it's awfully quiet around here these days.
I have a call into a professional speech therapist for ginny. at 16 months she is only "saying" (I use this word loosely) 1 word -- dog. or is it dug. when b comes home from hospital ginny gives him a giant smile and she points enthusiastically.
"dug!"
I hand her a hummus and whole wheat sandwich.
"dug."
I get her tub ready.
"dug."
it's getting to be a bit unsettling. I have a bunch of friends with children her age and they all have a growing collection of words. one little girl actually says "thank you." I'm not pushing for sentences here I'm simply looking for mama or apple or hi or even a proper dog. I should add that we do get the occasional "uh, oh."
I think her hearing is fine. she signs for milk (the cutest thing EVER!) and signals to brush her teeth. we go through hours of flashcards each day. appppple. cowwwww. flowwwwer. over and over again. nothing.
just "dug."
hopefully after the holiday season someone will call me back and we'll get ginny in to see the specialist. oh man. it's truly always something.
29 December 2009
24 December 2009
happy happy!
wishing everyone a joyous new year!I'm hoping things will settle down in early 2010 so I can find time to post. it's been NUTS! crazy NUTS!
08 November 2009
back from hiatus
WORK! and lots of it. like I was telling a friend - 2 days is the new 2 weeks. clients are now expecting these ridiculous creative turnarounds. it wasn't THAT long ago when I had time to think about a design project then sketch then execute. these days I barely have a (recycled) concept on my screen and the clients start ringing me up. "when can I see something?" bastards.
I was thinking the other night (major insomnia) about how super lucky b and I are with ginny in our life. first of all, how is it possible to have insomnia when you are dead tired? seriously? this little girl brings us such profound joy. just this morning I woke up in a crap and sour mood. sunday is, in theory, my morning to sleep in. but there was NO sleepin' in today or next sunday or the sunday after that because we have such a sucky mattress. your back can't tolerate anything past 8 am. how cruel! in my achy, grumpy state I was welcomed into the living room with a giant, sloppy, snotty nosed, open mouthed kiss for mumma. ahhhhh. the day is good!
even with such a beautiful miracle in our life this blog will continue to be an Infertility Blog. I dreamt on thursday night we were going to use DEs. in real life I'm not ruling that out. I'm also thinking a lot about adoption. once b finishes his training I hope to scream "piss of IF!" and continue on a different path to build our family. to be continued...
I was thinking the other night (major insomnia) about how super lucky b and I are with ginny in our life. first of all, how is it possible to have insomnia when you are dead tired? seriously? this little girl brings us such profound joy. just this morning I woke up in a crap and sour mood. sunday is, in theory, my morning to sleep in. but there was NO sleepin' in today or next sunday or the sunday after that because we have such a sucky mattress. your back can't tolerate anything past 8 am. how cruel! in my achy, grumpy state I was welcomed into the living room with a giant, sloppy, snotty nosed, open mouthed kiss for mumma. ahhhhh. the day is good!
even with such a beautiful miracle in our life this blog will continue to be an Infertility Blog. I dreamt on thursday night we were going to use DEs. in real life I'm not ruling that out. I'm also thinking a lot about adoption. once b finishes his training I hope to scream "piss of IF!" and continue on a different path to build our family. to be continued...
12 October 2009
09 October 2009
*sigh*
those shoes.
right now I'm freaking out for 3 very lovely ladies - 2 at cornell and one at ccrm. each is at a different stage of waiting and hoping in this IF bullshit. all of them have gone through multiple IVFs - a combined total close to 14. fuck! one has her DE beta on tuesday. one has her fresh cycle transfer on saturday. one is planning her uterine biopsies for her upcoming FET. each one has already been through so much. way TOO much for anyone. all 3 are living in limbo and that is a terrible way to exist. it's like you go through the motions of everyday life while holding your breath. you anticipate that moment. will it be incredibly joyful or another heartwrenching disappointment? it's full-on torture if you ask me. screw waterboarding (whatever that is.) IVF is a more effective method to induce pain and suffering.
please, please, PLEASE send extra special positive (specifically BFP) vibes and thoughts to CR, EB and AD. these strong ladies need all the support they can get. I have been in their shoes and it SUCKS horribly. not a day goes by that I forget "where I came from." if I'm not physically experiencing the shots and u/s and b/w etc., I'm living it again through so many (too many) wonderful and deserving women. I'm sad yet I'm full of hope. I want to cry tears of happiness for a change.
