15 June 2007

the day after

what happened?! my eyes are incredibly swollen this morning. I was much happier asleep. why did the man with the baby twins have to talk to me during my dog walk? they were IVF twins no doubt. "shooo! go away. leave me alone please."

where do you turn when one of the best (if not the best) IF clinics in the world fails you? (my turn to fingerpoint.) these guys at cornell are geniuses so what the hell?

how do you tell the huge number of people that have been rooting for you that the IVF didn't work? infertility is already an awkward topic and hard to talk about.

IVF is incredibly difficult -- torture really. the efforts completely take over all aspects of your life. you work sooooo hard emotionally and logistically and put your body through sooooo much to hopefully get to the point where you are able to hold a photo of your potential child/children. the picture is so satisfying, so sweet -- like an award of achievement. the infertility oscar. "look! this is really possible! you guys did it!" then the future and optimism are painfully ripped out of you with a 5 second blood test and phone call. "I'm sorry." the nurse was very kind and she seemed genuinely sad. I couldn't utter a single word.

I am heartbroken. I am pissed that we are being denied what so many people take for granted. take for granted!

and I do know that I have many wonderful things to be thankful for and happy about. I have an amazing family, fantastic friends, and a husband I adore. "things" have really clicked for us during this last year. we've been "tested" constantly and we learned a ton and ultimately grew closer. the good in my life was even more evident when I was bedridden after the ET. I have not lost perspective and I recognize all the great in my life. but it is the "loss" -- the obvious loss. and the loss of our dream. this is not about not getting what we want. we are battling instict as well.

a biological child. a "luxery item" that just seems so out of our reach. that hurts.


nickoletta100 said...

It makes you want to get under the covers and hide seeing someone so easily walking their babies/children. Feel free to hide for a while, it's ok.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. All the dry bombay martinis straight up with olives you want are on the house.

You can mourn and be grateful for what you have at the same time. They're two entirely separate things. If not, rich widows wouldn't be able to cry (you lost your husband? You should still be happy! Look at how much money you have in comparison to other people). You can have a great marriage and a great career and a great home. And your heart can still hurt because you're grieving so many losses--the loss of control over your fertility, the loss of those embies, the loss of your privacy. It's a lot of loss. Let yourself have a long cry.

Joy said...

I'm so very sorry again. it isn't fair. yes, having great OTHER things can soften the blow, but it's still a blow.

I'm thinking of you..

Anonymous said...

i've been following your blog for awhile. i wanted to tell you that i am so sorry. there are no words that will make you feel better - i know.....
i wish you the best in your next steps towards becoming a parent.

Rachel said...

I am so sad for you. I wish there was something any of us could do or say. But we can't. Please know I'm thinking of you!