what happened?! my eyes are incredibly swollen this morning. I was much happier asleep. why did the man with the baby twins have to talk to me during my dog walk? they were IVF twins no doubt. "shooo! go away. leave me alone please."
where do you turn when one of the best (if not the best) IF clinics in the world fails you? (my turn to fingerpoint.) these guys at cornell are geniuses so what the hell?
how do you tell the huge number of people that have been rooting for you that the IVF didn't work? infertility is already an awkward topic and hard to talk about.
IVF is incredibly difficult -- torture really. the efforts completely take over all aspects of your life. you work sooooo hard emotionally and logistically and put your body through sooooo much to hopefully get to the point where you are able to hold a photo of your potential child/children. the picture is so satisfying, so sweet -- like an award of achievement. the infertility oscar. "look! this is really possible! you guys did it!" then the future and optimism are painfully ripped out of you with a 5 second blood test and phone call. "I'm sorry." the nurse was very kind and she seemed genuinely sad. I couldn't utter a single word.
I am heartbroken. I am pissed that we are being denied what so many people take for granted. take for granted!
and I do know that I have many wonderful things to be thankful for and happy about. I have an amazing family, fantastic friends, and a husband I adore. "things" have really clicked for us during this last year. we've been "tested" constantly and we learned a ton and ultimately grew closer. the good in my life was even more evident when I was bedridden after the ET. I have not lost perspective and I recognize all the great in my life. but it is the "loss" -- the obvious loss. and the loss of our dream. this is not about not getting what we want. we are battling instict as well.
a biological child. a "luxery item" that just seems so out of our reach. that hurts.