running out of time...

and energy.

I'm starting to freak out. at this point I will be working right up until my first induced contraction -- literally. one client I had to beat off with a stick (crazy to say "no" in this economy) and another keeps adding work, changing "completed" work and is being a total pain in my giant ass. every ridiculous request she makes I follow with a "I'll have to charge you." yes, the money will be an added bonus but it's precious time that I REALLY need now.

my heart is starting to beat fast again just thinking about what's on my plate. 1 million projects started and nothing finished. I would love to be one of those women that takes a week off before the birth -- to nest. to clean and get organized. to address baby announcement envelopes (yeah, right.) to put together the stroller. to grocery shop. to answer some long overdue emails. to bathe a stinky dog. to finish painting the nursery/office. to maybe (just maybe) indulge in a pedicure (I'd like pretty feet for labor.) to pack my hospital bag. to rest up! b is of no help because he is putting in 115 hour work weeks. the boy is spent. I am spent...

and I'm fucking HOT! boiling. sweaty. the heat and humidity (and little one) are sucking the life out of me. even though I work in my undies I still stick to my desk while at the computer. little do my clients know, I'm basically naked when discussing pantone chips, photo re-shoots and marketing concepts. they're on 5th avenue in their groovy summer weight suits and I'm in my light pink hanes XL (yup, extra large... charming) hipster briefs. (((giggle))) my little secret.

so this explains my lack of posts and/or comments. this explains the delay in shower thank you's. I will indeed get to them but after a full day of work, walking (I mean dragging) the dog in 100 degree heat, feeding b and my giant self, tubby is exhausted. a good night's sleep would be ideal (I cannot imagine) but when you have to pee a tablespoon every 30 minutes and your hips ache like crazy, quality rest is just not going to happen.

the temperature is rapidly rising. off to work now (with no AC.) let the sweating and crank-pot irritability begin.

sneak peak...

YIKES!

I just spoke with my childbirth class instructor. she actually works as an ob nurse where I will be delivering. we discussed my AMA and possible early placental breakdown. she explained that "they" (the hospital and dr f) typically start the "induction process" (cervical ripening) at 38 1/2 weeks. so now we are talking 18 august. oy!

starting next week I will have 2 dr appointments a week. the first with dr f for maintenance -- weight, blood pressure, urine... the second with the hospital for an u/s and fetal heart monitoring (for 30-45 minutes.) this is all becoming too real now. am I ready?

(((deep breath))) good question.

p's favorite things - 34w4d

I'm a little late from last week -- or early this week, if you will. I'm going to start my post with what's number 1 on my shit list.

today, 22 july 08, my least favorite thing.

dr f's office! I'm anemic dammit! and nobody told me until today. I had b/w done almost 2 months ago and the office neglected to pass this information on to me. dopes! the crabby midwife I met with this morning happened to mention my levels "in passing." I'm not terribly anemic but she does want me to add iron supplements to my pnvs. "hey, thanks! thanks for letting me feel EXTRA tired these last few months." I needed that, right? nice.

1st favorite thing...

prenatal massage. ohhhhhhh. ooooooh. my sister j was kind enough to share with me a gift certificate from a very nice spa overlooking the ocean. it was heavenly. my (super fertile) therapist (who just had "mistake twins") was very much in tune with all my aches and pains. my only complaint is that it was not long enough. 50 minutes felt more like 10. but it was awesome and so decadent. thanks again j!

2nd favorite thing...













the pregnancy wedge pillow. with the summer heat and humidity I had to retire the giant snoogle once and for all. being surrounded by 6 feet of polyester fluff made me feel like I was in a slow cooker each and every night. between the memory foam egg crate (for hip pain) and the massive body pillow I was a complete sweaty mess. capable of generating enough heat to effectively simmer both b and lulu. the wedge has just enough support to keep me from cheating and toppling over into my favorite position - sleeping on my back. plus the smaller wedge in front is super comfy if you've got the big belly.