I'll say it agin. fuck you IF.
right now I'm freaking out for 3 very lovely ladies - 2 at cornell and one at ccrm. each is at a different stage of waiting and hoping in this IF bullshit. all of them have gone through multiple IVFs - a combined total close to 14. fuck! one has her DE beta on tuesday. one has her fresh cycle transfer on saturday. one is planning her uterine biopsies for her upcoming FET. each one has already been through so much. way TOO much for anyone. all 3 are living in limbo and that is a terrible way to exist. it's like you go through the motions of everyday life while holding your breath. you anticipate that moment. will it be incredibly joyful or another heartwrenching disappointment? it's full-on torture if you ask me. screw waterboarding (whatever that is.) IVF is a more effective method to induce pain and suffering.
please, please, PLEASE send extra special positive (specifically BFP) vibes and thoughts to CR, EB and AD. these strong ladies need all the support they can get. I have been in their shoes and it SUCKS horribly. not a day goes by that I forget "where I came from." if I'm not physically experiencing the shots and u/s and b/w etc., I'm living it again through so many (too many) wonderful and deserving women. I'm sad yet I'm full of hope. I want to cry tears of happiness for a change.
I'll say it agin. fuck you IF.
07 October 2009
2 turntables and a microphone
b has been working the dreaded nightshift again. when we don't see dada for a week this mama has no time to post. I'm still slowly nibbling away at my thank you notes list from ginny's birthday. "down time" is a luxury these days.
so I finally enrolled ginny in the much anticipated music class. after a lot of research I found an affordable option. dude, it's crazy to think that $245 is "affordable!" yes, it's a hike to get there. yes, it's more than PACKED. yes, it's filled with disinterested nannies and pushy moms. and yes, all the instruments are tired and/or broken. but $245 -- score!
ginny LOVED her trial class at the other place so I was very excited to find this deal. but guess what? she HATES it! today was class number 3 and she cried (full-on tears and major frown face) most of the time. a little boy pummeled her to the ground during a cure tune. seriously, who plays just like heaven in a class for toddlers? did I date this guy in college?
so after 45 minutes I packed up my very unhappy child and got the hell outta there. the little girl in polka dot tights, ruffled denim skirt and red puffy eyes. will we go back and try it again? I'm not so sure. like they say "3 strikes you're out!" all of a sudden $245 for 3 very disappointing classes doesn't seem like such a bargain.
sucky.
so I finally enrolled ginny in the much anticipated music class. after a lot of research I found an affordable option. dude, it's crazy to think that $245 is "affordable!" yes, it's a hike to get there. yes, it's more than PACKED. yes, it's filled with disinterested nannies and pushy moms. and yes, all the instruments are tired and/or broken. but $245 -- score!
ginny LOVED her trial class at the other place so I was very excited to find this deal. but guess what? she HATES it! today was class number 3 and she cried (full-on tears and major frown face) most of the time. a little boy pummeled her to the ground during a cure tune. seriously, who plays just like heaven in a class for toddlers? did I date this guy in college?
so after 45 minutes I packed up my very unhappy child and got the hell outta there. the little girl in polka dot tights, ruffled denim skirt and red puffy eyes. will we go back and try it again? I'm not so sure. like they say "3 strikes you're out!" all of a sudden $245 for 3 very disappointing classes doesn't seem like such a bargain.
sucky.
30 September 2009
a "borrowed" post
we went to a fab birthday party (fellow cornell IVFer) last saturday and the very talented A took some really great shots. this post is stolen from becoming mom. cool!
