16 April 2008

IF and friendship - part 1

there was an interesting conversation on an IF message board recently. a woman talked about how she had to remove and "protect herself" from certain friendships while going through treatments. there were many women that responded that they had done the exact same thing. I agree. I found myself avoiding a few friends with small children and turning down invites to birthday parties and baby showers. I simply couldn't handle IVF(s) with its uncertainty AND a room full of toddlers or talk of babies. high doses of follistim and fisher-price do NOT mix.

I have one friend in particular that I really avoided. she and I have known one another for years. we are good friends. we are not great friends. she is unfortunately one of those people that seems "happy" when you're down. know what I mean? I usually kept her at arm's length and that was fine. it worked.

until she got pregnant. pregnant with a child she never wanted.

historically we would drink wine and bitch about our challenged relationships with guys in nyc. they're a tough lot. we'd drink more and fantasize about our futures. we both desired roughly the same things... except children. she was adamant about keeping her lifestyle "as is." traveling was in her blood and motherhood was not appealing. she actually felt guilty for not wanting a family but she was firm in her "child-free" beliefs. that's fine with me. no judgments whatsoever. she liked kids but just didn't want any of her own. I, on the other hand, was hoping for at least 2. that was my plan (...little did I know.) the last time we talked about this was on my back porch in late summer 2006. it was a gorgeous evening. I recall it perfectly.

I got a phone call last year right after I had my HSG. right before my tubes were scheduled to be chopped off and thrown in the garbage. "hi p! guess what? I'm 3 months pregnant!" oh god.

she caught me WAYYYYY off guard. "are you ok with this?"
"I'm thrilled."
"really? what about... what about..?"
"oh, I've ALWAYS wanted a child. it happened that weekend we were upstate. first try!"

my heart sank. not because she was pregnant (maybe just a little) but because she lied to me. just be honest. it's ok to change your mind but please don't lie straight to my face. what the hell was she thinking? deep down she and I both know this child of hers was not part of her "agenda" or what she hoped for. now she was saying that she always wanted this. did she forget who she was talking to? fuck that.

I said congratulations. I guess it was heartfelt. at least semi heartfelt. I was confused. after a bit of thinking I emailed her saying I was happy for her but why the blatant dishonesty with me? did she think I was stupid? she stuck to her made up story about always wanting to be a mother and this was a dream come true. "first try!" I explained I was gearing up for surgery and needed a little time to absorb all this. I'd be in touch when I was ready.

well surgery lead to IVF 1. then IVF 2. then IVF 3. then IVF 4 -- a year chock full of hormonal extremes and constant disappointments. I sent her a baby gift around the time when she was due. we emailed generic news on occasion. until now...

to be continued.


Rachel Inbar said...

Reminds me of someone trying to score points when they got pregnant just after me, telling everyone "we waited for Rachel to get pregnant". Yeah, sure. And if it had taken another few years???

Aunt Becky said...

I can imagine it's a tricky thing, trying to have friendships like that.

AwkwardMoments said...

Oh No ...this can't end well

nickoletta100 said...

to be continued.... agh!

DAVs said...

I feel like I could write a book on friendships and infertility and what happens...from hosting 7 baby showers while trying to conceive baby #1 (just did the 7th shower one week post IVF #3 BFN)...to having my dear online friends have success one by one...it's such a tough subject. But I'm happy that your pregnancy is going so well!

Joy said...

To be continued?

And yeah.. I dn't know that I LOST friends through my IF, but definitely lost some closeness with a few. But I gained SO, SO many more..