3rd favorite thing...

friendly strangers. oddly, I was stopped today while walking to my car outside the market. a total stranger, with 3 small boys, said "I just have to to tell you how cute you look." she really caught me off guard. when a random person speaks to you out of the blue usually they say something nasty or they want something -- directions, the time, spare change, whatever. we chatted a bit and she could not have been any nicer. what a glorious, and very unusual, way to start my day. thank you mystery lady! I sincerely appreciate your unexpected kindness.

p's favorite things - 33w2d

does this clearly illustrate the almost 35 lb weight gain? dr f's office is not pleased with me. at my last appointment I had gained 7 lbs in 5 weeks. I'm afraid my biggest fear may becoming a reality -- delivering a 10 lb baby complete with a giant head! I was ordered to only gain 1/2 pound a week (at the most) until delivery date.

if you look in the lower left of the photo you can see our french bulldog lulu (aka pookie, scoobster, monkey, stinker, loolee...) checking out the big belly. oh... she has no idea what's coming.

















today, 13 july 08 (even though it's not friday) 1st favorite thing...

blabla dolls from company kids. 100% cotton and hand knit. too cute. the whole blabla line of products is adorable.















2nd favorite thing...

the pea pod necklace. this was my first mother's day gift from b. it's sterling silver with a tiny pearl representing little one. I obviously have the single pea version (no triplets for p & b.)


















3rd favorite thing...

air conditioning! enough said.

33 weeks!

I just have to type that again. 33 weeks... pregnant! that's 231 days. 48 (at the most) to go. to be honest, I'm still in disbelief. with IVF #4 I got so used to my injections. they became daily "maintenance" for me and simply a part of my life. I sort of lost track of why exactly I was shooting up. even with a massive 35 lb weight gain and a visibly active belly it's still hard to imagine little one truly exists. until that moment when dr f hands over our tiny miracle I refuse to unpack the stroller or carseat or even wash any baby clothes. it's all so unreal. I hope this is not just a dream.

wow!

I've missed so much!

giant congratulations to farah at fertilized, trish at fertile hope and lub at quest for a baby. they are all new moms! I'm so happy for you guys!

tomorrow I will be 33 weeks. hard to believe isn't it? I'm now in the process of scheduling a professional maternity shoot for when I am in maine next week. my wedding photographer is available to take some simple b+w photos. seeing as I never had a "proper" bridal portrait and this will be my one and only pregnancy I am going to go for it. be not afraid -- it won't be demi moore style. in the meantime I need to find someone to address this hideous hair situation. and what do I wear? "modeling" is not my thing (very camera shy) but I'll suck it up for an afternoon and hope for the best. hey, all we need is one decent picture. my photographer is big into the blurry, out of focus look. brilliant!

then I will be on ob ordered "house arrest." no more traveling for p and little one.
booo.

long time, no post (31w4d)

I'm now trying (key work: trying) to get back into the swing of things. with m's passing, his memorial service, coming back to ct, depression, work, and my shower (aka baby brunch) this past weekend, I have been overwhelmed and super busy -- and completely exhausted. I promise to post a recap and photos sometime this week. I also promise to catch up with all my fellow bloggers. I know I have missed a ton of news (all good I hope.).

no words

m passed away from cancer very early tuesday morning. he was home surrounded by family and I am so grateful I was able to say goodbye. this amazing photo of a rainbow (literally right outside our door) was taken just hours after his passing.

you're at peace now m.
we love you and will miss you very, very much.
say hi to mom for us.

scattered update

yes, it's been quite some time since my last post. thanks for all the concerned emails. I'm sorry I have no idea of what's going on with my fellow bloggers. or even what's happening in the world.

I'm feeling totally overwhelmed, upset and borderline out of control (on top of, of course, extreme exhaustion that I just cannot shake.) the tension headaches (something new and exciting this 3rd trimester) are a given every night.

m is dying. I've been in maine for a week doing my best to be as helpful and supportive as possible. it's hard work emotionally. he needs round the clock care/monitoring at this point. I had a major meltdown this weekend. lots and lots of tears. this being the third parent we've watch literally suffer and die of cancer, trying to be creative and work on a job, and having to put up with constant "benign(?)" jabs from a certain family member "...there are too many people in this world." "we are so glad we never had kids."

hello. I'm sitting right here. did you happen to notice my big belly? and no, I'm not trying to be difficult when I say I cannot eat swordfish because of the high mercury levels. when you spend over $40,000 on a baby and your ob says ABSOLUTELY NO SWORDFISH, you listen. and you listen hard.
"can you eat brownies?"
piss off.