21 September 2009
it pays to be social
and you pay BIG Time!
ginny and I went to our first official music class last week. it was a free trial and we (I) was curious to see what the hoopla was all about. first of all, it was a no nap day, we had some teething action going on (specifically molars,) and we were both a little "on the cranky side." the class was a few blocks away so what the hell. "let's give it a go!" if ginny had a complete meltdown we could easily be back in the apartment in the matter of minutes.
much to my surprise, my child could not have been happier. she squealed with delight playing all the instruments. she clapped and danced to all the singing (even her mother's.) ginny was the center of attention! she was the music together it girl!
I was sold. I had to sign up for classes asap. the weather is getting cooler and soon the park will be closed for the winter months. we have a little social butterfly on our hands so we must keep her active and entertained with kids her own age. and music is good!
good until you see the price -- $490! and that's CHEAP! cheap for the UES. the same exact class is offered in brooklyn for $185. just because we live in the most expensive neighborhood in the US (maybe the world) doesn't mean we have lots of money. on the contrary actually.
so my mission began. must. find. music class. for ginny.
oh, I found one. lots of them.
hands on... (all miniature instruments) - $560 + $35 yearly fee
... little birds (teaches elementary music theory) - $600 + $35 yearly fee
... maestros (complete with full live band) - $695!
are you friggin' kidding me?! all ginny really needs is a few friends, maybe a harmonica, a tambourine and a couple of drums. elementary music theory, my ass.
geez.
ginny and I went to our first official music class last week. it was a free trial and we (I) was curious to see what the hoopla was all about. first of all, it was a no nap day, we had some teething action going on (specifically molars,) and we were both a little "on the cranky side." the class was a few blocks away so what the hell. "let's give it a go!" if ginny had a complete meltdown we could easily be back in the apartment in the matter of minutes.
much to my surprise, my child could not have been happier. she squealed with delight playing all the instruments. she clapped and danced to all the singing (even her mother's.) ginny was the center of attention! she was the music together it girl!
I was sold. I had to sign up for classes asap. the weather is getting cooler and soon the park will be closed for the winter months. we have a little social butterfly on our hands so we must keep her active and entertained with kids her own age. and music is good!
good until you see the price -- $490! and that's CHEAP! cheap for the UES. the same exact class is offered in brooklyn for $185. just because we live in the most expensive neighborhood in the US (maybe the world) doesn't mean we have lots of money. on the contrary actually.
so my mission began. must. find. music class. for ginny.
oh, I found one. lots of them.
hands on... (all miniature instruments) - $560 + $35 yearly fee
... little birds (teaches elementary music theory) - $600 + $35 yearly fee
... maestros (complete with full live band) - $695!
are you friggin' kidding me?! all ginny really needs is a few friends, maybe a harmonica, a tambourine and a couple of drums. elementary music theory, my ass.
geez.
17 September 2009
holdin' down the fort
all by my lonesome. b had been away for almost 2 weeks. 1 week working the shitty night shift and the next he was in utah. man, I was so hoping he'd bring me home a wife! polygamy sounds pretty damn appealing these days. between nanny shopping and work there's been no time for posting. or knitting. or reading. or writing thank you notes (they're late!) or much of anything. but I do have a couple recent pics to share -
our sweet little miracle. the love and light of my life. I'm so flippin' lucky!
our sweet little miracle. the love and light of my life. I'm so flippin' lucky!
05 September 2009
we look the same
I guarantee one of your neighbors is infertile.
there we were. ginny's favorite swings at celebrity park. she literally squeals with delight and claps wildly when we enter the gate. I usually chat with the nannies, or this dude, but weekends are different. I actually get to meet the parents (a totally bizarre concept on the UES.)
angelina was to ginny's left and emma was to her right. 3 little girls (13, 12 and 15 months) all lined up and swinging in unison. very cute. we talked about first teeth, the transition to sippy cups, naps, pedipeds and alternative vaccine schedules. and of course, my crap eggs. as you know, it's my mission these days -- educate the people! infertility awareness! rock on! I guarantee you know someone.
