30 January 2008


today is a bad day. nervous nelly has returned with a vengeance and she is wicked.

I had pretty significant pains/aches 2 nights ago. I spent the early evening flat on my back on new comfy couch and then went to bed early. the pains were below my bellybutton and deep within my stomach (and a little to the left.) I have never had these sensations before. when I woke up the next morning I still felt some discomfort. more achiness than pain. I can only describe the residual feeling as kinda "muscular." god knows I wasn't doing any sit-ups recently. maybe in gym class in 1979.

because people think I am totally losing my mind and acting like a crazy person I ignored the pains. that was until b called from work (he got a spare minute. woohoo!) and told me to call my ob. "are you concerned?" I asked. "yes, but not overly. just call him."

dr f is great. such a nice guy. he didn't have a whole lot to say based on my pathetic symptomatic descriptions. I'm a visual person! I draw pictures for a living, remember? in any case, he said he was glad I was going in to see him thursday. I apologized for bothering him and he said again "these times are especially hard for those who have gone though IVF." he didn't think my call was unwarranted. he was relieved to hear there was no bleeding or the pain was not cyclical or rhythmic. "take it easy for now and I will see you in 2 days."

well the fear has crept back in. hardcore irrational thinking. I feel "different" today. on some strange level the pain yesterday was reassuring - there was activity going on in there. now there is nothing. nothing but a sick and nervous stomach. what exactly was that cramping all about? I was incredibly stressed earlier that day. maybe it was my growing uterus. possibly round ligament pain. maybe it was a leftover cyst. nobody can tell me. nobody but little one knows for sure. give a creative person a few things to mull over and the ideas and scenarios can be remarkable. some very bleak. of course.

b arrived home last night at 9 o'clock with a $75 ticket in hand. we live literally 2 miles from the hospital. he was pulled over for driving without his lights on. bastard cop. give the poor, exhausted guy who spends his entire life helping people a break! a much needed break. go pick on the neighbors down the block that sell drugs and participate in illegal (key word) dog fighting. earlier I got verbally assaulted AGAIN by the ornery tree killing bully. because I have a dog it must be me, and only me, who doesn't scoop the poop. for the record, I DO clean up after lulu (in her pink ruffled collar) and I DON'T appreciate this repeated, high volume abuse. I warn you. don't piss off a hormonally charged, anxiety ridden, highly emotional pregnant lady! who knows what I am capable of.

I feel the universe is not on our side these days and this scares me. little one is the size of a small plum right now. a little something I so dearly want to keep.

positive vibes. positive thoughts please. my u/s is only 26 hours away (and counting.)


Sue said...

I'm sending you positive vibes for your next ultrasound - hope you get reassuring news. I have also had a crazy neighbor accuse me of not picking up poop. He actually got in his car and followed me down the street at 6:30AM to let me know he sees my dogs poop in his yard EVERY morning. I realized then he must be crazy because my dogs never poop in his yard and if they did, I would pick it up. Anyway, I figured this must be what parenthood is like - complete strangers approach you unsolicited and tell you what a crappy job you're doing (or share their hallucinations about what a crappy job you're doing).

nickoletta100 said...

Oh sweetie. I want you to just close your eyes and dream away the 1st tri. It sucks so bad and everything causes worry. Looking forward to your u/s so you can have some reassurance.

Anonymous said...

I'm pulling for tendons and stuff stretching. One more day to go, right?

AwkwardMoments said...

I am sending postive vibes your way - that wait can be very intimidating.

jp said...

Sending very positive thoughts and prayers your way. If you have a chance check in with gypsygrrl who had a great idea http://kissesandcompliments.com/2008/01/30/special-intentions/

Candita Conchita said...

I'm not even going to tell you to not worry, because you probably will continue to worry anyway. It's amazing how the stress of IF can make pregnancy seem so bleak! There's nothing like 12 weeks of cautious optimism to make a pg girl nuts! I had more than a few emotional breakdowns during my 1st trimester because I was sure there was something wrong with the baby, and everything turned out fine! There are so many hormonal and muscular things going on down there right now, I'm sure it's just a normal pg pain. Keep thinking those positive baby thoughts and keep us posted on your U/S tomorrow! We're all thinking about you and praying for you and your little munchkin!!

Aunt Becky said...


And many, many good vibrations.

Anonymous said...

Sending good thoughts your way for the u/s tomorrow. That first trimester is hard, especially after all you have been through to get there. Will be thinking of you!

Joy said...

Perhaps a flaming bag of poo on the doorstep would make him reconsider how bad some unscooped poop really is.

I'm sorry you're scared. I've been pretty cramps throughout my entire pregnancy this time and as of today things are going swimmingly. Some cramping is normal. I know that is probably not very reassuring. I know that when people tried to tell me the same all I wanted to say was "Yeah, but MINE isn't!"

It's very hard to stay positive when you've been through so much bullshit. (I say as I sit here being nervous myself.)

I am still praying for you guys.

Anonymous said...

I'm rooting for you and the little plum. Hope everything goes well today, I will be checking on you throughout the day.