I lost it.

I came back to charming new haven (my favorite place, wrong!) for a few days to pull myself together and give little one some quality attention and peace. I've been a terrible mother lately because of neglect. b is very concerned because he claims the baby is experiencing everything I am experiencing. the emotions and stress (tripled by pregnancy) are not healthy. he assured me that m would not die during the 2 days I am away. still, leaving was incredibly difficult and I do feel selfish for taking off.

it's quiet here. no calls from annoyed hospice workers. no tension so thick you can cut it with a butter knife. b is in chicago. I slept until 10:30 yesterday and napped on and off throughout the afternoon. it's just lulu, little one and me catching our breath and gearing up for tomorrow's journey back north to maine.

p's favorite things - 28 weeks!

can I say it again? 28 weeks! 7 months! 3rd trimester!

today, 6 june 08, the 1st favorite thing is...













bio oil. this rules. I use it every day and it gives me amazing (non-greasy) relief from a tight, itchy belly. with a (ummmmm, almost) 30 lb weight gain I don't have one single stretch mark. not one! and with lavender, calendula and rosemary oils, it smells yummy too! burt's bees mama bee belly butter is another fave.















2nd favorite thing - cat naps.

I'm so lucky to work from home. every day around 2:30 I "rest my eyes" for 30 - 45 minutes. it's brilliant! all of a sudden I'm just so tired these days and a little mid afternoon snooze makes all the difference. I go back to work and I'm way more productive and clearheaded. yesterday I had about 20 men up on my roof ripping off and replacing shingles. it was crazy loud and unbelievably distracting. but tubby here had no problem dozing right through the destruction and hammering. between 2 - 2:30 I was out cold. ooooh! I love the nap.

a light hearted and positive post

for a change.

I passed my GTT (glucose tolerance test) with "flying colors" according to cute dr f. hurray!

::: huge sigh of relief ::: that test was truly awful. after consuming that horrid drink (literally in between audible gags) I asked the nice blood lady if I could go get a paper. "no! you sit yourself right down and don't get up for the next hour." huh? "you're not leaving this office. if you move around you risk burning off all the sugar." so I sat and sat and sat, while thumbing though an early fall issue of cosmo. it's june.

as I watched the hands on the clock barely move the nausea set in. I needed fresh air. water. the crowded waiting room was hot. the woman screaming to her buddy in spanish for a half hour ("she's sitting right next to you!") certainly didn't help. but I did it. and I managed not to puke. well done p!

all vomit talk aside, little one's "nursery prints" arrived. I'll frame them up and hang them over the changing table. love em!

a stims farewell

like I said before, it still isn't easy. on saturday I had lunch with a fellow infertile that I "met" on an IF message board. after multiple unsuccessful IUIs she is gearing up for her first IVF at cornell. she came to new haven because I had a tiny bit of chilled follistim sitting in my fridge and I offered her some of my leftovers. she has no IF insurance coverage at all and everything is totally OOP. I was more than happy to share and donate to a friend in need.

she is such a nice girl. I feel anxious for her as she prepares to begin this whole process called IVF. like it was yesterday, I remember how it felt -- IVF #1. I was terrified. I was excited. the syringes scared the shit out of me. the unknown was overwhelming. if only IVF came with a guarantee.

just talking with her brought back a lot of memories and emotions for me. god, I could not possibly handle being in that place again. all the traveling, the waiting, the stress, the side effects, the $$$, the isolation. four times was definitely enough for me. I had my fill. packing up the meds that had been such a huge part of my life for a year was almost therapeutic. why had I been holding onto them for so long? security? it was time that we parted. the fact I was helping out someone, a "cycle sista," felt great.

when I got home I had moments when I actually felt pangs of guilt for being one of the lucky ones. I am just so sad for j that she has to go through this. I am sad for all of those who are still shooting up daily and getting ready for the torture of the 2ww. it's not easy. maybe this guilt and sadness, on some level, is part of the reason why pregnancy after IF isn't so easy.

