10 September 2007

baby parking

"I'm off now to get some diapers." DH said.

how I've longed to hear those exact words. yes, b returned from shopping with a package of diapers. sadly they were purchased for chilli, our dog.

the second round of chemo really destroyed our little pug. his symptoms have been extreme -- lethargy, vomiting, shaking, drooling, and the terrible, terrible explosive diarrhea. it's so bad. it's a constant uncontrollable stream that requires a diaper. I'm forever cleaning him up, mopping the floors and rewashing dog beds. it's so incredibly heartbreaking. he really seems to be suffering and I am responsible.

how do you know when enough is enough? am I being selfish by putting him through all these debilitating treatments? he had a few nauseated days with his first chemo and then he rallied. you wouldn't even know he was sick. this round has been an entirely different experience -- one I don't know if he (or I) can go through again.

I am scheduled for egg retrieval, with 3 lousy follicles, this thursday. I am totally unprepared for this. I feel like it would be a lot less trouble to simply toss the thousands of dollars out the window instead of actually following through with this cycle. I've been so focused on chilli and have completely neglected my own health and diet. waking up daily at 4 am to trek into the city for monitoring is exhausting. working (even just a little) is exhausting. dealing with multiple REs, the IVF nurses, the ER vet, the oncologist, the billing department, the insurance company AND the electrician is exhausting. feeling incredibly defeated and sad is... well you know, exhausting.

pulling into a parking space at super stop and shop in order to buy chilli some boiled chicken, white rice and pedialyte just added fuel to the fire. it was a typical non-handicapped space until I noticed the sign. "this space reserved for those with infants." in other words, "infertiles not allowed."


AwkwardMoments said...

yeah yeah piss on those Signs! I am really sorry your poor chili and you and going through an extremely exhausting period. I hope somewhere in those busy busy days, you are getting some rest/support/comfort/mental health. Thinking of you and wishing your struggles end soon

nickoletta100 said...

I really, really, really hope those 3 fertilize and implant. You deserve this so much, you have been through so much. I want this so much for you. So sorry about the little guy. Only you and DH know when enough is enough. We had to give my cat saline injections every day for years and she hated it every time. It was so hard to do but she did feel better when we did it. You will know when your limit comes. My prayers are with you on both fronts. Hugs.

Joy said...

Fuck those signs!!

I'm so sorry about poor Chilli. I really don't know the answer to when enough is enough. But I think you'll know..
I am also really hoping these three follies have the three greatest eggs in history..
Good luck.. with everything..

alisa said...

We're currently going through something similar with our 12.5 y.o. collie mix. We've been debating the "when is enough, enough" question for the past month. Apparently as of tomorrow, it will be enough...

We've both had dogs all of our lives, and we've never had to do this before. We came to the realization that it was never going to be a "good" time, and that waiting another week, or month wasn't going to make it easier - it would only make it more likely for us to have to do this emergently rather than in a controlled way. It really sucks. I completely feel for you.