear one's head -- if only temporarily. I confessed that I was having a "difficult time these days." I'm visibly distracted and I cannot focus on anything for the life of me. I cannot sit through a movie, knit more than 1 row, read a magazine (never mind a book), work AND be productive, or even do laundry. everything is done in tiny shifts. take clothes out of dryer. fold them 6 days later. it's not like me.

my friend's baby is still in hospital. I fret about him and his newborn son terribly. can you believe I have enough worry left in me to spread around? to share with others? I'm losing weight. insomnia is back. bollocks! I just took part in a yale study ($80!) addressing stress and pregnancy. oh come on! this study was written for me! -- so I thought. when the final results are released my photo should be included. IF poster child takes on new role as prenatal stress spokesmodel.

well this study was clearly written by fertiles. there was not 1 (ONE!) mention of stress related to pregnancy. all the stresses had to do with finances, suffering some sort of loss, experiencing heroin withdrawal (no joke), blah blah blah. when the interviewer asked me specifically about my stress there was no category for me. pregnant (a one shot deal) after multiple IVFs, high m/c rate, subchorionic bleed, high risk 1st trimester screen. my worries didn't count. weren't valid. I needed to have survived a horrific tornado or gone through foreclosure in order to have suffered stress. fuck that.

the interviewer felt my pain though. she repeatedly shook her head and paused her tape recorder to offer kind and comforting words (off the record of course.) she "got it." she understood my weariness. my fears. afterwards we drank some tea and chatted more about my IF journey. she was genuinely interested. "oh, honey. you've been through a lot."
"I guess. thank you."


AwkwardMoments said...

thinking of you

nickoletta100 said...

hugs to you.

Joy said...

The paragraph listing your pregnancy related stresses made me cry.

It sucks. I waffle between scared, sad & just plain pissed off. (I must say, anger is easiest to deal with.) It's not fair that we be handed all this IF bullshit and then add extra shit.
I woke up this morning to yet more blood in my underwear and the more I think about it, the more angry I am. I just want to shout to the heavens "ENOUGH!"

My list is a little different than yours but damn, it really freakin' sucks.

I'm sorry you're struggling but I think it's not just understandable but I'd think there was something wrong with you if you DIDN'T feel this way.

Just an hour ago there was a conversation about something I was clueless on and I was informed it was discussed 2 months ago. I didn't say anything, but really I was thinking "well, that was the beginning of my pregnancy. I didn't even THINK about anything except myself then, let alone talk about anything else."

Do what you have to do to get by..
I'll keep your friend and his baby in my thoughts & prayers.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a tough time. Is there anything that I can do?

Penny said...

Sorry about your mom.

The inability to concentrate is irritatingly normal.

Penny said...

Sorry about your mom.

The inability to concentrate is irritatingly normal I hear, whether it's related to depression and stress or not (and what pregnant lady ISN'T a touch of both during pregnancy?).

Portia P said...

I'm sorry about your mum and sending you a huge hug. I lost my dad a few years ago and it still floors me.

That stress study stinks and is seriously flawed.

Hope you're feeling better x