"I'm off now to get some diapers." DH said.
how I've longed to hear those exact words. yes, b returned from shopping with a package of diapers. sadly they were purchased for chilli, our dog.
the second round of chemo really destroyed our little pug. his symptoms have been extreme -- lethargy, vomiting, shaking, drooling, and the terrible, terrible explosive diarrhea. it's so bad. it's a constant uncontrollable stream that requires a diaper. I'm forever cleaning him up, mopping the floors and rewashing dog beds. it's so incredibly heartbreaking. he really seems to be suffering and I am responsible.
how do you know when enough is enough? am I being selfish by putting him through all these debilitating treatments? he had a few nauseated days with his first chemo and then he rallied. you wouldn't even know he was sick. this round has been an entirely different experience -- one I don't know if he (or I) can go through again.
I am scheduled for egg retrieval, with 3 lousy follicles, this thursday. I am totally unprepared for this. I feel like it would be a lot less trouble to simply toss the thousands of dollars out the window instead of actually following through with this cycle. I've been so focused on chilli and have completely neglected my own health and diet. waking up daily at 4 am to trek into the city for monitoring is exhausting. working (even just a little) is exhausting. dealing with multiple REs, the IVF nurses, the ER vet, the oncologist, the billing department, the insurance company AND the electrician is exhausting. feeling incredibly defeated and sad is... well you know, exhausting.
pulling into a parking space at super stop and shop in order to buy chilli some boiled chicken, white rice and pedialyte just added fuel to the fire. it was a typical non-handicapped space until I noticed the sign. "this space reserved for those with infants." in other words, "infertiles not allowed."