13 month old angelina - IUI baby
15 month old emma - cornell IVF baby
we were surrounded by "my kind." we. are. everywhere.
there we were. ginny's favorite swings at celebrity park. she literally squeals with delight and claps wildly when we enter the gate. I usually chat with the nannies, or this dude, but weekends are different. I actually get to meet the parents (a totally bizarre concept on the UES.)
angelina was to ginny's left and emma was to her right. 3 little girls (13, 12 and 15 months) all lined up and swinging in unison. very cute. we talked about first teeth, the transition to sippy cups, naps, pedipeds and alternative vaccine schedules. and of course, my crap eggs. as you know, it's my mission these days -- educate the people! infertility awareness! rock on! I guarantee you know someone.
13 month old angelina - IUI baby
15 month old emma - cornell IVF baby
we were surrounded by "my kind." we. are. everywhere.
04 September 2009
a picture's worth...
look at all these beautiful cornell babies! (and 3 others couldn't make it.) the little boy is actually an NYU IVF baby but his mom is a new patient of dr d. one of the dads nailed it -- "these are the most expensive babies in nyc!" yep. 7 babies. we could easily be talking well over $100,000.this amazing photo was taken at ginny's party. I hid the identity just in case one of my buddies is not comfortable being outed as one of those infertiles. guess who is the exhausted, frazzled and ugly mom on the right? man! she needs a serious haircut! sigh.
27 August 2009
24 August 2009
meltdown and/or breakdown
if you could see me now. I'm the picture of complete exhaustion. ginny's first birthday party may be canceled.
I have been working my ass OFF (literally non-stop) for weeks and weeks now. I am up every single morning around 6 - 6:30 and this is after working the "night shift" and weekends. I can't even tell you the last time I slept past 7 am. I think it was when ginny gave me that horrific vomiting and diarrhea virus last winter. b "let" me sleep in one morning. thanks b.
he is so on the shit list these days. I am actually working MORE than him and taking care of ginny and all that is house related. this turkey comes home after rounds sunday morning and then NAPS! I was up even before him and this mama doesn't get to indulge in the luxury of a nap. no way man! the 3 hours a day that I consider "my" time have been dedicated to finding a new sitter/nanny. my salary is far from supplemental -- it's keeping this house afloat! BUT because b works at big fancy hospital my work is "second class." and he hates his new job. his constant moping and depression is sucking the life out of me.
I'm not eating. stress takes away my appetite and quite frankly, I don't even have the energy to eat. I'm at the mercy of demanding clients that want to see work immediately. 2 week deadlines are a fond and distant memory. now I'm banging out complete projects in a couple of days. and it shows. my hair is everywhere and my skin is a hideous shade of gray. I mumble.
it's 9:10 pm. I will save my last sad design, quit adobe illustrator and call it a night. maybe I'll even shower for the first time today. now the fun begins! I'll start searching for a new nanny for ginny. I have no tolerance for (current) sitter that simply sits next to her and sends text messages all day - at $14 an hour - after showing up late. why does she think this is acceptable? she is so fucking fired. b is fired too! his idea of fine parenting is placing ginny in her pnp while he reads his email and buys music online.
I seriously can't do this all alone!
my MIL arrives in 3 days.
oh joy.
I have been working my ass OFF (literally non-stop) for weeks and weeks now. I am up every single morning around 6 - 6:30 and this is after working the "night shift" and weekends. I can't even tell you the last time I slept past 7 am. I think it was when ginny gave me that horrific vomiting and diarrhea virus last winter. b "let" me sleep in one morning. thanks b.
he is so on the shit list these days. I am actually working MORE than him and taking care of ginny and all that is house related. this turkey comes home after rounds sunday morning and then NAPS! I was up even before him and this mama doesn't get to indulge in the luxury of a nap. no way man! the 3 hours a day that I consider "my" time have been dedicated to finding a new sitter/nanny. my salary is far from supplemental -- it's keeping this house afloat! BUT because b works at big fancy hospital my work is "second class." and he hates his new job. his constant moping and depression is sucking the life out of me.
