03 August 2007

honesty is not the best policy

this is why we infertiles keep to ourselves and on occasion, tell a blatant lie. I have been avidly avoiding all baby showers and parties that are centered around small children. these events are just too much for me at the moment. it is hard enough to walk past the baby section at target without feeling a sharb jab of emptiness.

I recently received an evite for a baby's birthday party this weekend. my friend has a ton of siblings and cousins that all have infants and toddlers. estimated ratio: 1-3 kids per adult. I cannot do it. it's too hard. I idiotically decided to be open and honest instead of the old "b and I have made other plans already, sorry." I sent her a gracious and very apologetic email explaining my state of mind. I was hoping she'd "understand." here's the kicker. she had her son via cornell center for reproductive medicine and infertility.

her reply - "sometimes you have to put on a tough face. It makes you stronger and able to manage things better if you face your problems."

face my problems? my infertility problems? my lack of fallopian tubes? my DH's few and highly challenged sperm? I was so upset that I posted her response on one of the IF message boards that I frequent. I got 16 responses

"- I think I'd be tempted to reply that my "problem" is with unsupportive and self-centered friends. It sounds like she's just pissed because you aren't coming to her party.

- That is awful!! How are you NOT "facing your problem"?! Does she think that by going to the stupid bday party, you will be able to better come to terms with T TTC? At least you can be assured that YOU did the right thing by writing a thoughtful/apologetic email, and she was the one that acted inappropriately.

- Oh gosh girl. WHAT an insensitive friend--especially since she experienced IF herself. I am so sorry she acted that way--you completely don't deserve it! You took the higher road here--rest assured. Self -preservation is EXTREMELY important during IF. Some people can handle certain situations better than others--how about this? I haven't gone to my niece or nephew's b-day parties in over a year OR any baby showers either. You know what? TOO BAD! I have to deal with IF and IVF---I am more important than anything else that bothers me and upsets me and that I can avoid. My sil and bil were fine with it (and even if they weren't, I still wouldnt've have gone--I see them all the time but birthday parties with tons of kids and preggos is not my idea of fun at all) Sorry she's so self absorbed that she can't dig back into her memory of when she suffered from IF and be a supportive friend. (((HUGS))) Do what's good FOR YOU!!!!!!!

- Granted I'm quite hormonal right now but her response made me very angry. I'm sorry your friend has lost her damn mind, not to mention her manners. I think birthday parties for kids are fantastic things but I really don't get some people's obsession with having ALL their friends there for their child's party. IF they want to come, YAY! But to actually get miffed if they don't? Beyond me.... I'm sorry again, hang in there.

- wow, are you going to respond back that you are facing your problems, on your own away from a bunch of babies and kids? i almost understand naive people saying stupid things but she is supposed to be a part of ourt club! That's it, I'm kicking her out!!!!

- And how does sitting through a baby's birthday party qualify as "facing your problems?" How is that going to help your state of mind at all? Ugh. I would celebrate that kid's birthday with a bottle of wine out on my patio."


AwkwardMoments said...

WOW o'WOW thats just really insanely insensitive and down right presumptious!!! have a good weekend

nickoletta100 said...

so have you responded to her yet or decided to show up and throw a gift at the child knocking him out cold?

sister j said...

as the saying goes "with friends like that,who needs enemies?!"...birthday parties are for children and grandparents; NOT THE PARENT"S FRIENDS!!!perhaps we can stop the sickening trend of over the top, keep up with the joneses birthday parties and bring a halt to a generation of spoiled brats who view the world as "it's all about me"

A said...

it's those 'friends' whom you thought would understand the most that keep on shocking me with their insensitivity.

I vote for replying with some snarky one liner. But I'm being highly uncreative at the moment...



Joy said...

Pardon my language but quite frankly.. uh... Fuck her.


Anonymous said...

She's incredibly insensitive-that can't be said enough! I don't understand the attitude considering all she probably endured to have that child. Time apparently does heal all wounds and in this case causes complete amnesia.
Sister J is right-birthday parties should really be for family and kids. They should be a celebration of life- a yearly reminder about what a gift that is to be able to share with your family. It's not about ponies, clowns, Chuck E Cheese and inviting as many of your friends as you can so your kid gets more gifts.

Unknown said...

Hi! I just found your blog and had to comment on this. I don't know what gets into people sometimes--even those you'd expect to know better. Personally, I don't go to any of those things anymore. I have a limited amount of emotional energy at this point in my life, and I see no reason to use it up pretending to be okay at someone else's kid's party. Maybe it's selfish, but you have to know your own limits.

(BTW, it's cool to meet another NYC 'burbs "geriatric" trying to get knocked up. Not "cool" like the situation is cool--but you know what I mean...)

Anonymous said...

I agree her response was completely uncalled for. If it was me I'd have replied saying 'Thanks for the support. No love, me'. But then, I'm a bitch.