11 February 2008

baby steps

it's been an ugly week. days of relentless nausea (throw up already!) and total fatigue. I know I've lost some weight because not one food item is appealing (except gingerale - not a food item). but believe me, I wouldn't want it any other way. my weekly SCH (subchorionic hemorrhage) monitoring showed little one moving all over the place - wiggling, punching, karate kicks. "you have a very happy baby in there," dr f tells me. "no I don't. he/she's pissed! where's the food? I'm HUNGRY!"

so... I packed a bag and was prepared to head home for a few days to stew in a more pleasant environment -- think about "things." I told b during the daily "I'm coming home late" conversation that this marriage is not working so well right now and I need to get away for a bit. I cancelled lulu's vet appointment and lied to a client. I was in the clear and ready to split. but the nausea. the constant urge to puke along with the wobbliness that comes with not eating kept me from attempting a 3 hour drive north. I couldn't muster the strength.

b came home, ironically, at 8 pm. I was in bed reading, counting the moments when I could turn out the light and escape this relationship reality. I could tell he was pleasantly(?) surprised and most shocked to see me. I was calm and truthful in explaining my unhappiness... again. no drama. but it was different this time. he heard me. he was attentive and he listened. wow! it only took the threat of me leaving to get a response.

I realize and understand the demands of this fellowship. we were together his entire residency and I've lived through ridiculous schedules for years now. BUT for the few hours that I do see him a week I ask that they be better. more meaningful. I need this especially now -- things are "different" -- and I'm not asking a lot. I'm tired of having a part-time roommate. I refuse to go to our upcoming genetic counselor meeting alone. it's an important meeting! I need some sort of sign that I'm not just some random individual (who grocery shops, cooks, cleans) to split the rent with. I am your wife and we are going to have a baby this summer. I need some inkling that during the next 15 months of this fellowship that I (we) matter!

this time should be one of the happiest of our life together. after a year from hell we achieved the unimaginable. we beat the odds. yes, I acknowledge b's career and commitment to medicine is very important but at the end of the day family is what it's all about. "maybe think of me as one of your patients." ask me how I'm feeling today. ask about how little one is progressing at 11w. show some interest in something (me maybe) other than a ventricular septal rupture following myocardial infarction. I suggested he take a day off (he works 7 days a week) and we spend it together. kooky thought. we could go to lunch, see a movie, look at nursery furniture, I don't know. just 1 day so I don't feel like I'm the only person in this marriage. sickly pregnant lady needs more than a few shitty hours a week with ghost husband.

the phone rang the other night. it was a second year fellow's wife. huh. interesting... all I can say is that she will NEVER be nominated for an academy award in acting. she pretended to be calling just to say "hi." she went on and on about wanting to leave her husband last year when he was working 100 hr weeks. "try 140 hours! on average 120." I responded. silence. thanks for calling.

hey, we'll never be a "normal 9 to 5 family." I realize there will be all sorts of disappointments down the road because of work commitments. I just hope that b can find a healthy work/family balance somehow. he can't take our relationship, my support, for granted. but for the first time ever I think he heard me loud and clear -- that's progress! all I can do now is know he understands and wait and see what happens. that's if he doesn't poison me first (that's another story. I'll post later.)


squarepeg said...

Progress! Yea! Very happy about that. I can't BELIEVE one of the other wifey's called - I can only imagine how... genuine that seemed (snort).

Then again, it does mean that somehow this crisis in your marriage was discussed by B - that alone means he's listening, he cares, he doesn't want to irrevocably fuck the whole thing up.

Let's just hope from now on he talks to YOU about it.

Hang in there - I can't imagine how hard it is.

AwkwardMoments said...

Progress is good. I am glad that you guys had some meaningful and hopefully helpful conversations about expectations and such. I am rooting for your family! All of you

Anonymous said...

It's all baby steps, but at least it's progress.

He'll definitely need to find that balance no matter what, he might as well start now no matter what he thinks, because it's only going to get harder as time passes, no?

Joy said...

*takes a breath* I'm relieved.
I'll tell you.. the power of actually feeling heart is freakin' amazing to me. Whether it's infertility, miscarriage, depression, work trouble, a stubbed toe, for the person you're talking to say "Wow. You're right, that DOES suck." seems to melt away a good portion of the suckage.
I hope he can manage some sort of compromise. If not for you, but for your child who deserves a dad.

Rebecca said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible...if it's any consolation, I'm in the middle of my 11th week and the nausea has started to subside. Hopefully it will for you too.

I'm so glad that you guys got a chance to talk. Yes, you'll never be normal, but what is normal anyway? Hopefully things will continue to go your way - after all, you're the most important right now!

nickoletta100 said...

I am glad you were able to talk and he was able to listen. I hope he does take that day off!

laurid said...

Good for you for reasserting your needs. Of course you are somewhat used to his schedule. You're just asking that there be something left for the two of you. Not unreasonable at all.

I wish you continued progress and peace.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm glad you're making progress. It's so hard when they're so unavailable WHEN YOU REALLY, REALLY NEED THEM. Mine doesn't save lives or anything, but the hours are similar.

It sucks.