I'm not eating. stress takes away my appetite and quite frankly, I don't even have the energy to eat. I'm at the mercy of demanding clients that want to see work immediately. 2 week deadlines are a fond and distant memory. now I'm banging out complete projects in a couple of days. and it shows. my hair is everywhere and my skin is a hideous shade of gray. I mumble.
it's 9:10 pm. I will save my last sad design, quit adobe illustrator and call it a night. maybe I'll even shower for the first time today. now the fun begins! I'll start searching for a new nanny for ginny. I have no tolerance for (current) sitter that simply sits next to her and sends text messages all day - at $14 an hour - after showing up late. why does she think this is acceptable? she is so fucking fired. b is fired too! his idea of fine parenting is placing ginny in her pnp while he reads his email and buys music online.
I seriously can't do this all alone!
my MIL arrives in 3 days.
oh joy.
22 August 2009
incredibly sad and tragic
a terrible day for a fellow saIFer (success after infertility.)
my heart is heavy.
three cheers for babies
my heart is heavy.
three cheers for babies
16 August 2009
she's at it again
my MIL. it's all too familiar. it's p&b's 2006 wedding all over again however this time it's slightly different -- it's ginny's birthday party. her mission? ask every asian in the tri-state area to come to my tiny home and expect to be catered to with full-blown festivities and a giant meal.
it' 10:15 pm friday. b's phone rings. eeeek! it must be hospital.
"yes, this is b."
blah blah blah blah BLAH.
"oh... hi... I just recently moved back to nyc. yes, I'm married. my wife's name is p and we have a daughter virginia."
blah blah blah blah BLAH.
"I see. so we're cousins?"
blah blah blah blah FRIGGIN' BLAH!
"so there will be 5 - 7 of you coming to the party?"
b never even knew this cousin existed! his mother invited him (and god knows who else) to come to our little gathering of friends to celebrate our miracle baby's very first birthday. everyone coming knows how hard we struggled for ginny. everyone coming was so supportive during the trials of my pregnancy. everyone coming has special meaning to me, to ginny, to us. everyone...
until now.
the circus officially begins. this shit sends me into crazy person mode. can you hear me screaming my head off?!
it' 10:15 pm friday. b's phone rings. eeeek! it must be hospital.
"yes, this is b."
blah blah blah blah BLAH.
"oh... hi... I just recently moved back to nyc. yes, I'm married. my wife's name is p and we have a daughter virginia."
blah blah blah blah BLAH.
"I see. so we're cousins?"
blah blah blah blah FRIGGIN' BLAH!
"so there will be 5 - 7 of you coming to the party?"
b never even knew this cousin existed! his mother invited him (and god knows who else) to come to our little gathering of friends to celebrate our miracle baby's very first birthday. everyone coming knows how hard we struggled for ginny. everyone coming was so supportive during the trials of my pregnancy. everyone coming has special meaning to me, to ginny, to us. everyone...
until now.
the circus officially begins. this shit sends me into crazy person mode. can you hear me screaming my head off?!
13 August 2009
birthday time! (plus bonus rant.)
ok. so what is the deal with RSVPs? don't people do this anymore? come on! we sent out save the date emails followed by the invitation. granted we never got around to printing the invites (ran out of time) but so many people have neglected to respond yes or no. I find this rather inconsiderate -- I guess I'm old school. clearly none of our invitees read this blog so I can bitch and moan for a minute. so how many cupcakes will we order for the party? how much eggplant parm do we need? how many bottles of wine should I buy? who the hell knows! grrrrrrr.
rant over.
so here is the final invitation. I went through numerous rounds using various photos. I just couldn't commit to one picture -- until the cloth diaper tutu butt. designers always struggle designing for themselves.
the party will be sweet and simple. no silly themes. no tiny horses. no frightening mimes. just good friends (including many IVF babies) with yummy food, lots o' drink, a couple balloons and a little girl that turns one. what an amazing year to celebrate!