I'll be thinking about j as she ventures into her IVF. I'll also be thinking about all the other women getting ready for or currently going through an ART cycle. from deep in my heart I feel for each and every one of them. the fertile world can be a very cold and lonely place when undergoing treatments. I only wish there was more I could do.

p's favorite things - 27 weeks!

every friday I will post something that I have encountered and really cannot "live without" these days. hey, if oprah can do it.

today, 30 may 08, the favorite thing is...
















the lady grace bra extender. woo hooo!

pre-IVF(s) I was sporting the 34 A bra. now I am busting out of a 36 C. amazing. who would have thought? the bra extender is awesome because as my "girth" increases there is no need to buy yet even more larger bras. it comes in black, white and nude with 2, 3 or 4 hooks. and only $1.50 each! oh, the simple things in life that bring us joy (and comfort.)

a little update:
on a more serious note, I hope people don't think I'm miserable and complaining by my last post. I was simply stating that I'm textbook when it comes to some of the less than favorable pg symptoms. the reality is, right now I could not be happier. I am sooooo thrilled to be carrying little one around in my belly. what a miracle! what a blessing! all the bloody noses and bouts of constipation are totally worth it.

but the 3 am leg cramps and sciatica can go :::whining just a wee bit:::

yikes.

of course the moment NaComLeavMo begins I start by writing the most depressing and unhappy post imaginable. go figure.

well today is a new day. I'm feeling ever so slightly better and that's only because I am distracted and swamped with work. a good project (2 actually) means $$ which means some time off when little one arrives -- 3 months TODAY! it's hard to imagine that on 28 august I could literally be meeting our miracle baby for the very first time. it would be so amazing if m is around to see his new grandchild. and hopefully I will be over my disappointment and frustration with b by then. hopefully.

my role as an IF poster child/IF poster couple has been transfered to one of "WTEWYE" spokesperson. I'm accumulating and enjoying every classic less than desirable pg symptom in the book. aside from the blazing sciatica, bloody nose, swollen (and unrecognizable) ankles, constant peeing, crazy fatigue, difficulty sleeping etc, etc, I am now experiencing the joy of late night leg cramps. in other words, pain that wakes you unexpectedly and makes you want to scream your head off and vomit. "here comes tubby! not just slow and gimpy with back pain, but now with a serious limp." I had a meeting in nyc yesterday and it took me twice as long to get to my client. a sluggish, out of breath, lopsided waddle down 5th avenue -- not pretty. it was hot and humid. a sluggish, out of breath, lopsided waddle WHILE sweating with crazed hair -- even more not pretty.

so what's next? hemorrhoids? gestational diabetes? varicose veins? skin tags? (ewwww) loss of bladder control? we can only hope.

a different kind of struggle

I'm living in fear... yet again. my stomach tightens and I go into a total panic every time the phone rings. I'm afraid of those terrifying words nobody wants to hear.

leaving maine yesterday hurt terribly. I've made "that" trip soooo many times before -- with my mom. with my dad. you say goodbye to a loved one dying of cancer and you wonder if you will ever see them again. you drive slowly down the driveway with tears streaming down your face. it's a haunting image in the rear view mirror -- a frail, wisp of a person, all teary eyed, watching you leave them.

I drove 60-65 mph in a haze all the way "home." I stopped at every rest area to kill time and get some sciatic relief. I hate new haven. I hate the fact that I have to spend money (that we don't have) on a new alarm system because we live surrounded by constant crime. I am not happy with b. he is terrible support. at this point point I'd much rather be alone than deal with his shitty skills during a crisis. he only gets in the way and frustrates me. I blame his crappy upbringing. I blame his fucking hideous mother the most. I'm afraid the boy is incapable of offering any substantial comfort. I gather in medicine they train you to be all about the facts. keep your distance and do not get involved emotionally. "snap out of it! you're home is NOT part of the hospital ICU! there is so much more to life (our life) than a fucking self absorbed career in surgery. it's not always about you and your arrogant dreams to be the best in robotic cardiac surgery. you have a wife who is hurting and little one (YOUR baby) is due in a few short months. I've said it before. please get your priorities straight. show me the heart doctor actually has a heart of his own." for better or for worse. in sickness and in health.