06 August 2009
our trip back home to maine
same beach.
3 generations (look! I'm still blonde! -- thanks to william)
2 ginnys.
pretty darn special.
3 generations (look! I'm still blonde! -- thanks to william)
2 ginnys.
pretty darn special.
02 August 2009
19 July 2009
"is this your baby?"
we are very fortunate to live a few blocks away from a fantastic park. it's located right smack dab on the east river with lots of grass, shady trees and a small dog dog run -- perfect for our surly frenchie. it also has a great playground that I like to call "celebrity park." supposedly all the famous folk's kids go there (with their nannies in tow.) a suri cruise sighting is inevitable.
if we should venture to our urban oasis during the week I am usually the only mother there. it's only natural to assume that I am hired help for ginny. tall blonde lady with asian baby = imported swedish caregiver. oh well, what are you going to do. I'm already in the minority because we don't sport the UES (upper east side) required black bugaboo stroller. our stroller does the exact same thing as a bugaboo but at a fraction of the price (ha!) plus I can always spot ginny's ride in a sea of parked bugaboos by the infant swings. note to self: must teach ginny while she is young - it's good to be different. the bizarre thing is, all the nannies I have met at celebrity park take care of the children of non-working mothers. how friggin' indulgent! only in nyc would you find people to pay someone a $$$ weekly salary to raise their kids while they shop, lunch, get spa treatments, shop more...
"how old is she?" asks the old spanish woman.
10 1/2 months.
"is she walking yet?"
almost.
"look at those teeth!"
yes! she has 4 now.
"is this your baby?"
like I said, it's good to be different.
if we should venture to our urban oasis during the week I am usually the only mother there. it's only natural to assume that I am hired help for ginny. tall blonde lady with asian baby = imported swedish caregiver. oh well, what are you going to do. I'm already in the minority because we don't sport the UES (upper east side) required black bugaboo stroller. our stroller does the exact same thing as a bugaboo but at a fraction of the price (ha!) plus I can always spot ginny's ride in a sea of parked bugaboos by the infant swings. note to self: must teach ginny while she is young - it's good to be different. the bizarre thing is, all the nannies I have met at celebrity park take care of the children of non-working mothers. how friggin' indulgent! only in nyc would you find people to pay someone a $$$ weekly salary to raise their kids while they shop, lunch, get spa treatments, shop more...
"how old is she?" asks the old spanish woman.
10 1/2 months.
"is she walking yet?"
almost.
"look at those teeth!"
yes! she has 4 now.
"is this your baby?"
like I said, it's good to be different.
17 July 2009
PRIVATE
what's the deal with a lot of my favorite bloggers going private? did I miss something? I spend more time now "logging in" than reading and responding to posts. I can't keep everyone and every password straight anymore. I know I haven't been around much lately but why the trend?
I'm currently recovering from being slammed with 3 back to back RUSH projects. the apartment continues to be total chaos and I'm still sporting the same shorts that I moved in (washed of course.) I'm planning ginny's first birthday (can you believe it?!) when I find I have a little "down time." so far all I have done is picked out about 12 adorable party dress options (LOVE having a girl!) considered the menu and started designing the invitation. we are keeping the event simple and small (contrary to b's mother's wishes -- shit! she's my daughter! back off!) in the end we expect around 25 people. lots of fantastic cupcakes and little cornell babies! I can't wait!!!
I'm currently recovering from being slammed with 3 back to back RUSH projects. the apartment continues to be total chaos and I'm still sporting the same shorts that I moved in (washed of course.) I'm planning ginny's first birthday (can you believe it?!) when I find I have a little "down time." so far all I have done is picked out about 12 adorable party dress options (LOVE having a girl!) considered the menu and started designing the invitation. we are keeping the event simple and small (contrary to b's mother's wishes -- shit! she's my daughter! back off!) in the end we expect around 25 people. lots of fantastic cupcakes and little cornell babies! I can't wait!!!
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