"and tell your mother to get off her high horse and her close-minded little head out of the bible and send her one and only daughter-in-law a simple $1.25 birthday card! it's time she acknowledged me in a way that is not hurtful or mean."

yes, I'm having a genuinely bad day. I'm upset by all that is going on. pregnancy hormones are not to be blamed.

mixed emotions

26 weeks today! WOW! only 98 more days to go. NINETY EIGHT!

"things" are not so good up here today. I leave tomorrow and this scares me. m told me last night that he is ready to go to bed and die but he will try to stick around for the baby. what do you say to that?! how do you respond aside from tears?

many apologies. I haven't been able to follow the stories and daily escapades of all my fellow bloggers. I'm just in such a state right now. I've not logged onto my favorite IF message boards in a week. I have nothing to say. I cannot muster the energy to offer advice or support to "high fsh help needed!" or "is this beta too low?" or "which crib set do you prefer?" in time I will catch up and be back in touch.

thank you for all the kind thoughts and words of support.
:::smile:::

25w4d

maine.

my home. there is no place anywhere that is more special to me. this is where I grew up. I've witnessed some wicked storms here. I stood in this very spot and got married to b. I've attempted to swim in the cold waters off these rocks. I've enjoyed so many memorable family holidays and lobster feasts here. I've spent hours and hours sitting on this lawn mesmerized by the waves or looking at the stars. my mom passed away here.

my home.

it pains me that little one will never experience this cherished spot like all my nephews once did. I can only hope he or she will get to meet his or her grandfather. this upsets me terribly.

cradle robber

we were dating. david and I. we found ourselves stranded on a median in the middle of a busy highway. he was holding my hand. sooooo cute as he looked at me and smiled. we were running very late but it didn't really matter.

we finally met up with ryan, our driver. simon was there as well in the front seat. they picked us up in an old school station wagon with the fake wood paneling on the side. off we drove to a boston T station. we had to get to the makeup studio before the show started. david wanted to use the same people that do the makeup for the cast of entourage. we arrived at the green line station but we didn't have any tokens and couldn't find the rib eye(?) stop. but we were happy. it was ok.

I couldn't believe he chose me to date when he has so many adoring fans -- so young, so pretty and not so large and pregnant. I was dating a famous person and he looked adorable! nice job p!

ok, take it easy mrs robinson! yikes.

as "happy" as I am to be home visiting and sleeping in the secure bed I grew up in, I'm exhausted. the stress and sadness I feel with m's dx is draining. every meal is a struggle as I try to get him to eat... something! anything! we all know a person cannot exist very long without any nutrition. boost has a high protein shake that m seems to "tolerate" in moderation. now drink up!

my dream of david cook was wrong on so many levels. the kid is only 25! but even in my real life I've always had a thing for musicians and I've dated enough of them (while awake and... conscious(?) maybe our "connection" had something to do with his brother who is sick with a brain tumor. my mom passed away from a brain tumor. in any case, dating a much younger semi-celeb was an innocent and refreshing departure from what is currently going on around me. my little escapade last night was an adventure. it felt good. I felt alive -- even though I was out cold.

I spoke too soon

just last week I posted about a strange and foreign feeling I had been experiencing lately -- happiness. I think I am (well, was) actually at peace for the first time in a long while. I even answered a poll on a message board. "why do you feel blessed?"
1 - I can feel little one moving and kicking me as I write this
2 - I have an awesome family and everyone is healthy
3 - MIL lives far away (I couldn't resist.)

well that didn't last long. literally just a few days later I got a phone call from home. it was my stepfather. "hi m, how are you?"
"not so good."
"what's wrong?"
"I have inoperable liver cancer that has most likely has spread from my lungs."

Fuck! just in case that was not loud enough... FUCK!!!

here we go again. this will be my third (yes, THIRD) parent to die of cancer. watching a loved one suffer and slip away from this horrific disease is a terrible, heart wrenching experience. I'm so upset that it's hard to write about it at the moment. sorry.

so here I am now. home up in maine visiting my stepdad (who is down 15 lbs already.) I have RAGING sciatica (excruciating!) and can barely get around myself. it's incredibly frustrating because there is so much I can be doing and I feel completely useless and helpless.

I am not ready to go down this road... again! please tell me. educate me. how does one cope with watching a life slip away while trying grow and prepare for a new life? I'm sick over this.

happiness to helplessness and sadness in a few short days. godammit!